Tuesday, July 30, 2002             Edition: #2345
Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s “BS”!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY’S the official release of “The Rising”, Bruce Springsteen’s first all-new studio album with the E Street Band in 18 years (no wonder — it sounds like the same old stuff from 2 decades ago) . . . “Teletubbies” creator Anne Wood has reportedly decided not to produce any more episodes of her hit children’s TV show (gay-basher Rev Jerry Falwell will be thrilled!) . . . Picture this – “The Addams Family” may be turned into a stage musical, but based on the original “New Yorker” magazine cartoons by Charles Addams NOT the TV shows or movies . . . Beyoncé Knowles says she helped rescue a fan from the brink of suicide by phoning right after receiving a ‘tragic letter’ (wow, was it from ‘Stan’?) . . . Michael Jackson’s former business manager Myung Ho Lee claims his former boss is a whopping $200 million in debt — no wonder he’s had to sue for back-pay . . . Looks like British PM Tony Blair will make an upcoming appearance on “The West Wing” — via doctored news footage — showing him arriving to meet ‘President Bartlet’ . . . Angelina Jolie has reportedly demanded that estranged hubby Billy Bob Thornton return the 5 vials of her blood that she gave him because she’s worried he’ll put a curse on her (what a shame they broke up — these two weirdos really do belong together) . . . And because you need to know – Usher is now so loaded he never wears the same underwear twice — we quote: “Once I’ve worn ’em, I throw ’em away!” (hmmmm, too much information?).

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
In the action thriller “Collateral Damage”, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a firefighter who goes in search of the terrorist responsible for killing his family and ends up kicking some major butt in Colombia (bigscreen release was long postponed due to 9/11) . . . Kevin Costner plays a grieving doctor who is contacted by his late wife through his patients’ near-death experiences in the thriller “Dragonfly” (which lasted about 4 minutes in theaters) . . . Milla Jovovich stars in the horror thriller “Resident Evil”, about a special military unit that fights an out-of-control supercomputer and hundreds of scientists who have mutated into flesh-eating creatures after a lab accident.

MIRROR TIME:
A recent survey finds women are spending 15 minutes less in the bathroom each week, while men are spending 10 minutes more. (The trend is NOT attributed to any change in who cleans the bathroom. Could it be increased male vanity?)

THE KEY TO THE BASEMENT:
A study in the “Academy of Management Journal” finds that the MLB baseball teams that perennially rank worst in the standings are those with the largest pay gap between their top stars and the rest of the team. (Let’s see — Carlos Delgado $19.4 million, rest of Toronto Blue Jays a dollar ninety-eight.)

AS OLD AS YOU FEEL:
People who have a more positive attitude about getting older live an average 7.6 years longer than those with negative views, according to new research in the AUGUST issue of the “Journal of Personality & Social Psychology”. In fact, researchers say, how you feel about getting old is more important even than having low blood pressure or cholesterol.

CANADA CUP:
According to a nationwide survey, 57% of women wear a ‘B’ cup. (Now how did they conduct this poll? “Hello ma’am. We’re conducting a survey. How big are your boobs?” Click, dial tone….)

MEET THE PARENTS:
A marriage survey finds that only 4% of new husbands asked the bride’s parents’ approval for their daughter’s hand. (The other 96% still get ‘the look’ every time they visit the in-laws.)

FOR THE RECORD:
A Utah sleeping bag manufacturer is hoping the “Guinness Book of World Records” will certify that it has created the ‘world’s largest sleeping bag’. It measures 55-ft long and 24-ft wide, about 10 times larger than a regular sleeping bag. Not great for backpacking though — it weighs over 175 lbs. (Wonder what the record is for most people in a sleeping bag?)

