Monday, January 27, 2003 Edition: #2463
Do Yourself a Favor – Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!
BS TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• Here are this week’s ‘breaking news stories’, according to “Weekly World News” – “3,000-Year-Old Mummy Has Baby Boy!”, “Researchers Say Super Beer Cures Cancer!”, “New Weapon in War on Terror – Killer Bees!”, and – why didn’t someone think of this before? – “Alien Poop Could End World Hunger!”.
• “Us Weekly” reports 65-year-old Jack Nicholson’s on & off romance with 32-year-old “The Practice” star Lara Flynn Boyle is apparently off once again. Although Nicholson rang in the New Year with her in Aspen and took her to the LA premiere of “About Schmidt”, they’ve split for unspecified reasons. Maybe because he mocked her-much-laughed-at ballerina outfit at the Golden Globes by calling it ‘startling’? (Guys have been dumped for less!)
• A new report claims Halle Berry attempted suicide during the filming of “Die Another Day”. “Express” says she supposedly took an overdose after finding out her husband Eric Benet had cheated on her again. If true, she’s one tough lady – she didn’t go to hospital and turned up to work the very next day. Meantime, “Star” magazine says there have been serious talks about spinoff movies for Halle’s “Die Another Day” character ‘Jinx’, but things are stalled over her outrageous salary demands – $25 million for the first movie and more for sequels. Even ‘Bond’ star Pierce Brosnan doesn’t take home that kind of money!
• “Buzz” tells us that “Joe Millionaire” Evan Marriott attended a professional wrestling school in Southern California a couple of years ago. He’s even listed on the ‘inactive’ roster of the regional wrestling circuit Ultimate Pro Wrestling. (The only grappling he’s doing these days involves hot looking gold diggers.)
• “E! Online” reports that Billy Joel is in stable condition after losing control of his Mercedes SATURDAY night and driving into a tree in Sag Harbour, Long Island. There were reportedly no passengers in the vehicle and, so far, no indication if alcohol was involved.
• According to “NY Post”, Winona ‘Scissorhands’ Ryder wants to keep the stuff she stole from Saks Fifth Avenue. Word is she plans to auction the clothes off for charity and polish her image in the process. Winnie is said to feel that, since she has to pay Saks restitution, the duds are rightfully hers. (An odd way to buy wholesale.)
• Solidly single Brit actor Hugh Grant tells “Entertainment” magazine, “I’ve never done a film where I haven’t been accused of sleeping with my co-star, except, thankfully, ‘About A Boy’.” (Whew! In related news, Pete Townshend has received a last-minute Grammy Award nomination for ‘Best Underage Score on a Computer’.)
WOMEN ON THE PROWL:
No wonder Italian men have a reputation for hitting on female tourists. A new travel poll finds the #1 reason women tour Italy – is lust. Yup, 36% of female tourists say it was the hope of finding passion that brought them to Italy, while 29% say the big draw is food. (After men ignored them.)
ANIMAL GAMES:
LAST WEEK FOX-TV aired the special “Man vs Beast”, which may become a regular series, where humans take on other members of the animal kingdom in various competitions. The first show featured a bear vs a ‘professional competitive eater’ to see who could consume the most wieners (bear won easily), a Sumo wrestler vs an orangutan in a tug-of-war (orang won), a100-meter sprinter vs a zebra (zebra won twice), Navy SEAL vs chimp on an obstacle course (military man came out quicker), and the grand finale – we kid you not – an Asian elephant trying to pull an airliner quicker than 44 dwarves (the cute little people lost).
BS SUGGESTED FUTURE CONTESTS:
• Weightlifting vs ants.
• Man vs racehorse in pissing contest.
• Human vs Labrador retriever in speedskating.
• Man vs woman at dishwashing.
• Silence contest: man vs mouse.
PAIN IN THE BUTT:
A Birmingham UK radio station has been fined £15,000 ($25,000) and forced to offer an apology to contestants in its “Coolest Seats In Town” contest held in August, 2001. Four listeners suffered severe frostbite and had to be hospitalized after sitting on dry ice in an attempt to win concert tickets. The temperature of the frozen carbon dioxide was estimated at -108 F and the contestants are said to have suffered ‘permanent scarring’.
MORNING AFTER CURES:
According to the makers of Alka-Seltzer, the average football fan buys 2.2 gallons of beer on Super Bowl Sunday. If true, that means there’s a lot of achy breaky heads out there this morning. So we offer the following BS summary of hangover cures collected from a variety of sources (and with absolutely no guarantees!) –
• Water – Experts say the key to recovery is rehydration, so chug-a-lug lots of water no matter what form it’s in. (Fill sink with ice – insert head.)
• Selenium – An antioxidant mineral available at health food stores. (By what are the odds of finding some of this stuff around your house?)
• Vitamin B Complex – Apparently your body loses whopping amounts of vitamin B when your veins start pumping booze rather than blood, so a giant supplement may help.
• Burnt Toast – They say it’s great for settling a queasy stomach. (Finally something you can cook correctly!)
• Coca-Cola – Said to replace lost sugar and energy, and settle the stomach.
• Applesauce – Also helps to calm the stomach, hangover aficionados say. (Try mixing it with the Coke!)
• Black or Green Tea – Soothing, calming, nourishing. It’s what mom would tell you to take. (If she hadn’t disowned you due to your drinking problem.)
• V8 Juice – Add lemon juice and cayenne pepper, serve on ice. (Your tongue will be on fire, causing you to forget the hangover.)
• Grapefruit Juice – Supposed to be some sort of ‘detoxifier’. (Also helps you whistle.)
• Sauerkraut Juice – Apparently neutralizes unwanted ‘congeners’ in the stomach, the toxic substances created during the alcohol fermentation process. (Also helps if you’re trying to vomit quickly.)
