Monday, July 21, 2003 Edition: #2583
It’s Another Sheet Load!
TRASHY YET TITILLATING TABLOID BS:
• “Weekly World News” has the scoop on these ‘Breaking Stories’: “Message from God – Find Out the One Sin That Really Drives Him Nuts!”, “President Bush’s Shocking Plan to Invade the Moon!”, “Fat Eating Worms Suck the Blubber Right Out of You!”, and – who knew? – “Osama’s Embarrassing Secret … He’s a Bed Wetter!”
• “Daily Star” reports Julia Roberts has collapsed with chest pain while vacationing at Giorgio Armani’s summer home on the tiny Italian island of Pantelleria. Her husband Danny Moder was reportedly convinced Julia was having a heart attack, but a local cynic blames the attack on too much sun, wine & spicy food. Julia has reportedly recovered but intends to get a full check-up when she returns home. (Unconfirmed reports say the attack occurred when it dawned on her that she’d actually survived a relationship for more than a year.)
• Sharon Osbourne tells “US Weekly” that coyotes jumped the fence surrounding the Osbourne mansion and snatched the family’s coot widdle Chihuahua named ‘Lulu’. (As they ran off, one coyote was heard laughing maniacally, the other shouting, “Screw Taco Bell, yo quero Chihuahua! Hahahahaha!”)
• According to “National Enquirer”, 40-year-old Demi Moore is now writing a tell-all book about her love life (apparently it’s a children’s book). Meantime, “Daily Dish” says Demi’s just bought an extravagant $3.5 million house made almost entirely of glass. Oh by the way … it’s also within jogging distance of boy-toy Ashton Kutcher’s bachelor pad.
• “Mirror” reports that Coldplay singer Chris Martin has told fans in Sydney he has stopped performing the song “Green Eyes” because it was written about a previous lover to current girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow. (Oh gag.)
• “Hollywood Reporter” says 77-year-old “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner has teamed up with “Spider-Man” creator Stan Lee to develop the new adult TV cartoon, “Hef’s Superbunnies”, in which Hef will lead an elite crime-fighting team made up of various ‘Playmates of the Month’. Meantime, “Variety” reports that Courtney Love will be featured as the heroine of the new Japanese-drawn comic, “Princess AI”, that follows the adventures of a ‘troubled performer who used to be a princess’. (Wait a sec, make that ‘coyote ugly troubled performer who used to be a princess’.)
• “E! Online” reports that 50 Cent is about to join the hip-hop designer club, launching a line of menswear, womenswear & accessories. As a promotional gimmick, all items will be priced at 50 cents … only with varying amounts of dollars before the decimal. For instance, a lousy T-shirt will set you back $29 … and 50 cents.
• UK’s “Express” tabloid says nice guy Mel Gibson has proven himself a real-life hero by saving the life of a woman who was choking on a piece of fish in a restaurant. Gibson deftly performed the Heimlich manoeuver, dislodging the sushi in her throat. Not satisfied with simply saving the woman’s life, he also reportedly paid her $200 tab … that’s just the kind of guy he is.
• “Star” magazine reports Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck have settled on a prenuptial agreement and will wed in early SEPTEMBER. The tab claims Ben’s brother Casey will be best man and Matt Damon the groomsman. Jen’s sisters Leslie and Lynda will be matron- and maid-of-honor. But J-Lo’s rep downplays the report saying, “If every date that was rumored for them to get married was true, they would have been married 6 times by now.” (Oh, so it’s true then.)
WHERE THE HOTTEST WOMEN ARE:
According to a new Harlequin Romance poll, here’s where American men think they’d find the best looking babes –
• The South (30%)
• East Coast (23%)
• Midwest (19%)
• West Coast (14%)
• Rocky Mountains (6%)
ALL-TIME AX ALBUM:
“Mojo” magazine has just declared Jimi Hendrix’s 36-year-old album “Are You Experienced?” the ‘Greatest Guitar Album of All Time’. A panel of music experts picked The Who’s “My
Generation” from 1965 as runner-up, followed by a self-titled 1962 compilation by bluesman Howlin’ Wolf. The Beatles and Rolling Stones failed to make the top 10. (Or apparently anyone still living who’s under the age of 60.)
STINKY MOODS:
Powerful odors can irk more than your nose, they can ruin your mood. A study at Duke University Medical Center finds that people frequently exposed to unpleasant smells tend to be more tense, angry and depressed than average. The odors trigger reactions in the brain’s limbic system, which controls mood, productivity and immunity. (That’s it, thanks to [co-host] tomorrow we’re doing this show outdoors!)
SHE NEEDS TO MEET MEAT.COM:
Norfolk, Virginia’s Karin Robertson has decided to up her carrot power by legally changing her name to ‘GoVeg.com’. As PETA’s youth projects specialist, GoVeg regularly speaks to high school and college audiences, encouraging them to become vegetarians. She says the new name creates more buzz with young people (who gather around after she leaves to mock her and laugh).
