Monday, March 11, 2002        Edition: #2250
Men with Bull!

BS WAYS TO MAKE CURLING A MORE EXCITING SPECTATOR SPORT:
• Mystery exploding rock.
• Shirts vs skins.
• Instead of brooms, Dirt Devils.
• Skates.
• Miss a shot, take a shot.
• Player may at any time call, ‘Slap fight!’

Sheet Happens!

QUOTES FROM THE PERFECT WOMAN . . .
• “I was wrong, you were right. I’m sorry I argued.”
• “Let’s rent a porn video tonight.”
• “No no, I’ll clean the gutters. You go to that new strip club.”
• “Let’s subscribe to Hustler.”
• “I love it when you play golf on Sundays; I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.”
• “God, if I don’t get to perform oral sex on you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust!”

QUOTES FROM THE PERFECT MAN . . .
• “I was wrong, you were right. I’m sorry I argued.”
• “Let’s go to the shoe store.”
• “Why don’t you relax this weekend? I’ll take care of the cooking and housework.”
• “I’ll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.”
• “We haven’t been to the mall in ages. Let’s go shopping so I can hold your purse!”
• “Let’s just concentrate on your pleasure tonight, darling.”

BS JUICY TABLOID GOSSIP:
• A film showing ‘Barbie’ doll as a lesbian has been banned from being shown at Mexico City’s Urban-Fest film festival thanks to a court order obtained by Mattel Corp. The Argentine movie “Barbie Gets Sad Too” shows ‘Barbie’ having a sexual relationship with her Latina servant, reports “Reforma”. (In related news, ‘Ken’s’ ego has been crushed.)
• Britney Spears’ little sister Jamie Lynn is set to launch her own show biz career – and she’s just 11-years-old! “E! Online” says she and mom Lynne Spears have already ‘taken a meeting’ with an unnamed TV network about upcoming appearances. (The mini-Spears is said to share her sister’s talent – she’s a virgin, too.)
• Will Smith tells “Access Hollywood” he’s hoping to make a film with Jennifer Lopez, a romantic comedy called “The Last First Kiss”. (Methinks you need her more than she needs you at this point.)
• Pop tart Kylie Minogue has revealed that Prince Albert of Monaco fondled her butt at the recent “World Music Awards”, reports Brit tabloid the “Sun”. The Prince has apparently developed a reputation throughout Europe for groping, leading to his nickname — ‘The Octopus’. Ms Minogue goes on to explain that her butt, which has become the toast of Britain, is all natural. “I really don’t do anything to my backside,” she tells “Sun”. “I don’t use lotions or anything like that. I work hard, I run around a lot and I dance when I have to.” (Thanks for sharing.)
• Actress Cameron Diaz won’t eat pork since she was told that pigs have the mental capacity of a 3-year-old child. She tells ”Esquire” that eating pork would now make her feel like she was eating her niece. (Right. Speaking of the mental capacity of a 3-year-old child . . .)
• “TV Guide” reports that former “Cheers” cast members John Ratzenberger, George Wendt and Rhea Perlman will reunite on an upcoming “Frasier” episode called “Cheerful Goodbyes”. (Well it’s not like they’re busy doing anything else.)
• And here’s the REAL news this week according to “Weekly World News” — “Girl Frozen in Ice in 1939 Alive!”, “Spankings Make You Smarter”, and — joy of joys — “Fountain of Youth Found in NYC Subway Toilet: Drink the Bubbling Water & Be Young Again!”

GARGLING YOUR MAXWELL HOUSE:
New research in the “Journal of Agricultural & Food Chemistry” indicates that coffee can help fight cavities. A scientist at Italy’s University of Pavia says roasted coffee beans have antibacterial properties that help protect tooth enamel. (And also leave your teeth that sexy shade of sparkling taupe.)

FIRST WORDS:
A University of California study traces the origins of language back 100,000 years. According to researchers, the first words ever used were for ‘fire’, ‘sun’, ‘earth’ and ‘death’. (Soon followed by ‘taxes’.)

PARENTING 101:
Contrary to what you might think, kids would rather take care of a pet, go to a party or play sports than watch TV, according to a survey for “Child” magazine.

FAT FIGURES:
A new Harris Poll finds that the biggest problem we face in trying to stay healthy is managing our weight. According to the survey, 80% of people over 25 now consider themselves ‘overweight’, up from 58% twenty years ago. 72% of those who are overweight say they would like to lose weight.

ASSTRO-PHYSICS:
A new study at Sweden’s Goteborg University has found that women with bigger butts are less likely to suffer from diabetes and heart disease than slimmer counterparts, suggesting that women with ample behinds are more likely to live longer. The scientists stress this doesn’t give the green light to pile on pounds, but simply suggests that skinny is not necessarily best. (And that J-Lo is immortal.)

