Thursday, January 11, 2001 Edition: #1967
HOW JEAN CHRETIEN IS SPENDING HIS BIRTHDAY:
• Ordering 24 Sussex maintenance crew to install 6 more Stockwell Day toilet targets.
• After birthday-dinner entertainment – Paul Martin vs Brain Tobin in another ‘Anoint the Successor’ grovelling competition.
• To further show the country’s progress under the Liberals, he’s adding 4 more to ‘The Group of Seven’ — a 57% increase!
• Just for the hell of it, having that obnoxious ‘Marg Delahunty’ pepper sprayed back to St John’s.
• Enhancing security by commissioning an Inuit sculpture in the shape of a gun.
• Introducing Aline to the party whip.
NOTE: There’s a ‘Chretienizer’ on the ‘Net that converts any Web page into Chretien-like text. Plug in anything and read it ‘Chretienized’.
NET: http://buzz.ca/fun/chretien.html
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
Olympic sprinter Donovan Bailey has been busted for driving his Mercedes at 200 clicks, twice the limit, on a Toronto highway and could lose his driver’s license (he was just trying to reclaim his title as the ‘World’s Fastest Man’) . . . In the FEBRUARY edition of “Vanity Fair”, Keanu Reeves not only admits to regularly using recreational drugs, he says he’s had wonderful experiences (trouble is, he thinks he lives in “The Matrix”) . . . Word is 74-year-old Hugh Hefner has booted his 22-year-old live-in love twins Mandy & Sandy Bentley out of the Playboy Mansion because he got tired of their spending sprees, constant partying and bickering (life’s tough, Hughie) . . . “Survivor 2″ The Australian Outback” doesn’t kick off until after the Super Bowl, but already 2 more instalments have been ordered with locations in Africa and South America being considered for “Survivor 3″ (why not Winnipeg in January?).
FUTURE FILMS:
Britney Spears will make her movie debut in an as-yet-untitled ‘coming-of-age’ film playing a straight-A student who’s persuaded by a young musician to compete in a musical contest (on the bigscreen her navel’s gonna look like the Grand Canyon) . . . The classic TV court drama “Perry Mason” is heading for the bigscreen, with Alec Baldwin and George Clooney said to be vying for the lead role . . . And a feature film version of TV’s “Bewitched” is also in the works, with the Elizabeth Montgomery role to be played by “Charlie’s Angel” Cameron Diaz.
BOGUS BANKNOTES:
The RCMP is asking us NOT to buy novelty $1-million banknotes that are now on the market for about a buck. The Mounties say the joke money is so similar to real Canadian currency it may be illegal. If I were you, I’d be out buying up a whack of them before they’re yanked off the market so you can have a ‘Million Dollar Contest’ every morning. (No one’s gonna believe they’re real — the picture of Izzy Asper wearing a tiara is a dead giveaway.)
VIRTUAL AD CLUTTER:
You know that computer-generated first-down line that we’ve become accustomed to on NFL telecasts? They’ve sold it! Starting with the worldwide broadcast of Super Bowl XXXV, company logos like FedEx and GM will appear on what’s now being referred to as the ‘branded first-down line’. (Soon they’ll be selling space on linebackers’ butts.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.11.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1815 [D-1891] Sir John A MacDonald, Glasgow SCOT, 1st Prime Minister of Canada (1867-73)
1934 [67] Jean Chretien, Shawinigan PQ, 20th Prime Minister of Canada (1993-present)
1942 [59] Clarence Clemons, Norfolk VA, rock musician (Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band)
1968 [33] Tom Dumont, rock musician (No Doubt-“Simple Kind of Life”, “Don’t Speak”)
1971 [30] Mary J Blige, Bronx NY, hip hop singer (“Love Is All We Need”, “”What’s The 411?”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Pharmacists Day”, honoring drug dealers everywhere.
BS SIGNS YOUR PHARMACIST IS NUTS:
• Counts out pills, “One for you, two for me . . .”
• Claims he can’t read the doc’s writing so he’ll have to take a guess.
• Writes on the pill bottle, “Take a bunch a couple times a day.”
• Makes people with high blood pressure wait in line longer.
• Every day at 5 he yells “Happy Hour!”
• Wears a shirt that says “A Day Without Prozac is Like . . . Depressing Man”.
TODAY through next Thursday is “International Thank You Days”, a week to thank someone from your past who did something nice for you. (Your ex- for leaving, for instance.)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1998 [03] Rolling Stones’ concert postponed in Montreal as “Ice Storm of ‘98″ cuts power and ice pierces roof of Olympic Stadium
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1982 [19] CBC-TV’s “The National” moves to 10 pm from 11
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1911 [90] -61.1 C in Fort Vermilion AB, Alberta’s coldest recorded temp (the temp at which exposed flesh shatters)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Jan 21] 58th Annual Golden Globe Awards
[Jan 29] 21st Annual Genie Awards
National Reaching Your Potential Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BRAIN BUSTERS:
• I have a book where the foreword comes after the epilogue, the end is in the first half of the book, and the index comes before the introduction. What book is it?
[ANSWER: The dictionary. The word ‘foreword’ comes before ‘epilogue’, ‘end’ is in the first half of the dictionary, and ‘index’ comes before ‘introduction’.]
• There’s a railway track running through a tunnel in a mountain. The track is only wide enough for one train. One day at exactly 3 o’clock a train entered the tunnel. Another train entered from the opposite end at exactly 3 o’clock. Minutes later each train came out on the other side. Neither train was damaged in any way. How was this possible?
[ANSWER: One train entered the tunnel at 3 o’clock in the morning and the other at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.]
BS TAG LINE: Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
