Wednesday, March 17, 2004 Edition: #2747
Top O’ The Bull To You!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word is scalpers are getting $10,000 a ticket for the APRIL 3rd “Saturday Night Live” show Donald Trump will be hosting (well, maybe from him) . . . Jennifer Aniston’s 66-year-old actor-dad John Aniston was said to be extremely upset when his character was killed off after 17 years on daytime drama “Days of Our Lives”, but he perked up when Jen’ & hubby Brad Pitt promised to find him the perfect movie role . . . The Beatles are about to sue Apple Computers for starting up ‘Apple Music’, breaking a long-ago agreement with Apple Records to stay out of the biz . . . Madonna’s director-hubby Guy Ritchie is trying to make a movie called “Revolver” but studios are leery because the script is filled with references to the current celebrity fad religion Kabbalah . . . Ben Affleck says there won’t be a “Daredevil 2” with him in it because he doesn’t want to do any more action movies . . . Jessica Simpson’s sister Ashlee is getting her own MTV’s reality show, cleverly called “Ashlee”, which will follow the 19-year-old’s private and professional life . . . Retired actress-turned-novelist Pam Anderson, who got a $250,000 advance to write 2 romance novels, admits that publisher Simon & Schuster has hired a ghost writer for her (someone to help her hold the crayon).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Gwen Stefani – She’s completed 5 tracks for her solo debut and hopes to have the first single out THIS SUMMER.
• Britney Spears – She’s launching a chain of diners in London UK that specialize in Southern-style food.
• Whitney Houston – Her publicist has acknowledged she’s entered a drug rehab facility but won’t reveal any further details.
• Jessica Simpson – TONIGHT she’s appearing on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• 50 Cent – He’s just hired a new specialist to travel with his crew … a manicurist.
• Clay Aiken – He’s just been named ‘Hottest Guy’ by “Beautiful Girl” magazine.
NEW ENGLISH 101:
• ‘Hyperdating’ – Dating a lot of different people over a short period of time. (“I can’t remember if it was a Todd or a Tyler I went out with Saturday night … I’ve been hyperdating.”)
• ‘Menopot’ – The layer of fat around the abdomen that some women develop after going through menopause. (“They make maternity pants, why not menopot jeans?”)
• ‘Atkins Attitude’ – Anger, irritability or depression experienced by people on low-carb diets such as Atkins or the South Beach Diet. “Psychology Today” says the syndrome doesn’t affect all adherents. Some dieters report an improved attitude. (“Stay away from Steve, he had an attack of Atkins Attitude when he saw my hot dog bun in the lunchroom.”)
SECRET CODE:
Today’s hi-tech vehicles are causing headaches for mechanics. In order to diagnose and fix
late model cars, a special computer code is needed – and automakers aren’t handing that info out. More often than not, the code is in a language understood only by auto manufacturers, and that gives their dealers a monopoly on servicing their make of vehicles. Even locksmiths are annoyed because the keys to some cars now contain computer chips, and to replace them a locksmith needs the correct code. The problem may lead to new laws that require automakers to provide computer codes to anyone who needs them.
– “Seattle Post-Intelligencer”
ADMISSION IS JUST $19.95:
A new exhibit at the Chicago Cultural Center called “Isn’t That Amazing!” features some 150 products, dating from 1946 to 2002, that were produced by the Popeil Brothers and Ronco companies. Among the ‘amazing’ household gadgets that were featured in countless TV ads –
the Veg-O-Matic, Dial-O-Matic, Peel-O-Matic, Kitchen Magician, Chop-O-Matic, Mr Microphone, Pocket Fisherman, and the Miracle Broom.
– “Chicago Sun-Times”
SAFETY NET:
The European Commission is investing 50 million euros (over $80 million CDN) in an attempt to clean up the Internet with a 3-year program called ‘Safer Internet Plus’. The plan has 4 goals …
• To establish hotlines for the public to report illegal content, ie: child porn.
• To develop ratings for content that provide benchmarks for filtering software.
• To raise awareness among parents and teachers of the tools available to protect children online.
• To encourage self-regulation to deal with unwanted and harmful content, including spam.
– “The Register”
WHY WOMEN WORRY:
A new sex survey reveals that 1 in 5 women are so shy about their bodies that they’re unwilling to undress in front of their partner. More than 3 quarters of respondents say they’re most unhappy with their flabby stomachs and thighs. Half of the 1,500 questioned say that lack of confidence in how they look has led to a repressed sex life. 21% say they would never make love with the lights on.
– “The Mirror”
WORLDWIDE BULL ROAR:
• A Chinese couple who took their 13-year-old daughter to hospital suffering from ‘a reaction in the lower half of the body’ have found out the problem – she’s a boy. The parents from Zhengzhou were apparently fooled by their child’s underdeveloped sexual organs, dressing him in girl’s clothes and teaching him to go to the women’s washroom. They did not realize anything was wrong until the teen got ‘excited’ watching pretty women on TV.
