Wednesday, May 8, 2002        Edition: #2292
I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom!” — Rodney Dangerfield

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Heather Mills has spilled the beans that, in order to protect their privacy, she called fiancé Paul McCartney by code names when they first started dating, including ‘Lord Jock of Dundee’, ‘Vladimir the Russian masseur’, and ‘Mr Patel’ (no ‘Mean Mr Mustard’?) . . . Britney Spears has just finished filming a new Pepsi ad with “Austin Powers” star Mike Myers . . . Hot on the heels of the announcement of a “Spider-Man” sequel coming May 2004 is news that MTV is developing a new ‘Spidey’ cartoon series, featuring the voices of former “Doogie Howser” star Neil Patrick Harris and singer Lisa Loeb (as in “Whatever happened to . . .”) . . . Meantime, retail experts say sales of ‘Spidey’ merchandise could hit $1 billion . . . The recent decision to name 16-year-old singer Charlotte Church Britain’s ‘Rear of the Year’ is being investigated by — the CHILDREN’S Commissioner for Wales . . . The remaining Village People are reportedly re-forming for a summer tour (“It’s fun to play at the seeeeen-iors’ rest home . . .”) . . . In a new survey by Calgon, 89% of respondents pick Kid Rock as the celebrity most in need of a shower . . . More bad news for aspiring actress Mariah Carey – looks like her movie “Wisegirls”, which co-stars Mira Sorvino, may be released STRAIGHT-TO-VIDEO . . . And word is Russell Crowe has porked on about 25 lbs since his svelte days in “Gladiator”, the reason he’s signed up a martial arts expert to whittle him down for his next role as a Navy captain in the movie “Far Side Of The World” — of course, it’s a FEMALE martial arts expert.

BIGSCREEN BOO-BOOS:
The Website Movie-Mistakes.com says it has already received details of 64 continuity errors and other blunders in “Spider-Man”, including a lamp that ‘Peter’ breaks suddenly being fixed and the ‘Green Goblin’s’ costume alternating between dirty and clean during a fight scene. But ‘Spidey’ still has a ways to go to overtake the all-time mistake leaders — “The Matrix” with 146 errors, “Titanic” with 136, and “The Lord Of The Rings at 111.

FEDERAL BOOTLEGGING:
Canada Post is quietly getting into the business of home delivery of booze, previously thought to be illegal or at least undesirable for a Crown corporation. A new ruling allows letter carriers to deliver so-called ‘intoxicating beverages’ to residential homes from all distributors of alcohol products, including manufacturers. A practical use might be delivery of new crop wines like Beaujolais nouveau. (This could cure your drinking problem — your next bottle is coming in the mail . . . in about 3 weeks . . . if it isn’t lost . . . or broken.)

TALKING TO AMERICANS:
Highlights of a new Ipsos-Reid poll for the Canada Institute of the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars in Washington —
• 30% of Americans consider Canada just another state, as opposed to an independent country.
• 52% of Americans mistakenly think Japan or China is the USA’s biggest trading partner, while 82% of Canadians correctly identify the US as Canada’s largest trading partner.
• Most Americans (56%) say Britain is their country’s best ally, while 60% of Canadians describe the US as Canada’s best ally.

MALE HORMONES ON HOLD:
A new study published in “Context” magazine shows the number of boys between 15 and 17 having sex has dropped 8.5% in the past decade. The reason? Girls have become more assertive, more selective and demanding. (Obviously getting training from their mothers.)

