Friday, June 2, 2000 Edition: #1821
BS SIGNS YOU ARE GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN:
• When you ‘slip into something more comfortable’, it’s usually sweat pants.
• Prostitutes regularly pay you NOT to have sex with them.
• People often say you bear a striking resemblance to ‘Mimi’ on “Drew Carey Show”.
• Often find yourself wondering, “Should there be cobwebs on my penis?”
• Your boyfriend dumped you for Chelsea Clinton.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Tomorrow they’ll hand out the 9th annual “MTV Movie Awards”, famous for unconventional categories like ‘Best Villain’ and ‘Best Kiss’, but we won’t see it till it airs next Thursday (“Spy Who Shagged Me” & “The Matrix” lead noms with 6 each) . . . From the ‘PLEASE GOD, NO!!!!’ dept – word is Kathie Lee Gifford is in talks to star in her own CBS-TV sitcom . . . Lawyers for Julia Roberts have successfully seized Web domain name ‘juliaroberts.com’, up until now a gathering spot for her fans (who are starting a new site called ‘thatbitch.com’) . . . “Millionaire” host Regis Philbin is writing a memoir called “Who Wants to Be Me?”, a ‘collection of his thoughts’ (can you write a book using a Teleprompter?).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Martin Lawrence plays an FBI agent who disguises himself as a full-figured Southern mammy in the comedy “Big Momma’s House” (setting race relations back 50 years) . . . The family flick “Running Free”, the tale of a horse’s life from the horse’s point of view, follows the adventures of ‘Lucky’ in remote Namibia.
ROSE REJECTED FROM REDS RALLY:
Tomorrow in Cincinnati, they’re holding a 25th anniversary reunion of one of the greatest-ever baseball teams, the legendary 1975 World Series Champion Reds nicknamed ‘The Big Red Machine’, which includes 3 Hall of Famers — Joe Morgan, Tony Perez & Johnny Bench. The only black mark on the celebration — baseball commissioner Bud Selig has decreed should-be Hall of Famer Pete Rose cannot participate. (How can you keep enforcing a suspension on OTB’s ‘Man of the Century’? C’mon, young gamblers NEED a role model!)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• UK’s Electrotextiles is developing a computer keyboard made of ‘smart fabric’ that eventually may be sewn into clothing. To use your PC in the future, you may be able to just sit down and start tapping on your lap (“Oh pardon me, I just needed to borrow your lap to answer e-mail”). They’re also making a necktie that functions as a mouse (enabling you to further look like a total moron).
• Scientists in Thailand have developed a way to turn human excrement into fuel. A newly-developed reactor blasts human waste with hot nitrogen gas, turning it into a high-grade fuel they’re calling ‘bio-oil’. (The downside is, if you get constipated in the winter, you freeze.)
• Over the past 3 months, some 30 people have sighted a gigantic reptile similar to the ‘Loch Ness Monster’ swimming in Florida’s Lake Okeechobee. The ‘Lake Okeechobee Monster’ is estimated to be 65 ft long, 10-15 ft longer than ‘Nessie’. (And the 30 members of the Everglades Area Tourism Association also hope that it will attract about 20% more curiosity-seekers.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.02.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [59] Charlie Watts, Islington ENG, wrinkle-rock drummer (Rolling Stones-Satisfaction)
1941 [59] Stacy Keach, Savannah GA, TV actor (plays Ken Titus in surprise-hit sitcom Titus)
1955 [45] Dana Carvey, Missoula MT, comedian/ex-TV actor (Dana Carvey Show, SNL)/movie actor (Wayne’s World) who just settled his $7.5 million law suit against a San Francisco heart surgeon who operated on wrong artery during double bypass
1960 [40] Kyle Petty, Randleman NC, 3rd-generation NASCAR driver who’s Richard’s son and Lee’s grandson and grieving father of recently killed driver Adam Petty
1970 [30] Paula Cale, Great Falls VA, TV actress (Joanie Hansen-Providence)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [75] Tony Curtis (Bernard Schwartz), Bronx NY, film actor (Some Like It Hot)/Jamie Lee Curtis’ dad/current wife (#5) Jill Vandenberg is 45 years younger than him
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1971 [29] Noah Wyle, Hollywood CA, TV actor (5 Emmy nominations as Dr John Carter-ER)/least favorite scene on ER was his mouth-to-mouth resuscitation of a dog in ‘94
1975 [25] Angelina Jolie, LA CA, movie actress (‘Best Supporting Actress’ Academy Award-Girl, Interrupted)/daughter of Academy Award-winning actor Jon Voight/new Mrs Billy Bob Thornton/“People Magazine” ‘50 Most Beautiful People’ 2000 list/her tattoos include dragon, letter ‘H’, Japanese symbol for death, two American Indian symbols, and a large black cross
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• Today is “National Rocky Road Day”, which either has to do with a favorite flavor of ice cream or my career in radio.
• The annual “Buffalo Chip Throwing Championship” hurls this weekend in Luverne MN. Is it all in the wrist action or what?
PHONER: 507-283-4061
• Sunday is “Old Maid’s Day”, initiated back in 1948 for unmarried women over age 35. Nowadays 35 is when a woman begins thinking about having kids.
• Sunday is “National Attitude Day”, honoring those who know who they are, what they stand for, and aren’t afraid to push a little to maintain their identity. (Also known as “Pain in the Ass Day”.)
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 [01] Shania Twain’s “Come On Over” album certified for sales of 11 million copies (the reason she now lives in a Swiss chateau)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1896 [103] Guglielmo Marconi patents 1st ‘radio’ (hey, thanks for the gig, Gug!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] UN World Environment Day
International Volunteers Week
Adopt-A-Shelter Cat Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER: Who do you think should play ‘John-John’ in the upcoming FOX-TV movie based on the 1999 best seller “Prince Charming: The John F Kennedy Jr Story”?
THE LAST WORD: Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
