Friday, January 4, 2002 Edition: #2204
Don’t Take Any Sheet – Unless It’s BS!
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what’s bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the mailman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Neither does any dishes.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY at 8:15am PST the “Grammy Award” nominations will be announced in Los Angeles by a gaggle of artists including Nelly Furtado, Ja Rule, Train, and Usher . . . Because we really need another awards show, the first-ever “AFI Awards” (American Film Institute) will be handed out TOMORROW night in a live broadcast on CBS, with the combat thriller “Black Hawk Down” and the family drama “In the Bedroom” leading nominations with 5 apiece . . . The makers of the “Scary Movie” films are planning to spoof “Harry Potter” and “Lord Of The Rings” in the next movie in the series which will reportedly be titled “Scary Movie 3: Lord Of The Brooms” . . . Word is Jennifer Lopez and dancer hubby Cris Judd are writing a comedy film for J-Lo and are already looking for a producer.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
A father reunites with his family of unique geniuses in the comedy “The Royal Tenenbaums”, starring Gene Hackman, Anjelica Huston, Ben Stiller & Gwyneth Paltrow . . . Gary Sinise battles aliens in the futuristic sci-fi thriller “Impostor” . . . And “A Beautiful Mind”, starring Russell Crowe as a paranoid-schizophrenic math genius, opens wide (released in a few theaters in December to qualify for Oscar consideration).
BEST ‘FAMILY FILMS’ OF 2001:
“Lord of the Rings”
“Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone”
”Shrek”
“Monsters Inc”
“The Princess Diaries”
“Spy Kids”
“Cats and Dogs”
“Hearts in Atlantis”
“Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius”
“Max Keeble’s Big Move”
(Source: The ‘Movie Mom’ Nell Minow, who reviews movies & videos on her Website http://www.moviemom.com)
MAD MAN OF THE YEAR:
The ever wacky Rev Jerry Falwell tops “MAD Magazine’s” list of ‘The Dumbest People, Events and Things of 2001′. The televalengelist gets the dubious honor for blaming the 9/11 terrorist
attacks on ‘the abortionists, feminists, gays and lesbians.’ (Hey Jer’, you forgot Tinky Winky.)
POST PARTUM POPS:
A new study from Australia’s Sydney University finds first-time fathers tend to put on weight, exercise less, and have far less sex than they expect after the baby is born. Researcher Carolyn Corkindale says the study shows new fathers are particularly vulnerable at this time, with few support networks compared to women. Seems new dads are overlooked, while new moms enjoy the majority of attention from health professionals. (Awww, let’s hold hands and cry.)
CRACK ATTACK:
A Cleveland OH city councillor is pushing for a law against the current fad of low-hanging pants. Under the proposed legislation offenders would be fined $25 for wearing trousers in the
half-mast style, according to “Blender” magazine. (Plumbers pioneered this style decades ago.)
THINK POSITIVE:
According to a new study from the Mayo Clinic, optimists live 19% longer than pessimists. (An easy way to remember which is which — the pessimist believes the glass is half empty and the optimist believes the bong is half full.)
NO HONKIES ALLOWED:
Drivers in New Delhi, India are now banned from honking their horns at drivers in front to alert them a traffic light has turned green. Anyone using a horn within 100 yards of a traffic signal gets whacked with a fine. Why? Police say the use of horns at lights often sparks road rage. (But not as often as the bumper-mounted cattle prod.)
ALL IN THE FAMILY:
A new study suggests that bad driving may be hereditary. Researchers at the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety in Virginia say that the offspring of dangerous drivers have more accidents and more speeding fines than those of safe drivers. A childhood spent in the back seat of a recklessly driven car is likely to instill bad driving habits. (“Sorry officer, but it’s my dad’s fault.”)
PARTS DEPARTMENT:
The Scottish company that cloned ‘Dolly’ the sheep is getting close to cloning pig parts for transplant into humans. (Soon the boss might REALLY be pig-headed.)
BLUE BURGERS?
In South Africa, the Nestlé company is now marketing blue mayonnaise with a bubble-gum flavor called ‘Gloob’. (Man, and you thought the Heinz purple ketchup was gross!)
