Tuesday, January 25, 2000 Edition: #1728
A company called “Manhood Greeting Cards” makes cards with simple, concise messages because, they say, ‘men don’t do paragraphs’. So here’s some . . .
BS “MANLY” CARD GREETINGS:
• “You’re getting married. Sorry.”
• “Congrats on the new baby. It wasn’t me.”
• “Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don’t fret about her, she’s movin’ in with me.”
• “It’s your birthday . . . so?”
• “I heard you had herpes and I feel terrible. I’d say get well soon but I know it’s incurable.”
• “Happy vasectomy, I hope you feel zippy, ‘Cause when I got mine it was painfully snippy.”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Hey! How come the Golden Globe-winner for ‘Best TV Drama’, “The Sopranos”, is only available on the Canadian pay channel TMN? . . . If it returns next TV season “Party of Five” will be a party of four as Canadian actress Neve Campbell has let it be known she won’t return (she’s too busy working on “Scream 47”) . . . Lisa Kudrow denies she’s leaving “Friends”, but admits this may be the show’s final season (it’s time) . . . Meantime, word is her “Friends” co-star Matt LeBlanc now has his head sprayed-painted so we won’t see he’s going bald (it’s REALLY time) . . . When AOL Time Warner swallows up UK-based EMI Records, there will only be FOUR major-label record companies left worldwide.
TODAY’S NEW VIDEO RELEASES:
The much-ballyhooed re-teaming of stars Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in “Runaway Bride”, about a reporter assigned to write a story about a woman who’s left a string of fiances at the altar (nowhere near the hit “Pretty Woman” was) . . . “My Life So Far”, a drama about the lives of a family growing up on a post-WWI British estate headed by strong disciplinarian Rosemary Harris and her daughter Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (Zzzz).
TOP VIDEO RENTALS:
1. “Entrapment”
2. “The General’s Daughter”
3. “American Pie”
VOICE-MAIL BACKLASH:
Maine has clamped down on menu-driven voice mail used by state agencies. The new law makes it mandatory that callers be given clear notification an actual live human will answer the telephone when they punch ‘O’ for operator. It also limits the number of voice mail choices to 4, and outlaws those infuriating ‘nested’ menu options where you’re forwarded to yet another menu and another slew of options. (Hear hear! We need this here!)
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• Germany has just given its workers the right to work within 6 meters (about 20 ft) of natural daylight because numerous studies show it enhances on-the-job performance. (I guess they’ll be spending billions putting in skylights for miners.)
• A new British study in the medical journal “The Lancet” says the most dangerous stalkers often are former lovers with no history of mental illness who can’t accept that their partners have left them. (Beware the devil you know .)
• Have you noticed? North American butts are getting bigger! In fact, airlines and are now installing seats that are an average 2 ins wider!
THE BULL SHEET 01.25.00
TODAY’S CELEB (WELL SORT OF) BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [69] Dean Jones, Morgan City AL, movie actor (Clear & Present Danger, Beethoven, Love Bug)
1944 [56] Leigh Taylor-Young, Washington DC, film actress (Addams Family Reunion, Jagged Edge)
1962 [38] Chris Chelios, Chicago IL, NHL defenceman (Detroit Red Wings)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “Robbie Burns Day”, party time for Scots everywhere. It honors Scotland’s national poet who was born January 25, 1759 and whose most famous composition was “Auld Lang Syne”. A traditional “Burns Supper” includes cock-a-leekie soup (fowl, leeks & herbs), haggis (minced sheep’s heart, lungs & liver mixed with oatmeal), neeps and tatties (mashed turnip & potatoes). (Heave!)
Today is “Opposite Day”, a day to do everything backwards (ie: eat left-handed) as a fun way to relieve the winter doldrums.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1995 Students across Canada demonstrate against higher university tuition fees
1998 ‘Posh Spice’ Victoria Adams and Manchester United soccer star David Beckham get engaged
1999 Rolling Stones “No Security Tour” kicks off in Oakland CA
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1924 [76] 1st ‘Winter Olympic Games’, in Chamonix FRA (after IOC officials are bribed with bathtub gin and horseless carriages)
1949 [51] 1st ‘Emmy Awards’ honoring TV’s best
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Canadian Figure Skating Championships begin (Calgary)
[Thurs] United Alternative 2000 Convention begins
[Thurs] Punch the Clock Day
[Thurs] Thomas Crapper Day
National Creative Frugality Week
National Scottish Culture Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
HIM & HER AT WORK:
• The family picture is on HIS desk. (“Ah, a solid, responsible family man.”) The family picture is on HER desk. (“Um, her family will come before her career.”)
• HIS desk is cluttered. (“He’s obviously a hard worker and a busy man.”) HER desk is cluttered. (“She’s obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.”)
• HE is talking with co-workers. (“He must be discussing the latest deal.”) SHE is talking with co-workers. (“She must be gossiping.”)
• HE’S not in the office. (“He’s meeting a customer.”) SHE’S not in the office. (“She must be out shopping.”)
• HE’S having lunch with the boss. (“He’s on his way up.”) SHE’S having lunch with the boss. (“They must be having an affair.”)
• HE’S getting married. (“He’ll get more settled.”) SHE’S getting married. (“She’ll get pregnant and leave.”).
THE LAST WORD: 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
