Friday, January 26, 2001 Edition: #1978
TODAY is “Fun At Work Day”, because experts say when we enjoy our work, we are more productive. So here’s a few BS suggestions on ways to have fun at work . . .
• Before anyone else shows up, connect each PC to a different monitor.
• Don’t be content just photocopying your ass, scan it into your PC and enhance it with Photoshop!
• Bring a chainsaw, but don¹t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say ‘Just in case’ mysteriously.
• Move the ‘Reserved’ sign on the bosses’s parking space one space to the left . . . every day.
• Put a straw in your mouth and your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
• Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
• Put your trash can on your desk. Label it ‘IN’.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
On again — publicists for both Jennifer Lopez and Puffy Combs are denying reports they’ve split . . . Off again – word is Meg Ryan has been dumped by Russell Crowe because he wanted to party with buddies . . . Drunk again — TODAY “Charmed” actress Shannen Doherty is scheduled to appear in court on DUI charges . . . Here we go again — after weeks of hype, “Survivor 2: The Australian Outback” premieres SUNDAY after the Super Bowl, then moves to its regular THURSDAY 8pm time slot . . . Bet she won’t be invited again — after fumbling the finale of the “Golden Globes Awards”, Elizabeth Taylor apparently had the gall to stick producer Dick Clark with a bill for $6,000 for makeup and hair.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Jennifer Lopez copped a cool $9 million to co-star with Matthew McConaughey in the romantic comedy, “The Wedding Planner”, making her the highest-paid Hispanic actress ever . . . John Malkovich & Willem Dafoe in “Shadow of the Vampire”, about the creepy happenings during the making of a horror movie in 1922 . . . The no-name comedy “Sugar & Spice”, about a pregnant cheerleader who turns to crime to support herself.
SUPER BOWL FACTS:
• SUNDAY from Tampa’s Raymond James Stadium on Global-TV 6pm EST. Pre-game starts at noon.
• LAST YEAR’s game was the 5th most watched program in TV history and the 3rd most-watched Super Bowl.
• NFC Champion NY Giants is designated the ‘home team’ and will wear its choice of jerseys.
• Pre-game entertainment includes Sting and Styx. Backstreet Boys will sing the national anthem and Ray Charles will perform “America the Beautiful”. Half-time entertainment includes ‘N Sync and Aerosmith.
• A new political party in Western Australia called ‘Australians Against Wowsers’ has a wacky platform — it’s demanding tax-free beer served by naked women! (Where do I sign up?)
• “Guinness Book of Records” has just sanctioned 19-year-old British college coed Lisa Hall for having the world’s ‘longest legs’ — 49 inches! (Trouble is, she’s only 5-foot 2.)
• A Russian criminal was busted trying to leave the country when his fake ears fell off. (He was charged with impersonating English royalty.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.26.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1925  Paul Newman, Cleveland OH, movie actor (Oscar-“Color of Money”)/auto racer/food mogul (“Newman’s Own”) NEXT FILM: He’ll appear with Tom Hanks in the drama “Road to Perdition”
1955  Eddie Van Halen, Nijmegen NETH, Grammy Award-winning plastic-hipped rock guitarist (Van Halen-“Panama”, “Jump”)
1958  Ellen Degeneres, New Orleans LA, comedian/TV actress (“Ellen”) whose currently working on putting together another TV sitcom
1961  Wayne Gretzky, Brantford ON, NHL Phoenix Coyotes co-owner & GM-without-portfolio /executive director of Canadian Olympic hockey/Hockey Hall of Fame player/”Hockey News” ‘All Time Best NHL Player’/9-time NHL MVP
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931  Mordecai Richler, Montreal PQ, author (“Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz”)
1961  Margo Timmins, Toronto ON, pop singer (Cowboy Junkies-“Misguided Angel”)
1964  Bridget Fonda, LA CA, film actress (“A Simple Plan”, “Jackie Brown)
1968  Tracy Lawrence, Atlanta TX, country singer (“I’ll Never Pass This Way Again”)
1968  Matt Stover, Dallas TX, NFL kicker (Baltimore Ravens) who’ll win SUNDAY’s game?
1970  Mark Trojanowski, Gainesville FL, rock musician (Sister Hazel-“All For You”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
The annual “Quebec Winter Carnival” cranks up TODAY through February 11th, when thousands party down with ‘Bonhomme’ while wearing the traditional ‘ceinture fléchée’ (basically bits of red rag).
According to the ‘International Thomas Crapper Society’, TOMORROW is “Thomas Crapper Day”, in honor of the man who invented the toilet flush mechanism, on the anniversary of his death in 1910. Thomas Crapper & Co became engineers by appointment to the ‘throne’ of England.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Delegates arrive in Ottawa as United Alternative Convention gets set to begin, eventually choosing (and later dropping) the name CRAP (Canadian Reform Alliance Party)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
3500BC  Ancient Sumerians invent beer (next day Sumerian found driving the big white chariot)
1875  1st ‘electric dental drill’ (George F Green of Kalamazoo, Michigan is to blame)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] National Kazoo Day
[Mon] 21st Annual Genie Awards
Glaucoma Awareness Week
March of Dimes Birth Defects Prevention Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: How many times has a Baltimore team made it to the Super Bowl?
A: Twice before. The Baltimore Colts represented the NFC when they lost to the NY Jets in 1969, but had been moved to the AFC when they beat the Dallas Cowboys in 1971.
BS TAG LINE: If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing.