Thursday, May 8, 2003 Edition: #2536
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Welcome to fame! Hot-as-a-pistol rapper 50 Cent is being sued for $5 million by a hip-hop promoter for backing out of an Idaho concert SUNDAY – even though he returned his appearance fee, and also by a surgeon who claims he owes more than $32,000 for treatment of gunshot wounds (the guy’s been shot 8 times – would you wanna mess with him?) . . . The Who’s guitarist Pete Townshend has been cautioned by police rather than charged over those alleged child porn offences, but he’ll still be placed on the UK’s sex offenders’ register for 5 years . . . In case you were wondering, Christina Aguilera says she decided to dye her hair black to make her look more mature . . . Boo! KCS 102 FM (‘The Moose’) in Colorado Springs CO has suspended 2 jocks for having the balls to play – the Dixie Chicks (PHONER: 800-234-5527/719-633-9200) . . . Shania Twain’s $9-million offer to buy 42,000 acres of South Island high country in New Zealand – 4 times the government evaluation – has upset outdoor groups because they want public access to wilderness . . . Just-released-from-the-loony-bin rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard has a new record label, a new clothing line and a new name – ‘Dirt McGirt’ . . . Longtime collaborators Elton John & Bernie Taupin are planning to bring a ‘dark, sexy & scary’ version of “The Vampire Lestat” to Broadway (the show-stopper will be ‘Don’t Let the Sun Come Up on Me’) . . . All it takes is money, honey – for his wedding on the weekend “Friends” star Matt LeBlanc hired ALL the helicopters available on the Hawaiian islands for the exclusive use of his guests.
MOVIES GETTING MADE:
It’s not even over yet and already movie producers in China and Hong Kong have begun work on projects about the SARS virus . . . Just a week after Paramount threatened to sue her for
ripping off the 1983 movie “Flashdance” in her “I’m Glad” video, Jennifer Lopez is now in talks to remake the film! . . . Word has it Colin Farrell was told a ‘special package’ was waiting for him in his trailer on the Toronto set of the now-shooting movie “SWAT” and when he rushed to investigate he found – Britney Spears . . . Toronto-born “Will & Grace” star Eric McCormack will make his feature film directing debut on Disney’s romantic comedy “What You Wish For” . . . The upcoming “Rugrats Go Wild” features a movie gimmick called ‘Odorama’, that uses scratch-‘n-sniff cards so moviegoers can experience yummy smells like root beer & stinky feet . . . After the success of “Jackass: The Movie”, Johnny Knoxville will star in and produce an untitled comedy based on his idea about a war between LA hot dog vendors . . . Drew Barrymore was shrewd enough to buy the rights to the ’80s TV series “Charlie’s Angels” before the first film was made, and if “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” (opening JUNE 27) does as well as the original, she’ll have made $80 million on the deal! . . . 65-year-old Jane Fonda wants to return to the bigscreen and is currently talking to “Vanilla Sky” director Cameron Crowe about starring in his next project . . . And fans at this year’s “All England Tennis Championships” (JUNE 23-JULY 6) will get a chance to star alongside Kirsten Dunst & Paul Bettany on the bigscreen as crowd scenes for the upcoming movie “Wimbledon” will be shot during play.
WOW, 3-D WITHOUT THE GOOFY GLASSES!
“The Futurist” magazine reports that researchers at Tampere University of Technology in Finland have developed a new way to show movies – the ‘fog screen’. Images are projected onto a thin and swiftly flowing wall of special fog which viewers can walk into and be surrounded. It’s expected to find use in museum displays, video games and, of course, advertising. (Especially the ad for UK tourism that goes, “Picture yourself in London on a typical spring day …”)
MORE FUN THAN ORANGE JUICE:
“New Scientist “ magazine reports that having sex once or twice a week gives a boost to the immune system and may actually help fight off colds. (I’m skeptical. Anyone wanna help disprove this?)
THEY COME WITH A PET GOOSE:
Teachers in Britain are calling for a ban on popular new dolls that scream in agony when you yank on their underwear. They’re called – no BS – ‘Wedgie Dolls’.
