Monday, July 22, 2002 Edition: #2339
Here Comes Another Sheet Load!
BS TITILLATING TABLOID TRASH:
• 20-year-old “Spider-Man” star Kirsten Dunst tells “National Enquirer” she’d never consider working opposite Kevin Spacey or Brad Pitt. Nothing personal — they’re just ‘too old’.
• Singer John Denver’s been dead 5 years, but the IRS won’t let him rest in peace! It says his family owes $1.5 million in back taxes. “Star” magazine reports that his adult kids are going to court to fight the ruling. (Thanks a lot, dad.)
• After dating more than her fair share of Hollywood hunks, Gwyneth Paltrow tells “Daily Mirror” she’s decided she’s happy with life as a single girl. (Translated: there’s no one left who’ll put up with her.)
• UK’s “Sun” reports Russell Crowe’s been causing trouble – again. Seems he lit up a cig on Australia’s version of “60 Minutes”, smoking on live TV contrary to a blanket smoking ban. Now the show’s makers are facing a huge fine from broadcast regulators.
• Sharon Osbourne tells “People” magazine that when Ozzy got word of her cancer, he became hysterical and had to be sedated (how could they tell?). Mrs O begins chemotherapy JULY 29.
• According to “PeopleNews”, Britney Spears only agreed to appear in the upcoming ‘Austin Powers’ film “Goldmember” if her specific demand was met – she wanted to wear a bra that shoots bullets. Apparently she was accommodated. (No mention of the caliber of her ‘weapons’.)
• “News of the World” claims Eminem ended his 4-month fling with Mariah Carey in a brief mobile phone call just days after her father died of cancer. The tab claims the double-whammy has her friends worrying about her state of mind — again. Since he divorced wife Kim last year, Eminem’s had flings with Destiny’s Child singer Beyonce Knowles, Irish pop star babe Samantha Mumba, and has even been linked to Kim Basinger, who plays his mother in the upcoming movie “Eight Mile”.
• And here’s the real news this week, according to “Weekly World News” — “Scientists Claim Mexican Crater Hides Space Alien City!”, “Drowning Man Rescued by Sharks!”, and – you gotta love it – “Geezers Launch Nursing Home Panty Raids!”
SILLY STUDIES:
• A German health study says you have a 33% greater chance of having a heart attack on MONDAYS. (Have a nice day.)
• An extensive study of UFO abductions shows that in 97% of cases in which people were allegedly whisked away from their bedrooms, the victims were sleeping on their backs. (So, to avoid alien abduction, sleep on your tummy!)
• A German women’s magazine reports that sex can not only make you healthier, happier and wiser but can also help prevent headaches. (So much for that old excuse!)
BREAST IS BEST:
Breast milk may keep you slim, according to the “British Medical Journal”. In a recent study, scientists found a 35% drop in obesity among those exclusively breast-fed. (In related news, [your co-host] has gone on a new diet.)
WHY MEN ARE GROSS:
Ever wonder why guys like to belch in public? According to “First for Women” magazine, a bit of gross behavior is ingrained in male identity. Observing etiquette means having to restrain impulses. Men tend to be more impulsive than women, partly because boys are taught it’s okay to follow impulses at certain times. (See, it’s not our fault!)
TOP COFFEE DRINKING COUNTRIES:
5. Holland (1,401 cups per person annually)
4. Denmark/Norway (1,442)
3. Austria (1,505)
2. Sweden (1,665)
1. Finland (1,998)
NOTE: Canadians average just 702 cups a year. (Each accompanied by a Tim Bit.) Americans don’t even make the top 10!
Source: “Top Ten of Everything”
BS AMAZING FACT:
According to “Harper’s Index”, the average person has 110 ‘bad mood days’ per year.
THE BULL SHEET 07.22.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [62] Alex Trebek, Sudbury ON, TV game show host (“Jeopardy”, since 1984)
1947 [55] Albert Brooks (Einstein), Beverly Hills CA, film actor (“Out of Sight”, “Dr Doolittle”)
1947 [55] Danny Glover, San Francisco CA, film actor (“The Royal Tenenbaums”, “Lethal Weapon 1-4″, “Angels in Outfield”)
1947 [55] Don Henley, Gilmer TX, classic rock musician (“Boys of Summer”, Eagles-“Hotel California”)
1947 [55] Gilles Duceppe, Montréal QC, federal Bloc Québecois leader
1955 [47] Willem Dafoe, Appleton WI, film actor (The Green Goblin-“Spider-Man”, “The English Patient”, “Mississippi Burning”)
1964 [38] David Spade, Birmingham MI, TV actor (Dennis Quimby Finch-“Just Shoot Me” since 1997)
1973 [29] Daniel Jones, Essex ENG, pop musician/singer (ex-Savage Garden-“Crash & Burn”, “Truly Madly Deeply”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Virgin Islands] “Hurricane Supplication Day”
TODAY through Wednesday the “Canadian National Left-Handed Golf Championship” hooks and slices at the Peace Portal and Morgan Creek Golf Courses in Surrey BC. Are there extra difficulties encountered by lefty golfers?
