Monday, January 20, 2003 Edition: #2458
Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!
BS TITILLATING TABLOID TIDBITS:
• “NY Post” says celebs at LAST NIGHT’S “Golden Globe Awards” may have felt a little short-changed. Winners usually get ‘goody bags’ filled with expensive items, but a “Post” spy says this year the bags were worth a lot less. For some unknown reason, organizers apparently cheaped out, filling the freebies with comparatively inexpensive things like an 11-pound bar of chocolate. (Awww, poor little rich folks. Let’s start a tag day for Hollywood!)
• TONIGHT Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson makes his Broadway debut in the musical “Chicago”, “E! Online” notes. He’ll take over the role of the shyster attorney ‘Billy Flynn’ from actor Billy Zane. (Hey, it’s not like the band was busy doing anything else.)
• Tom Cruise is said to be smitten with busty model Sofia Vergara, according to that beacon of truth that is “Star” magazine. Rumors about the Colombian and the 40-year-old actor are believed to be the reason Penelope Cruz called off their wedding, which was apparently planned for Valentine’s Day in Malta. Vergara has been previously linked to pop singers Craig David and Enrique Iglesias. (Ah, she’s a collector.)
• UK’s “Sun” tab says Actor George Clooney will find out TODAY if he’ll need surgery on his Achilles tendon that he tore while playing basketball. Clooney, who’s now forced to wear a foot brace and use crutches, admits it was very painful when it snapped and he – quote – “cried like a little girl”.
• “PeopleNews” says director Martin Scorsese is in talks with Nicole Kidman to play the screen icon Ava Gardner in the upcoming film “The Aviator”, about legendary reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes. Leonardo DiCaprio has the tile role. (Can you picture those two in a love scene?)
• “Ananova” informs us that former “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” co-stars Alyson Hannigan and Alexis Denisof (now on “Angel”) are engaged. They’ve set a tentative wedding date for SEPTEMBER after she finishes filming the comedy sequel “American Pie 3″.
• Is this the British evacuation? “Mirror” reports Madonna may be ready to leave London, having removed her 5-year-old daughter from the exclusive French Lycee school and informing them that Lourdes won’t be schooled in England anymore. Meantime, “Sun” reports that pop star Kylie Minogue is leaving Britain after 13 years to live in the USA. The Aussie singer reportedly plans to spend this year ‘conquering the States’ and will divide her time between New York and LA.
• “E! Online” reports the all-star “South African AIDS Awareness Concert” that former South African president Nelson Mandela had planned to host FEBRUARY 2 has been cancelled because of problems over broadcast rights and sponsorship. U2’s Bono, Macy Gray and Shaggy were among those expected to perform at Cape Town’s Robben Island, the former apartheid jail where Mandela spent 18 years in prison.
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• A Nottingham, England funeral parlor is now offering customized coffins in a range of
unusual shapes. Special orders taken by the Fearns Company include coffins in the shape of sleds, boats, airplanes and bells. Funeral director David Crampton says they’re now making one or two ‘shaped caskets’ a week. (What would you pick? How about one in the shape of a couch – then I’d never have to bother getting up!)
• Farmers in Norway have launched a beauty pageant – for cows. The winner will be crowned ‘Miss Lista’ after the region where it’s being held. Judges will examine each cow and grade her on body, legs and, yes, teats. (There’s nothing sadder than a cow with a silicone job.)
I CAN’T READ IT, THE SUN’S GLARING:
Microsoft is developing a new watch that will give you an up-to-the-minute weather report. (For people who have enough energy to look at their wrist, but not enough to go to the window and look out.)
SEX SECRET:
The key to good sex is ‘spontaneity’, according to sex therapists quoted in “Redbook”. Try different times, days and locations, they say. And, most of all, lower your standards. (“Wow honey, you were really adequate!”)
GREY ISSUES:
A new seniors survey shows that 70% of oldsters are upset at the way elderly people are portrayed on TV as being feeble and confused. (The weird part is the survey was about the economy.)
DEGREES OF CELIBACY:
A study in “American Demographic” magazine says that people with university degrees get less sex than those who finish only high school. And those who go on to graduate school get even less!
GETTING IN TOUCH WITH THE FEMININE SIDE:
A new study at St Andrews and Stirling Universities finds that women’s taste in men may vary depending on whether or not they’re taking contraceptives. Women on the pill seem to be more attracted to men with strong masculine features which are thought to be more important to women looking for short-term partners. But researchers found that in choosing long-term partners, women subconsciously select men with less-threatening, more feminine features, theoretically indicating honesty and good child-rearing skills.
COULD YOU WORK AS A ‘PIT INSPECTOR’?
The city of Bend, Oregon is considering banning people from riding city buses if they have excessive body odor. (You think you hate your job, how’d you like this one? “Excuse me, could you raise your arms please?” [SNIFF] “Okay, thank you.”)
BS AMAZING FACT:
A recent poll finds that 91% of respondents lie regularly. Interestingly, it also finds that most people are more likely to have told a serious lie to someone they know well!