• A 25-year-old man has become a tourist attraction in the Dominican Republic after admitting himself into a hospital – with a 6-day erection. Staffers at the hospital in Villa Gonzalez said nurses, doctors and members of the public turned up for a glimpse at the poor guy’s predicament. Specialists think he may be suffering from a rare form of anemia that causes long-term erections.
• A competition has been held in Bangkok to find the strongest transvestite in Thailand. The event called Kratoy Ud (‘Tough Transvestite’) attracted dozens of entrants. Each contestant had to take part in 5 events – carrying a 50-kilo sack of rice, kicking down a banana palm, husking a coconut, arm wrestling and carrying buckets of water. (An Oriental form of drag racing.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.17.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951 [53] Kurt Russell, Springfield MA, movie actor (“Miracle”, “Executive Decision”)/Goldie Hawn’s partner since 1983/Kate Hudson’s stepfather
1955 [49] Gary Sinise, Blue Island IL, movie actor (“The Green Mile”, “Forrest Gump”) FACTOID: He’s currently in talks to take on the lead role in the latest “CSI” spin-off, “CSI: New York”.
1964 [40] Rob Lowe, Charlottesville VA, TV actor (“The Lyon’s Den” 2003, “The West Wing” 1999-2003)/movie actor (“View from the Top”, “Austin Powers 1-3″)
1967 [37] Billy Corgan, Chicago IL, rock singer/guitarist (Zwan, ex-Smashing Pumpkins-“1979″)
1968 [36] Mathew St Patrick, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (‘Officer Keith Charles’ on “Six Feet Under”)
1973 [31] Caroline Corr, Dundalk IRE, pop/rock/Celtic singer (The Corrs-“Breathless”, “Runaway”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “St Patrick’s Day”, the Irish national holiday that began as a ‘solemn religious observance’ to honor St Patrick (389-461 AD), patron saint of Ireland, bishop and missionary, who purportedly drove the snakes out of Ireland. St Paddy’s facts …
• It’s been an Irish holiday for 1,500 years, first celebrated in Canada in 1765 in Québec City.
the first US celebrations were in Boston by the ‘Charitable Irish Society’ in 1737 and at NYC’s Crown & Thistle Tavern in 1756.
• The world’s largest “St Patrick’s Parade” is in NYC where more than a million spectators and over 100,000 participants are expected. A tradition since 1762, the 2-mile parade lasts about 6 hours.
• Green is associated with St Patrick’s Day because it’s the color of Spring, Ireland & the shamrock.
TODAY’S TRUE CRIME EVENT . . .
1998 [06] 25-year-old Cristian Pavesi is convicted of murder in Brescia, Italy and sentenced to – 18 years under house arrest at his grandmother’s (when the sentence is read, the mother of the victim faints)
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1845 [159] Stephen Perry of London UK patents ‘elastic band’ (next day, the 1st schoolboy gets one flicked in the eye)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] National Quilting Day
[Thurs] Forgive Mom & Dad Day
[Sat] Teenagers Day
[Sat] Spring begins
[Sun] Snowman Burning Day
[Sun] Single Parents Day
This Week Is . . . Safe Place Week / Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week
This Month Is . . . Ghostwriters Month / Frozen Food Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ST PATRICK’S DAY TOASTS:
• “May your 18 children learn to use contraceptives.”
• “May you never remember the night before.”
• “May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef & cabbage you had for lunch.”
• “Here’s to getting shille-laid!”
• “Here’s green beer in your eye!”
• “May Erin go bra-less.”
• “Hey! You! Wake up and drink this!”
• “Awww … not on my shoes!”
BS IRISH EXPRESSIONS FOR SEX:
“Cleaning the bagpipes”
“Flying Aer Lingus”
“Peelin’ the potato”
“Mowin’ the clover”
“Watching the soda bread rise”
“Oh Danny boy – oh boy – oh boy!”
“O’Humping”
WHO WANTS TO BE IRISH?
A timely St Paddy’s Day quiz …
• St Patrick was born in …
a. Wales [CORRECT]
b. France
c. Ireland
• How tall is the average leprechaun?
a. 4 feet
b. 12 inches
c. 2 feet [CORRECT]
• What’s the official emblem of Ireland?
a. The shamrock.
b. The leprechaun.
c. The harp. [CORRECT]
• In Ireland, you can pick up a souvenir ‘bodhran’ (bow-rawn). What is it?
a. A drum made of sheepskin. [CORRECT]
b. A one-gallon jug of whiskey.
c. A sack used to catch leprechauns.
• What is a ‘shamrock’?
a. A flower.
b. A weed. [CORRECT]
c. An invented design.
BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the one question you wish you had asked your spouse before you got married?
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• What we need around here is a designated morning breath area.
• They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now!
• Sex is like the game of bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
• The ultimate insult to [jock] is to criticize his program without mentioning his name.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 65% of us steal office supplies at work. Legal pads are most often stolen. What comes in second?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Toilet paper.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, it’s all the luck you need.