NET: http://GoVeg.com
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Monday and Tuesday are both nearly TWICE as safe for driving as Saturday.
• Scientists estimate the average lifespan of a caveman was just 18 years. (Apparently Mike Tyson is defying the laws of nature.)
THE BULL SHEET 07.21.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [77] Norman Jewison, Toronto ON, filmmaker (“The Hurricane”, “In the Heat of the Night”)/1999 Irving G Thalberg Memorial Award at the Oscars/established the Canadian Centre for Advanced Film Studies in Toronto in 1986
1948 [55] Yusuf Islam (born Stephen Georgiou, formerly known as Cat Stevens), London UK, oldies singer (“Wild World”, “Moon Shadow”) who recently re-recorded his ’70s hit “Peace Train” for the collective album “Hope”, in support of peace in Iraq
1948 [55] Garry Trudeau, NYC, political cartoonist (“Doonesbury”)/Mr Jane Pauley since 1980 FACTOID: Distantly related to former Canadian PM Pierre Trudeau through a common relative exiled from France centuries ago.
1952 [51] Robin Williams, Chicago IL, comedian/movie actor (“One Hour Photo”, “Flubber”, Oscar-“Good Will Hunting”)/2003 ‘Best Spoken Comedy Album’ Grammy Award for “Robin Williams – Live 2002”
1957 [46] Jon Lovitz, Tarzana CA, movie actor (“Rat Race”, “A League of Their Own”, “City Slickers”)/former TV comic (“Saturday Night Live” 1985-90)
1972 [31] Paul Brandt (Belobersycky), Calgary AB, country singer (“That’s the Truth”, “It’s a Beautiful Thing”, “I Do”)
1978 [25] Josh Hartnett, San Francisco CA, movie actor (“Hollywood Homicide”, “Black Hawk Down”, “Pearl Harbor”) UP NEXT: Plays a young New Yorker who puts his life on hold to trail a beautiful woman he spots in a café in the romantic thriller “Obsessed”, coming in 2004.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Junk Food Day”. If your health wasn’t a factor, which junk food would you mow down on every chance you got – burgers, pizza, hot dogs, tacos, fries, chocolate?
TODAY is “National Get Out of the Doghouse Day”, a day for us to grant personal pardon to those we’ve put in a little hot water.
TODAY the Dixie Chicks are participating in a “Rock the Vote” press conference in Los Angeles to encourage young people, especially young women, to register and vote.
TODAY through Wednesday is the 40th annual “Santa Claus Convention” in Denmark. It may seem a tad strange to invite assorted ‘Father Christmases’, ‘St Nicks’, ‘Pére-Noels’ and ‘Santas’ to Copenhagen’s Bakken Funfair amusement park in the middle of summer, but then when else would they have time to get together and talk shop with colleagues? The event was started in 1963 as a local novelty but has since gone global. This year 120 Santas from 5 continents are expected, many of them declared the ‘official’ Santa Claus of their country. Among the topics to be tackled by the portly pack – Christmas Eve labor conditions, reindeer food & maintenance, and standard gift sizes.
WEDNESDAY-Sunday the annual “Collingwood Elvis Festival” in Collingwood ON includes look-alike and singing contests, street dances, the ‘World’s Largest Elvis Parade’, plus swap sessions. More than 60,000 fans are expected, many of them dressed like the King (one might even BE the King!). New for 2003 … Elvis Festival weddings!
PHONER: 866-444-1162/705-444-1162 (Festival Office)
NET: http://www.collingwoodelvisfestival.com
THIS MONTH is “National Hot Dog Month”. Hot dogs used to be eaten bunless, with the seller lending the eater protective gloves to wear. Then, an enterprising vendor named Anton Feuchtwanger developed the 1st ‘hot dog bun’. (He changed the name to ‘hot dog’ because he had trouble selling ‘Foot-long Feuchtwangers’.)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1990 [13] 250,000 attend “The Wall” benefit concert organized by Pink Floyd founder Roger Waters in East Berlin where the Berlin Wall once stood (performers include The Band, Scorpions, Joni Mitchell, Bryan Adams & Van Morrison)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1984 [19] 1st documented case of a robot killing a human (Jackson MI)
1991 [12] 1st Canadian inducted into ‘Baseball Hall of Fame’ (Cubs pitcher Ferguson Jenkins)
1998 [05] 1st male in competitive synchronized swimming (USA’s Bill May at “Goodwill Games”)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1978 [25] World’s ‘strongest dog’, 80-kg (176-lb) St Bernard, pulls 2,909 kg (6,413 lb) load 27 meters (88 ft)
1983 [20] ‘Lowest recorded minimum air temperature’ is -89 C (-129 F) at Vostok, Antarctica
1992 [11] Armenian strongman pulls 2 railroad cars 7 meters (23 ft) – with his teeth
1996 [07] ‘Group spaghetti-eating record’ as 3,000 residents of Alkbissola Marina, Italy consume 300 kg (662 lbs) of pasta cooked in 1 pot & topped with 200 kg (440 lbs) of tomato sauce
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Rat Catcher’s Day
[Wed] Hot Enough For Ya? Day
[Thurs] Virtual Love Day
[Sat] Aunt & Uncle Day
[Sat] Mick Jagger turns 60
[Sun] 2003 Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony
This Week Is . . . Oil Heritage Week (visit a polluted beach near you)
This Month Is . . . Disaster Awareness Month (which reminds me, thanks for listening this morning)
BULL’S BITS . . .
