Wednesday, March 8, 2000 Edition: #1759
BS SIGNS SPRING IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER:
• Wife found trapped under pile of gardening catalogues.
• Newspaper boy stops aiming for snow drifts, begins targeting shrubs.
• First robin poop on your windshield.
• Annoying neighbors finally shut off damn Christmas lights.
• You drive with sunroof open, heater on full blast.
• You roller blade Saturday, shovel walks Sunday.
• Garbage collectors start going topless.
• Thousands of RVers massing on Florida peninsula for annual migration north.
• At H&R Block you’re asked to “take a number please”.
• Leonardo DiCaprio’s in heat.
• Dennis Rodman’s head is resplendent in pastels instead of primary colors.
• In Vancouver, winter rain gives way to . . .
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
Andre Agassi says he and fellow tennis great Steffi Graf are NOT getting married, despite rumors . . . John Rocker‘s been named ‘Sports Jerk of the Year’ in an annual poll by syndicated comic strip “Tank McNamara” . . . Cindy Crawford is said to be top candidate to replace Kathie Lee Gifford on “Live with Regis & Kathie Lee” (c’mon, she’s a vacuous bimbo with no interviewing skills whatsoever – on second thought, she’s perfect!) . . . And get this – according to the show biz trade paper “Variety”, there will be 332 different entertainment-awards ceremonies this year in America (how else can a guy like Adam Sandler win something?).
THIS IS A JOB FOR WILE E COYOTE:
Today a nut from Switzerland plans to perform the world’s greatest stunt by jumping out of an airplane strapped to a locked safe with a parachute inside it. And fearless Jerzy Bourgain won’t have the safe’s combination! The looney-jumper reckons if he manages to crack the combination, he’ll have just seconds to get out the parachute, unstrap himself from the safe and float unharmed to the ground. (He’s a day late — YESTERDAY was “Pancake Day”.)
LANDMARK RULING?
An arbitrator’s report has ruled that a workplace ban on smoking by Cominco Ltd of Trail BC discriminated against workers and violated the province’s human rights code. (After rushing through the verdict, the arbitrator hurried through a back door while frantically searching his pockets with yellowed fingers.)
WOMEN’S DAY WORRIES:
Greek prostitutes are protesting government efforts to clean up the streets of Athens in time for the Olympics in 2004. The president of the ‘Association of Athens Prostitutes’ says “We’re honest working women and they’re treating us like whores.” (Hey, if the stiletto heel fits . . .)
YOU’VE GOT SNAILS!
In an attempt to maintain the purity of the French language the government of France has banned the use of many common English business terms such as ‘start-up’ (now called ‘jeune pousse’) and ‘e-mail’ (‘courrier electronique’). (And in France, your PC doesn’t ‘crash’, it suffers something called ‘mal de Princess Diana’.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.08.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [39] Camryn Manheim, Peoria IL, TV actress (Ellenor Frutt-The Practice)/film actor (What Planet Are You From?)
1961 [39] Larry Murphy, Scarborough ON, NHL defeceman (Detroit Red Wings)
1964 [36] Cheryl “Salt” Jones, NYC, hip-hop/rap artist (Salt ‘n Pepa-Push It, Shoop)
1971 [29] Bob Boughner, Windsor ON, NHL defenceman (Nashville Predators)
1976 [24] Freddie Prinze Jr, Albuquerque NM, movie actor (She’s All That, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer)
1977 [23] James Van Der Beek, Cheshire CT, TV actor (Dawson Leery-Dawson’s Creek)/film actor (Varsity Blues)
1978 [22] Kameelah Williams, hip-hop/pop singer (702-Where My Girls At?)
1984 [16] Bob, Clint & Dave Moffatt, Vancouver BC, heartthrob pop singers (The Moffatts-Until You Loved Me, Miss You Like Crazy)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Christian] Ash Wednesday, Lent begins
Today is “International Women’s Day”, which kicks off “International Women’s Week”, honoring all women, and especially working women. It was first proclaimed at a 1910 women’s conference in Helsinki, Finland by activist Clara Zetkin. The observance has since been endorsed by the UN and is a national holiday in China & Russia, where female workers are presented with flowers and gifts. TRIVIA: Which was invented by a woman — the bullet-proof vest, the fire escape, the windshield wiper or the laser printer? (All of them!)
NET: http://www.swc-cfc.gc.ca/iwd/index.html
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1993 Animator Mike Judge creates “Beavis & Butt-head” for MTV (Heh, heh, heh)
1998 “Titanic” remains atop movie box office for a 12th week for total take of $450 million
1999 NY Yankee immortal Joe DiMaggio dies at 84 (the”Yankee Clipper”)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1971 [29] Joe Frazier becomes 1st to beat heavyweight champ Muhammad Ali in what’s called ‘The Fight of the Century’ (in the ‘Fight of the Moment’, Ali’s daughter Laila Ali faced Crystal Arcand in a 4-round bout last night at the casino in Windsor ON)
1990 [10] 1st Canadian to defend title at “World Figure Skating Championships” (Kurt Browning in Halifax)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Healthy Office Day
Help Someone See Week
International Listening Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Why are the buttons on men’s and women’s clothes on opposite sides?
A: When buttons were first used, they were expensive and only the wealthy could afford them. Women’s buttons were originally put on the opposite side so their maids could dress them.
THE LAST WORD: On one hand, I’m indecisive. But on the other, I’m not.
