Friday, June 20, 2003 Edition: #2568
More 100% Grade A Bull!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
SUNDAY Our Lady Peace’s “Innocent” and Treble Charger’s “Hundred Million” vie for ‘Best Video’ at the “2003 MuchMusic Video Awards” in Toronto (OLP leads nominations with 6) . . . SUNDAY Meat Loaf embarks on his final world tour, which will last 15 months, in Saratoga CA (he’ll then ‘devote himself to acting’, like he did in that screen classic “Spice World”) . . . Tommy Hilfiger is looking to buy Sweetface Fashion, the company that markets the J-Lo clothing line by Jennifer Lopez (fashion biz analysts say it’s to update Hilfiger’s image since his brand’s getting old & past its peak popularity) . . . Meantime, J-Lo has reportedly insisted London’s Madam Tussaud’s Museum shave 10 lbs off the butt of her waxwork figure as she thinks it’s too big & unflattering (Tussaud’s claims the dimensions are accurate) . . . “2 Fast, 2 Furious” star Paul Walker has TURNED DOWN $134 million to star in a trilogy of new “Superman” movies, saying he’s not motivated by money (geez, pick me pick me!) . . . Sharon Stone is in talks with David E Kelley about appearing in a series of episodes of his troubled TV show “The Practice” (to juice up ratings, all her scenes will be shot in a police interrogation room) . . . Chris Martin has penned a love song to fiancee Gwyneth Paltrow for the next Coldplay album (he apparently had trouble rhyming ‘bitch’) . . . “Us Weekly” reports Justin Timberlake is now romancing “Charlie’s Angels” star Cameron Diaz, saying they’ve been spotted bowling, and – at an LA burlesque club (he shoots, he scores!) . . . And 35-year-old former pop singer (Wilson Phillips) and current “Fame” judge Carnie Wilson has lost a total of 150 lbs (about half of herself), making her confident enough to pose for an upcoming edition of “Playboy” magazine (will the rest of her be in a second fold-out?).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Ang Lee’s $150-million comic book adaptation “The Hulk” stars relative unknown Eric Bana
(“Black Hawk Down”) as ‘Bruce Banner’, the man who transforms into an angry green giant when under stress as a result of a geneticist’s experiment gone bad . . . “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson & runner-up Justin Guarini star in “From Justin to Kelly”, a musical about 2 students (coincidentally named ‘Kelly’ & ‘Justin’) who fall in love during Spring Break in Miami Beach (talk about an assembly line – the movie went from concept to completion in record time, about 2-and-a-half months, and the home video release is already scheduled for 12 weeks from now) . . . Luke Wilson & Kate Hudson star in the romantic comedy “Alex & Emma”, as a troubled author with writer’s block who owes a hundred-grand to Cuban loan sharks and the talkative, strong-willed stenographer he hires to help him complete his novel.
WHO’S HOTTEST?
“People” magazine’s latest list of the ‘25 Hottest Bachelors’ in TODAY’s issue includes “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell, “Matrix” actor Keanu Reeves, and Tom Hanks’ acting son Colin Hanks, but it’s leaving the #1 pick up to fans who can vote for either Britain’s Prince William (see BS Celebirthdays) or “Just Married” actor Ashton Kutcher.
NET: http://people.aol.com/people/index.html
POTTER-MANIA:
TONIGHT at midnight the 5th book in JK Rowling’s series, “Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix” will be released. The first printing entails some 6.8 million copies. Details of the book have been kept top secret, despite a forklift driver stealing pages from the printer LAST MONTH, and thieves making off with $220,000-worth of copies from a warehouse LAST WEEKEND. Rowling has leaked that one of the principal characters dies, a scene which ‘brought her to tears’. This book’s reportedly a-third-larger than the last, and carries a suggested Canadian retail price of $43, likely the highest price ever for a children’s novel. Note that the release date was set for a Saturday so ‘eager fans won’t skip school to buy it’.
BS ARTISTS:
A new art exhibition entitled “Scatalogue: 30 Years of Crap in Contemporary Art” has opened at Ottawa’s SAW Gallery. Yep, it’s an exhibition on the theme of – excrement. It includes soiled pants, freeze-dried dung, cow pie clocks, even a statue of former PM Brian Mulroney holding a piece of crap in his hand. Curator Stefan St-Laurent says the idea was to break the last remaining taboo in contemporary art. By the way, you’re paying for this crap – 75% of the gallery’s funding comes from the municipal, provincial and federal governments.
PHONER: 613-236-6181
2003 SWEATIEST CITIES IN AMERICA:
1. Phoenix AZ
2. Houston TX
3. Miami FL
Source: New ranking by Old Spice.