I HAVE THIS BUILT IN:
A pair of Brit inventors has just developed a mini-computer that straps on your wrist and directs you to the nearest bar. The ‘eSleeve’ uses Global Positioning Satellite systems to determine your location, then lists the addresses of the 4 nearest pubs on the screen. The gadget can also help you find your way home after you’ve had a few too many. (Yup, that’s why billions were spent to girdle the Earth with satellites.)

STAMP ON TAMPON TAX:
Ontario’s NDP party has launched what it hopes will become a national campaign to ‘stamp on the tax’ it claims costs each Canadian woman about $350 over her lifetime. Collectively, about 10 million Canadian women fork out as much as $840 million a year on feminine protection products. The NDP says charging sales tax on them is a ‘discriminatory gender tax’. (Using that logic, then what about bras? And for men — electric razors and aftershave?)

SKY GAZING:
A comet heading past the Earth later THIS MONTH will be bright enough to see with the naked eye. Comet Ikeya-Zhang, named after the Japanese and Chinese astronomers who first spotted it FEBRUARY 1, will be the brightest comet to make an appearance since Hale-Bopp in 1997. During the second half of MARCH and the first half of APRIL, it will brighten rapidly to appear as a faint smudge in the western sky with a pronounced tail about 10 times as long as the width of the moon. (Attention fundamentalist wackos — time to dig out your ‘Beware the End is Near’ signs from the basement.)

STAR ETIQUETTE:
A new handbook offers advice on the proper etiquette for dealing with Hollywood celebrities that you happen to bump into in public places. “A Visitor’s Guide to Celebrity Etiquette” includes helpful hints like ‘don’t point’, ‘don’t stare’, and ‘don’t ask someone how much money they make’. Stars, publicists and agents have all put in their two-cents-worth. Actress Jamie Lee Curtis, for instance, advises against telling stars they look better in person than on the screen. (The reverse would be a real slam too, wouldn’t it?)

WORLDWIDE BULL ROAR:
• A man in Ballymena, Northern Ireland has been sentenced to 17 years in prison for murdering a woman — by gluing her lips together. (Every husband has had this dream.)
• A man attempting to smuggle an exotic and illegal macaw parrot through Ottawa International Airport was foiled when the bird began screeching — from inside his briefcase. (Authorities became suspicious when the briefcase started yelling “Ow!”).
• Sidney, Nebraska, a city of about 6,000, has been named the ‘Itchiest City in America’ in the latest Lanacane Dry Itchy Skin Index. The study, completed in FEBRUARY, ranks Goodland KS as second-itchiest, followed by Colorado Springs, Denver and Pueblo CO. (And there’s good news for Festering Rash, Ohio — you’ve dropped out of the top 10 this year.)
• A man who dresses as a gladiator for tourists in Rome has been arrested because his sword is too long. By Italian law, no blade carried by a citizen can be longer than 6 cm, but this guy’s measures a whopping 50 cm. (But the case is expected to be dismissed because, like most men, he lies about the size of his weapon.)

THE BULL SHEET 03.11.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [71] Rupert Murdoch, Melbourne AUS, media magnate (FOX-TV, News Corp)/sports mogul (LA Dodgers)

1934 [68] Sam Donaldson, El Paso TX, ABC-TV journalist (“This Week with Sam Donaldson & Cokie Roberts”) with worst toupee on TV

1963 [39] Alex Kingston, London ENG, TV actress (Dr Elizabeth Corday Greene-“ER”, since 1997)

1968 [34] Lisa Loeb (as in ‘whatever happened to …?’), Bethesda MD, pop singer (“I Do”, “Stay”)

1981 [21] LeToya Luckett, Houston TX, pop singer (Destiny’s Child-“Bills, Bills, Bills”) who didn’t find out she and LaTavia Roberson were kicked out of the group until they saw the video for “Say My Name” (they’re now suing the group, contending the hit song “Survivor” makes derisive comments about them)

1982 [20] Thora Birch, LA CA, movie actress (“Ghost World”, “American Beauty”)  NOTE: Parents named her after ‘Thor’, the Norse god of lightning and she actually has a younger brother named — Bolt

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Romeo & Juliet’s Wedding Day”. According to Shakespeare, the all-time champion lovers did the deed this date in 1302. It’s their 700th anniversary! (That’s way beyond ‘Silver’ and ‘Golden’ – that’s like your ‘Weapons Grade Plutonium Anniversary’.)

TODAY is “Worship of Tools Day”, which either has to do with men’s  inexplicable fascination with high-priced gizmos, or women’s inexplicable attraction to guys who turn out to be losers.

TODAY, the 2nd Monday in March, is “Commonwealth Day”, an annual event when the 54 member countries of the Commonwealth supposedly celebrate their links with one another (pip pip old chap, it was formerly known as “Empire Day”). The theme for 2002 is ‘Celebrating Diversity’. In Britain, ‘The Queen’s Jubilee Baton Relay’ will begin its around-the-world journey at Buckingham Palace, to be completed July 25 at the start of the Commonwealth Games in Manchester, England. In Canada, the day is celebrated with – nothing.