THE BULL SHEET 01.20.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [57] David Lynch, Missoula MT, ultra-weird movie director/producer (2-time Oscar nominee-“Mulholland Drive”, “Blue Velvet”)/TV director/producer (“Twin Peaks”)
1956 [47] Bill Maher, NYC, comedian/TV host (ex-“Politically Incorrect”) who’ll host a new late-night HBO talk show, “Real Time with Bill Maher”, starting FEBRUARY 21
1965 [38] John Michael Montgomery, Lexington KY, country singer (“Sold: Grundy County Auction Incident”, CMA ‘Single of the Year’ 1994-“I Swear”, ACM ‘Song of the Year’ 1994-“I Love The Way You Love Me”)
1969 [34] Skeet Ulrich, Concord NC, TV actor (Paul Callan-“Miracles”)/movie actor (“Scream”, ”As Good As It Gets”)
1979 [24] Rob Bourdon, Calabasas CA, rock drummer (Linkin Park-“In the End”, “One Step Closer”) FACTOID: Linkin Park release their next album “Meteora” MARCH 25TH with the first single “Somewhere I Belong”
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Astrology] Sign of Aquarius begins
[International] “World Religion Day” (aka ‘Let’s Start a New War Day’)
[International] “Philately Day” (you just can’t lick it!)
TODAY is “Martin Luther King Jr Day” in the USA, honoring the slain civil rights leader’s 1929 birth date and celebrated annually on the 3rd Monday in January since 1986.
THIS WEEK is “National Non-Smoking Week” in Canada, highlighted by “Weedless Wednesday”, the day when everyone’s encouraged to butt out for 24 hours.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1982 [21] Ozzy Osbourne decapitates a bat during Des Moines IA concert, an outrageous act that becomes the stuff of legend
1987 [16] One of the great one-hit-wonders as Billy Vera & the Beaters’ “At This Moment” hits #1 on pop charts
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1885 [118] 1st ‘roller coaster’ (The Cyclone-Coney Island NY)
1892 [111] 1st officially recognized ‘basketball game’ played, devised by Canadian James Naismith (YMCA-Springfield MA)
1982 [21] 1st edition of “Late Night With David Lettermen” on NBC-TV
1982 [21] 1st ‘camcorder’ developed (leading to stacks of tapes in the closet that you never look at and numerous TV shows that feature clips of men getting hit in the crotch)
1998 [05] 1st episode of “Dawson’s Creek” on the WB (Katie Holmes begins climbing the ladder to James Van Der Beek’s bedroom)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] “American Idol 2″ begins
[Tues] Squirrel Appreciation Day
[Wed] Answer Your Cat’s Question Day
[Thurs] Measure Your Feet Day
[Thurs] Compliment Day
[Fri] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
[Sat] Robbie Burns Day
[Sun] Super Bowl
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Healthy Weight Week
Creative Frugality Week
Nurse Anesthetists Week
Hunt for Happiness Week
Solo-Preneuring Week
Direct Deposit Week
International Printing Week
Jaycee Week
National Thrift Week
Worldwide Kiwanis Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR NEW CLONE:
• Talk to yourself without people thinking you’re crazy.
• Finally see what that mole on your back really looks like.
• Confuse the hell out of your dog. Don’t worry, your cat won’t care.
• Give your hairdresser a heart attack with the fastest growing haircut ever.
• Find out how good you really are in bed.
ARE YOU A GUY OR A MAN?
• Men order wine based on more than the price. Guys bring their own beer.
• Men know what they want to be doing 5 years down the road. Guys aren’t sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
• Men wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces. Guys wear high school T-shirts they’ve actually owned since high school.
• Men balance their cheque books. Guys balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in-a-row.
• Men think perfume (yours) is a turn-on. Guys think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
THE BS STUD TEST:
You’re looking for a ‘real man’ on the phone to score one point each for ‘yes’ answers to the following questions. To qualify as ‘studly’, he needs a score of 5 or more.
• Have you ever eaten anything not normally recognized as food?
• Have you ever been thrown out of any kind of a game?
• Have you ever still been drinking when the sun came up?
• Have you ever had to flee naked from a woman’s bedroom when her boyfriend and/or husband showed up?
• Have you ever upchucked after drinking too much – then kept on drinking?
• Have you ever slept with a woman whose name you didn’t know?
• Have you ever had a dental filling without anaesthetic?
PHONE STARTERS:
• “What COULDN’T you forgive your partner for doing?” (In a magazine poll, 50% of women say they could forgive their mate for gambling away the family savings, but only 30% could forgive an affair.)
• “When you talk to your kids, what unusual expressions fall out of your mouth that your parents used to say to you?” (“If I have to stop this car!”, “You’ll catch your death of cold!”, etc)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: How many birthdays does the average person have?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Uh – one.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Fame is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
BS welcomes samplers this week that include Randy Thacker @ KXPC Albany OR, Terry Trouyet @ WWLG Baltimore MD, Rocco Pallotto @ WMRF Lewistown PA, Eric Rowe @ KDBN Dallas TX, and Arnie Andrew @ COW 97 Sparta WI.
