Friday, July 6, 2001 Edition: #2093
The following program is not recommended for children under 35.
I THINK I’M GOING TO MOW THE LAWN THIS WEEKEND BECAUSE . . .
• The last time it was cut, the neighbor kid did it for $5. Today, his son wants $100.
• My yard is being scouted for “Survivor 4’s” secret location.
• Even my sunglasses have grass stains.
• I have to attach an orange antenna flag to the kid before he plays outside.
• Our lawn flamingo was taken down by hungry jackals.
• Our front yard is constantly mistaken for Woody Harrelson’s garage.
• Taking out the garbage requires a machete and 4-days supply of water.
• Filming for the latest “Jurassic Park” movie is making it difficult to get out of the driveway.
• Suddenly our yard is THE hot spot to watch bison do it.
• Our ABOVE-ground pool is now an IN-ground pool.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
THIS MORNING perky Valerie Pringle hosts her last edition of CTV’s “Canada AM” after nearly 9 years of getting up at 4:30 every weekday, before gearing down to a less hectic career of making documentaries (she’s been sleeping in until 4:30? — slacker!) . . . TOMORROW Britney Spears serves as grand marshal for the 43rd Pepsi 400 Nascar Winston Cup Series auto race in Daytona, giving the traditional command, ‘Gentlemen, start your engines’ . . . “Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone” just finished filming about 2 months ago and producers are already rushing to get the follow-up in the can — why? — they don’t want 11-year-old star Daniel Radcliffe to age from film-to-film . . . Ricky Martin says that he’ll perform in a leopard-skin thong at his next concert (guess this is his latest attempt to dispel all those rumors that he’s gay) . . . Seen the new Eminem action figures in stores? (who are these for — guys that hate gays but still want to play with dolls?).
THE WEEK’S NEW MOVIES:
Jet Li plays a Chinese intelligence officer who goes to Paris on assignment and becomes embroiled in a deadly conspiracy in the action film “Kiss of the Dragon”. . . . The animated kid comedy “Cats & Dogs”, a look at the top-secret, high-tech espionage war going on between cats and dogs that humans are totally unaware of, features Alec Baldwin as the voice of ‘Butch’ (already causing protests from cat lovers because, in this movie, cats are the ‘bad guys’) . . . Critics are saying the Wayan Bros horror comedy sequel “Scary Movie 2” doesn’t generate anywhere near the laughs of the original (but it does have one extra element of horror [or is that ‘ho’] – Tori Spelling!).
GETTING THE LED OUT:
You’re likely familiar with LEDs (‘Light Emitting Diodes’) from the little ‘on’ lights on stereos and other appliances. But thanks to new advances, LEDs may soon become the lighting of choice in offices and institutions, replacing harsh overhead flourescent illumination. Researchers have managed to increase the intensity of LED lights by upping their power, and in addition to red, blue and green, white-light LEDs have now been developed. One reason they’re likely to become popular – longevity. After all, have you ever had an LED burn out on you?
WHAT WE DON’T KNOW:
Americans know less about their country than Canadians know about theirs, a recent study has found. But despite how we like to slag Americans, it’s not by much — 60% of Canadians failed a 10-question quiz on Canadian facts and history, while slightly over 60% of Americans failed a similar test about the US, says National Public Radio.
HERE’S MUD IN YOUR EYE!
New figures from StatsCan show beer is still Canada’s favorite booze, accounting for 52% of total alcohol sales. The reports also shows Canadians aged 15 and over buy an
average of 104 litres of alcoholic beverages annually (um, 15-year-olds?). Alcoholic tastes vary by region — Quebeckers consumed more red wine, white wine sales are highest in Ontario, domestic beer sales are tops in Yukon, while imported beer sales are highest in Alberta. The Northwest Territories and Nunavut favor vodka, while Manitoba has the highest per-capita consumption of whisky. Newfoundlanders are the most likely to drink rum on ice. (And residents of [local hell-hole] are most likely to drink anything out of a paper bag.)
FAKE PUPPY NOSES:
A woman in Minneapolis has invented something called ‘Body Perks’, a silicone nipple-enhancer that makes nipples appear erect all the time. (The woman who invented Body Perks is being sued by the man who invented air conditioning.)