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A baby girl in Oslo, Norway has proven her resilience by being born to a mother who had a bungled abortion and a father who had a failed sterilization. (Plus 3 condoms, 2 morning-after pills and the rhythm method!)
• 71-year-old Gloria Wicker of Clovis NM has been rushed to hospital suffering from chest pains after receiving a letter from her bank informing her that her assets were frozen because – she died a month previously! The health crisis became increasingly worse as she spent hours trying to negotiate an automated phone system in an attempt to prove she was alive.
• Visitors to Sarah Daniels’ new ‘Dislocating Depths’ art exhibit in Hull, England can only see it – by swimming underwater. The artist took the photos underwater and decided to exhibit them  against the tiled walls of a pool to “show the vivid blue colors and the changes in refraction and deflection of light as it shimmers through the water”. (Art aficionados say the exhibit leaves you breathless.)
• Entrepreneur Neil Waters is planning to open Australia’s first ‘camel dairy’ near Alice Springs later THIS YEAR. Camel milk apparently has similar nutritional quality to goats’ milk (and such a yummy flavor!). The biggest problem with the project, according to Waters, is that camels “generally don’t like you playing with their teats”. (Gosh, thanks for sharing.)

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• According to a recent study, 6-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.
• “Physician and Sportsmedicine” magazine claims that yelling ‘boo’ at someone with the hiccups will NOT make them stop, but briefly holding ice cubes to both sides of the neck will!
• People who fidget are usually thinner. They burn up to 700 more calories per day!

TOP 10 WEBSITES:
Measured by unique visits at home or work —
1. AOL
2. MSN/Microsoft
3. Yahoo!
4. Terra Lycos
5. About/Primedia
6. Google
7. Amazon
8. eBay
9. CNET
10. InfoSpace Network
Source: new stats from Media Metrix
(A sure sign your Website sucks – it’s best viewed using Bifocals 3.5 or higher.)

THE BULL SHEET 07.30.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [68] (Allen H) Bud Selig, Milwaukee WI, 9th Commissioner of Major League Baseball [since 1998], MLB Acting Commissioner 1992-98/former president & CEO of Milwaukee Brewers/member of Green Bay Packers Board of Directors

1947 [55] Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thal AUT, movie actor (“Collateral Damage”, “Batman & Robin”)/Mr Maria Shriver/first private citizen to own a Humvee/future California governor?  UP NEXT: ‘He’ll be back’ in the sequels “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines” (for $30 million) and “True Lies 2″, both due in 2003
LESSER KNOWN SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE LINES:
(Do your best Arnold impression.)
• “My, what a lovely lace doily!”
• “Can you please open this jar of pickles for me?”
• “Who else loves show tunes?”
• “Man-oh-man, do I love fudge!”
• “Do you have any of those ‘ouch-less’ Band-Aids?”
• “Give me back my ballet slippers, you bastard!”
• “That’s checkmate, baby.”
• “Oww! A paper cut!”

1961 [41] Laurence Fishburne, Augusta GA, film actor (Morpheus in “The Matrix” trilogy, “What’s Love Got to Do With It”)

1963 [39] Lisa Kudrow, Encino CA, $1 million-per-episode TV actress (Phoebe Buffay-“Friends” since 1994)  NOTE: First played ‘Ursula Buffay’ on sitcom “Mad About You” (1993-95) then her twin sister ‘Phoebe’ on “Friends” and once played both characters at once in a 1994 episode of “Friends”

1964 [38] Vivica A Fox, Indianapolis IN, movie actress (“Juwanna Mann”, “Soul Food”, “Independence Day”)  NEXT MOVIE: The Quentin Tarantino crime thriller “Kill Bill”, coming NEXT YEAR

1964 [38] Dwayne O’Brien, country singer (Little Texas-“Kick a Little”, “What Might Have Been”, “My Love”)

1971 [31] Tom Green, Pembroke ON, comedian/bad movie actor (actually showed up at the 2002 Razzies to accept his worst movie awards for “Freddy Got Fingered”, “Road Trip”)/TV comic who started his outlandish “Tom Green Show” on Ottawa cable channel Rogers 22 in 1994, moved to the Comedy Network in 1998, and to MTV in 1999/ex-Mr Drew Barrymore NEXT MOVIE: Co-stars with Jason Lee in the comedy “Stealing Harvard”, coming in SEPTEMBER

1972 [30] Brad Hargreaves, Marin County CA, rock drummer/vocalist (Third Eye Blind-“How’s It Going to Be”, “Semi-Charmed Life”)

1974 [28] Hilary Swank, Lincoln NE, movie actress (“Insomnia”, 2000 Oscar-“Boys Don’t Cry”)  UP NEXT: The sci-fi thriller “The Core”, opening NOVEMBER 1

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Cheesecake Day”, a day to indulge yourself in one of the most
decadent of all desserts. (Or does it have to do with photography?)