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• German airline Lufthansa is now offering 45-minute ‘nostalgic flights’ over London – in a WW2 Luftwaffe bomber. The $130-trips take off from the city’s East End, which was devastated during the blitz in the 1940-41 ‘Battle of Britain’. (An extra fiver gets you water balloons to bomb Buckingham Palace.)
• The African kingdom of Buganda in Uganda is planning to slow the spread of HIV by reviving an old tradition — rewarding virginity. Those who remain virgins into their early 20s will get a gift to jump-start them into adulthood — for men perhaps a few head of cattle; for women a refrigerator or stove. An official says girls will be tested, but boys will just have to be trusted not to lie. (As we know, boys only lie about NOT being a virgin.)
• MONDAY a 19-year-old New Brunswick woman was given a suspended sentence and probation after being found guilty of arranging the theft of her OWN computer. Why the heck would anyone do that? She admits it was a misguided attempt to get her boyfriend to quit surfing for online porn. (That sure backfired — now he’s down at the strip joint every night.)
• Arcadia University in Pennsylvania has registered a 38% increase in applications since it changed its name from — Beaver College. The name was changed in November 2000 because
officials thought it might be seen as vulgar. (Funny though, applications from males are waaaaay down.)
• A competition has been held in Bangkok to find the strongest transvestite in Thailand. The event, called ‘Kratoy Ud’, or ‘Tough Transvestite’, attracted dozens of entrants. Each contestant had to take part in 5 events — carrying a 50-kilo sack of rice, kicking down a banana palm, husking a coconut, arm wrestling, and carrying buckets of water. (Adds new dimension to ‘drag racing’.)

21ST CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘The Porn-ikova Scandal’ – The nickname for the mess “Penthouse” publisher Bob Guccione has gotten himself into. It was just a couple weeks back he was lamenting the sinking profits of skin mags and now he’s facing a nail-in-the-coffin $10-million-plus lawsuit from 28-year-old Benetton heir Judith Soltesz-Benetton for publishing unauthorized topless photos of her, the ones the mag claimed were tennis star Anna Kournikova. Forget about a sales spike from all the publicity – a court order has halted distribution of the JUNE issue.
• ‘Sunless Tanning’ — Due to worries over the dangers of sun beds, some tanning salons are now offering this process whereby the customer is misted with a ‘tanning solution’ that lasts for a few days at a time. (Stick-on melanoma extra.)
• ‘Portable People Meter’ – A new beeper-like device being developed by Arbitron for measuring media audiences. It uses sensitive microphones to pick up codes embedded in radio and TV signals. Survey participants simply wear it during the day, then place it in a ‘docking station’ overnight when the data is transmitted back to the company. And to prevent cheating, it even includes a motion detector to verify someone is actually wearing it! (Say goodbye to ratings ballots!)

THE BULL SHEET 05.08.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [76] Don Rickles, NYC, acerbic comic (‘Mr Warmth’)/film actor (‘Mr Potato Head’-“Toy Story 1 & 2”) who’s still doing stand-up in Vegas and Atlantic City

1957 [45] Bill Cowher, Pittsburgh PA, the ‘dean’ of NFL coaches (Pittsburgh Steelers, since 1992)

1964 [38] Melissa Gilbert, LA CA, Screen Actors’ Guild president/former TV actress (Laura Ingalls Wilder-“Little House on the Prairie”)/youngest person ever to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

1972 [30] Darren Hayes, Brisbane AUS, pop singer (Savage Garden-“I Knew I Loved You”, “Truly Madly Deeply”) who released his first solo album “Spin” MARCH 19

1975 [27] Enrique Iglesias (Preysler), Madrid SPA, pop singer (“Escape”, “Heroe”, “Bailamos”)/son of sappy singer Julio Iglesias & Filipina beauty Isabel Preysler

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Receptionists Day”, a day of recognition for the ‘frontline personnel in business’. (Because they’re really bitter about ‘Secretaries’ Day’ 2 weeks ago.)
PHONER: 650-328-6060 (National Receptionists Society)

TODAY is “No Socks Day”, when we’re encouraged to avoid wearing socks to feel less encumbered and help the environment by creating less laundry.

TODAY is “Third Shift Workers Day”, honoring those sleep-challenged souls who work through the night to keep things running after dark. Ask for calls from people with unusual all-night jobs. Good excuse to send a 3rd shifter out for dinner . . . at 7am.

TODAY is “World Red Cross Day”, celebrating the birth of International Red Cross Movement founder Jean Henry Dunant in 1863.