• Gatorade – Contains all the vitamins and nutrients you’ve pissed away. (Pour a bucket over your head and pretend you’re the winning coach from last night’s game!)
• Unique hangover cures from elsewhere – in Germany some folks eat marinated fish, in the Netherlands many eat raw baby herring covered in onions, and in Puerto Rico some people rub lemons or limes under their arms (doesn’t make you feel any better but kills your gawd-awful smell!).
WHY WOMEN CHEAT:
• You stopped giving her attention.
• Lack of intimacy.
• You changed drastically in the relationship.
• Someone’s giving her more attention.
• She’s just a rotten person.
• You started it – you cheated on her!
Source: “AskMen”
BS AMAZING FACT:
In a new online poll, just 14% say the actual Super Bowl game is ‘the most important part’ of Super Bowl Sunday.
THE BULL SHEET 01.27.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1959 [44] Cris Collinsworth, Dayton OH, NFL analyst (FOX-TV)/ex-NFL WR (Bengals)
1961 [42] Margo Timmins, Toronto ON, pop singer (Cowboy Junkies-“The Radio One Sessions”, “Misguided Angel”)
1964 [39] Bridget Fonda, LA CA, movie actress (“It Could Happen to You“, “Single White Female”)/daughter of Peter Fonda and niece of Jane Fonda
1968 [35] Tracy Lawrence, Atlanta TX, country singer (“What a Memory”, “Alibis”, “If You Loved Me”)
1971 [32] Patrice Brisebois, Montréal QC, NHL defenceman (Montréal Canadiens)
1976 [27] Rhett Warrener, Shaunavon SK, NHL defenceman (Buffalo Sabres)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
According to the ‘International Thomas Crapper Society’, TODAY is “Thomas Crapper Day”, in honor of the man who invented the toilet flush mechanism, on the anniversary of his death in 1910. Thomas Crapper & Co became engineers by appointment to the ‘throne’ of England.
TODAY is the “Australia Day” national holiday Down Under, celebrating the anniversary of Captain Arthur Phillip unfurling the British flag at Sydney Cove and proclaiming British sovereignty over the eastern seaboard of Australia on January 26, 1788. The public holiday is held annually on the closest Monday. So to our BS affiliates in OZ – knock back a coldie or two but careful not to nudge the turps!
TODAY is “Punch the Clock Day”, a day to calmly do your job stress-free, then go home and enjoy your real life. (A warm-up for tomorrow’s ‘Punch the Boss Day’.)
30 YEARS AGO . . .
1973 Signing of the Vietnam cease-fire agreement ends the longest war in American history
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1998 [05] Shania Twain releases mega-hit “You’re Still The One”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1785 [218] 1st ‘state university’ in America founded (Georgia)
1888 [115] ‘National Geographic Society’ founded in Washington DC
1858 [145] Ottawa 1st selected capital of Canada
1993 [10] 6-foot-9, 510-lb Hawaiian Chad Rowan (aka ‘Akebono’) becomes the 1st foreign yokozuna, the top rank in Japanese sumo wrestling (only 64 have achieved that level in 2,000 years)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1998 [05] Identical twins Muriel & Murray Legate of Ft Saskatchewan AB turn 100 years of age against 50 million-to-1 odds
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] State of the Union Address (USA)
[Tues] National Kazoo Day
[Tues] Clash Day
[Tues] Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
[Wed] Corn Chip Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Catholic Schools Week
Junior Achievement Week
Celebrity Read A Book Week
International Clergy Appreciation Week
International Green Week
Mozart Week
Cross Country Skiing Week
National Glaucoma Week
National Meat Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – Good news: an old friend will call this week whom you haven’t talked to in years. Bad news: she’ll remind you that you owe her money.
• Taurus – Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind this week. Try screaming and pounding your head on a wall.
• Gemini – You will finally begin your novel! This is really great because if you’d decided to write a screenplay, you’d have to move to California and wait on tables.
• Cancer – Sometimes you need to take 1 step back to make 2 steps forward. In your case, you’ll need to go considerably further back.
• Leo – Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative profession of ‘despot’?
• Virgo – You will hear a strange flapping sound. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Best to stay indoors today.
• Libra – This week you will find out that there’s more than just good manners to the etiquette rule: ‘never yodel with your mouth full’.
• Scorpio – You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately you’ll remember your self-defense lessons and successfully repel him with a stalk of celery.
• Sagittarius – You will discover that your boss was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’ve been wondering about.
• Capricorn – You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. You’ll realize this when iron filings begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
• Aquarius – If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie! That, of course, is just a metaphor for what will really happen.
• Pisces – This week you’ll realize how truly bad your sex life has become when you give a friend money to watch him clip his toenails.
BS BLATANT JOKE:
This is shocking! The average person sees more than 20,000 TV ads in a year. More on this story right after this …
BS SIGNS IT’S TOO DAMN COLD:
• It’s actually nice when a guy rubs up against you on the subway.
• Hookers are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.
• Street vendors are selling hot dogs to put in your pants.
• This morning, CAA had to jumpstart [co-host].
• Instead of ‘the finger’, irate drivers are giving each other ‘the mitten’.
• Christina Aguilera actually performed a concert fully clothed.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 65% of women thought that their husbands were ‘sexy’ when they found this out about them.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They had a Teddy Bear.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
BS welcomes samplers this week that include Wayne Sharp @ CHOICE FM London UK, Adam White @ WQCB Brewer ME, Brett Mason @ WDJR Dothan AL, Dinna Adriani @ KISS FM Jakarta, Indonesia, Brian Pierce @ WNNS Springfield IL, and Suzanna Vega @ WTBQ Florida NY.
