Monday, March 13, 2000                                             Edition:  #1762

BS THINGS MEN HATE TO HEAR FROM WOMEN:
• “Ahh, it’s cute!”
• “You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.”
• “Wow, and your feet are so big!”
• “This explains your car.”
• “Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?”

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Is it over? “Star” reports that Jennifer Lopez is no longer wearing the $100,000 engagement ring that law-troubled boyfriend Puffy Combs gave her. (As a matter of fact, she hasn’t been wearing much of ANYTHING lately.)
• It’s definitely over. “National Enquirer” says Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee have split again, with Pam  moving into a rented Malibu beach house while Tommy was on the road with his new band. The tab also says she’s put their house up for sale, telling a friend “That loser will be out on the street!” (And the really bad news is, that planned naked wedding seems to be off.)
• “E! Online!” reports that Mattel is releasing a $75 Elizabeth Taylor doll, featuring ‘La Liz’ attired in her “Cleopatra” role. (And just like the aging actress in real life, the plastic hips can be popped in and out.)
• “E! Online” also reports that female punk rock group L7 will auction off drummer Dee Plakas for a one-night stand at a concert in London next month. It’s a political statement, you see, that the music biz is purely prostitution. (Talk about getting a bang for your buck!)
• “Star” says John Travolta’s wife Kelly Preston will follow Scientology rules when she gives birth later this month. That means no painkillers and no screaming, which Scientologists believe can cause irrational fears later in the child’s life. (It’s sure obvious Scientology was developed by a man.)
• If you believe “Globe”, stupermodel Claudia Schiffer and magician David Copperfield never once did the nasty during their 5-year ‘relationship’. (Hmmm, could Copperfield’s greatest illusion be heterosexuality?)

BS QUICKIES:
• CanWest Global Communications may jump into the bidding for CTV Inc, but only to grab up the company’s specialty cable channels. Global would then dump the CTV network TV stations.  (Akin to buying a Bimmer for the Bosch sound system and throwing the car away.)
• Ottawa-based Corel Corp is working with a major computer maker to launch a new line of inexpensive PCs WITHOUT a Microsoft ‘Windows’ operating system. (The target market — PC users who are tired of serving as crash test dummies.)
• Yesterday in St Peter’s Basilica Pope John Paul II delivered a sweeping apology for ALL the sins of Roman Catholics over the centuries, including those little slip-ups during the Inquisition and the  Crusades. (Paving the way for Catholics to save time by super-sizing their sins for bulk confession.)
• That 6-year-old boy accused of shooting and killing a 1st-grade classmate in Michigan will be expelled for 90 days. (He also has to write on the blackboard 50 times “I promise not to kill any more of my classmates.”)
• A Conservative MP in Britain is lobbying to outlaw ‘Muzak’, claiming it devalues music by reducing it to nothing more than ‘acoustic wallpaper’. (In related news, John Tesh has announced he’s branching out into interior design.)

THE BULL SHEET 03.13.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1911    [D-1986] L Ron Hubbard, Tilden NE, founder of Scientology Church/author (Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health) NOTE: The bigscreen version of his book “Battlefield Earth” starring noted Scientologist John Travolta is coming to theaters in May
1950    [50] William H Macy, Miami FL, movie actor (Magnolia, A Civil Action, Fargo)
1960    [40] Adam Clayton, Dublin IRE, rock bassist (U2-Sweetest Thing)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is “National Open an Umbrella Indoors Day”, when we’re encouraged to challenge the old superstition to see if it causes bad or good luck. (It’s really bad luck to walk under a black cat.)

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1993     “Blizzard of ’93” brings 100-mph winds and 14-foot snowdrifts to East Coast
1993    “Informer” by Canadian rapper Snow hits #1 and stays 7 weeks (and where is he now?)
1995    “The Lion King” becomes all-time best-selling video (26 million copies, $450 million)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1781     [219] Sir William Herschel 1st sights ‘Uranus’ (um, that’s pronounced YER-ah-nuhs)
1877    [123] 1st ‘earmuffs’ patented (Chester Greenwood-Farmington ME)
1894     [106] 1st professional ‘striptease’ (Paris FRA)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Potato Chip Day
[Wed] Ides of March (beware!)
National Older Workers Employment Week (don’t forget to say hello to a Wal-Mart greeter)
National Eye Donor Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
“WHO WANTS TO BE IRISH?” (The all-new BS radio game just in time for “St Patrick’s Day” Friday)
Q: An Irishman’s ‘companion for life’ is –  a) his wife  b) his Guinness  c) his shillelagh
A: b) His shillelagh. The traditional walking sticks are made of tough blackthorn and rarely wear out.

Q: In Ireland, how do you acquire the ‘gift of the gab’? –  a) by drinking Guinness  b) by kissing the Blarney Stone  c) by entering politics
A: b) By kissing the Blarney Stone, found at Blarney Castle.

Q: What do the Irish call ‘the water of life’? –  a) blood  b) Guinness  c) Irish Whisky
A: c) Irish Whisky, most likely first concocted by 6th-century Irish monks.

Q: What company made the original ‘Irish cream liqueur’? –  a) O’Darby’s  b) Bailey’s  c) Peter O’Toole’s
A: b) Bailey’s.

Q: What famous American building is modeled after the Irish House of Parliament in Dublin? –  a) the White House  b) the Pentagon  c) the New York Stock Exchange
A: a) The White House.
(Source for all: Irish Tourist Board)

THE LAST WORD: It takes 2 things to be a consultant — grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes you look distinguished, and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.