NET: http://www.oldspice.com
STYLE STATEMENT:
‘Plumber’s butt’, that blindingly pale patch of derriere that peeks out when a beefy plumber squats on the job, has become the ‘new cleavage’ in women’s wear. Low-rise jeans have apparently led to ‘booty poppin’ women. Fashion watchers say it may be a product of the pant, but it has now become stylish to ‘let your thong hang out’.
Source: “Cincinnati Enquirer”
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A 32-year-old Illinois man has been sentenced to 10 years behind bars for reckless driving after he crossed over a highway divider and slammed into an oncoming 18-wheeler, likely distracted by his 25-year-old girlfriend who was sitting on his lap … partially nude … enjoying sex … until she was killed. (Fortunately, in prison he’ll be able to find a new girlfriend.)
• An Indian couple will exchange Hindu marriage vows in a Bombay swimming pool as 250 guests watch from the deck on a giant video screen. Dress isn’t formal – the lovebirds will wear diving gear. (The groom says he isn’t coming up for air on the honeymoon either.)
• The Viper Room brothel in Brisbane, Australia is now offering a 5% discount – to retirees. Apparently men in their 60s, 70s, and 80s were complaining about the drain on their pensions. (And the really good news is you get a further 5% off if the ho’s over 80 too!)
• In order to settle an argument the Stewartfield, Scotland city council is funding the release of flies – at a landfill dump. Residents claim the dump is causing insect infestations in the summer, but the municipal government refuses to accept responsibility. So they‘re releasing 40,000 flies that are COLOR-CODED, which local volunteers will then try to collect with flypaper. (Um, this is pretty much a no-brainer – ‘dump’ … ‘flies’ … they kinda go together like … oh, I dunno … ‘morning show’ and ‘hangover’?)
THE BULL SHEET 06.20.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1942 [61] Brian Wilson, Inglewood CA, oldies singer/songwriter (Beach Boys-“Good Vibrations”, “Surfin’ USA”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1988)
1945 [58] Anne Murray, Springhill NS, CanCon oldies singer (“Snowbird”, “You Needed Me”)
1949 [54] Lionel Richie, Tuskegee AL, oldies singer (“All Night Long”, Commodores-“Easy”)/”American Idol” guest judge
1952 [51] John Goodman, Afton MO, movie actor (“Monsters Inc”, “O Brother Where Art Thou?”)/ex-TV actor (“Roseanne” 1988-97)
1953 [50] Cyndi Lauper, Brooklyn NY, oldies singer (“Time After Time”, Total Eclipse of the Heart”) FACTOID: Has been opening for Cher on her “Living Proof: Farewell Tour”.
1967 [36] Nicole Kidman, Honolulu HI, 5′-10″ movie actress (Oscar-“The Hours”, “Moulin Rouge”/ex-Mrs Tom Cruise UP NEXT: Co-stars with Anthony Hopkins in the drama “The Human Stain” opening SEPTEMBER 26th, then with Renee Zellweger & Jude Law in the Civil War drama “Cold Mountain” opening DECEMBER 25th.
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [53] Joey Kramer, Bronx NY, rock drummer (Aerosmith-“Jaded”, “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”)
1973 [30] Juliette Lewis, LA CA, movie actress (“Old School”, “Natural Born Killers”) COMING UP: Now shooting the bigscreen version of the classic TV show “Starsky & Hutch” with Ben Stiller & Owen Wilson, which she says is filled with ‘hilarious homoerotic overtones’.
1975 [28] Justin Cary, pop bassist (Sixpence None The Richer-“Don’t Dream It’s Over”, “Kiss Me”)
1976 [27] Mike Einziger, LA CA, rock guitarist (Incubus-“Wish You Were Here”, “Nice to Know You”)
1982 [21] Prince William (William Arthur Philip Louis Windsor), London ENG, 6-foot 2-inch blond, athletic & studly son of Prince Charles & Princess Diana/2nd-in-line to the British throne after his pop FACTOID: In honor of his 21st, the Royal Mail is releasing over 20 million commemorative stamps showing him in Scotland where he attends St Andrews University and at his father’s Highgrove estate, and the Royal Mint is releasing a commemorative coin that will be on sale throughout the summer.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TONIGHT at midnight it’s tee time on the tundra as the 56th annual “Midnight Classic Golf Tournament” tees off in Yellowknife NT, a unique all-night competition under the midnight sun with unusual hazards like thieving ravens, artificial greens & sand fairways.
PHONER: 867-873-4326 (Yellowknife Golf Club)
TONIGHT the 98th annual Summer Solstice “Midnight Sun Baseball Classic” slides in to Fairbanks AK. The game begins at 10:30 pm WITHOUT artificial lights, because these days Alaskans are enjoying 22 hours of direct sunlight daily.