WEDNESDAY is “Harry Potter’s Birthday” (and his creator, author JK Rowling). Fans can call toll-free for a special birthday reading from “Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone”. The recording will be updated about every 2 weeks. (Perfect chance to record it and jazz it up with some weird SFX, edit in extra dialogue – generally mock the hell out of it!)
PHONER: 866-855-6708

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1898 [104] 1st ‘Corn Flakes’ invented by Will Kellogg (Battle Creek MI)

1908 [94] 1st ‘Around-the-World Automobile Race’ ends in Paris FRA

1930 [72] 1st ‘World Cup’ soccer final (Uruguay over Argentina 4-2 in Montevideo)

1952 [50] The ‘dean of soap operas’, daytime drama “The Guiding Light”, 1st airs on CBS-TV (former “Dynasty” witch Joan Collins joins the cast THIS FALL)

1962 [40] 1st traffic on ‘Trans-Canada Highway’ (longest in North America at 7,307 km [4,384 mi])

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1988 [14] Ronald Dossenbach begins record ‘bike ride across Canada’ (Vancouver to Halifax in 13 days)

1998 [04] A then-world-record Powerball jackpot of $295.7 million is won by a group of 13
machinists in Westerville OH who choose the lump-sum payment option of $161.5 million

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] National Orgasm Day
[Sat] 2002 NFL Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony
[Mon] Holiday in 7 provinces & NWT (BC Day, AB Heritage Day, Civic Holiday, Simcoe Day, etc)
Hay Month (Make hay while the sun shines! – and at night?)
Get Along With Your Ex Month (In one poll, 70% of divorced people say they would have casual sex with their ex-. Is that ‘getting along’?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS REASONS YOU’RE NOT ON CANADA’S COMMONWEALTH GAMES TEAM:
• You keep accidentally burning your wrestling opponents with your cigarette.
• You can’t get your ass through the parallel bars.
• Being 30-years-old and still living with your parents is not yet a Commonwealth Games event.
• Your belly flop in the diving trials was a 5.9 – on the Richter scale.
• When your relay partner tries to take the baton, you shout: “Hands off, get your own damn stick!”

BS LEAST POPULAR IN-VITRO FERTILIZATION CLINICS:
• Stop ‘n’ Pop
• Aunt Bertha’s Baby Batter
• The Las Vegas Genetic Crap Shoot
• International House of Zygotes
• Mick Jagger’s Kiddie City
• Ringling Bros Grow-Your-Own-Circus-People
• The Bus Station
• McFertilization

WHO SAID IT?
“I’ve been enjoying this life. I’m having a great time. I just hope hell isn’t that hot.”
a) Mike Myers
b) Jerry Springer
c) Pope John Paul 2
ANSWER: Jerry Springer.

WEB GOODIE:
A new UK Website analyzes your life using the principles of ‘phone shui’ (a weird take on the ancient Chinese art of placement — feng shui). Mobile phone users are encouraged to log in and receive a free phone shui diagnosis. Seems your ring tones, how you answer, how you write text messages, even how you charge your phone can help bring ‘positive energy to your life’.
NET: http://www.phoneshui.co.uk

BS TRIVIA:
Q: To the dismay of bunny-lovers, the last one closed down 14 years ago TODAY (1988). What was it?
A: The last ‘Playboy Club’ closed in Lansing, Michigan.

THE LAST CONTEST:
Win $5 million playing our ‘Astral Lottery’! Scientists say all human life on Earth could be wiped out by a giant asteroid on February 1, 2019. If you guess the correct time of the end of the world, you win!

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Even in this day and age, 63% of women still say this is a must. The other 37% say forget it!
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Taking their husband’s surname after marriage.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The future is when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.