Friday, January 12, 2001 Edition: #1968
BS EUPHEMISMS FOR ‘BREAKING WIND’:
• A ridge of high pressure ushering in a warm front.
• Entering the sphincter chat room.
• “Did somebody say McDonalds?”
• Singin’ like Britney.
• Testing in the Levi wind tunnel.
• Answering the call of the wild burrito.
• Having a Hallmark methane moment.
• Guaranteeing that cute guy in marketing will stick his head in your office to say hello 3 seconds later.
• Steam-pressing the Calvins.
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
YESTERDAY Quebec Premier Lucien Bouchard resigned (apparently after Chretien won re-election, he felt he didn’t have a leg to stand on) . . . Madonna is rumored to be among celebs planning to attend the “Maha Kumbh Mela” Hindu festival now on in Northern India where pilgrims bathe in the holy Ganges River, an event that only takes place every 12 years (coincidently the same frequency [your co-host] takes a bath) . . . No wonder negotiations to extend Jay Leno’s contract for hosting “The Tonight Show” through 2005 only ‘took about 20 minutes’ — his salary is estimated at about $14 million a year! . . . Reports say Michael Douglas made an agreement to pay new bride Catherine Zeta-Jones $5 million if he is ever caught having an affair (you can bet he’ll do his cheating out of town) . . . Calista Flockhart is joining the list of Hollywood single moms, adopting a baby boy born New Year’s Eve (apparently the spitting image of David Crosby) . . . In an article to be published TODAY, Lily Tomlin comes out of the closet admitting she’s a lesbian (in related news, the Pope is expected to announce today that he’s Catholic).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Kevin Costner stars in “Thirteen Days”, a drama set during the 2-week ‘Cuban Missile Crisis’ of October ‘62 when the world teetered on the brink of nuclear war (TONIGHT’s screenings include the first trailer for the much-talked-about upcoming “The Lord of the Rings”) . . . George Clooney & John Goodman in the Coen Brothers’ comedy “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”, the story of 1920’s convicts who escape from jail in order to retrieve some stashed-away loot . . . A computer programmer’s dream job at a hot Seattle firm turns nightmarish when he discovers his boss has a big secret in the thriller “AntiTrust”, starring Ryan Phillippe and Tim Robbins.
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• A Russian transportation official is calling for a feasibility study on a $60-billion tunnel to connect Alaska and Siberia much like the ‘Chunnel’ connects the UK and France. (The big difference – people WANT to go to Paris.)
• A new survey of travelers’ habits by the Novotel hotel chain in Australia and New Zealand finds that women are normally quieter than men in hotel rooms, but they make more noise during sex. (In my wife’s case — snoring.)
• In a move to enhance Beijing’s odds of winning the 2008 Olympic Games, mayor Zhang Mao is promising to add decadent Western amenities like toilet paper and radios playing “lively music” to public toilets within 2 years. (Makes you wonder, what are they using now? “The Quotations of Chairman Mao”?)
THE BULL SHEET 01.12.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [46] Kirstie Alley, Wichita KS, ex-TV actress (“Veronica’s Closet”, “Cheers”)
1960 [41] Charlie Gillingham, rock musician (Counting Crows-“Hangin’ Around”, “Mr Jones”)
1964 [37] Jeff Bezos, Miami FL, dot-com billionaire (Amazon.com founder & CEO) whose estimated personal fortune ranges from $2 billion to over $9 billion
1974 [27] Melanie Chisholm (‘Sporty Spice’), Liverpool ENG, pop singer (Spice Girls-“Holler”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1959 [42] Ernie Irvan, Salinas CA, NASCAR auto racer
1961 [40] Julia Louis-Dreyfus, NYC, ex-TV actress (Elaine Benes-“Seinfeld”, 1990-99)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
“Rock in Rio for a Better World”, the biggest-ever gathering for any music event anywhere in the world, is set for TODAY through January 21 in Rio de Janerio, Brazil. 2 million are expected to take in some 100 musical acts, including Britney Spears, ‘N Sync and REM. It took 3,000 workers to build the festival village with 50 stores, beer gardens, restaurants, and areas for rock climbing, skate boarding, and discussions on world peace. The festival benefits Viva Rio, a social services organization for Brazilian youth. NET: http://www.rockinrio.americaonline.com.br/ing_bd_programacao.htm
TODAY is “Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day”, which either has to do with this being “Man Watchers’ Appreciation Week” or girls night out at the ‘Full Monty Club’.
TOMORROW is “Make Your Dream Come True Day”. (What a great idea! To celebrate, I’m going to find $5 billion on the sidewalk, buy the Montreal Canadiens, and fly to Barbados on my private jet where Britney Spears will be waiting for me.)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1999 [02] “Spawn” comic book creator Todd McFarlane pays a record $3 million at auction for historic ball hit by Mark McGwire for his MLB-record 70th home run of 1998 (he also owns McGwire’s 1st, 67th, 68th and 69th HR balls of the ‘98 season, as well as Sammy Sosa’s 33rd, which broke the record for homers in a month, 61st and 66th)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] National Dress Up Your Pet Day (so put a helmet on your snake)
[Mon] Hat Day (wear a goofy hat to dispel the boredom of mid-winter!)
Bald Eagle Watch Month (I like my Mickey Mouse watch better)
BULL’S BITS . . .
SPLEEN ATTACK:
In ancient times, people believed the SPLEEN was the seat of emotions. Thus to ‘vent one’s spleen’ meant to let go of anger. Nowadays we attribute emotions to the HEART. But what if this hadn’t changed? Here’s 3 bits from the same concept . . .
• Have listeners call in famous movie lines, substituting ‘spleen’ for ‘heart’, ie: “The Grinch’s small SPLEEN grew two sizes that day.” Even better, take movie clips and actually edit the word in.
• Ask listeners for expressions that would sound strange, ie: “You’re a hard-SPLEENED woman!”
• Take any tune on your playlist with the word ‘heart’ in it and edit in a monotone voice saying ‘spleen’ to get hilarious results — “Quit Playing Games With My SPLEEN”, “Shape of My SPLEEN”, etc.
BS TAG LINE:
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only 8 minutes.
