Tuesday, June 5, 2001 Edition: #2070
MEN ARE LIKE . . .
Parking Spots – The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.
Mascara – They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Cement – After getting laid, they take a long, long time to get hard.
Photocopiers – You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
Bananas – The older they get, the less firm they are.
Government Bonds – They take way too long to mature.
Lava Lamps – Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Snowstorms — You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long they’ll last.
Popcorn – They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Vacations – They never seem to be long enough.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY shopaholic Elton John liquidates some assets at a Christie’s auction in London, including 19 cars valued at about $1.5 million – from a Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud nicknamed ‘Daisy’ to an Aston Martin named ‘The Beast’, painted in Watford Football Club colors (which he also used to own before he blew his fortune on flowers) . . . TODAY Eminem is scheduled to be sentenced — again — this time on weapons charges that he’s already pleaded ‘no contest’ to (should celebrity repeat offenders keep getting off easy?) . . . TODAY Dominic Chianese, who plays crotchety patriarch ‘Uncle Junior’ on “The Sopranos”, releases his first music CD on the Canadian-based Madacy label, singing standards like “Amazing Grace”, “Guantanamera”, and “Santa Lucia” (unlike the TV show, no hits are expected) . . . Word is Charlie Sheen has picked up on the latest Hollywood craze of having dental fillings replaced with a mixture of gold and diamonds, believed to be a ‘spiritual energizer’ (according to some zillionaire dentist) . . . Word is John Travolta has given his daughter Ella Bleu $1 million for her 1st birthday (like all toddlers, she promptly stuck it in her mouth and gummed it into an unrecognizable ball of goo) . . . And Ike Turner tells “GQ” magazine he’d like to someday tour with ex-wife Tina (let’s see – he’s 70, she’s retired and can’t stand his guts because he used to beat her — Ike, give your drug-addled head a shake!).
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Ang Lee’s “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, which has won a slew of awards, the latest being ‘Best Fight’ at the “2001 MTV Movie Awards” for the scene where Zhang Ziyi bashes an entire barroom full of bad guys . . . And a whole whack of ‘special edition’ DVDs of classics, including “The Fugitive”. “Platoon”, “The Graduate” and “The Muppet Movie”.
GROANING GRANNIES:
Residents of Sun City West, Arizona are outraged by a group of horny seniors that has been routinely having sex — outdoors. They’ve been spotted at least a dozen times boinking in public pools, on golf courses, park benches and in parking lots.
BS SIGNS OF SEXUALLY ACTIVE SENIORS:
• Pair of edible Depends found on park bench.
• Influx of old men admitted to ER complaining of ‘denture-burn’.
• Granny found handcuffed to her walker.
• Craftmatic adjustable bed set for ‘doggy style’.
HE LOVED “FREDDY GOT FINGERED”:
After an exposé by “Newsweek“, Sony Pictures has admitted movie critic David Manning of “The Ridgefield Press” who’s been quoted in many of its movie ads is TOTALLY FICTITIOUS, and will be abolished immediately. (But how many real critics receive ‘considerations’ for positive reviews?)
G’BYE!
A UK man is threatening to leave his wife whom he says is obsessed with “The Weakest Link”, dressing in host Anne Robinson’s trademark black leather and glasses and constantly putting him down. (We’re guessing she’d get lots of action from a classified ad in “S&M” magazine.)
HIGHER LEARNING HEADLINES:
• A striptease class offered at Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts is being forced to move off-campus because of complaints by school officials. (Unlike other classes, a double D is considered an excellent grade!)
• According to new research at the University of Florida, putting a miniature ‘Slinky’ inside the lungs of a cancer patient can help unblock bronchial passages. (However, placing an ‘Etch-A-Sketch’ inside the rectum of a hemorrhoid sufferer does nothing.)
• A team of Australian scientists at the University of South Wales is working on car parts that
will deteriorate after the vehicle is scrapped. While a variety of materials are being tested, researchers believe that hemp has the needed strength and durability. (Soon you’ll REALLY have to worry about your son ‘smoking the Subaru’.)
• And a 60-year Harvard University study published in the latest edition of the “American Journal of Psychiatry”, finds the secret to a long and happy life is — well, there isn’t one. (Pass the Prozac!)
THE BULL SHEET 06.05.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [62] Joe Clark, High River AB, leader of national Progressive Conservative party/youngest-ever Prime Minister at age 39 (1979-80)
1956 [45] Kenny G (Gorelick), Seattle WA, schmaltzy pop saxophonist (“Breathless”)
1969 [32] Brian McKnight, Buffalo NY, pop singer (“Back at One”)
1971 [30] Mark Wahlberg, Dorchester MA, movie actor (“The Perfect Storm”, “Boogie Nights”)/former musician (recorded 2 albums and toured as Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch) NEXT FILM: Stars in the remake of “Planet of the Apes”, opening JULY 27
1974 [27] P-nut, Omaha NE, rock bassist (311-“Prisoner”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Festival Of Popular Delusions Day”. Here’s a few you can add to . . .
• Real men can drink 6 beers without it affecting them.
• Wearing black is slimming.
• Kevin Costner can act.
• Radio listeners hang on every word you say.
TODAY one of the world’s strangest festivals is celebrated in Luxembourg. Each Whit Tuesday (after Whit Sunday) in the “Dancing Procession of Echternach”, more commonly known as the “Hopping Festival”, priests, townsfolk and pilgrims hop sideways through the town to the accompaniment of traditional music. They honour St Willibrord, who died there in 739. Originally the procession hopped 3 paces forward then 2 back, but it’s become so popular the crowd now hops forward only, alternating to the left and right. (“You put your left foot in, you take your left foot out . . .”)
TODAY is “World Environment Day”, as declared annually by the United Nations since 1972.
In conjunction with that observance, the ‘National Anxiety Center’ has declared TODAY the 3rd annual “Celebrate the Heat Day”, a day to sooth the public fear generated by what they call the ‘huge hoax of global warming’.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1998 [03] Volkswagen buys Rolls-Royce Motor Cars for $700 million
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1907 [94] 1st ‘automatic washer & dryer’ (next day, the first sock goes missing)
1967 [34] 1st NHL expansion announced, adding 6 new American teams for 1967-68 season
1977 [24] 1st ‘personal computer’ (Apple II)
1989 [12] 1st MLB game in ‘convertible stadium’ (Milwaukee Brewers beat Blue Jays 5-3 at Toronto’s new Skydome that features retractable roof)
1998 [03] 1st episode of steamy TV series “Sex and the City”, starring Sarah Jessica Parker
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Clean Air Day Canada
Nursing Assistants Week
National Headache Awareness Week
Cancer in the Sun Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
THE BS 5 SECOND GAME:
Phone contestant has 5 seconds to list each of the following . . .
• 5 Canadian pro sports teams.
• 5 spices you use in cooking.
• 5 countries in Asia.
• 5 kinds of ice cream.
• 5 things you keep in the garage.
DISCOVER THE GODDESS IN YOU:
Here’s a Website where you enter your first name and the letters of the name are used to create a description of the ‘real you’. Intended for women, but use men’s names for even more fun.
NET: http://www.gillettevenus.com/discover/discover.asp
BS TRIVIA:
Q: You are a labeorphilist (lay-bee-ORF-ill-ist). What do you collect — coupons, beer bottles, or sexual conquests?
A: Beer bottles.
BS TAG LINE:
Judge people by WHAT they are, not WHERE they are.
