Tuesday, July 16, 2002 Edition: #2335
Zee Bull Is Back!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
An ad campaign for Jennifer Lopez’s new fragrance ‘Glow’ is being dumped before it ever appears because it shows her and estranged hubby Cris Judd in a romantic clutch, meaning the agency is now scrambling to keep her highness happy . . . Word is Tobey Maguire can’t convince the movie studio to sell him his “Spider-Man” costumes — even for $150,000 each (what, he needs them to pick up chicks?) . . . Madonna is said to be interesting in starring in a movie version of playwright David Williamson’s international stage hit “Up For Grabs”, in which she’s been starring in London’s West End (but instead, Williamson’s considering getting an actual actress) . . . Meantime, Madonna is shooting her micro-role as a fencing instructor in the new ‘Bond’ film “Die Another Day” THIS WEEK in London (likely a throw-in to convince her to record the title tune) . . . check this casting — buzz has it Roseanne wants to play Robert Blake’s murdered wife Bonny Lee Bakley in a TV movie and has gone after actor Joe Pesci to play Blake . . . One of TV’s masters of survival, Heather Locklear, isn’t too worried her latest show “Spin City” has been canceled — she’s already negotiating to join the offbeat hospital sitcom “Scrubs” . . . Catherine Zeta-Jones and her old man Michael Douglas are building a $1.5-million mansion in her home country of Wales, sparking rumors about a permanent move (but it’s actually just another in their string of homes that includes hovels in California, Colorado and NY) . . . And band leader Max Weinberg will take a leave of absence from his regular gig on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” to once again hit the road as drummer with Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band when the new tour kicks off AUGUST 7 in East Rutherford NJ.
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Audrey Tautou stars in “Amélie”, one of the most successful French films ever, a romantic comedy about an innocent and naive girl in Paris who decides to help those around her . . . In the drama “John Q”, Denzel Washington plays a down-on-his luck father who takes an entire hospital ER hostage until doctors agree to perform a heart transplant on his son.
SEARCHING FOR STEP-FATHERS:
“Mum’s The Word”, a new Brit TV dating show in which kids pick partners for their single mothers, is already being accused of exploiting children even though it has yet to air. On the show 3 men are given a shot at selling themselves after which the youngsters choose which is the best mate for mom. The winner and mommy get an all-expenses-paid date ranging from dinner in an expensive restaurant to a resort vacation. The mother returns the following week to reveal how things went. (You know, there’s a radio game in here somewhere.)
PUCKER POLL:
Bad breath and bad technique are apparently the main roadblocks plaguing a person’s chances of enjoying a long, lingering kiss. In a survey of 1,000 people by Oral-B, 77% say lack of oral hygiene resulted in their ‘worst kiss ever’, while 21% say their partner’s pucker was the problem. Men fare the worst, with a whopping 86% of women saying they need to both brush their teeth and hone their smooching skills. (Who gave you your worst kiss ever? Your dog? Your gym teacher? Your grandma? [doncha hate it when she slips you the tongue?])
DON’T GIVE UP:
Researchers at the University of Chicago have some advice for unhappily married couples – don’t divorce, stick it out! Their study of over 5,000 adults who’ve been married shows that about the same proportion of couples who avoid divorce despite an unhappy marriage end up just as happy 5 years later as those who went ahead and split up. Why? Seems the sources of marital conflict such as money, depression and even infidelity ease with time.
GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• For $130 you can now buy a computer that will convert whatever your dog barks into English. (Yesterday my pooch said, “Thanks for the water and kibble. Now I’m gonna go crap on your lawn.”)
• There is a new drug on the market for shyness. Do we really need this? Shy people aren’t bothering anyone. (How about a drug for obnoxious idiots – now, that’s what we need!)