THIS WEEK is the 87th anniversary of “Be Kind to Animals Week”, celebrating the importance of animals in our lives and promoting proper pet care. (Mmmm, more bacon, please!)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1642 [360] Paul de Chomedy de Maisonneuve founds ‘Ville-Marie’ (Montréal)

1794 [208] US Post Office established (the next day a disgruntled worker offs his boss with a musket)

1886 [116] Atlanta pharmacist Dr John Pemberton introduces ‘Coca-Cola’
COKE FACTS:
• Name comes from his bookkeeper who first wrote it out in the now famous script style.
• It was originally sold ‘for medicinal purposes’ at Jacob’s Pharmacy in Atlanta GA with no profits the first year.
• The business and secret formula were sold to Asa Candler for $2,300 in 1889, but it was a Mississippi candy store owner who first came up with the idea of bottling the stuff in a back room.
• In 1899, large-scale bottling began, and today more than 834 million drinks are sold each day in nearly 200 countries.

1987 [15] Canada’s 1-dollar coin is introduced (‘looney’, ‘loonie’ or ‘loony’ — how do YOU spell it?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Lost Sock Memorial Day
[Thurs] National Small Business Day
[Thurs] Eat What You Want Day
[Fri] Clean Up Your Room Day
[Sat] Birth Mothers Day
[Sat] Native American Day
Asian Pacific-American Heritage Month
[Sun] Mothers Day
[Sun] Limerick Day
Small Business Week
National Postcard Week
National Arthritis Month
National Hope Chest Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BAD IDEAS FOR MOTHER’S DAY GIFTS:
• Last year’s belated Mother’s Day gift.
• A month’s-worth of laundry.
• A family portrait of you with your dad — and his new wife.
• Separate Mother’s Day cards for each of her personalities.
• Gift certificate — one free mustache wax!

BS SPRING CLEANING TIPS:
• Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers.
• Warning! If disturbed, dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos.
• Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.
• Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.
• That haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable feng shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability.
• For that ‘just-cleaned’ aroma, mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly.

BS INTERVIEWS:
• Local officials hope renaming a lonely stretch of Highway 375 in Nevada that passes the infamous Area 51, the secret Air Force base where some wackos say crashed UFOs are kept, will attract more tourists. The road’s new name — “The ET Highway”! One hopeful resident is Pat Travis, who runs the Little A’Le’Inn bar & café in Alamo NV — where ‘alien burgers’ are the specialty of the house.
PHONER: 775-729-2515
• Wildlife researcher and inventor Troy Hurtubise of North Bay ON has just perfected the ‘Ursus Mark VII’, an armored suit that he thinks is strong enough to withstand the attack of a 10-ft (3 m), 1300-lb (590 kg) Kodiak bear. In his longtime quest to conduct close-encounter bear research, this is just his latest version of ‘bear-wear’. So how do you test it – and live?
PHONER: 705-476-5660

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What TV show most deserves to get the boot?” [In “USA Today’s” 5th annual ‘Save Our Shows’ poll, most respondents say they want “Third Watch”, “Providence”, “Spin City”, and “Touched by An Angel” returned to the tube this fall. Of the 24 shows listed in the poll, voters were least enthusiastic about “The Bachelor” (which 44% want dumped even though it’s already renewed), “That ’80s Show”, “The Amazing Race”, and “Ellie”, starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus.]
• “What’s the best novel of all time?” [YESTERDAY a poll of 100 of the world’s leading authors picked “Don Quixote”, the 17th-century Spanish tale by Cervantes, as the all-time best work of fiction. Hey, what about “The Bible”? Oops, sorry.]

WHO SAID IT?
“For me, the highest level of sexual excitement is in a monogamous relationship.”
a) Russell Crowe
b) Hugh Grant
c) Warren Beatty
ANSWER: Warren Beatty

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: One-third of men say they would only do this under great pressure and some would even lie to avoid it.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Go to a ‘chick flick’.

BULLMAIL@THEBULLSHEET.COM:
“Really appreciate you sending your sheet so early in the morning. I realize you can’t do it every day but it helps me get my show prep organized that much easier!”
Blessings from Seattle,
Dave W @ Jones Radio Network
[We aim for a mid-day (ET) delivery of the NEXT DAY’S BS. If you think your BS arrives early in Seattle, imagine what time it must be in Sydney or Kuala Lumpur — it’s like . . . next week!]

BS TAG LINE:
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they’re open.