CAVE BABIES:
This is life in the age of DNA cloning – the museum in Austria that houses the 5,000-year-old remains of ‘Otzi’, the so-called ‘Iceman’ who was discovered in a glacier back in 1991, has received oodles of requests from women – who want to have his baby. Unfortunately, they’ve all been turned down. (Hence we’ll never hear the phrase, “Put down that club or you’ll poke out your eye!”)
HOW TO PASS TIME WHILE YOU ‘DOWNLOAD’:
Microsoft has announced the world’s first port-a-john – with Internet access. The ‘iLoo’ will feature a wireless keyboard, plasma screen and high-speed Web access when it’s unveiled at music festivals in Britain THIS SUMMER. (How handy – you can search the Web for ‘How to Survive a Poison Gas Attack’.)
WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?
A study in the MAY issue of the “Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine” finds that most patients forget as much as 80% of what their doctor tells them – as soon as they leave the office. And nearly half the info they do remember – is incorrect. (“Stop smoking and drink more… no no no stop exercising and drink more … no, that’s not it …”)
THE NAME POLICE:
Thank goodness for the Swedish Tax Authority. Not only does it collect money, it oversees the country’s rules for given names and with great wisdom just turned down a request by a couple who wanted to name their newborn son, ‘Staalman’ – Swedish for ‘Superman’. (Instead he’s been named ‘Hagar the Horrible’.)
MOMMY DEAREST:
• “Mother’s Day” in the UK (formally called “Mothering Sunday”) was held March 30th and this year 43-year-old Karen Buckley won an evening out after her partner Peter Keeffe entered her name in a local newspaper’s ‘Mother’s are Somebody Special’ contest. But when her photo appeared in the paper, readers were stunned because they recognized her as a guy named ‘Tommy’ who’d had a sex-change operation. (She won roses and an electric shaver.)
• A US organization called the Stepfamily Foundation claims that fully half of all mothers these days are stepmothers, so it’s lobbying to have “Mother’s Day” renamed “Mother’s & Stepmother’s Day” in order to include them. (Oh please. And what about same-sex mothers, single moms, estranged moms and grandmothers who filled in as mothers and …)
• There are clinics in Sydney, Australia offering “Mother’s Day” discounts on – breast implants. (Um, if you’re looking at your mom thinking, “Hey, she’d look really good with bigger boobs”, you’ve got real problems!)
THE BULL SHEET 05.08.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [77] Don Rickles, NYC, acerbic comic (‘Mr Warmth’)/film actor (‘Mr Potato Head’-“Toy Story 1 & 2″) who’s still doing stand-up in Vegas & Atlantic City
1944 [59] Gary Glitter (Paul Gadd), Banbury ENG, former ‘70s glam-rock singer who’s been deported from Cambodia ‘in the best interest of the children’, but whose drumbeat-heavy hit “Rock And Roll (Part II)” is still played at sports events
1957 [46] Bill Cowher, Pittsburgh PA, the ‘dean’ of NFL coaches (Pittsburgh Steelers since 1992)
1964 [39] Melissa Gilbert, LA CA, Screen Actors’ Guild president/former TV actress (Laura Ingalls Wilder-“Little House on the Prairie”)/youngest person ever to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
1972 [31] Darren Hayes, Brisbane AUS, pop singer (Savage Garden-“I Knew I Loved You”, “Truly Madly Deeply”) who’s now a solo artist (“Spin”)
1975 [28] Enrique Iglesias (-Preysler), Madrid SPA, pop singer (“Escape”, “Hero”, “Bailamos”)/son of syrupy singer Julio Iglesias & Filipina beauty Isabel Preysler
1985 [18] Julia Whelan, Woodstock NB, TV actress (Grace Manning-“Once & Again” 1999-2002, “The Secret Life of Zoey”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “No Socks Day”, when we’re encouraged to avoid wearing socks to feel less encumbered and help the environment by creating less laundry.
TODAY is “Third Shift Workers Day”, honoring those sleep-challenged souls who work through the night to keep things running after dark. Ask for calls from people with unusual all-night jobs. Good excuse to send a 3rd shifter out for dinner … at 7am.