PHONER: 907-451-0095 (Alaska Goldpanners)
NET: http://www.goldpanners.com/midnight_sun_game.html
TODAY is the last day of Spring as TOMORROW the “Summer Solstice” at 3:10pm EDT begins Summer. It’s the ‘Longest Day of the Year’ in the Northern Hemisphere and the 1st day of the Zodiac sign ‘Cancer the Crab’. Down under in the Southern Hemisphere, it’s the 1st day of Winter.
TODAY is the 5th annual “Take Your Dog to Work Day”, sponsored by ‘Pet Sitters International’ to give dog owners the opportunity to invite their ‘best friend’ into participating workplaces. Are there jobs where you SHOULDN’T take your dog to work? Neurosurgery, perhaps? (Fortunately, thanks to your SFX library, you can take your dog to work whether you’re allowed to or not.)
NET: http://www.petsit.com/tydtwd/default.asp
TOMORROW the opening ceremonies for the “11th Special Olympics World Summer Games” in Dublin IRE will feature U2, the Corrs, and the largest group of Riverdancers to ever perform together.
TOMORROW is “National Aboriginal Day” in Canada, established in 1996 by Indian & Northern Affairs Canada as a day to learn more about the Aboriginal cultural heritages of Canada. Scores of events are planned across the country.
NET: http://www.ainc-inac.gc.ca/nad/index_e.html
TOMORROW is “Aimless Wandering Day”. (Finally, someone’s taken interest in the story of my life.)
TOMORROW is “Baby Boomers Recognition Day”, a special day to commemorate the accomplishments of old farts everywhere.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1877 [126] 1st commercial telephone service in Canada (Hamilton ON)
1909 [94] 1st ‘hot air balloon honeymoon’, in Cape Cod MA (“If the airship’s rockin’ . . .”)
1914 [89] ‘Noxema’ skin cream is introduced (named because it ‘knocks eczema’ out)
1987 [16] 1st album by female artist to debut at #1 (Whitney Houston’s “Whitney”)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Vegan World Day
[Sat] World Toe Wrestling Championships (Wetton UK)
[Mon] Pink Day
[Mon] Let It Go Day
[Tues] Discovery Day (NL)
[Tues] Fête Nationale or St-Jean-Baptiste Day (QC)
[Tues] Columnists Day
This Week Is . . . Physical Therapy Week
This Month Is . . . Frozen Yogurt Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MALE OR FEMALE?
Many non-living things are referred to as female, ie: “SHE’s a good ship.” But how do we determine the gender of inanimate objects anyway? Here are a few suggestions –
• Ziploc Bags – Male, because they hold everything in but you can always see right through them.
• Swiss Army Knife – Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
• Kidneys – Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
• Shoe – Male, because it is usually unpolished with its tongue hanging out.
• Copier – Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm up. Also because it’s an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed but it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
• Tire – Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
• Hot Air Balloon – Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it.
• Sponges – Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
• Web Page – Female, because it is always getting hit on.
• Subway – Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
• Hourglass – Female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
• Hammer – Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it’s handy to have around.
• Remote Control – Surprise! Female, because it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push – he keeps trying!
BS HERE OR HEREAFTER?
Are the following famous acting greats stiff or still kickin’?
• Jane Russell (“Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”) [Alive and 82 TOMORROW.]
• Gregory Peck (“To Kill a Mockingbird”) [Just kicked JUNE 12th.]
• Dick Van Dyke (“Mary Poppins”) [Alive & 77.]
• Moe Howard (“The Three Stooges”) [Dead ya knucklehead, way back in 1975.]
• Gene Wilder (“Willy Wonka”) [Alive at 68.]
• Fay Wray (“King Kong”) [Alive at 95.]
• Jim Varney (“Ernest Goes to Camp”) [Died 2000.]
• Jean Stapleton (“All in the Family”) [Alive & 80.]
• Fred Gwynne (“The Munsters”) [Died 1993.]
• Mister Ed [real name was ‘Gold Coast’, he died in 1979 at age 34.]
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• The American Medical Association has come up with a new questionnaire to test if you’re too old to be driving. The first question: Do you have to squint to see the nun on your windshield?
• You should always pack your ugliest clothes when you travel by air. That way, if you pick up the wrong bag at the airport, you’ll be better off.
• This program doesn’t need a producer, it needs a fumigator.
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the all-time best cover or remix of a song?”
WEB GOODIE:
Check here for the release of “Forbes” annual ‘Celebrity 100′ list, the top-earning celebs over the past year (due to be released THURSDAY evening).
NET: http://www.forbes.com
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Almost one-third of us say we prefer to do THIS face-to-face.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Banking.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Never part without kinds words, they may be your last.
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