Thursday, March 23, 2000                                               Edition:  #1770

Today is UN “World Meteorological Day”, a good excuse to check the BS . . .
SIGNS YOUR TV METEOROLOGIST IS A FEW KILOPASCALS SHORT OF A WARM FRONT:
• Prefaces all reports with “And in another act of a vengeful God . . .”
• ‘Global satellite radar’ photo looks suspiciously like overhead shot of flushing toilet.
• Last night’s report included “A turgid, pulsating jet stream penetrating deep into a warm, moist, aching heartland.”
• Her forecast calls for a 30% chance of funk.
• Uses the green-screen behind him to pretend he’s ‘Superman’.
• Current forecast consists of “Look out the friggin’ window, ya lazy bastards.”
• Refers to ‘wind-chill factor’ as ‘nipple index’.
• Bases 5-day forecast on OUIJA board.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Tonight Elton John and Tim Rice’s musical “Aida‘ opens on Broadway, which Elton calls an ‘11′ on a scale of 1 to 10 . . . Britney Spears has co-authored an autobiography with her mom that’s cleverly titled “Britney” and is due in bookstores this May (a definitive view of life from the perspective of 18 whole years) . . . Actress Goldie Hawn is lobbying for a ban on the use of elephants in circuses (Rosie O’Donnell says she’ll continue her talk show anyway) . . . Regis Philbin has challenged Alex Trebek to be a contestant on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” in response to the “Jeopardy” host’s recent criticism of the show’s ‘easy’ questions (so far, there’s been no Final Jeopardy answer).

FUTURE FLICKS:
Producers say West Edmonton Mall will NOT serve as the backdrop for a scene in Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s upcoming sci-fi thriller “The 6th Day” because the mega-mall only has 2 levels and they need 4 (besides, a chase scene involving an anchored pirate ship would be way too slow) . . . Jennifer Lopez will pick up $14 million to star in the romantic thriller “Angel Eyes” which begins shooting in Toronto early May (angel eyes, but one helluva butt) . . . Harrison Ford and Kevin Costner turned down the role, so Michael Douglas has agreed to co-star with his soon-to-be wife Catherine Zeta-Jones in “Traffic”, story of a judge who becomes US drug czar just as he finds out his daughter’s a heroin addict (no, she won’t play his daughter — but she could!).

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT:
Newspaper mogul Conrad Black has been seeking a butler in England. The position offers a salary of £60,000 (about $138,000 CDN), plus an apartment and living expenses. (A lot of moola for fetching Barbara Amiel’s slippers.)

WE’RE GOIN’ BUGGY:
Entomologists say that because of the mild winter we’ve just had, the insect populations about to emerge will be larger than usual. (Beware of 7-foot ants.)

BRAVE NEW WORLD:
According to the new edition of “New Scientist”, sperm taken from a dead man resulted in a human birth for the first time last week. And  even creepier – the journal says an Italian in vitro fertilization specialist claims he produced 4 babies using sperm grown in rodent testicles. (They’re expected to grow up to be lawyers.)

THE BULL SHEET 03.23.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1960    [40] George Fox, Cochrane AB, country singer (I Give You My Word, Time Of My Life)
1968    [32] Curtis Mayfield, CFL WR (Saskatchewan Roughriders)
1971    [29] Yasmeen Ghauri, Montréal PQ, model (Valentino Perfume)
1971    [29] Alexander Selivanov, Moscow RUS, NHL winger (Edmonton Oilers)
1973    [27] Rob Lazeo, CFL guard (Saskatchewan Roughriders)
1976    [24] Nolan Baumgartner, Calgary AB, NHL defenceman (Washington Capitals)
1976    [24] Keri Russell, Fountain Valley CA, TV actress (Felicity Porter-Felicity)
1990     [10] Princess Eugenie, London ENG, Prince Andrew and Fergie’s daughter

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is “International Organize Your Home Office Day”, a day to get your home business in order. Ask listeners with home offices the best and worst things about working at home.
NET: http://www.homeofficelife.com/

March is “Peanut Lovers Month”, a good time to play ‘Jiffy Karaoke’. Have phone contestants sing for prizes — with a mouthful of peanut butter.

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994    Wayne Gretzky breaks Gordie Howe’s NHL career record with his 802nd goal
1996    “Because You Loved Me” by Celine Dion hits #1 on pop charts
1998    “Titanic” wins a record-tying 11 Oscars at 70th Academy Awards (same as Ben-Hur in 1959), including ‘Best Original Song’ for Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On”
1999    TLC releases mega-hit single “No Scrubs”

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1743    [257] 1st ‘standing ovation’ as King George II rises to his feet in appreciation of 1st London performance of Handel’s “Messiah”
1923     [77] 1st play-by-play by hockey broadcasting pioneer Foster Hewitt (“He shoots, he scores!”)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Oscar spoofing Razzie Awards
[Sun] Academy Awards
[Sun] Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
National Poison Prevention Week
Optimism Month (can’t see what possible impact this can have)

BULL’S BITS . . .
WHO WANTS TO BE ON-THE-AIR: (The radio rip-off of TV’s #1 show)
• What percentage of cat owners talk to their pets? a) 25%  b) 50%  c) 95%
(According to a pet owners’ poll, 95% talk to their cat. It’s unknown how many get an answer.)
• Who was first to play golf on the moon? a) Alan Shepard  b) Neil Armstrong c) Tiger Woods
(Alan Shepard, whose statue was just unveiled at the Astronaut Hall of Fame in Titusville FL. He was also the first American in space.)
• What are Oscar statues made of? a) brass-covered zinc  b) gold-plated britannium  c) cubic zirconium
(Gold-plated britannium.)
• What percentage of Canadian women in their 20s have lived common law? a) 12%  b) 22%  c) 52%
(According to “Canadian Social Trends”, 52% have ‘shacked up’.)

THE LAST WORD: The secret of selling yourself is to have a product you truly believe in.