PHONER: 604-530-6123 (Keith Robertson)
TODAY through Wednesday is the 39th annual “Santa Claus Convention” in Denmark. It may seem a tad strange to invite assorted ‘Father Christmases’, ‘St Nicks’, ‘Pére-Noels’ and ‘Santas’ to Copenhagen’s Bakken amusement park in the middle of summer, but then when else would they have time to get together and talk shop with colleagues? The event was started in 1963 as a local novelty, but has since gone global. This year over a hundred Santas from 10 nations and 5 continents are expected, many of them declared the ‘official’ Santa Claus of their country. Among the topics to be tackled by the portly pack — Christmas Eve labor conditions, reindeer food & maintenance, and standard gift sizes.
TODAY is “Rat-Catchers Day”, observed on the anniversary of the fabled ‘Pied Piper of Hamelin’ (Germany) piping the town’s rats into the Weser River back in 1376.
TODAY is “Spooner’s Day” honoring the 1844 birth of William Archibald Spooner in London ENG, who accidentally invented ‘spoonerisms’ (slips of the tongue like ‘queer old dean’ instead of ‘dear old queen’ or ‘blushing crow’ for ‘crushing blow’).
5 YEARS AGO . . .
1997 Elton John and Princess Diana are among mourners at memorial for slain fashion designer Gianni Versace in Milan (6 weeks later, Diana attends another funeral — her own)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1948 [54] Newfoundlanders vote 52% in favor of joining Canada, narrowly resulting in the addition of a 10th province
1979 [23] 1st pro golfer to shoot below his age (67-year-old Sam Snead shoots a 66)
1979 [23] 1st ‘Sony Walkman’ goes on sale (kids have been saying “What??” ever since)
1998 [04] 1st ‘all whale radio station’ (ORCA-FM signs on in Vancouver, featuring all whale sounds, all the time)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1983 [19] World record low temp recorded as mercury dips to -128F (-89C) in Vostok, Antarctica
1989 [13] Youngest pilot to fly around-the-world (11-year-old Tony Aliengena-CA)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Hot Enough For Ya? Day
[Tues-July 29] Pope’s World Youth Day celebration (Toronto)
[Wed] Cousins Day
[Wed] Virtual Love Day
[Thurs] Commonwealth Games begin (Manchester ENG)
[Fri] All or Nothing Day
[Fri] Aunt & Uncle Day
[Sat] Take Your Houseplants for a Walk Day
National Salad Week
Bison Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why do some women shave off their eyebrows then paint them back on? (And for that matter, can a person with no eyebrows really be surprised?)
• Do bald people ever have ‘bad head’ days’?
• Why is it that, no matter when you graduated, your yearbook pictures keep getting nerdier and nerdier as the years go by?
• What does Queen Elizabeth sing during the British anthem — “God save ME”?
• Why is it everything is easier to take apart than put together?
• How old to you have to be before your toupée turns grey?
• Why is it nothing good ever comes after the words “Sit down we have to talk”?
• When women are shopping for clothes why do they always hold up ugly dresses and ask the same thing — ‘Would this look better on’? On what? On FIRE?
BS SIGNS YOU’RE A DUMB GUY:
• Inability to predict upcoming traffic light color.
• You subsist entirely on diet of accidentally swallowed gum.
• Have to call electrician every morning to turn off alarm clock.
• People wearing ‘I’m With Stupid’ T-shirts always asking to walk beside you.
• You get a letter saying you’ve been approved for a VISA Platinum Dumb Guy card.
• Every time someone tells a knock-knock joke, you get up to answer the door.
• You drag your butt out of bed at 4 am on a Monday to shuffle into a radio station and do a morning show.
INVENTIONS THAT CHANGED THE WORLD:
A poll of scientific types resulted in the following list of landmarks from the past 10 years —
1991 First Internet browser
1992 Mobile phone text message
1993 Global Positioning Satellites
1994 Genetically modified tomatoes
1995 First entirely computer-generated feature film (“Toy Story”)
1996 First ever ‘deep field photographs’ of our universe, showing how the universe looked 10 billion years ago
1997 First mammal cloned from an adult cell (‘Dolly’ the sheep)
1998 First section of the International Space Station launched
1999 The world’s first electronic, reusable paper
2000 Knock-out pigs (pigs with a gene removed, an early step to developing transgenic pigs for organ transplants)
2001 First bionic eye (microchips inserted into the damaged retinas of the blind, restoring vision)
PHONE STARER: “So what will be the landmark invention for 2002? Giant movie spiders?”
BS Q & A:
Q: What rock band holds the dubious title for the MOST DEATHS at a concert performed by a single group?
A: Currently touring wrinkle rockers The Who. At their 1979 concert at Riverfront Coliseum in Cincinnati, 11 fans died when thousands rushed the doors in a mad scramble for first-come, first-served seating. Unfortunately, the doors weren’t open yet.
WHO SAID IT?
“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.”
a) Regis Philbin
b) Posh Spice
c) Napoleon
A: Napoleon
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 85% of men don’t use this, even though they probably have one.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: The slit in their underwear.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome to this week’s BS tire-kickers that include Rudy Chase @ CHWF Nanaimo BC, Kelley Kendall @ KISS-FM San Antonio TX, Tony Trippo @ ”The Retro Rewind Show” Nashville TN, and Paul Campion @ 97.3 FM Stones Corner, Australia.