TODAY is “World Red Cross Day”, celebrating the birth of International Red Cross Movement founder Jean Henry Dunant in 1863.
THIS WEEK is the 88th anniversary of “Be Kind to Animals Week”, promoting proper pet care and celebrating the importance of animals in our lives. (Mmmm, pass the bacon, please!)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1642 [361] Paul de Chomedy de Maisonneuve founds ‘Ville-Marie’ (Montréal)
1794 [209] US Post Office established
1886 [117] Atlanta pharmacist Dr John Pemberton introduces ‘Coca-Cola’, a cough syrup designed to relieve headaches
1987 [16] Canada’s 1-dollar coin is introduced (‘looney’, ‘loonie’ or ‘loony’?)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Lost Sock Memorial Day (where do they go after you put them in the dryer?)
[Fri] National Small Business Day
[Sat] Trust Your Intuition Day
[Sun] Mother’s Day
[Mon] Limerick Day
[Mon] International Nurse’s Day (Florence Nightingale’s birthday)
This Week Is . . . Small Business Week / National Postcard Week
This Month Is . . . National Arthritis Month / Hope Chest Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – A new pair of pants is just what you need … so go on, treat yourself! Besides, walking around like that you’re bound to get arrested.
• Taurus – You’re sick to death of people talking down to you. Try carrying a stool around.
• Gemini – You will wrestle with your conscience today but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.
• Cancer – Today you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don’t be noticed.
• Leo – You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with
mayonnaise and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
• Virgo – You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips today. Later, however, you’ll be able to write a killer song about it.
• Libra – Today you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say, “Hey!”
• Scorpio – Excellent day to make strange hooting noises while hiding in the bushes. Just make sure you have bail money in your pocket.
• Sagittarius – While cracking your knuckles today you will be startled to hear a ‘ping’ sound instead of a ‘pop’. Hey, it’s a bad habit anyway.
• Capricorn – Due to forces beyond your control you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually you’ll come out with audio tapes to teach others to speak ‘Bubba-Bonics’.
• Aquarius – It’s a good day to find out how honest you are. Tell yourself a big secret, then see how long you can go without leaking it.
• Pisces – Quit worrying about money ‘cause some will be on the way shortly. Just bear in mind you might have to do something for it in return. Like get a job, you lazy oaf!
REAL BUT DUMB SIGNS:
• “If You Do Not Speak English an Interpreter Will Be Provided.”
• “Do Not Pass While Opposing Traffic Present.”
• “Guide Dogs for the Blind Are Welcome.”
• “Greek Library. Use Rear Entrance.”
2003 SMOGGIEST METROPOLITAN AREAS:
1. Los Angeles-Riverside-Orange County CA
2. Fresno CA
3. Bakersfield CA
4. Visalia-Tulare-Porterville CA
5. Houston-Galveston-Brazoria TX
6. Sacramento-Yolo CA
7. Merced CA
8. Atlanta GA
9. Knoxville TN
10. Charlotte-Gastonia-Rock Hill NC/SC
Source: American Lung Association’s “State of the Air 2003″
BS HERE OR HEREAFTER?
Are the following Hall of Fame baseball players stiff or still kickin’?
• Ferguson Jenkins [Alive and 59]
• Johnny Bench [Alive and 55]
• Nolan Ryan [Alive and 56]
• Ted Williams [Died 2002]
• Willie Mays [Alive and 71]
• Hank Aaron [Alive and 69]
• Yogi Berra [Alive at 77]
• Joe DiMaggio [Died 1999]
• Reggie Jackson [Alive at 56]
• Mickey Mantle [Died in 1995]
BS BLATANT JOKE:
Are there just too may polls these days? Call me and press 1 to vote ‘Yes’, 2 to say ‘No’, and hang up if you’re undecided.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: They’re multiplying like rabbits! 5 years ago there were only about 2,000 of these in the world, now there are over 20,000 of them.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: DVD titles.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Our strength is that we don’t have any weaknesses. Our weakness is that we don’t have any real strengths.