• A new line of T-shirts has been impregnated with pheromones which are said to attract members of the opposite sex. Berlin designer Anna Figoluschka claims her ‘Flirt Shirt’ gives its wearer an advantage over rivals. T-shirts with a blue anchor contain male pheromones, while those with a pink heart contain female pheromones. (In other words a sweaty T-shirt?)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Malaysia has some of the world’s strictest drug laws, but that’s just led wannabe users to find new ways of getting high. One of the latest — sniffing fresh cow dung. Seems bovine doo emits gases like sulfur that can provide a high but are also addictive. (“Wow man, where’d you get this sh**. I mean this is good sh**!”)
• Australia’s national scientific research institute, CSIRO, is recommending that all usage of gasoline should eventually be replaced by bio-mass fuel, which is made from wood and manure. (Well, at least you wouldn’t have to worry about people siphoning it out of your tank. Of course, due to demand from Malaysian dung huffers, prices could skyrocket!)
• Food scientists at South Korea’s National Rural Living Science Institute have developed ‘rose petal ice cream’ which they claim will help keep you young. The team used crushed flowers to flavor and scent the ice cream because roses purportedly have acid-fast materials that help prevent cells from aging. (Yeah, but that ‘Thorn Ripple’ is sure tough to swallow.)
• A blind German psychic claims he can read people’s futures by feeling their — butts. Clairvoyant Ulf Buck claims people’s backsides have lines like those on the palm of the hand which can be read to reveal much about their character and destiny. By running his fingers along a number of lines on the surface of a client’s posterior he says he can tell them about their future monetary success, family life, health and happiness. (Man, now there’s a line I’ve never thought of using before.)
THE BULL SHEET 07.16.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1952 [50] Stewart Copeland, Alexandria EGYPT, classic rock drummer (Police-“Every Breath You Take”, “King of Pain”)/film score composer (“Wall Street”, “Rumble Fish”)
1958 [44] Michael Flatley, Chicago IL, obnoxious & arrogant Irish-style dancer (“Feet of Flames”, “Lord of the Dance”, originally in “Riverdance”)
1967 [35] Will Ferrell, Irvine CA, movie actor (“Austin Powers 1-3″, “Zoolander”, “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back”)/ex-TV actor (“Saturday Night Live” 1995-2002)
1971 [31] Ed Kowalczyk, York PA, rock singer (Live-“Lightning Crashes”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TOMORROW through Sunday the English-language part of Montréal’s “Just For Laughs” titters and guffaws following the week-long French-language portion. The comedy festival’s 20th anniversary edition boasts the biggest lineup ever. Joan Rivers, “Whose Line Is It Anyway’s” Wayne Brady, Denis Leary, Howie Mandel, Norm Crosby and Canada’s Mike MacDonald (the only comedian to perform in every festival since 1985) are among the more than 100 acts. Also featured — “The Simpsons In The Flesh!”, a live script reading featuring the actors who voice ‘Homer’, ‘Bart’, ‘Lisa’ et al, hosted by series creator Matt Groening.
PHONER: 888-244-3155/514-845-3155
NET: http://www.hahaha.com
THIS MONTH is “Appreciate A Geezer Month”, when we’re asked to appreciate seniors instead of relegating them to the trash heap of life. ‘The Geezer Brigade’ notes that geezers not only have most of the money but “are having greater sex than anyone ever suspected”! The group has selected Bob Hope as ‘Geezer of the Year’ for 2002.
NET: http://www.thegeezerbrigade.com
ON THIS DAY . . .