SUMMER VACATION FACTS:
• A survey by the American Management Association finds that 26% of executives plan to contact their offices daily while vacationing this summer. Only 31% will be taking the traditional 2 weeks off. The rest will divide their vacations into smaller portions.
• In some countries, vacations are a LEGAL right. By law, the minimum number of vacation days in Sweden is 30, in France 25, and in Japan 19. Compare that to Canada or the USA, where the legal minimum is — zip!
THE BULL SHEET 07.06.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1921 [80] Nancy Reagan (Anne Frances Robbins Davis Reagan), NYC, former US First Lady/Mrs Ronald Reagan
1931 [70] Della Reese (Delloreese Patricia Early), Detroit MI, TV actress (Tess-“Touched By An Angel”, since 1994)
1946 [55] George Walker Bush (aka ‘Dubya’, ‘George II’), New Haven CT, 43rd US President
1946 [55] Sylvester Stallone, NYC, movie actor (“Driven”, “Rambo I-III”, “Rocky I-V”)
1948 [53] Peter Mansbridge, London ENG, TV journalist/anchor (CBC’s “The National”, since 1988)/Mr Cynthia Dale/ex-Mr Wendy Mesley
1951 [50] Geoffrey Rush, Toowoomba AUS, movie actor (Oscar-“Shine”, “Shakespeare in Love”)
1955 [46] Paul Guilfoyle, TV actor (Captain Jim Brass-“CSI”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [61] Ringo Starr (Richard Starkey), Liverpool ENG, rock drummer/bad singer (Beatles-“Act Naturally”)
1963 [38] Vonda Shepard, NYC, singer-songwriter (“Ally McBeal”)
1969 [32] Cree Summer, LA CA [grew up Red Pheasant SK], movie actress who’s been voicing cartoons since the age of 13 (“Atlantis: The Lost Empire”, “Rugrats in Paris”)/former TV actress (Freddie-“A Different World”)/singer-songwriter/daughter of Canadian actor Don Francks
1980 [21] Michelle Kwan, Torrance CA, figure skater (4-time World Champion, Olympic Silver Medalist)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• National Fried Chicken Day
• Old Albums Are Frisbees Day
TODAY kicks off the world famous “Calgary Stampede”, the 10-day bash billed as ‘The Greatest Outdoor Show On Earth’.
NET: http://www.calgary-stampede.com
TODAY is the beginning of the 9-day “Fiesta de San Fermin” in Pamplona, Spain , famous for ‘the running of the bulls’, an annual event made legendary by Ernest Hemingway in his book “The Sun Also Rises”.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 20-year-old Venus Williams beats her 18-year-old sister Serena in one of the most eagerly anticipated Wimbledon matches in years
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1933 [68] In 1st MLB “All-Star Game”, American League wins 4-2 as Babe Ruth connects for 1st “All-Star” home run at Chicago’s Comiskey Park
1983 [18] Fred Lynn of California Angels hits 1st grand slam in MLB “All-Star Game”
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1928 [73] Worlds largest hailstone, measuring 1 ½ lbs and 17″ in diameter, falls in Potter NE
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Macaroni Day
[Sat] National Strawberry Sundae Day
[Sun] Barn Day
[Sun] Video Games Day
[Mon] National Blonde Day
[Mon] Nude Recreation Week begins
[Tues] MLB All-Star Game (Seattle)
Pleasure Week
Read An Almanac Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS INTERVIEW:
If you got a bang from all the fireworks this week, a company called Celebrate Life! offers you the chance to have your remains stuffed in a fireworks shell that will light up the sky for your family and friends. A basic ‘fireworks memorial’ costs a tad over 3-grand, much less than a traditional funeral. (My luck, it’d turn out to be a dud.)
NET: http://www.celebratelife.net
PHONER: 888-883-7060/858-271-4236 (Nick Drobnis, San Diego)
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Who was the 1st Canadian Major League Baseball player — Ontario’s Ferguson Jenkins, BC’s Larry Walker, or New Brunswick’s Bill Philips?
A: Saint John native Bill Philips, who joined Cleveland to play 1st base back in 1879.
Q: Which lasts longer — a firefly or the light bulb in your refrigerator?
A: Fireflies only live 3 weeks.
Q: Which of the “Three Stooges” were brothers?
A: ‘Curly’, ‘Moe’ and ‘Shemp’ Howard. ‘Larry’ Fine was unrelated.
BS TAG LINE:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
