Monday, June 2, 2003 Edition: #2554
Ahhhh, It’s Your Daily Bovine Colonic!
Moanday, the day when everyone complains about being back at work.
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “Daily Dish” reports that Renee Zellweger has scored the biggest deal of her career to appear in a sequel to “Bridget Jones’s Diary”. Producers of “Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason” were so desperate to sign her they upped their bid to – whoa! – $22.5 million. She only took home $3.75 million for the first movie.
• “E! Online” reports that Sean “P Diddy” Combs is going up against heavy-hitters Ralph Lauren and Michael Kors for the ‘Menswear Designer of the Year’ award at TONIGHT’S Council of Fashion Designers of America gala. Meantime, Nicole Kidman will pick up the 2003 ‘Fashion Icon Award’.
• 40-year-old actress Demi Moore has been showing her new lover the high life on P Diddy’s yacht, says “Daily Dish”. Demi has been romancing a string of younger men including Owen Wilson, Tobey Maguire & Colin Farrell. Now she’s whisked her latest, 25-year-old actor Ashton Kutcher, off to Bermuda where they boarded Diddy’s yacht and cruised to Paradise Island.
• “Hollywood Reporter” notes that NBC-TV’s “For Love or Money” debuts TONIGHT, a new relationship-based reality show similar to “Joe Millionaire” with a twist – the woman chosen at the end will receive $1 million unbeknownst to her suitor. (But the outcome will be the same – she’ll dump him and never see him again.)
• If you believe “National Enquirer” Bill Clinton has been caught on videotape having sex in a pickup truck with a department store clerk. The tab claims foes of Hillary Clinton are in an all-out race to obtain the tape and use it to ‘torpedo her political career’. (Wow, so Bill Clinton had an affair. In other news, the sun rose this morning …)
• London’s “Sun” reports that Jennifer Lopez was offered 1st-class airfare and 5 nights in a top hotel for herself, Ben Affleck and her entourage, plus a $25,000 appearance fee to be the promotional face at YESTERDAY’s “Monaco Grand Prix” in Monte Carlo. Organizers were reportedly slack-jawed when she came back with a counter-offer – $400,000. They said bon voyage and used supermodels Naomi Campbell and Helena Christensen instead. By the way, stupormodel Campbell is trying to sell her “Lady in Blue” yacht, the one where she held her much ballyhooed recent birthday party. If you’re interested, she’s looking for $23 million.
• And don’t start a tag day for the Afflecks yet. Britain’s trashy “OK!” magazine has offered Jen & Ben $1.5 million for the rights to cover their wedding.
• “Las Vegas Sun” says the Venetian Hotel & Casino is hoping to cash in on Michael Jackson’s money troubles – by luring him to appear in a grand-scale, long-term production for big bucks, much like Celine Dion at rival hotel Caesar’s. And they may just luck in because Jackson’s a big fan of the hotel – it’s where he blew a wad last November on that shopping spree filmed for the TV documentary.
• “Weekly World News” offers these ‘breaking stories’ – “Artists Turn Living Women Into Furniture!”, “Mysterious S-O-S Coming from Titanic … 91 Years after It Sank!”, “Iraq’s Nuclear Warheads Are in France!”, and “Saddam’s Chemical Weapons Found in Cuba … Castro’s Poison Gas Cigars Already in Miami!”.
ESCARGOT SOON TO BE ESCAR-GONE:
A Brazilian mayor is offering food and bicycles to the people who bring him the most snails. “Snail Hunting Day” was created in the town of Ubatuba because the soaring African snail population is out of control. The snails were first bred for human consumption but have no natural predators. The city’s authorities, concerned about the possible health consequences, decided to offer prizes to people who catch the most.
TO UNHAVE & UNHOLD:
It’s “Weddings Month”, a happy time for many but a really tough time for brides who decide to call off the wedding. Rachel Safier’s new book “There Goes the Bride” offers tips on the best way to do in a wedding –
• Do it quickly and make it a clean break.
• Return the engagement ring and any engagement gifts.
• Don’t fight over mutual friends, keep the one you had before the relationship.
• Don’t see your ex-fiancé again.
(Yeah, but what do you say to mom? Every bride knows it’s not her wedding – it’s her mother’s!)
WHO’S THE GREEN THUMB IN THE FAMILY?
Stats show that about 60% of us have a lawn or garden, but here’s the difference between the sexes – the majority of the mowing, weeding, fertilizing, pruning and mulching is done by men, but when it comes to planting flowers … that’s usually done by women.
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Six Russian men are suffering from alcohol poisoning after going on a week-long vodka binge – to ward off SARS. The men thought vodka would protect them from Chinese workers at a nearby building site. Doctors say it will take a week for them to recover.
• Failed British company The Accident Group has just sacked 2,500 employees – by text message on their mobile phones.
• An error by a bank has ended a Brazilian couple’s 35-year marriage. Maria Rodriguez filed for divorce after her bank mistakenly reported her husband Luiz had a joint account with another woman. Despite the bank quickly straightening out the error, Maria says she won’t get back with her ex-.
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• Psychologists say 69% of all quarrels involve couples who argue about the same thing over and over and over again.
• According to “The Millionaire Next Door” by Thomas Stanley & William Danko, an estimated 85% of millionaires are self-made.
THE BULL SHEET 06.02.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [62] Charlie Watts, Islington ENG, wrinkle-rock drummer (Rolling Stones-“Satisfaction”) FACTOID: 39 years ago TODAY (1964) the Stones kicked off their 1st US tour at a high school football stadium in Lynn MA.