1994 [08] 26-year-old bad actress/gold digger Anna Nicole Smith marries 89-year-old multi-millionaire J Howard Marshall II (finally pays off in March 2002 when she’s awarded $88 million from the estate of her late husband but is denied a claim that she’s also owed interest on it)
1999 [03] John F Kennedy Jr, wife Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, and sister-in-law Lauren Bessette are killed as his plane crashes off coast of Martha’s Vineyard
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1849 [153] 1st ‘safety pin’ (next day, 1st busted fly is pinned together)
1935 [67] 1st ‘parking meter’ charges 5 cents (Oklahoma City)
1945 [57] 1st ‘atomic bomb’ explosion (‘Fat Boy’-Alamogordo NM)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1950 [52] ‘Largest crowd’ in sports history as 199,854 watch Uruguay defeat Brazil in “World Cup” soccer final
1981 [21] Shukuni Sasaki spins a record 72 plates simultaneously
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] British Open golf begins
[Thurs] Cow Appreciation Day
[Sat] Moon Day
[Sat] Lollipop Day
[Sun] National Ice Cream Day
Space Week
Tahiti Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why do most bosses think the best reward for a job well done is more work?
• They say money talks. Why is it that all mine ever says is goodbye?
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
• If your spouse doesn’t disagree with you, how can you tell if you’re right?
• Why doesn’t the CCRA (Revenue Canada) offer us our money back if we’re not satisfied?
• Why is it experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it?
• How can ‘Malcolm’ be ‘In The Middle’ when there are 4 brothers?
• Why does the phone ring when you call a psychic hotline?
• Why is it that whenever you tell somebody you lost something they immediately ask you where?
• How are you supposed to save money when your neighbors keep buying things you can’t afford?
BS FACT OR CRAP?
Two of the following are facts, the other one is pure BS. But which one?
1. Ailurophobia is the fear of cats.
2. Androphobia is the fear of men.
3. Audiophobia is the fear of radios. (BS)
BS ‘CASTING CALL’:
You give 3 movie co-stars, your phone contestant tries to name the movie they were all in –
• OK, here’s an easy one to start — Willem Dafoe, Kirstin Dunst & Tobey Maguire. [“Spider-Man”]
• Helen Hunt, Tom Hanks & ‘Wilson’. [“Cast Away”]
• Tim Allen, Tom Hanks & Don Rickles. [Provided the voices in “Toy Story”]
• Richard Harris, Maggie Smith & Daniel Radcliffe. [“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s (Philosopher’s) Stone”]
• Richard Harris, Joaquin Phoenix & Russell Crowe. [“Gladiator”]
• Toni Collette, Haley Joel Osment & Bruce Willis. [“The Sixth Sense”]
• C Thomas Howell, Peter Coyote & Drew Barrymore. [“ET: The Extra-Terrestrial”]
• Kate Beckinsale, Josh Hartnett & Ben Affleck. [“Pearl Harbor”]
BS Q & A:
Q: 563 years ago TODAY (1439), this was banned in England to prevent the spread of germs. What?
A: Kissing.
Q: You suffer from ‘rhinotillexomania’. What’s your problem?
A: That’s the scientific term for obsessive nose-picking.
Q: 21 years ago TODAY (1981), the top Japanese automaker began calling its vehicles by the name ‘Nissan’. What were they called before that?
A: They were known as ‘Datsuns’ for 23 years.
WHO SAID IT?
“I’m a prankster. I like to have fun. I’m very, very silly. It helps keep me out of trouble.”
a) Joe Clark
b) Will Smith
c) Shaquille O’Neal
ANSWER: Shaquille O’Neal.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 73% of Dutch people think that doing this in public is okay, but only 6% of Japanese people agree.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Grabbing your partner’s butt.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
When you get right down to it what is Tuesday anyway? It’s just Monday without the attitude.
BS SALUTES:
Welcome aboard to our newest subscriber, the cleverly named Dartofnoise @ PERFECT 10 in Singapore and to this week’s samplers that include Phil Allen @ STAR 107.3 Bristol UK, Helsa @ U-FM Jakarta, Indonesia, Ian Lownds @ FM 100.3 Armidale, Australia, Doug Thomson @ CKWV Nanaimo BC, Ian McWilliams @ CHAB Moose Jaw SK, Scott Baines @ CCKC Kentville NS, Fil @ KSHE Arnold MO, John English @ KGWY Gillette WY, and AJ Battalio @ KZII Lubbock TX.
