Tuesday, July 17, 2001 Edition: #2100
My Uncle Bull finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful service.
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Howz come health club ads on TV never show people who look like they need to be there?
• Why do ‘overlook’ and ‘oversee’ mean opposite things?
• If hot air rises, why is it cold on mountain tops?
• Could we combat global warming simply by getting everybody in the world to blow at the same time?
• Why does your favorite song always come on the radio right when you get out of your car?
• Howz come as soon as you’re doing what you want to be doing, you want to be doing something else?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY Elton John performs in the 1st-ever Internet ‘pay-to-view concert’, run in partnership with Microsoft and staged at Turkey’s 2,500-year-old Great Amphitheater in Ephesus (you’ll need high-speed access and have to pay $10-15) . . . Britney Spears says her live concert special from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas this NOVEMBER will “be shocking and edgier” than anything she’s done previously and here’s the proof — it will include a duet with Cher on the old Sonny & Cher hit “The Beat Goes On” (wow, I’m on edge already) . . . THIS WEEK REM are in LA to record an upcoming appearance on “The Simpsons”, following in the footsteps of U2, Smashing Pumpkins and Paul McCartney . . . We still say they’ll never happen but it they do come off, Michael Jackson’s “30th Anniversary” shows September 7 and 10 in NYC will set a world record for most expensive concert tickets — $5000 for a top-of-the line ducat that includes admission to the after-show “Champagne & Caviar All-Star Dinner And Carnival” at NYC’s Tavern On The Green in Central Park.
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Nicolas Cage plays a fast-lane investment broker and confirmed bachelor who one day wakes up to find that his sports car and girlfriend have somehow turned into a minivan and wife in the comedy “The Family Man” . . . Cate Blanchett plays a fortune teller with extrasensory perception who’s asked to help find a woman who’s disappeared in the thriller “The Gift” . . . And Julia Roberts and/or Hugh Grant fans may be interested in the ‘Ultimate Edition’ of the romantic comedy “Notting Hill” on DVD.
EAU DE TUNA:
The new fragrance ‘Oh My Cat’ is set to hit store shelves in MID-AUGUST, a scent designed for both humans — and cats. It will be priced at $32 for a 50 ml bottle. Its canine counterpart ‘Oh My Dog’ was launched LAST YEAR. Why?, you might ask. Because people and their pets can bond by wearing the same scent, claims its creator, the Paris-based company Dog Generation. By the way, ‘Oh My Cat’ contains no catnip and is completely edible. (It features the delicate aroma of rotting fish with just a hint of kitty litter.)
CAN’T BE ANY WORSE THAN SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING:
A sports association in Spain is lobbying to have ‘catapulting’ recognized as a legitimate sport and included in the 2004 Olympics. The sport involves opposing teams armed with catapults competing to hit targets at 50, 100 and 150 meters. (If this catches on, they’ll want to add that other medieval sport — wall climbing while hot oil is dumped on your head.)
GETTING A GLOW ON:
US army scientists have developed special meals containing compounds that are expelled from pores in the skin or from soldiers’ breath. When viewed by specially-equipped aircraft or satellites above a battlefield the troops appear to be brightly colored, thus preventing them from accidentally being shot by friendly fire. And to prevent the enemy from copying the formula, the colors can be changed – yellow one day, red the next, etc. (On ‘green’ day, everyone gets raw oysters in their MRE rations.)
STUPID STUDIES:
• Only 11% of women who engage in sexual bondage prefer the ‘dominant-initiator’ role, according to a Swedish study. 89% would rather be ‘submissive-recipient’. (“I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone, I’m kind of tied up at the moment.”)
• A study on household accidents in the UK finds there were 5,945 reported ‘trouser accidents’ LAST YEAR. (SFX: Zip! Ouch!!)
