Monday, May 12, 2008        Edition: #3773
Good Morning, Sheetheads!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Hollywood acting couple Kate Hudson & Owen Wilson are reportedly engaged. After being spotted together on several occasions recently, she’s now said to be sporting a huge sparkler on her ring finger. The couple first got together on the set of 2006 movie “You, Me & Dupree” then parted ways in June 2007, just 2 months before his apparent suicide attempt. (Don’t do it, she’ll just kick you to the curb again! Ask Chris Robinson.)
– “News Of the World”
• 38-year-old actress Uma Thurman is suing cosmetics giant Lancome for a whopping $15 million. She signed on as company spokeswoman in 2000 but contends her name and image have continued to pop up on corporate websites and billboards in Canada and Asia since the contract ended in 2005. Lancome denies breach of contract and has asked for a ruling against the claim. (No matter who’s right, what this all means is … somebody’s not getting as many big-money film roles as she used to.)
– Reuters
• TV host Ellen DeGeneres celebrated her big 5-0 with a star-studded blowout carnival and casino-themed bash SATURDAY night on the Warner Bros lot in Burbank CA. Among the 600 or so on the guest list were newlyweds Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon, Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes, Tom Hanks, Lindsay Lohan, Jamie Foxx, Paris Hilton, and recording mogul Clive Davis. Pink was the onstage entertainment. Ellen actually turned 50 on JANUARY 26th, but postponed her party plans because of the writers’ strike. (Obviously one can’t have a party without writers, can one?)
– E! News
• “American Idol” contestant David Archuleta’s meddlesome dad has been banned from prepping his 17-year-old son’s performances. Why? Jeff Archuleta ignored warnings and encouraged his son to alter the lyrics to “Stand By Me” by throwing in a few lines from Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls”. The unauthorized alteration apparently cost the show big money in legal fees. (That said, it was one of the few inventive things that happened in a dull episode.)
– TMZ.com
• Victoria Beckham is set to make her acting debut in the new movie “Hardy Men” after being personally hired by the film’s star … her pal Tom Cruise. Word has it he surprised her at her recent birthday party with an invitation to both design the costumes AND make a cameo appearance in the film, a spoof of “The Hardy Boys” kids book series. (Actually Victoria was in the 1997 film “Spice World”, but that didn’t count as ‘acting’.)
– “Daily Express”
• Lindsay Lohan’s rep is denying a report claiming that she was dropped from “Manson Girls“, the upcoming bio-pic about mass murderer Charles Manson, because the other actors refused to work with her. No, the problem, you see, was apparently there were ‘scheduling issues’ and other roles offered in the meantime. (BS translation: She’s now a total pariah in Hollywood.)
– DeadlineHollywoodDaily.com
• And 82-year-old “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner says 15-year-old mega-star Miley Cyrus would be ‘welcomed in the magazine’ … but only after she turns 18. Hef claims the furore over her fairly tame poses for “Vanity Fair” is a reflection of ‘how schizophrenic America is about sexuality’. (Maybe … but his offer to pose in the buff is still kind of creepy anyway.)

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alanis Morissette – She tells “People” it took her 4 years to get around to her new album due to a ‘relationship breakdown’ which left her at ‘rock bottom’. Though she doesn’t name names, her engagement to actor Ryan Reynolds ended in 2007. He’s now engaged to actress Scarlett Johansson.
• Bee Gees – First ABBA, then Queen, and now the music of the Bee Gees will be adapted into a stage musical designed to hit Broadway and London’s West End within a year-and-a-half.
• Carrie Underwood – SATURDAY night Garth Brooks welcomed the 25-year-old country star as the newest member of the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville. Afterward she sang a duet with Vince Gill.
• Coldplay – As you’ve likely found out by now if you downloaded their new single “Violet Hill” for ‘free’, your email address has automatically been added to their record company’s mass mailing list of ‘news and events’. At least they’ve included a link to ‘unsubscribe’.
• John Mayer – He reportedly flew from NYC to Miami for the weekend in order to spend more time with actress Jennifer Aniston, who’s just finished shooting the movie “Marley & Me” there. She convinced Mayer to perform at the film’s wrap party SATURDAY night. They haven’t denied there’s a relationship but are apparently trying to keep it low-profile. Too late for that!
• John Michael Montgomery – The ”Letters From Home” country singer has put his schedule on hold and voluntarily checked himself into a rehab treatment center for substance abuse.
• Justin Timberlake – He’s set to produce a new MTV game show called “The Phone”, in which bystanders who answer abandoned cellphones are offered the chance to win cash by completing adventurous ‘missions’. (It’s “Mission: Impossible” … the game.)
• Velvet Revolver – Slash says he gave up his collection of some 80 pet snakes because he worried that having deadly pythons and boas in the house wouldn’t be a safe environment for his child. (Gee, ya think?)

