Monday, January 24, 2000 Edition: #1727
BEST BS THINGS ABOUT BEING MALE:
• When clicking through TV channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
• You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
• You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
• You don’t have to shave below your neck.
• If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.
• People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
• All your orgasms are real.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online Daily” confirms that former NBA bad-boy Dennis Rodman will play a ‘brilliant strategist’ with a ‘bullet in his brain’ on the new syndicated TV series “The Consultants”. (‘Brilliant’ is a little hard to swallow, but ‘bullet in the brain’ we can believe.)
• “People Daily” says Burger King will sponsor the Backstreet Boys’ fall tour. A tie-in promotion will offer exclusive CDs and videos only available at the fast-food chain. (Teen girls will be lining up for the ‘nice buns’.)
• In “Globe”, new Jenny Craig spokeswoman Monica Lewinsky says of her Weight Watchers” competitor – “The only thing bigger than Fergie’s sense of self-importance is her BUTT!” (Meow.)
• In “National Enquirer”, 28-year-old former cocaine addict Tara Palmer denies UK tabloid reports that she did the nasty with heir-to-the-throne Prince William on his 17th birthday. (Apparently it was the day before.)
• “Star” claims Sarah Michelle Gellar is dating former “Buffy” cast-mate David Boreanaz, who’s STILL MARRIED to another woman. (“Buffy the Marriage Slayer”)
ALL MY STORIES, ALL THE TIME:
Today the folks at Disney and ABC Cable Networks launch the new soap opera channel “SoapNet”. Yup, wall-to-wall soaps, 24-7. As well as vintage daytime dramas, it will feature same-day primetime reruns of top soaps like “All My Children” and “General Hospital”.
THIS COULD KILL THE PUNCHLINE TO ALL THOSE AIRLINE JOKES:
“The Wall Street Journal” reports that Air France has hired renowned French chef Alain Ducasse to make its Concorde jet the equivalent of a 3-star restaurant. The airline has reportedly given him a budget of $90 per passenger, compared with the less than 4 bucks other carriers spend. (Air France will also ante up for extra air sickness bags whenever Chef Alain puts snails on the menu.)
WEIRD SCIENCE:
• New research is underway to determine whether a ‘marijuana patch’ will help ease the suffering of cancer patients. (The patch would be located slightly down the arm from the accompanying Grateful Dead patch and slightly to the left of the ‘nicotine patch’.)
• An ‘oven of the future’ unveiled at Chicago’s Housewares Show uses the Web to download meal preparation instructions. (You connects to MarthaStewart.com and get a list of ingredients requiring a trip to France for ‘fresh truffles’.)
• UK-based Premier Christian Radio has launched a ‘cyber-confessional’, an Internet site where sinners can unburden their souls by typing transgressions into a space provided and thereby make peace with the almighty. (To generate business, they’ll run banner ads on 7 billion of the top porn sites.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.24.00
TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1917 [83] Ernest Borgnine, Hamden CT, TV/movie actor (The Single Guy, McHale’s Navy)
1941 [59] Neil Diamond, Coney Island NY, classic pop singer (Sweet Caroline)
1941 [59] Aaron Neville, New Orleans LA, classic pop singer (Tell It Like It Is)
1963 [37] Keech Rainwater, TX, country musician (Lonestar-Say When, Tequila Talkin’)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
The Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young “Reunion Tour” kicks off tonight in suburban Detroit.
This is “Direct Deposit Week”, which either has to do with having your pay directly deposited into your bank account or making babies the ‘old fashioned’ way.
ON THIS DAY A YEAR AGO . . .
1999 Box office champ for a second straight week is “Varsity Blues”
1999 Golfer David Duval matches best score in PGA history — a 59 — to win Bob Hope Classic
1999 Six members of International Olympic Committee recommended for explusion in response to biggest corruption scandal in history of the games
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1908 [92] 1st ‘Boy Scout’ troop organized by Sir Robert Baden-Powell in UK
1922 [78] 1st ‘Eskimo Pie’ (Christian Nelson-Onawa IA)
1935 [65] 1st beer in cans (thereby making the ‘church key’ outmoded)
1984 [16] Apple Computer markets 1st ‘Macintosh’ PC
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Robbie Burns Day
[Tues] Opposite Day
[Thurs] Thomas Crapper Day
[Fri] National Kazoo Day
National Creative Frugality Week
National Eye Care Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE FOR DUMMIES: The radio version for people who can’t even get past the qualifying question on TV’s #1 show.
• Rank the following gaffes in order of the embarrassment they would cause –
a) Forgetting your spouse’s birthday b) Forgetting your twin brother’s birthday c) Letting one rip at your grandmother’s funeral
• Rank the following in order of reliability –
a) The local TV weather forecast b) A kids’ toy from the ‘99 cent store’ c) Microsoft Windows (oh sorry . . . personal grudge)
• Put the following things in order of intelligence from lowest to highest —
a) a stump b) a weasel c) Senator Jesse Helms
• Rank the following events in order of the likelihood of them actually happening –
a) Mick Jagger being knighted b) ‘President’ Donald Trump c) A snowball surviving in Hell
• Are these questions STILL too hard? OK, put the following numbers in order from lowest to highest —
a) 3 b) 2 c) 1 (Final answer?)
THE LAST WORD:
The 11th commandment — Thou shalt not be a smartass!
