Thursday, January 23, 2003 Edition: #2461
Another Sheetload of Stuff!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY U2 guitarist The Edge is becoming a glamour-puss for a day, agreeing to strut the catwalk wearing designer duds for a charity fashion show in Dublin . . . The Playboy Channel is searching for kinky couples willing to explore their sex lives through hypnosis in a new series based on the British show “Hypnosex”, then have their inner fantasies reenacted on the show (by a better-looking couple) . . . Joan Rivers says she’s more than happy that Russell Crowe avoids chatting to her when she’s interviewing stars on the red carpet at awards shows – because he stinks, literally (as opposed to her, figuratively) . . . FOX-TV has yet another new reality show coming in MARCH called “Married by America” in which single people will have their marriage mates chosen by friends & family but don’t find out who their partner-to-be is until after the engagement is set (arranged marriage – in India it’s life, here it’s a game show) . . . Jennifer Aniston has admitted to having an eating disorder, telling a magazine interview, “You get in that Zone diet thing and you kind of get addicted to that”, but now, she says, “I eat food.” (good move, girl – now about that new hairdo …).
MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
John Travolta is in talks to star opposite Joaquin Phoenix in the upcoming Disney film “Ladder 49″ (can you picture big John as a firefighter?) . . . Renée Zellweger says she will reprise her role of ‘Bridget Jones’ in the sequel “The Edge of Reason”, perhaps because the script involves ‘Bridget’ doing time in a Thai jail for drug-smuggling, meaning she actually has to lose weight instead of gain it (she had to pork on 20 lbs for the original) . . . Former Spice Girl, Geri Halliwell, may have landed a minor role in the Heidi Fleiss biofilm starring Nicole Kidman, playing a Hollywood hooker (warning – she may even have to do a nude scene!) . . . The upcoming dysfunctional family comedy “Eulogy” will feature the unlikely pairing of Ray Romano & Winona Ryder (word is Winona will steal the show!).
STAR SIGN:
Using the birth dates of some 1,800 pop stars, the new “Guinness Rockopedia” guide to rock and pop finds that the limelight most often shines on those born under the signs Taurus, Aries, Cancer and Gemini. Aquarians, Scorpians and Sagittarians fare the worst. “Rockopedia’s”
editor David Roberts says the evidence is quite clear – if you’re Taurus, Aries or Cancer, we’re more likely to see you on the music charts. (Unless you run into Simon Cowell.)
SUPER-SIZED FIGURES:
No annual sporting event generates the staggering numbers the Super Bowl does. A few highlights of this year’s bash –
• ABC-TV is close to selling out SUNDAY’S game, a total of 61 thirty-second spots at $2.2 million apiece, up about 15% from last year.
• The Super Bowl is broadcast in 182 countries, in 24 languages, reaching approximately 800 million people worldwide.
• Some 10 million people watch the Super Bowl on TV in groups of 10 or more.
• 9 of the 10 most-watched TV programs of all time are Super Bowls. The lowest rated game was Super Bowl III, the one that Joe Namath correctly ‘guaranteed’ his NY Jets would win.
• More than 3,000 members of the media generate 10 million words of copy during Super Bowl week.
• There will be more than 60 satellite television trucks outside the stadium Super Bowl Sunday.
• More than 50 million women watched last year, making it the most-watched sporting event among women.
• Super Bowl weekend is the slowest weekend of the year for weddings.
• For last year’s Super Bowl, FOX-TV used 27 cameras during the game (the replays from underground were particularly impressive, didn’t you think?).
SUPER ACTIVITIES:
Other things men say they’ll be doing while watching this year’s Super Bowl game –
• Eating/snacking (82%)
• Watching the ads (60%)
• Yelling at the TV screen (52%)
• Hanging out with the guys (46%)
• Drinking beer (44%)
• Swearing or cursing (39%)
• Betting on the game (26%)
KITTY CLONE . . . ISN’T:
The first household pet ever cloned, ‘cc’ (for ‘carbon copy’) the cat, is now just over a year old and is exhibiting several differences in personality and appearance from the original cat. The Texas A&M University researchers who created her say this proves that a clone copy will not necessarily act or even look like the original. Cc’s creation was funded by Genetic Savings & Clone, the company that hopes to make money from people wanting to duplicate their beloved pets. (There are gazillions of cats in shelters being fried every day and we’re looking for ways to make more?)
