Thursday, June 21, 2001        Edition: #2082
Give me ambiguity or give me something else!

BS SIGNS YOU’RE JUST NOT READY FOR SUMMER:
• Used up all your bikini wax polishing your snowboard.
• Your belly has more rolls than Pillsbury.
• Still trying to untangle the Christmas lights from the Weedwacker.
• Putting on last year’s bathing suit requires Vaseline and a shoe horn.
• The sun’s reflection off your phosphorescent white skin actually damaged one of the International Space Station’s solar panels.
• Still hung over from Spring Break.
(Thanks to Chris White)

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Jay Leno does the “Tonight Show” with ‘minimal lighting’ as a stunt playing off the California energy crisis (we always knew he was a dim-wit) . . . Due to protests from the fundamentalist group ‘Citizens for Peace & Respect’ over his appearance in Denver TONIGHT, Marilyn Manson says he’ll pepper his show with Bible verses telling ‘Christian’ stories of disease, murder, adultery, suicide and child sacrifice (the guy’s not as dumb as he looks) . . . TONIGHT the new “Tough Enough” reality show debuts (hey, there’s one-a-day), a co-production of the WWF and MTV which follows the antics of 13 pro-wrestler wannabes as they live, train and wrastle together (add some cheerleaders and Jell-O and you’d have something!) . . . “Playboy” mag has confirmed that “Survivor 2″ bitch Jerri Manthey will show off her assets in the SEPTEMBER issue (the biggest being her mouth) . . . FOX-TV is now taking auditions for round two of “Temptation Island” (“TI-2″) with one of the contestant requirements being ‘feeling comfortable wearing a bathing suit’ (but you’re more likely to get on the show if you’re comfortable NOT wearing a bathing suit) . . . In an admirable show of taste, a planned Norwegian version of “Temptation Island” has attracted only 6 applicants.

‘N SPACE:
The Russian version of the Backstreet Boys, a pretty-boy group called Na Na, is bidding to become the 1st boy-band in orbit. They’ve already completed a cosmonaut training course and have the backing of Russia’s Culture Minister Mikhail Shvydkoi. A music producer hatched the idea of a concert from space. (We’re in favor of putting ALL the boy-bands on NASA’s next Mars probe.)

ANIMAL ATTRACTION:
‘Komo’, the Komodo dragon that bit the toes of Sharon Stone’s husband Phil Bronstein during a private “Fathers Day” visit LAST WEEK, has become one of the biggest attractions at the Los Angeles Zoo. (They’ve invited Phil back to pee in the lion cage.)

BOOB-AID:
A pair of breast implants is being auctioned for charity in New Zealand. An Auckland cosmetic surgeon is offering the breast enhancements as one of the auction items. (Now there’s that unique contest prize you were looking for!)

WORLD WIDE WEB:
“New York Times” notes that 100 MILLION MILES of fiber optics have been laid around-the-world in just the past 2 years – that’s enough to reach the Sun! But thanks to the crash and burn of dot-com companies, only about 5% of it is actually being used. (Making it as useless as a fat guy’s belt.)
    
DISC DESTROYER:
Scientists have discovered a fungus in Belize that eats away all the aluminum in CDs, making them unplayable. (Soon to be marketed to parents of Britney Spears’ fans.)

SPEAKING IN TONGUES:
According to a new UN study, 2 out of every 3 children around-the-world are now being raised to speak 2 or more languages — a dramatic increase over the last century. (The average kid can now say ‘like’, ‘y’know?’ and ‘so she goes . . .” in several dialects.)

BACHELOR OF CATASTROPHES:
Britain’s Lincolnshire & Humberside University is set to offer the world’s 1st degree in
‘disaster studies’. (Among the topics – the Canadian Alliance Party.)

FOOD STAMPS:
The federal government has set out new rules for mandatory nutrition labels on most
 food products sold in Canada. (From now on, the label on Joe Louis cakes will be blank.)

