Monday, January 3, 2000 Edition: #1712
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “National Enquirer” says actor/filmmaker Ben Stiller pays $90 an hour to get his chest and back waxed at an upscale Hollywood salon. And Leonardo DeCaprio reportedly has his eyebrows plucked every 3 weeks.
• “Star” reports that Madonna and her ex-, Sean Penn, have been warming up to each other again on the phone, discussing subjects like child-rearing, hair color and how to quit smoking. (So he’ll have both hands free to smack photographers around.)
• “Star” reveals that soon-to-tour 60-year-old Tina Turner has insured her body for $7.5 million, including $750,00 for her breasts.
• According to “Enquirer”, Backstreet Boys’ Nick Carter has dumped girlfriend Mandy Williford because she was so jealous of other women that she followed him into bathrooms.
• Britain’s “Sun” tabloid quotes pop star Robbie Williams as confessing to ‘an intense sexual appetite’ and admitting to threesomes with strippers. But it seems he just can’t decide which Spice Girl he’d like to sleep with.
• “Star” says Janet Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley are going on vacation together — to a fat farm!
• According to the “Enquirer”, Matthew Perry’s live-in girlfriend, Rene Ashton, has left him after finding a size double-D black lace bra between their sheets.
‘Q’ WOULD HAVE BEEN PROUD:
Pope John Paul II has a new ‘Popemobile’ – a custom-made, armor plated, metallic black Fiat Lancia with options like a folding desk and an audio system to address crowds. The Italian automaker is calling the car the Lancia Giubileo (Jubilee) for the Vatican’s Holy Year in 2000. Cost? About 1.5 mill! (Unconfirmed reports say it’s equipped with holy water canons.)
I WANT A FIRE TRUCK:
In a new survey respondents were asked to select the luxury they’d most like in 2000. The results . . .
• Butler or maid (20%)
• Getting as much sleep as you want (18%)
• Personal trainer (13%)
• Limousine and chauffeur (11%)
• Full-time cook (7%)
• Cosmetic surgery (3%)
(Interesting to note that a billion bucks or unlimited sex aren’t even mentioned.)
THE FRIENDLY BAWDY HOUSE:
This month a new brothel in Kalgoorlie, Australia promises to usher in a new era of ‘caring and sharing prostitution’ in response to consumer demand. As well as the ‘usual services’, Langtrees Sex Mansion will offer a swimming pool, beauty parlor, souvenir boutique, ‘straight’ massage, and sex-free pampering. In fact, men are being encouraged to bring their wives along! (In related weather news, a cold front is approaching Hell.)
E-COMMERCE UPDATE:
New stats compiled by the Boston Consulting Group show we spent more than $10 billion shopping online during the holiday selling season. That’s more than 3 times the amount spent during the same period last year.
GREAT WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT:
A new study conducted by researchers at Ohio State University finds that the average teenager now gets an allowance of – $50 a week!
THE BULL SHEET 01.03.00
TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1909 [91] Victor Borge (Borge Rosenbaum), Copenhagen DEN, comedic pianist
1926 [74] Sir George Martin, ENG, record producer (The Beatles)
1932 [68] Dabney Coleman, Austin TX, movie actor (Stuart Little, You’ve Got Mail)
1939 [61] Bobby Hull, Point Anne ON, NHL legend (Chicago Blackhawks 1957-72)/Brett’s pop
1945 [55] Stephen Stills, Dallas TX, rock singer (CSN&Y-Woodstock)/double Hall of Fame member for CSN&Y, Buffalo Springfield)
1956 [44] Mel Gibson, Peekskill NY, movie actor (Lethal Weapon 4, Conspiracy Theory, Payback)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
This week Inuvik, North West Territories is holding the 11th annual “Sunrise Festival”, celebrating the reappearance of the sun after 6 weeks of total darkness.
PHONER: 867-777-2607
“National Prune Breakfast Month” runs throughout January. Add some to your diet and you will too!
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1871 [129] Henry Bradley of Binghamton NY patents ‘margarine’ (“I can’t believe it’s not lard”)
1888 [112] 1st ‘drinking straws’ patented, which were actually hand-rolled until 1905
1977 [23] Apple Computer is incorporated
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Grammy Award nominations announced
[Thurs] Bean Day
[Sat] Man Watcher’s Day
National Lose Weight/Feel Greet Week
New Year’s Resolutions Week
National Hot Tea Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTERS:
• “When should you take down the Christmas decorations?”
• “What’s the weirdest millennium souvenir you have?”
TRUTH OR BS:
• Sting, Tom Jones and Chuck Berry share the same shame. (T. Poor ticket sales canceled their New Year’s Eve gigs. Other well-known acts forced to cancel millennium shows due to high prices and low interest include Jewel, Los Lobos, Luis Miguel, Andrea Bocelli and Enrique Iglesias.)
• Russia is attempting to raise funds by issuing XXX-rated stamps. (Total BS – until Larry Flynt stages a coup.)
• Budweiser has created a couch that doubles as a beer cooler. (T. It’s featured in the new “Official Budweiser Merchandise Catalogue” and includes a beer cooler beneath a vinyl sofa that seats from 3 to 10 thirsty fans.)
THE LAST WORD:
Half the people you know are below average.
