Friday, March 31, 2000 Edition: #1776
The “2000 World Curling Championships” get sweeping tomorrow in Glasgow, Scotland. Canada is represented by 2 BC rinks — Greg McAulay of Richmond in men’s and Prince George’s Kelley Law in women’s. Try some radio play-by-play with SFX – hilarious stuff!
BS WAYS TO MAKE CURLING MORE EXCITING:
• Fewer push brooms, more Dirt Devils.
• Once in each end — mystery exploding rock.
• Miss a shot, do a shot.
• New Canadian team uniforms, designed by Jennifer Lopez.
• At any time player may call ‘SLAP FIGHT!’.
• Two words – bare feet.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
All concert dates for the first leg of Santana’s North American tour announced Wednesday are already sold out (the guy’s gotta be pinching himself) . . . Britney Spears needed stitches after injuring her head while shooting a new video (apparently she has yet to master dancing safely with the new implants) . . . Buzz is daytime soap star Susan Lucci is lusting after the co-hosting job on “Live with Regis & Kathie Lee” soon to be vacated by Ms Gifford (is she qualified — I mean, does she have kids to talk about?).
MOVIES OPENING TODAY:
Two swindlers get their hands on a map to a lost city of gold in the animated adventure “The Road to El Dorado”, featuring tunes by Elton John (your 5-year-old will just love the human sacrifices and the sexpot character named ‘Chel’) . . .“High Fidelity” follows the mid-life crisis of a 30-something record store owner, played by John Cusack (Bruce Springsteen has a cameo) . . . “Dawson Creek’s” Joshua Jackson plays a college student who has second thoughts about an Ivy League secret society when another member is murdered in the thriller “The Skulls“.
COMPLETE WITH VIRTUAL DOO:
Starting this weekend Sega Toys begins marketing a new robot dog called ‘Poo-chi’. The computerized critter will react to its owner’s commands and even displays emotion (on your leg). Target market — 20-something women looking for companionship. (Who are accustomed to getting gratification from mechanical devices.)
Just in time for “April Fools Day”, RJL Software has released a new program that makes a computer do weird things at random. Imagine the hilarity when your co-worker’s cursor moves in the opposite direction of the mouse, or his CD-ROM tray begins sliding in and out for no apparent reason! (We’ve been Beta testing the program for a couple of years – it’s called Microsoft Windows ‘98.)
IS SCALPING ILLEGAL?
The Nova Scotia government has asked Ottawa to confirm that a 244-year-old provincial law that offers a bounty for Indian scalps is no longer valid. (A Liberal spokesman says it’s OK if they’re Tories, but not if they’re — ‘Whigs’.)
According to new StatsCan figures, if Canada’s wealth were divided equally among us, we’d each have $96,800. (Or one tank of gas.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.31.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1928  Gordie Howe, Floral SK, NHL Hall of Fame legend (Detroit Red Wings)/1767 games in 26 seasons/6-time MVP
1948  Al Gore, Washington DC, 2000 Presidential candidate/45th US Vice President/Mr Tipper
1965  Tom Barrasso, Boston MA, NHL goalie (Ottawa Senators, ex-Pittsburgh Penguin)
1971  Ewan McGregor, Crieff SCOT, film actor (young Obi-Wan Kenobi-The Phantom Menace, Trainspotting, Emma)
1971  Pavel Bure, Moscow RUS, NHL winger (Florida Panthers, ex-Vancouver Canucks)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1964  Scott Stevens, Kitchener ON, NHL defenceman (New Jersey Devils)
1980  Bartholomew J ‘Bart’ Simpson, fictitious character’s birthday (The Simpsons) FACTOID: A new Brit poll of 18 to 35-year-olds to pick the “Icon of the 20th Century” has selected, in order, Elvis Presley, Princess Diana, Martin Luther King and — ‘Bart Simpson’.
1999  Nunavut, Iqaluit NT, 2-million sq km new Canadian territory
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “No Homework Day”, when teachers are urged to be lenient. (Yeah right – April Fools!)
Today through Sunday is “Alcohol-Free Weekend”, proclaimed by the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence. (Jason Priestly is the poster boy.)
The “World Figure Skating Championships” wrap up in Nice, France this weekend with the exhibition ‘Gala Skate’ Sunday night. So far there’s been a positive drug test, a slashing assault on a skater and a horrific injury-causing fall on the ice. (They’re changing the name next year to ‘WFS Raw!’)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994 Madonna uses the ‘F-word’ 13 times on “Late Show With David Letterman”
1999 “The Matrix” starring Keanu Reeves opens in movie theaters (winner of 4 Academy Awards)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1918  1st ‘Daylight Saving Time’ (set those clocks forward this Sunday at 2 am)
1990  1st NHL player to score 100 points in a season with a last-place team (Quebec Nordiques’ Joe Sakic, who also becomes the youngest player to do it, at age 20)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] April Fools Day
[Sat] NCAA Men’s Basketball Final Four begins (Indianapolis)
[Sun] Check Your Batteries Day (smoke detectors)
National Clutter Awareness Week
International Listening Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: Which is bigger – a regulation hockey puck or a Tim Horton’s Boston Cream doughnut?
A: Hockey puck — 3 ins in diameter, 1 inch thick. Doughnut — 3.5 ins diameter, 1.75 ins thick (but if you keep it for 2 days, you can use it for a hockey puck).
THE LAST WORD:
Happy “Bull Sheet” Birthday! Thanks for your support for 7 years and 1776 issues since April 1, 1993!