BIG ZAPPER:
BBC News reports the US Air Force is developing a man-made bolt of lightning powerful enough to fry sophisticated computer and electronic components in weapons. The short, intense burst of energy of the so-called ‘High-Powered Microwave’ (‘HPM’) beam would be lethal to electronics but have no effect on people. An experimental version of the weapon could be carried on a cruise missile or unmanned aircraft in the upcoming war against Iraq (scheduled for March 2 in Dubya’s ‘Day-at-a-Glance’ desk calendar). But we wouldn’t know about it – the secrecy surrounding the weapon means it would be some time before details are released to the public.
ODDS ARE YOU WON’T DIE ON ‘DEMON DROP’:
THIS WEEK the two most comprehensive, scientific studies to date on roller coasters, G-forces, brain injury risk, and overall theme park safety were released. Both say that theme park rides are based on biomedical and ‘biomechanical’ science, that they are extraordinarily safe, and that they present no health risk to the public. (The reports made no recommendation however on how to remove stains caused by the medical condition ‘rider barf’.)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Chilean porn star Reichel is running for the country’s national parliament with an unusual platform – she promises she’ll pull off her top and flash her boobs whenever legislation gets bogged down by bickering among other members of the house. (As I recall, this never worked for Sheila Copps. Or Joe Clark.)
• Bristol UK garage owner Adrian Thompson has spread his love of automobiles through his family – by naming his daughters after cars. His firstborn was named ‘Mercedes’ after his favorite car. When his girlfriend became pregnant with their 2nd child ‘Skoda’ and ‘Porche’ were considered, but they finally settled on ‘Lexus’. (Thank gawd there wasn’t a ‘Viper’ in the shop!)
• German police have found a 54-year-old woman near Stuttgart who’s been living with her dead aunt tucked up in bed – for 18 months. The woman told police her 89-year-old aunt died back in June of 2001. (But remained far more active in the sack than her ex-husband.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.23.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1933 [70] Chita Rivera (Dolores Conchita Figueroa del Rivero), Washington DC, stage actress with 45 years on Broadway (“Chicago”, “Kiss of the Spider Woman”, “West Side Story”)/movie actress (“Chicago”, “Sweet Charity”)/2002 Kennedy Center Honoree
1950 [53] Richard Dean Anderson, Minneapolis MN, TV actor (Colonel Jack O’Neill -“Stargate SG-1″ since 1997, ”MacGyver” 1985-92)
1953 [50] Robin Zander, Beloit WI, classic rock singer/guitarist (Cheap Trick-“The Flame”, “I Want You to Want Me”)
1957 [46] Princess Caroline Grimaldi of Monaco, Monte Carlo MON, idle rich girl
1964 [39] Mariska Hargitay, LA CA, TV actress (Detective Olivia Benson-“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”)
1969 [34] Brendan Shanahan, Mimico ON, NHL winger (Detroit Red Wings, 2002 Olympic gold medal-Team Canada )
1974 [29] Tiffani Thiessen, Long Beach CA, TV actress (Lt Billie Chambers-“Fastlane”, “Beverly Hills 90210″ 1994-98)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Compliment Day”, a day to bolster someone else’s self-esteem. Go ahead, tell someone they’re not looking as ugly as usual.
TODAY is “School Nurse Day”, to honor those dedicated professionals who write handy excuse notes (aka ‘Fake a Headache & Get Out of Class Day’).
TODAY is “National Handwriting Day”, a day set aside to encourage more legible handwriting. (Especially for doctors.)
TODAY is “National Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day”, when snowplow drivers are encouraged to take out as many mailboxes as possible. High score wins! (Hey, any excuse to get fewer bills delivered.)
TODAY is “National Pie Day”, celebrating the pie as an ‘art form’. (It’s better used as a weapon.)
