Wednesday, June 27, 2001 Edition: #2086
BS REALLY ROTTEN SUMMER CAMPS FOR KIDS:
• Roadkill Culinary Camp
• Father Larry’s Naturalist Altar Boy Camporee
• Camp Itchibug of Muskoka
• Amish Computer Camp
• Lil’ Toiler Textile Mill & Summer Camp
• Incontinent Palomino Trail Riding Camp
• Bring-Your-Mommy Sissy-Boy Camp
• Skeeter Camp of the Canadian North
• Mr & Mrs Cranky’s Camp for Kids Whose Parents Don’t Love Them, Don’t Want Them Around, and Won’t Even Pay for a Halfway Decent Camp
• Tommy Lee’s Learn-to-Swim or Else Camp
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Calgary playwright Eugene Stickland is working with the Ground Zero theater company to develop a male answer to the wildly successful stage production “Vagina Monologues”, to be called — “Cocktales” (men don’t speak with their privates, they THINK with them) . . . A new British reality show is seeking 25 fit young men to relive life in the hellish trenches of World War I, enduring rats, maggots, dirt and tear gas — for no prize whatsoever because it’s a BBC ‘documentary’ (sounds like life in [you co-host’s] apartment building) . . . Destiny’s Child hottie Beyoncé Knowles says she found out ‘N Sync singer Justin Timberlake’s a ‘good kisser’ while making out at a party, but don’t be expecting a Beyoncé/Britney catfight anytime soon — it was BEFORE Justin and Spears agreed to be steadies (or co-virgins or whatever they are) . . . And because we really care, ‘N Sync’s JC Chasez tells teen mag “J-14″ he never dons the same pair of underwear or socks twice, just wears ‘em once and throws ‘em out (how wasteful! [your co-host] recycles everything he wears – even condoms).
IS SHAQUILLE O’NEAL VACATIONING IN CANADA?
Monstrous 14-inch footprints have been found on Northern Ontario’s Peawanuck Reserve that locals attribute to a huge apelike ‘Bigfoot’ creature. (Word is NBC is looking to sign up the big guy along with India’s ‘Monkey Man’ and Chile’s ‘Dog Boy’ for a new reality show called “The Missing Link”.)
PHONER: 705-473-2593 (Peawanuck Radio Station)
SQUASH BAN SQUASHED:
While officials are concerned referees might find it difficult to concentrate on the play, the Women’s International Squash Players’ Association (WISPA) has decided NOT to introduce a new rule that bans the wearing of thongs. The issue was raised earlier THIS MONTH at the British Open when 23-year-old UK player Vicky Botwright had to be politely asked not to wear her thong on court. (Haven’t heard of her? She’s one of the game’s crack competitors!)
CAN YOU MARRY ONE?
Japan’s NEC Corp has developed a robot called PaPeRo (‘Partner-Type Personal Robot’) that’s capable of understanding 650 phrases and speaking 3,000. It can also recognize up to 10 humans either visually or from voices, makes small talk, dances, tells riddles and sings, all with natural facial expressions. (Meaning it’s acting abilities exceed Kevin Costner’s.)
IMPORTED POWDER:
The air temp may be above 100 degrees F, but the Middle East country of Dubai is planning to open “Snow World” in order to lure visitors. The massive tent-shaped attraction in Dubai’s central park will offer skis, toboggans and winter jackets to patrons before sending them down a 150-ft ski slope. To pull off the snowy attraction, the country will import more than 400 TONS of the white stuff. (When Robert Downey heard about it, he immediately applied for a tourist visa.)
SCORING DRUGS:
The new board game “Dollars and Dibble” is similar to “Monopoly” except that instead of real estate moguls, players compete to become cocaine barons. The goal is to buy and sell drugs at a profit and the game includes pens resembling hypodermic syringes for keeping score. The publicity blurb says: “Can you support your heroin habit on a diet of mugging and household theft? If not, then make connections and move on up. You could be a top drug dealer or master criminal.” (By the way, a life-size version of the game can be played in [local seedy area’].)
MICE HAVE TINY BALLS:
Here’s a rare case of recycling in professional sport – used balls from the Wimbledon tennis tournament now on in England will be donated to an environmental organization which will cut them in half and use them as artificial nests for the endangered Harvest Mouse, the UK’s smallest mammal. (In a similar move, the NBA has announced it will recycle halved basketballs to make bras for Angelina Jolie.)
BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE:
Where’s the best place to sit in a movie theater? Experts say the best place to experience the sound system is one-third of the way up from the rear exit, a few seats from the center. The reason? Most sound technicians check audio levels from the center seat about two-thirds of the way back from the screen, and since the sound is equalized for the center, you want to sit slightly off-center to enhance the stereo effect. (One exception to the rule is the gruelingly dull “Pearl Harbor”, where the best location in the theater is a cot in the projectionist’s booth.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.27.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [70] Charles Bronfman, Montréal PQ, former Seagrams mogul/Edgar Bronfman Jr’s uncle
1959 [42] Lorrie (Loretta Lynn) Morgan, Hendersonville TN, country singer (“Gonna Leave The Lights On”, “Out of Your Shoes”)/soon-to-be Mrs Sammy Kershaw (her 5th marriage)
1967 [34] Sylvie Frechette, Montréal PQ, Canadian Swimming Hall of Fame synchronized swimmer (‘92 Olympic Gold, ‘96 Silver)
1971 [30] Jimmy Kemp, Potomac MD, CFL QB (Toronto Argonauts)
1975 [26] Tobey Maguire, Santa Monica CA, movie actor (“Wonder Boys”, “The Cider House Rules”) NEXT FILM: His big break — plays ‘Spider-Man/Peter Parker’ in the bigscreen version of “Spider-Man”, coming MAY 2002
1976 [25] Leigh Nash, New Braunfels TX, pop singer (“Need to Be Next to You”, Sixpence None the Richer-“Kiss Me”)
1991 [10] Madylin Sweeten, Brownwood TX, TV actress (Ally Barone-“Everybody Loves Raymond”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Sunglasses Day”. Shades as we know them today are a 20th Century phenomenon. In the 1930s, the military commissioned glasses that would protect pilots from
sun glare. But they didn’t become a real fad until the 1960s when an ad campaign asked, “Who’s Behind those Foster Grants?”.
Dozens of gophers are being caught and assigned names in preparation for THIS WEEKEND’S annual “World Super Gopher Derby” in Eston SK. It’s such a landmark event for the town, they erected a statue of a giant 8-ft gopher on the main street in 1987.
PHONER: 306-962-4444
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1924 [77] Parliament approves formation of ‘United Church of Canada’ from Methodist, Presbyterian and Congregational churches
1929 [72] 1st color TV demonstrated (it only takes 40 years to catch on)
1980 [21] “O Canada” unanimously accepted by House of Commons and Senate as Canada’s national anthem, with ‘special allowance for possible changes of words’ (most of us change ‘em every time we sing it)
1994 [07] 1st music release on the Internet (Aerosmith-“Head First”)
2000 [01] 1st ever ‘underwater leg’ of an Olympic torch relay, through Australia’s Great Barrier Reef on way to Sydney
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1949 [52] Largest Canadian majority government in history as Louis St Laurent’s Liberals win 191 seats to 41 for Conservatives, 13 for CCF and 10 for Social Credit
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Meteor Day
[Sun] Canada Day (no BS service MONDAY)
[July 13] Friday the 13th
National Camping Week
Adopt-A-Cat Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TODAY is “Decide To Be Married Day”, focusing on the joys of the ball and chain. So here’s the . . .
BS NEWLYWED DICTIONARY:
• BRIDE – a woman who looks happy but isn’t — the look is triumph.
• HUSBAND – what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been removed.
• KISSING — a method of getting two people so close together that they can’t possibly see anything wrong with each other.
• MARRIAGE – a process much like a cafeteria — you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best — and pay later.
• SEX DRIVE — a physical craving which appears at puberty and ends at marriage.
• TRUE LOVE – a temporary insanity curable by marriage.
• WIFE – a person who only lasts as long as a marriage — an ex-wife is forever.
• SMART WIFE – one who makes her husband feel as if he is head of the house when, in reality, he is only chairman of the entertainment committee.
• SMART HUSBAND — one who thinks twice before saying nothing.
(Source: “Quinn’s Devious Dictionary”)
BS TAG LINE:
When success turns your head, you’re facing failure.
