Wednesday, January 26, 2000 Edition: #1729
Today is “Australia Day”, Oz’s big national holiday commemorating the 1788 landing of Captain Arthur Phillip at Sydney to establish a penal colony (um, does that mean they were all men?). So here’s a BS look at . . .
HOW AUSSIES ARE CELEBRATING:
• Unveiling of world’s largest beer can pyramid.
• Busload of Australian Rules footballers doing city-to city ‘mooning tour’.
• Prime Minister opens bottle of beer with his eye.
• Live national telecast of drunken koala set loose in convenience store.
• Cultural Minister shotguns 6-pack of Fosters while singing “Waltzing Matilda”.
• All schoolchildren given souvenir mugs of 3.2 beer.
• Bee Gees released naked in outback, hunted for sport.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Controversial Cape Breton fiddler Ashley MacIsaac has filed for bankruptcy, owing $750,000 in back income tax (after using every swear word in the English language to explain his predicament then peeing on reporters, he said he couldn’t understand why money wasn’t rolling in) . . . There’s word that Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will announce a series of Canadian dates for their current reunion tour . . . The former star of TV’s “Wings”, Tim Daly, has just signed on to play ‘Dr Richard Kimble’ in a new version of the TV series “The Fugitive” (now they’re looking for a co-star who’s willing to saw his arm off) . . . Liz Taylor’s had her hair dyed brunette again, which her flunkies say takes years off her appearance (she now looks 90) . . . Donald Trump ex- Marla Maples is in talks to host the new TV game show “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-millionaire?” (well, she’d certainly know all about it).
HOLEY HELMET:
A woman is suing Britain’s largest condom maker for £120 thousand after an alleged fault led to the birth of her daughter. (Lawyers think she’s got a watertight case – but then, she thought that before.)
BEWARE OF TURNIPS WITH A RIGHT ARM:
Delegates from 134 countries are meeting in Montreal to hammer out an agreement on guidelines for ‘GMOs’ (Genetically Modified Organisms), also known as ‘Frankenfood. That includes any plant or animal that’s been genetically manipulated to add characteristics they wouldn’t normally have. (Pam Anderson is the poster girl.)
KEEPING ABREAST OF THE TIMES:
• Britain’s first topless hairdressing salon has been forced to close by irate citizens in the village of New Bradwell. ‘Mipples’ (that’s with an ‘M’) salon offered haircuts from stylists with ‘a little off the top’. (People became angry when all the men in town came home bald.)
• Meantime, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil has officially made it legal for women to go topless on beaches there. (But you still have to put up with sand in your thong.)
NOW SHE CAN STAY OUT WITH THE BOYS:
A married couple in Hungary is receiving hormone treatments so they can BOTH have sex change surgery that will allow them to switch genders. (Then they’ll swap wardrobes.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.26.00
TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [75] Paul Newman, Cleveland OH, movie actor (Oscar-Color of Money)/auto racer/food mogul (Newman’s Own)
1942 [58] Scott Glenn, Pittsburgh PA, movie actor (Absolute Power, Courage Under Fire)
1955 [45] Eddie Van Halen, Nijmegen NETH, rock guitarist (Van Halen-Right Now, Jump)
1958 [42] Ellen Degeneres, New Orleans LA, comedian/actress (ex-Ellen Morgan-Ellen) NOTE: Hollywood is buzzing about the hot and steamy love scene between Ellen and Sharon Stone in HBO’s upcoming “If These Walls Could Talk 2”
1961 [39] Wayne Gretzky, Brantford ON, Hockey Hall of Famer/Hockey News ‘All Time Best NHL Player’/9-time NHL MVP/1999 All-Star Game MVP who’s now retired
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Calgary Saddledome] Canadian Figure Skating Championships begin
[India] Republic Day (declared itself a republic in 1950)
Today is “National Compliment Day”, a day to say at least one nice thing to those you meet. (“Well, you’re not as big as a barn . . . yet.”)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994 Burt Reynolds gives ex- Loni Anderson $2 million and a home in divorce settlement
1997 Green Bay Packers win Super Bowl XXXI 35-21 vs New England Patriots
1998 “Pieces Of You” album by Jewel certified for 8 million sales
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
3500BC [5500] Ancient Sumerians invent beer (about 2am, Sumerian women start looking way better)
1875 [125] 1st ‘electric dental drill’ (get out the SFX)
1949 [51] 1st ‘tape recorder’ developed (the next day Linda Tripp rushes out to buy one)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] United Alternative 2000 Convention begins
[Sun] Genie Awards (Canada’s film awards)
[Feb 6] 50th NHL All-Star Game (Toronto)
Solo-Preneuring Week
Bald Eagle Watch Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
• 1 in 4 Canadians would like to hold an American passport. (T, according to a recent “Maclean’s” poll.)
• Only 1 in a hundred people actually sleep on-the-job. (BS. New research by Cornell University psychologist Dr James Maas, the guy who coined the term ‘power nap’, finds that 38% of us now take naps at work — but most do it in secret.)
• Saddam Hussein has ordered a recall of 43,000 ‘Saddam Dolls’ because he doesn’t like how they look. (T. Guess they were too pretty.)
• ‘Spontaneous human combustion’ is mostly likely to happen after ingesting sauerkraut. (Absolute BS. Studies show it most often occurs during a period of strong magnetic disturbance.)
• Over 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment each year. (T. Usually while carrying it out for a garage sale.)
THE LAST WORD:
An optimist is someone who starts a crossword puzzle with a pen.