TODAY is “Measure Your Feet Day”, a good day to find the listener with the largest, then discover if it’s true what they say about guys with gargantuan feet.
TODAY is “National Spieling Day”, celebrating that great Canadian pastime – blathering. Celebrants are encouraged to give long-winded speeches about meaningless subjects to family and co-workers. It’s a good day to play ‘Dollar-a-Second’, where phone contestants must speak for 30 seconds continuously on-air without saying ‘um’ or repeating themselves. Not as easy as it seems! (As you well know.)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1994 [09] In a Toronto hospital, Billy Joel avoids emergency surgery by passing a kidney stone
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1942 [61] ‘Tupperware’ is invented (that stuff in your cupboard you can’t find the lids for)
1981 [22] 1st NHLer to score 50 goals in 50 games (Mike Bossy-NY Islanders)
1986 [17] 1st “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” inductees include Elvis Presley, Chuck Berry & Fats Domino
1991 [12] “Seinfeld” debuts on NBC-TV as a regular weekly sit-com
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1935 [68] Lowest-ever recorded Ontario temperature (-58.3 C at Iroquois Falls)
1916 [87] Browning MT sets record for 24-hour temp variation at 100 degrees (from +44 F to -56 F)
1971 [32] Lowest US temperature ever recorded (-80 F at Prospect Creek Camp, Alaska)
1977 [26] All-time most-watched mini-series, “Roots”, debuts on ABC-TV
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Fun At Work Day (isn’t every day?)
[Sat] Robbie Burns Day (get ready to hurl the haggis!)
[Sat] Opposite Day (wear everything backwards)
[Sun] Super Bowl 37 (had you heard?)
This Week Is . . . International Printing Week / Hunt for Happiness Week
This Month Is . . . Thyroid Disease Awareness Month / Whale Watching Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT:
• “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”
• “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Shania Twain had a baby.”
• “Well, can’t they induce labor? SUNDAY is the Super Bowl!”
• “Jeff at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
• “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
• “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger . . .”
BS WEB GOODIE:
Introducing ‘The Sockman Calculator’. Gosh, you can find out how many socks you have worn and approximately how many you’ve owned in your lifetime. How useful!
NET: http://www.renfro.com/consumer/Renfro/funstuff/sockcalculator/index.html
BS INTERVIEW:
Ever heard of a travel agent for pets? Nova Scotia’s Mike & Lynne Cooper call themselves ‘pet transportation specialists’. Their Five Acres Pet Boarding & Travel Agency offers ground or air transportation for pets of all kinds. So what are some of the more unusual trips booked for past clients? What’s the most exclusive pet destination? And are there some places you just can’t take a pet, no matter how much you spend?
PHONER: 902-873-3659 (Enfield NS)
NET: http://www.e-c-q.com/ecqmerchants/5acre/index.html
NYC’s ‘Pet Chauffeur’ calls itself the ‘pet transportation specialist’. It not only has a fleet of 14 cars to ferry pooches & pussies around the Big Apple, but also offers ground or air transportation coast-to-coast. So what are some of the more unusual trips booked for past clients? What’s the most exclusive pet destination? And are there some places you just can’t take a pet, no matter how much you spend?
PHONER: 866-PET-RIDE toll-free/718-752-1767
NET: http://petride.com/
BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
• At what age does the average North American sinner lose his/her virginity?
a) 14.
b) 16. (CORRECT. Have license, will utilize backseat!)
c) 18.
• When is it NOT appropriate to scream out, “Who’s your daddy?”
a) During sex.
b) At an adoption office.
c) While masturbating at work. (CORRECT)
• 38 is the current tally for what world record?
a) Stone skips across water. (CORRECT)
b) Pounds of haggis eaten in one sitting.
c) Public orgasms by a former kids’ show host.
• 70,000 citizens of which blighted nation formally declared themselves ‘Jedi’?
a) Canada.
b) England.
c) Australia. (CORRECT)
Source: “Maxim”
BS BLATANT JOKE:
If my standard of living gets any lower, I could be adopted by World Vision.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Almost two-thirds of people surveyed say they’ve made new friends because they have one of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A pet.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
