Thursday, January 10, 2002 Edition: #2208
There’s Nothing Like a Bull In Your Radio Shop!
YOU MIGHT BE SINGLE IF…
• You use a stapler to adjust the length of your pants.
• You eat frozen pizza without microwaving it.
• Your refrigerator is packed full of Tupperware containers filled with moldy food because you just don’t want to wash them.
• You haven’t cooked in so long you’ve forgotten which buttons to use on the stove.
• You’ve often wondered how many empty pizza boxes constitutes ‘a collection’.
• You smell your clothes to see if you can wear them — again.
• The last time you cleaned the house was when you moved in.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT is the 2-hour finale of “Survivor: Africa” as the final four contestants go through 2 immunity challenges and 3 tribal councils to determine the sole survivor (I don’t care who wins, as long as that grotesque gigantic boil on Big Tom’s neck gets voted off) . . . Word is Russell Crowe had a hard time getting back to his old self after playing the paranoid-schizophrenic in “A Beautiful Mind”, suffering nightmares long after shooting was completed (fortunately, he’s never had to face them alone) . . . A reality TV show following the fortunes of 5 high-priced Sydney call girls may soon be on Australian TV and the girls’ escort agency is already seeking sponsorships from various clothing manufacturers (“This blowjob brought to you by Benetton . . .”) . . . After 10 years, the Black Crowes have reportedly disbanded (gee, will anyone notice?) . . . A private investigator apparently tailed NBA superstar Michael Jordan for 4 years and spotted him with at least 6 different women before his wife finally filed for divorce FRIDAY (only slam-dunked 6 in 4 years — c’mon Michael!) . . . Getting married with no date announced yet – Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale & No Doubt singer Gwen Stefani, and “Spin City” star Charlie Sheen & ‘Bond girl’ actress Denise Richards.
MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
All five members of ‘N Sync will appear in a battle scene in “Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones” as Jedi knights that get bumped off within seconds by savage androids (George Lucas’s 13-year-old daughter Katie badgered her pop into giving them a cameo) . . . Tom Hanks and Leonardo DiCaprio will co-star in Steven Spielberg’s cat-and-mouse drama “Catch Me If You Can”, which begins shooting NEXT MONTH (why does Leo continue to get jobs?) . . . The upcoming horror film “Deathwatch” is about a group of teenagers who come across a HAUNTED WEBSITE that predicts their future (would this pitch even get accepted in film school?).
MIMICKING MONARCH:
Queen Elizabeth reportedly makes her friends laugh by impersonating world leaders. Her biographer claims her impersonations include British PM Tony Blair and ex-Russian President Boris Yeltsin. She is said to be quite good. (But her best act is still playing a ram-rod stiff, snooty royal.)
YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW:
Rumors are rampant that male students at televangelist Rev Jerry Falwell’s ultra-conservative Liberty University engaged in gay sex with a campus pastor. “National Enquirer” reports that infamous homophobe Falwell has slammed a lid on all press releases in an effort to do damage control.
BEAR PAIRING:
Scientists are creating an international ‘dating agency’ for pandas. They hope the program will improve the breeding success of those in captivity. Experts estimate the majority of the world’s captive pandas are now infertile. (With those black eyes, they look like they’ve been dating Mike Tyson.)
NO-UNION UNION:
A dating agency specializing in matching clients who want a SEX-FREE MARRIAGE opened for business 3 months ago in Bergen, Norway. So far, no one has signed up. (Thanks but we already have one — for free.)
DARING GOOD FOR DATING:
Extreme sports can make you more interesting, exciting and attractive in the eyes of potential admirers, a new British survey shows. (“So tell me, do you jump off this bridge often?”)
ON YOUR MARK, GET SET:
Bangkok, Thailand, notorious for its traffic gridlock, has now installed ‘countdown timers’ at busy intersections to tell drivers how long they’ll have to wait before the traffic lights change. (What next, drag racing ‘Christmas trees’?)
THE ULTIMATE CADDIES:
A University of Florida engineering student has developed a pair of robots that play golf. The first, ‘Li’l Golfing Buddy’, scoots around on rubber wheels hunting for the tee with infrared sensors, then balances a ball on top before backing off. The second, named ‘RoboWoods’ after the world’s #1 player, uses infrared sensors to locate the ball and hole, then knocks the ball in with a shortened putter. Inventor Kahlil Khan says it’s practical use could be to test putters.