THE BULL SHEET 07.17.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1917 [84] Phyllis Diller (Driver), Lima OH, comedian who’s STILL touring
1920 [81] Juan Antonio Samaranch, Barcelona SPA, out-going International Olympic Committee President (1980-2001) who’s just been made Honorary IOC President for Life (with no official power or duties)
1934 [67] Donald Sutherland, Saint John NB, movie actor (“Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within“, “Space Cowboys”, “M*A*S*H”)/actor Keifer Sutherland’s dad NOTE: Grew up in Bridgewater NS where his first part-time job was news reporter at CKBW at age 14
1947 [54] Camilla Parker Bowles, Plumpton ENG, Prince Charles’ longtime lover who may or may not soon marry him (she’s 378 in dog years)
1952 [49] David Hasselhoff, Baltimore MD, bad actor/producer (ex-Mitch Bucannon-“Baywatch”) who’s attempting a comeback with an updated version of his vintage TV series “Knight Rider”, to be called “Super Knight Rider 3000″
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Calgary] Canadian Alliance Party caucus meeting (when the ‘Stock’ market crashes)
THIS WEEK is “Backward Masking Awareness Week”, celebrating the fabled electronic technique of implanting hidden messages in music recordings that can only be discovered by playing the recording backwards at slow speed. The practice gained mythical status at the end of the Beatles era when the message ‘Paul’s Dead’ was supposedly buried in one of their recordings. Conduct some on-air ‘experiments’ using the most popular tunes on your playlist and ‘discover’ hidden messages like — ‘Roll Up the Rim to Win’, ‘Britney’s No Virgin’, ‘Faith Hill’s a Guy’, etc.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1917 [84] British royal family 1st uses surname ‘Windsor’, in attempt to rid itself of German heritage
1955 [46] ‘Disneyland’ 1st opens its doors in Orange County CA, billed ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’ (and soon the most expensive)
1976 [25] 1st Olympic Games in Canada open in Montréal (Canada becomes 1st host country NOT to win at least one gold medal)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Cow Appreciation Day
[Wed] National Caviar Day
[Thurs] British Open begins (Royal Lytham & St Annes in England)
National Picnic Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WOMANSPEAK:
What a woman says [and what she really means].
• “Do what you want.” [You’ll pay for this later.]
• “That’s OK.” [You’re REALLY going to pay for this later.]
• “It’s your decision.” [The correct decision should be obvious by now.]
• “We need to talk.” [I need to complain.]
• “I’m not upset.” [Of course I’m upset, you moron.]
• “You’re . . . so manly.” [You need a shave and you sweat a lot.]
• “You’re certainly attentive tonight.” [Is sex all you ever think about?]
• “Be romantic, turn out the lights.” [I have flabby thighs.]
• “I heard a noise.” [I noticed you were almost asleep.]
• “I’ll be ready in a minute.” [Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.]
BS MANSPEAK:
What a man says [and what he really means].
• “Haven’t I seen you before?” [Nice ass.]
• “I’m a ‘romantic’.” [I’m poor.]
• “I need you.” [My hand is tired.]
• “Woman driver!” [Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.]
• “I had a wonderful time last night.” [Who the hell are you?]
• “Do you love me?” [I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.]
• “I’ve been thinking a lot.” [You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.]
• “I’m going fishing.” [I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.]
• “I think we should just be friends.” [You’re ugly.]
• “I’ve learned a lot from you.” [Next!]
BS ANIMAL CRACKERS:
Called terms of ‘venery’ (‘the hunt’ in medieval times), many groups of animals have names you are familiar with — a ‘pack’ of dogs, a ‘school’ of fish, a ‘colony’ of ants. But try to identify these animals by their group names . . .
• a ‘murder’ of ? [crows]
• a ‘sounder’ of ? [swine]
• a ‘crash’ of ? [rhinoceroses]
• a ‘shrewdness’ of ? [apes]
• an ‘exaltation’ of ? [larks]
• a ‘parliament’ of ? [owls]
• a ‘host’ of ? [sparrows]
• a ‘troop’ of ? [kangaroos or monkeys]
• a ‘leash’ of ? [greyhounds]
• an ‘unkindness’ of ? [ravens]
BS TAG LINE:
A fool and your money are soon partners.