YOUR BS ‘DARK SIDE’ ASTROLOGY SIGN:
• CENTAUR (Jan 8-Feb 12) – The Centaur is part human and part horse. Those born under this sign are dominated by their animal side. That means it’s sometimes extremely difficult for you to keep primitive emotions such as rage, sexual desire, jealousy & fear under control.
• HARPY (Feb 13-Mar 18) – This winged female creature of mythology with its lethal claws was a dreaded symbol of vengeance. To put it mildly, forgiveness does not come easily to you. You tend to nurse a grudge for years.
• PEGASUS (Mar 19-Apr 24) – Like the flying horse of legend, you soar above common men and women, at least in your own mind. Those born under the sign of Pegasus are proud to a fault. Privately, you have a deep-seated felling that you deserve a better lifestyle and hate doing lowly jobs or ‘dirty work’ such as house cleaning.
• CERBERUS (Apr 25-May 30) – The snarling 3-headed dog that guards the entrance to Hades in ancient mythology is a fitting symbol for this sign. You have a wicked temper and have been known to ‘chew the head off’ people who make you mad.
• SATYR (May 31-July 3) – Sex, sex and more sex is what drives you and you know it! Male Satyrs can be shameless womanizers whose skirt-chasing ways leave a trail of broken hearts and wrecked marriages. Females, also known as fauns, tend to be home wreckers.
• SIREN (July 4-Aug 10) – In ancient mythology, sea nymphs known as Sirens used their sweet singing voices to lure luckless sailors onto the rocks. You too use your charm to get what you want, regardless of the consequences to others. Female Sirens often tend to be ‘dumb blonde’ types who pretend to be helpless in order to manipulate men. Male Sirens sometimes fake a similar quality of ‘boyish’ innocence.
• GRIFFIN (Aug 11-Sept 15) – The Griffin is part lion, part eagle and is a war symbol. Members of this sign are often guilty of fanaticism. There are likely some beliefs you hold so strongly that deep down you feel that people who disagree with you are bad and should somehow be punished.
• CHIMERA (Sept 16-Oct 22) – The chimera is a mythical beast of many faces, usually depicted as part goat, part lion and part snake. Like the Chimera you can be a real phony, presenting whatever face fits the situation. You may sometimes even find your accent changing depending on who you are talking to.
• SPHINX (Oct 23-Nov 30) – Cold, calculating and cunning, the Sphinx is always slyly trying to
outmaneuver and outsmart others. Whenever you are able to use your cleverness to save money you are especially delighted because a strong fixation on material things is a typical Sphinx trait.
• MINOTAUR (Dec 1-Jan 7) – Like Centaurs, bull-headed Minotaurs are dominated by their bestial side, but they are not as independent. You tend to be a follower who plods along as part of the herd. Truly thinking for yourself instead of relying on what others have told you takes considerable effort.
BS TRIVIA:
Q: What’s the difference between a ‘hamlet’ and a ‘village’?
A: A hamlet is a village without a church.
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Should TV ads for ‘personal products’ be banned during dinner hour and family viewing time?” (Vietnam’s Ministry of Culture & Information has just yanked all ads for personal hygiene, condoms, sanitary pads, etc from 6-8pm.)
BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
It only happens once in a minute, and twice in a millennium, but never in a 1000 years. [It’s the letter ‘m’.]
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• A garage sale is an opportunity to get rid of things you don’t want anymore. So is an election.
• It was so hot on the weekend, Michael Jackson’s nose got sunburned … and it was in his pocket at the time.
• In Russia, 2 nudists have been struck by lightning. On the bright side, they got a good tan.
• CMT is under fire right now because of a recent video that shows nudity. Actually people aren’t upset by the nudity, they’re upset because the artist is Willie Nelson.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The hardest part of the human body is THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Tooth enamel.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome to new BS subscriber Sharon Wilson @ KNFX Bryan TX and this week’s samplers that include Jim Dillard @ WGSY Columbus GA, Kelsey Johnson @ KXJM Portland OR, Rod Kitter @ CJWW Saskatoon SK, Karla Kaufman @ KKRF Stuart IA, and Cagil @ KPTL Ankara, Turkey.