1952 [51] Gary Bettman, NYC, NHL commissioner since 1993/former NBA executive
1954 [49] Dennis Haysbert, San Mateo CA, TV actor (President David Palmer-“24″)
1955 [48] Dana Carvey, Missoula MT, movie actor (“The Master of Disguise”, “Wayne’s World”)/ex-comic (“The Dana Carvey Show”, “SNL”)
1960 [43] Kyle Petty, Randleman NC, 3rd-generation NASCAR driver who’s Richard’s son, Lee’s grandson and father of late driver Adam Petty
1972 [31] Wayne Brady, Orlando FL, TV host (2003 Daytime Emmy-“The Wayne Brady Show”, “Whose Line Is It Anyway?)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[International] “Cancer Survivors Day”
TODAY is “National Rocky Road Day”, which either has to do with a favorite flavor of ice cream or a career in radio.
TODAY is “Yell Fudge At The Cobras in North America Day”. To keep the poisonous snakes off the continent, you’re supposed to go outdoors at noon and yell ‘fudge!’ (Seems to be working!)
TODAY’s “Procession of the Golden Chariot” in Mons, Belgium commemorates eradication of the plague in 1349. They’ll re-enact St George fighting a dragon in the town square this afternoon.
10 YEARS AGO . . .
1993 Ban on all tobacco products announced by minor league baseball (the reason few major leaguers are chewing tobacco these days)
6 YEARS AGO . . .
1997 PM Jean Chrétien easily wins re-election
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1800 [203] 1st ‘small pox vaccination’ (Trinity NL)
1835 [168] 1st major 3-ring circus in America (no not Congress – PT Barnum)
1886 [117] 1st (& only) US President to marry in the White House (Grover Cleveland)
1896 [107] Guglielmo Marconi patents 1st ‘radio’ (hey, thanks for the gig, Gug!)
1952 [51] Debut of Canadian television (test pattern on Channel 2 Montréal)
1953 [50] 1st ‘televised coronation’ of a monarch (Queen Elizabeth II is crowned in Westminster Abbey some 16 months after the death of her father, King George VI)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1999 [04] Shania Twain’s “Come On Over” album certified for sales of 11 million copies in the USA, the best-selling album by a female artist in any genre & best-selling country album of all time (sales now total 36 million worldwide – the reason she lives in a Swiss chateau)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues-Sat] North By Northeast Festival (Toronto)
[Wed] Old Maid’s Day
[Thurs-Sun] 32nd Nashville Fan Fair
[Thurs] 2003 MTV Movie Awards
[Friday] Donut Day
[Friday] “2 Fast 2 Furious” opens in theaters
THIS WEEK IS . . .
International Volunteer Week
Step Parents Week
Fishing Week
Headache Awareness Week
Small Business Week
Nursing Assistants Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit some people are called ‘Caucasian’? Where exactly is Caucasia?
• Whyzit no female ever likes the hair that she was born with?
• Whyzit ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing?
• Whyzit when they re-format a movie for television, they know what size of TV you have?
• Whyzit the only time you hear the word ‘merry’ is with the word ‘Christmas’? Nobody ever says ‘Have a merry weekend’.
• Whyzit whenever you’re backing out of a parking spot there’s always someone behind you backing out of theirs?
• Whyzit scientists call it REsearch when they are looking for something new?
• Whyzit a piano player is called a ‘pianist’ but a race car driver isn’t called a ‘racist’?
BS NAME THAT NOISE:
Find the morning crew member who’s completely tone deaf. Play a secret song to him or her through headphones and have them ‘la la la’ along to it on-air. The listener who correctly guesses the tune first wins.
BS NAME THAT SMELL:
Find locations in your area with highly identifiable pungent aromas, then challenge listeners on their local olfactory awareness – “Let’s pretend you’re at (intersection, park, address, etc) and you roll down your car window. Now, name that smell!”
BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
A woman murdered her husband, stands trial and is found guilty. Even though there was a witness and she even confessed to the murder, the law cannot punish her. She will not go to jail. In fact, they must set her free. Why? (The woman is a Siamese twin. Her twin is innocent.)
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Lots of us have been stuck in elevators, but where’s the weirdest place you’ve gotten stuck?”
• “Who’s face would you like to see on our money?”
• “What are the stinkiest places to live near?” (According to a poll in “Almanac of the Gross”, the top 5 stinkers are – asphalt-processing plant, waste incinerator, wastewater treatment plant, pig farm, and paint & varnish plant.
BS INTERVIEW:
In an attempt to raise awareness of sleep disorders such as narcolepsy, sleep apnea, insomnia and restless leg syndrome, Tom Wilson, the self-proclaimed ‘King of Sleep’, is attempting to “Sleep Across America”. He’s traveling in a special customized SleepMobile eastward from Los Angeles, but only while sleeping. Whenever he wakes up, the vehicle must stop. The idea is to set a record cross-country time during Z-times! TODAY he is sleeping toward Salt Lake City.
PHONER: 323-662-7976 (Adele Baughn, Project Manager)
NET: http://www.sleepacrossamerica.com
BS BLATANT JOKE:
… that’s Avril Lavigne who wears a heckuva lot of eye makeup. This time of morning she must look like a panda!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: About 25% of women have this special ability and it apparently drives men wild.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: They can tie a knot in a cherry stem in their mouths.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW:
Welcome aboard to this week’s BS samplers that include James Haggart @ 99.3 FM Sturgeon Falls ON, Melissa Esparza @ WGMR Tyrone PA, William Barker @ WLLD St Petersburg FL, Ted Yates @ CKPC Brantford ON, and Tunji Otun @ Glovicot Media, Lagos, NIgeria.