THIS WEEK is “International Brain Awareness Week”. (I don’t celebrate, because to be aware of one, you first have to have one.)

TODAY is “Johnny Appleseed Day”, celebrated on the anniversary of his death. Yes, there really was a Johnny Appleseed. His real name was John Chapman when he was born in Massachusetts in 1774. He didn’t just walk around the country sprinkling apple seeds all over the place. He was a serious nurseryman who set out orchards in the wilderness of the Midwest. He then gave or sold trees to pioneers who depended on apples as a staple in their diets.

TODAY’S SPORTS EVENT . . .
1996 [06] Montréal Canadiens beat Dallas Stars 4-1 in final game at 72-year-old Montréal Forum (wasn’t that the last time they won a game?)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1997 [05] Paul McCartney is knighted by Queen Elizabeth II (becoming ‘Sir Paul’)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
105 [1897] 1st ‘paper’ invented by Ts’ai Lun in China, using bamboo, mulberry, fish nets and rags        

1912 [90] 1st Stanley Cup game played in three 20-minute periods, formerly played in 30-minute halves (Québec beats Moncton 9-3)

1935 [67] Canada’s central bank, the ‘Bank of Canada’ is established “to regulate credit and currency in the best interests of the economic life of the nation”

1989 [13] 1st episode of “Cops” on FOX-TV (“whatcha gonna do bad boy bad boy . . .”)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1978 [24] Bobby Hull (Brett’s pop) of the Winnipeg Jets joins Gordie Howe by getting career goal number 1,000 in a game vs Quebec Nordiques

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Girl Scouts Birthday
[Tues] Organize Your Home Office Day
[Wed] Open an Umbrella Indoors Day
[Thurs] National Single Fathers Who Are Not Leeches on Society Day
[Fri] Ides of March
[Sun] St Patrick’s Day
[Mar 18] Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction
[Mar 20] 1st Day of Spring
[Mar 30-Apr 1] NCAA Final Four (Atlanta)
Read an E-Book Week (Ever seen one? Like a thin computer screen. You put in a book on disc and then set the font to your liking. A great idea, but people aren’t buying them in droves.)
Collision Awareness Month (Did you just hear something?)
Eye Donor Month (Do NOT attempt this in your home.)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the most unusual thing you’ve ever picked out of the garbage?”
• “What’s the worst abuse of an expense account you ever heard of?”
• “You know he/she is not married when . . .”

FLAVORS CONSIDERED BY ICE CREAM MAKERS THAT NEVER MADE IT:
• Chop Suey
• Prunella Whirl
• Bacon Ripple
• Liver ‘n’ Onions
• Avocado Ice
(Chunks O’ Toenail wasn’t a big seller either.)
Source: “Disney Adventures”

TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
• For most people, the length of the foot is approximately equal to the length of the forearm from elbow to wrist. (TRUE. Try it!)
• On most human hands, the length of the middle finger is exactly the same as the width of the hand. (TRUE. Check it out!)
• “St Patrick’s Day” is coming up SUNDAY. The official emblem of Ireland is the shamrock. (BS. The official emblem of Ireland is the harp, according to the Irish Tourist Board.)
• One square inch of skin contains 78 yards of nerves. (TRUE. And one square inch of skin also contains an average of 645 sweat glands, 63 hairs, and 18 feet of blood vessels!)
• Most North American car horns beep in the key of B-flat. (BS. Most are in the key of F, as in “Hey! F-off!”)
• Ancient Egyptian men never became bald. (TRUE, but it’s a trick statement. Egyptian males had their heads shaved as children, so they never had a chance to become bald. According to a Greek historian, they went topless so their scalps would be continually exposed to the ‘healthy rays’ of the sun god.)
• Goldfish remember better in cold water than in warm water. (TRUE, but then what’s a goldfish have to remember? “Don’t run into the glass, don’t run into the glass . . .”)
• Women don’t have ‘Adam’s apples’. (BS. They do, but men’s voices are usually deeper, and so their larynx must be larger, making their ‘Adam’s apple’ more visible. Women also tend to have more fat in their necks, which further serves to disguise the larynx.)
• While in space, Shuttle astronauts suffer from ‘skinny legs syndrome’. [TRUE. Weightlessness actually makes the heart and other organs shift inside the body. And because bodily fluids move toward the head, the astronauts get a fat face and ‘chicken legs’.]

BS TAG LINE:
Never judge a book by its movie.

WELCOME NEW BS-ERS!
Welcome aboard to Chuck LaTour @ WTRV Grand Rapids MI and these BS samplers this week – Chris White @ THE WOLF Regina SK, Mark Medina @ POWER 92 Phoenix AZ, Jim Frigo @ KDXY Jonesboro AR, Nicolas Redford @ METRO FM Auckland Park, South Africa, and Richard La Faber @ MIX FM Rawang, Malaysia.