THE BULL SHEET 06.21.01

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1950 [51] Joey Kramer, Bronx NY, rock drummer (Aerosmith-“Jaded”, “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”)

1951 [50] Nils Lofgren, Chicago IL, rock guitarist/singer/songwriter (E Street Band)

1959 [42] Kathy Mattea, Cross Lane WV, country singer (“Eighteen Wheels & a Dozen Roses”)

1973 [28] Juliette Lewis, LA CA, movie actress (“From Dusk Till Dawn”, “Natural Born Killers”)

1982 [19] Prince William (William Philip Arthur Louis Windsor)/nicknamed ‘Wills’, London ENG, studly son of Charles & Diana and heir to the British throne

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Halifax NS] “Founding Day” (1749)

TODAY is the “1st Day of Summer” with the Summer Solstice at 3:38 am EDT. It’s the “Longest Day of the Year” in the Northern Hemisphere and the 1st day of the Zodiac sign ‘Cancer the Crab’.

TODAY is “National Aboriginal Day” in Canada, with scores of events planned across the country.
NET: http://www.aboriginalday.com/events.html

TODAY is “Aimless Wandering Day”. (Finally, someone’s taken interest in the story of my life.)

TODAY is “Baby Boomers Recognition Day”, a special day to commemorate the accomplishments of old farts everywhere.

ON THIS DAY . . .
2000  Queen Elizabeth hosts reception to mark Prince William’s 18th birthday, the Queen Mother’s 100th (August), Princess Margaret’s 70th (August); Princess Anne’s 50th (August); and Prince Andrew’s 40th (February)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1879 [122] 1st ‘Five & Dime’ store opened by Frank Woolworth (forerunner of the ‘buck store’)

1948 [53] 1st 33⅓ rpm ‘LP record’ introduced (something to tell your kids about)

1957 [44] Canada’s 1st woman cabinet minister, Ellen Fairclough of Hamilton, is appointed Secretary of State (paving the way for Hamilton’s Sheila Copps, Minister of Mouth)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
2000 [01] World’s ‘longest bench’, unveiled at flower show in Japan, measures 1,832 ft and seats 900 people (the next day, the world’s largest collection of chewing gum wads is found underneath)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Take Your Dog to Work Day
[Sun] St Jean-Baptiste Day (aka ‘Slag the Anglophones Day’)
[Sun] Gay Pride Day
National Forgiveness Week
Recycling Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Where’s the strangest place you’ve ‘done it’?” (Love in the wild outdoors or in a sauna top the list of sexual fantasies in a new Finnish online survey.)

BS QUICK PICKS:
• 68% of professional hockey players have this in common — they have a million-dollar salary, they have a missing tooth, or they kiss their sticks for good luck? (They’ve lost at least one tooth.)
• Even if you cut off its head, this can live for several weeks – a cockroach, a caterpillar, or a husband? (Cockroach.)
• On what article of clothing would you find something called a ‘keeper’ — boxers, bra, or belt? (It’s the little leather loop that keeps the end of your belt in place after you pull it through the buckle.)
• What food sustains two-thirds of the world’s population — wheat, rice, or Kraft Dinner? (Rice, which has been cultivated for more than 5,000 years.)
• Which of the following is NOT a real book title –“Put Hemorrhoids and Constipation Behind You”, “Personal Grooming For Your Lower Regions”, or “I Knew 3000 Lunatics”. (No one has released a book on grooming your pubes – yet.)
• What part of your body has the thinnest skin — your eye lid, your wrist or your ego? (The eye lid, at less than 1/500ths of an inch thick.)
• This can kill your dog – chocolate, potato chips, or ‘Hump Day’? (Chocolate effects a dog’s heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small dog.)
• Processed food inventor Ralph Miller has died at age 73. What did he invent – ‘Spaghetti-Os’, ‘Chunky Soup’, or ‘Prego Spaghetti Sauce’? (Actually he’s to blame for ALL of them.)

BS TAG LINE:
Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

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