THE BULL SHEET 01.04.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1937 [65] Dyan Cannon (Friesen), Tacoma WA, TV actress (Honey-“Three Sisters”, formerly Judge Whipper Cone-“Ally McBeal” [1997-2000])
1960 [42] Michael Stipe, Decatur GA, rock singer/songwriter (REM-“Losing My Religion”)
1962 [40] Dave Foley, Toronto ON, movie actor (“Toy Story 2″, “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut”)/former TV actor (“Newsradio” [1995-99], “Kids in the Hall” [1989-94])
1966 [36] Deana Carter, Nashville TN, country singer named after Dean Martin (“Strawberry Wine”)
1967 [35] Benjamin Darvill, Winnipeg MB, rock musician (Crash Test Dummies-“Superman Song”, “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm”)
1971 [31] Garrison Hearst, Lincolnton GA, NFL RB (San Francisco 49ers)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [71] Robert Duvall, San Diego CA, film actor (“Gone in Sixty Seconds”, Oscar-“Tender Mercies”) NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Denzel Washington in the hostage drama “John Q” opening FEBRUARY 15
1942 [60] Charlie Rose, Henderson NC, TV journalist (“60 Minutes II”, “The Charlie Rose Show”)
1946 [56] Diane Keaton (Hall), LA CA, movie actress (“First Wives Club”, Oscar-“Annie Hall”)
1968 [34] Joe Juneau, Pont-Rouge QC, NHL center (Montréal Canadiens)
1969 [33] Marilyn Manson (Brian Warner), Canton OH, rock weirdo (“Beautiful People”)
1975 [27] Warrick Dunn, Baton Rouge LA, NFL RB (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [47] Rowan Atkinson, Newcastle-upon-Tyne ENG, TV fool (“Mr Bean”, “Blackadder”)/film actor (“Bean”, “Four Weddings & a Funeral”)
1960 [42] Howie Long, Charlestown MA, NFL TV analyst (“Fox NFL Sunday”)/TV ad huckster (Radio Shack ads with Teri Hatcher)/former NFL DE (Raiders)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] “Elizabeth Ann Seton Feast Day” (the first American-born saint)
TODAY is “Trivia Day” in celebration of those with ‘doctorates in uselessology’. For a switch, try playing ‘Stump the Goof’, where listeners call in questions for you to answer.
SATURDAY Inuvik NT is holding the 13th annual “Sunrise Festival”, celebrating the reappearance of the sun after 6 WEEKS of total darkness. (No matter how bad things get, just remember you could be doing all nights in Inuvik.)
PHONER: 867-777-2607/867-777-4321
THIS WEEK is “National Karaoke Week”. (‘Karaoke’ is a Japanese word for ‘drunken loser’.)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1999 [02] Minnesota inaugurates former pro wrestler Jesse Ventura as its 38th governor, the only Reform Party candidate to ever win statewide office
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1885 [117] 1st ‘appendectomy’ (Dr William Grant on a 22-year-old woman in Davenport IA)
1910 [92] 1st ‘blender’ is invented (next day, 1st pina colada is invented)
1991 [11] 1st recording artist to have 7 singles from 1 album (Janet Jackson-“Rhythm Nation 1814”)
1996 [06] 1st ‘live Internet rock concert’ includes Deborah Harry, Joan Jett & Joey Ramone
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1961 [41] Danish barbers’ assistants end longest-ever recorded strike — 33 years!
1966 [36] 17-year-old June Clark of Miami FL begins 155-day sneezing fit
1975 [27] Ice thickness measured at 4,776 meters at Wilkes Land, Antarctica
1986 [16] 1st NHLer with 100 points in 7 consecutive seasons (Wayne Gretzky-Edmonton Oilers)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Epiphany / Twelfth Day (Twelfthtide) / Three Kings Day (Dia de los Santos Reyes)
[Sun] International Respect For Living Day
[Sun] National Smith Day
[Sun] Bean Day
[Mon] Mariah Carey on “Ally McBeal”
[Mon] Old Rock Day
[Mon] I’m Not Going to Take it Anymore Day
[Mon] Organize Your Home Day
Celebration of Life Week
Diet Resolution Week
It’s OK to be Different Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT’S YOUR RADIO STAR SIGN?
• ANNOUNCER
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose Radio School to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
• SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as ‘marketing without a degree’, you are self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can ‘concentrate on the big picture’. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
• PRODUCTION
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens in the Recording Studio. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that geeks shall inherit the Earth.
• ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place 90% of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself because your office is full of all the latest ‘ergodynamic’ gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your ‘carpal tunnel syndrome’.
• ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization. Combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
• RECEPTION
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a 50-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little desk for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play ‘Reception’. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
• PROGRAM DIRECTOR
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your ‘skills’ are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
• MANAGER
Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself.
• PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
(Source: some anonymous radio cynic)
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Have the Ottawa Senators ever won the Stanley Cup?
A: The original Senators actually won FOUR cups — in 1920, ‘21, ‘23 and ‘27.
Q: Who coached the winners of ‘Superbowl I’?
A: The coach of the 1966-67 Green Bay Packers was the legendary Vince Lombardi.
BS TAG LINE:
We are the people our parents warned us about.
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