HOLEY PAIN:
A new study at Pace University in Pleasantville NY finds that nearly 20% of pierced students suffered from some form of problem associated with the piercing of their navels, ears or other body parts. Reported troubles ranged from infections to bleeding. (To this yucky green and yellow stuff oozing and festering . . . oh sorry, got carried away.)
MOST POPULAR CAR COLORS:
Silver has now replaced white as the most popular color for new vehicles. Here’s a look at the most popular hues –
• Silver (19%)
• White (16%)
• Red (15% of all new vehicles, #1 on trucks)
• Blue (11%)
• Green (10%, down from over 20% in 1994-98 when it was the most popular color)
• Neutral colors like champagne, gold & light brown (14% of all new vehicles, #1 on luxury cars)
(Source: new stats from PPG Industries)
THE BULL SHEET 01.10.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [67] Ronnie Hawkins, Huntsville AR, Canadian rock icon who assembled The Band
1938 [64] Frank Mahovlich (“The Big M”), Timmins ON, Canadian Senator/Hall of Fame NHL player
1945 [57] Rod Stewart, Glasgow SCOT, wrinkle-rock singer (“Maggie May”, “Do You Think I’m Sexy”)
1948 [54] Donald Fagen, Passaic NJ, classic rock singer (Steely Dan-“Reeling in the Years”)
1953 [49] Pat Benatar (Andrzejewski), Brooklyn NY, classic rocker (“Hit Me with Your Best Shot”)
1958 [44] Shawn Colvin, Vermillion SD, pop singer (“Sunny Came Home”)/ex-London ON resident
1964 [38] Brad Roberts, Winnipeg MB, rock singer (Crash Test Dummies-“Ghosts That Haunt Me”, “Mmm Mmm Mmm”)
1982 [20] Josh Ryan Evans, Hayward CA, 3′-2″ actor (8-year-old ‘Grinch’-“How the Grinch Stole Christmas”, child lawyer ‘Oren Koolie’-“Ally McBeal”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Peculiar People Day”, a good day to have listeners call in stories about the weird habits of people they know.
TODAY is “Egg Balancing Day”, when you can take your average egg, place it on it’s fat end and it stands. Truth be told, it works any day. But hey, it’s a long cold winter and any distraction is welcome!
TODAY Robert Redford’s “2002 Sundance Film Festival” opens and continues through JANUARY 20 in Park City UT. It has the reputation as the premier platform for independent film making.
ON THIS DAY . . .
2000 [02] America Online announces it will buy Time Warner in biggest corporate merger ever ($165 billion)
2000 [02] Melissa Etheridge reveals David Crosby is father of her 2 children by artificial insemination
2001 [01] Sleazy FOX-TV game show “Temptation Island” debuts
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1863 [139] World’s 1st ‘subway’ opens (the ‘Metropolitan’ in London, aka the ‘tube’)
1999 [03] Critically acclaimed TV drama series “The Sopranos” premieres on HBO
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
2001 [01] Tisdale SK bakery achieves record of 92 eggs standing for annual BS “Egg Balancing Day”
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Jean Chrétien’s & Sir John A Macdonald’s Birthday
[Fri] International Thank-Yous Days
[Sat] Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day
[Sun] Volunteer Fireman’s Day
[Sun] 28th People’s Choice Awards
[Mon] National Dress Up Your Pet Day
Someday We’ll Laugh About This Week
National Thank-Your-Customers Week
National Eye Health Care Month
Coffee Gourmet International Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS COMEBACKS TO THE AGE OLD QUESTION “WHY AREN’T YOU MARRIED YET?”:
• “I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.”
• “What? And spoil my great sex life?”
• “Nobody would believe me wearing white.”
• “I’m waiting until I get to be your age.”
• “Why aren’t you thin?”
• “I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.”
• (Bonus reply for single moms) “Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.”
BS GIFT THANK-YOU CARD:
I must express my gratitude
For such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste
Is matched only by your thrift.
It’s clear that you spared all expense
If you catch my drift.
Please remove the anti-theft device
The next time you shoplift.
(Source: friend of Winona Ryder)
BS Q & A:
Q: Which property represented as a railroad on the “Monopoly” game board was not actually a railroad?
A: ‘Short Line’, which was a bus company.
(Source: “Triviaville”)
Q: When were the first commercial flights to the Moon offered — 1969, 1979, or 1999?
A: Right after the first moon walk in 1969, Pan American Airlines started accepting reservations for a future trip, date unspecified. More than 80,000 requests came in.
(Source: “Totally Trivial”)
BS TAG LINE:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
