Wednesday, March 15, 2000 Edition: #1764
For the 3rd straight year, North America has set a new mark for the warmest winter on record, according to new stats from the US National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. So here’s a timely BS look at . . .
GOOD THINGS ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING:
• Wife’s ‘icy stare’ now a welcome relief.
• Melting polar ice caps make for better surfing.
• There’s real opportunities in the dog-shaving business.
• You can cook lobster by lowering it into toilet.
• Frozen Margaritas — lots of ’em.
• New work for NASA patching ozone with Saran Wrap.
• Yukon getting excited about hosting ‘Spring Break 2005′.
• Jennifer Lopez has gone clothes shopping for something ‘cooler’.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Winners will be announced by the end of this week from the 600 who turned up at open casting calls in Toronto, NYC and LA for the upcoming TV movie “Daydream Believers: The Monkees’ Story” (can you say ‘quickie’ — they start shooting in Toronto next Monday and the film airs in June!) . . . Not only is Vancouver’s Gil Bellows leaving “Ally McBeal” this season, reports are that his ‘Billy Thomas’ character will die from a brain tumor . . . And now Calista Flockhart is saying her “Ally McBeal” days may be numbered in the new issue of “W” magazine . . . Word is Hamilton-native Martin Short’s syndicated TV gab show is about to be put to sleep (just like its audience) . . . Reports out of the UK say Linda McCartney left her entire fortune to husband Paul — more than $230 million (she was NOT an heir to the Eastman-Kodak fortune as widely rumored, so where’d she get those kinda bucks?) . . . British tabs say Britney Spears recently had a ‘romantic dinner’ with Prince William (followed by a rousing game of ‘polish the scepter’).
SAVE ‘BESSIE’ FROM FARMER BROWN’S COLD HANDS!
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is planning a series of “Got Beer?” parodies of those pervasive “Got Milk?” ads. PETA claims the dairy industry is cruel to animals and that beer is better for you than milk. (Oh well, in that case, forget the formula — we’re getting Junior a case of Blue!).
YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE:
Kellogg’s will introduce a limited-edition cereal in May called ‘Pokemon Toasted Oat Cereal With Marshmallow Bits’, featuring 4 different ‘Pokemon’-shaped marshmallows. (Parents will like the enclosed toothpicks which can be used to roast the little bastards on a fire.)
‘FLIPPER’ THE SABOTEUR:
The “Times of London” reports that 27 ‘killer’ dolphins, whales, walruses and sea lions from a former Russian naval base have been sold to Iran. They were reportedly originally trained by the Soviet Navy to ‘kill enemy divers and blow up ships’. (Who cares what country has them – who’s got the movie rights?)
‘COASTER COSTS:
According to “Lawyers Weekly”, the growing G-force and ‘jerk rates’ of amusement park rides are causing a dramatic increase in personal injury lawsuits. (The ‘jerk rates’ are now said to be almost as high as those experienced by women on blind dates.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.15.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [65] Judd Hirsch, Bronx NY, film actor (Man on the Moon)/Emmy-winning TV actor (Taxi)
1941 [59] Mike Love, Baldwin Hills CA, aging classic pop vocalist (Beach Boys-Surfin’ USA)
1943 [57] David Cronenberg, Toronto ON, weird filmmaker (eXistenZ, Crash, Naked Lunch)
1944 [56] Sly Stone (Stewart), Dallas TX, classic rock/funk musician (Sly & the Family Stone-Everyday People)
1969 [31] Peter White, Montreal PQ, NHL center (Philadelphia Flyers)
1975 [25] Darcy Tucker, Castor AB, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Beware, today is the “Ides of March”, when Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC. It’s also the tongue-in-cheek observance “National Brutus Day”, recognizing the fact that no matter where you work, there’s as much backstabbing, plotting and intrigue as there was back in ancient Rome.
One of the world’s weirdest golf tournaments, the annual “Bering Sea Ice Golf Classic”, tees off Saturday in Nome, Alaska. Participants attempt to sink bright orange balls into flagged coffee cans sunk into the frozen sea on a 6 hole course. Par is 41. Entry fee includes golf balls, tees (old shotgun shells), snake bite remedies (small bottles of vodka) and an official certificate proving you survived.
PHONER: 907-443-5535/907-443-5162 (Bering Sea Lion’s Club)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill” album surpasses 7 million sales mark
1999 Pluto again becomes outermost planet (replacing Hollywood)
1999 Bruce Springsteen, Paul McCartney and Billy Joel inducted into Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1970 [30] 1st NHL defenceman to accumulate 100 points in a season (Bobby Orr-Boston Bruins)
1997 [03] 1st American to score 500 NHL goals (Joe Mullen-Pittsburgh Penguins)
1999 [01] 1st time Dow Jones Average tops 10,000-point threshold
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thursday] NCAA “March Madness” begins
[Fri] St Patrick’s Day
Pulmonary Rehabilitation Week (“Stand clear!” ZAP!)
National Frozen Food Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
This week is “National Sports Trivia Week”, so here’s some BS classics . . .
Q: There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
A: Boxing.
Q: Where the heck are the ‘lakes’ that are referred to in the NBA team name ‘Los Angeles Lakers’?
A: In Minnesota. The team was originally the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when it moved west.
Q: There are several ways a baseball player can legally reach 1st base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls, or a ‘walk’, is one way. Name the others.
A: Batter hit by a pitch, passed ball, catcher interference, catcher drops 3rd strike, fielder’s choice, being designated as a pinch runner, a balk, and reaching base due to an error.
THE LAST WORD: I used to jog, but the ice kept falling out of my glass.