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “American Gladiators II” (NBC/CityTV) – In the 2nd season debut, host Hulk Hogan introduces 3 new Gladiators and shows off the all-new, hi-tech Gladiator Arena. (See BULL’S BITS.)
• Babyshambles – The Brit rockers play a one-off show in London to celebrate frontman Pete Doherty’s release from prison. (What are the odds he gets busted for dope during the gig?)
• ”The Bachelor: Finale” (ABC/CityTV) – Yep, already Brit bachelor Matt Grant is ready to hand out the final rose … but has anyone actually been watching?
•”How I Met Your Mother” (CBS) – Britney Spears returns for a second guest shot playing dorky receptionist ‘Abby’.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC/CityTV) – Lyfe Jennings (“Never Never Land”) is onstage.
• “Late Night” (NBC) – Former “SNL” comedian Jimmy Fallon is expected to be formally introduced as Conan O’Brien’s replacement during a network presentation to advertisers in NYC. Conan moves to replace Jay Leno on the “Tonight Show” in 2009.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – NERD performs.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – ‘Claymates’ will be thrilled Clay Aiken’s on.

HAIR POLLUTION?
A British study, published in the “Journal of Investigative Dermatology”, suggests that men living in polluted areas are more likely to … go bald. Baldness is known to be hereditary but the new research indicates that environmental factors may worsen hair loss. The authors of the study believe that toxins and carcinogens found in polluted air can stop hair from growing by blocking the production of protein that builds follicles. (Another reason bald guys shouldn’t drive ‘Vettes.)
– “Daily Telegraph”

BOTTLED BEEF:
Like meat? Enough to drink it? A company called Liquid Innovations has felt it necessary to develop ‘MeatWater High Efficiency Survival Beverage’. Yep, protein in a bottle that comes in a variety of flavors from ‘Cheeseburger’ to ‘Tandoori Chicken’ to ‘English Breakfast’. The makers advise that you store it cool, but drink it warm. (Mmm, when it comes to liquified flesh in a bottle, you just can’t beat your MeatWater!)
NET: http://dinnerinabottle.com

TIPS ON TOPPING UP TIPS:
Cornell University Social psychologist Michael Lynn has analyzed some 23 separate studies on restaurant tipping and has found the following …
• Restaurant servers who squat next to a table get a full dollar more per tip than if they stand.
• Males tip attractive waitresses an extra 20% but attractive waiters get nothing extra from females.
• Writing ‘Thank you!’ on the back of a restaurant bill increases tips by 13%.
• Drawing a smiley face on the bill boosts tips for waitresses but reduces them for waiters.
– HowStuffWorks.com

HOW TO SLOW DOWN THE MORNING RUSH:
• Wake Up Right – Paul Pearsall, author of “The Last Self-Help Book You’ll Ever Need”, suggests setting your alarm clock early, but don’t get up when it rings. Lie there a few minutes and think about who and what is worth getting up for.
• Take Off Your Watch – In his book “In Praise of Slowness”, author Carl Honoré notes that we hurry up when we see a clock, which is why stores don’t have clocks … they want us to linger. He suggests you test this technique by going ‘watch-free’ on evenings and weekends.
• Listen to Relaxing Music – Your body synchronizes to the rhythms around you, according to psychologist Sharon Heller, author of “Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight”. In order to chill, she says, you should look for music that’s paced to a relaxed heartbeat, about 60 beats per minute.
– “Natural Health Magazine”

THE TRAITS THAT MAKE YOU:
Author Daniel Nettle’s new book, “Personality: What Makes You the Way You Are”, identifies the 5 aspects to character: agreeableness, conscientiousness, extroversion, neuroticism, and openness to experience. What’s interesting, he claims, is that 4-of-those-5 factors have been identified in more than 60 species, including cats, dogs, pigs, even the octopus. It seems only ‘conscientiousness’, a cognitively complex trait is limited to humans. (Yeah? Ever watch your dog dig up a bone? Now that’s conscientious!)
– “The Times”

HOLLYWOOD’S BUFFEST COUPLES:
A new ranking of the toniest twosomes in show biz …
5. Pop singer Fergie & actor Josh Duhamel (ex-“Las Vegas”).
4. Actors Rebecca Romijn (“Ugly Betty”) & Jerry O’Connell (ex-“Carpoolers”).
3. “High School Musical” co-stars Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens.
2. Model Gisele Bundchen & NFL QB Tom Brady.
1. Singer Justin Timberlake & movie actress Jessica Biel.
– “In Touch Weekly”

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• You’re more than twice as likely to fool around on your mate if one of your parents did, according to a British study.
• Giraffes don’t need much sleep. Some only get 10 minutes-worth in a 24-hour period.
• Weapons used in robberies over the last 10 years in Australia include an egg, a frozen sausage, an artificial leg, and … a toilet seat.

BS CHRONOMETER 05.12.08

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1921 [87] Farley Mowatt, Belleville ON, conservationist/wildlife author (“Never Cry Wolf”)/Order of Canada (1981)

1937 [71] George Carlin, NYC, ground-breaking stand-up comedian (“Seven Words You Cannot Say on TV”)

1948 [60] Steve Winwood, Birmingham UK, classic rock musician (“Higher Love”, Spencer Davis Group-“Gimme Some Lovin’”)/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (2004)

1955 [53] (Leon) Kix Brooks, Shreveport LA, country singer (Brooks & Dunn-“Put a Girl in It”, “Play Something Country”)

1959 [49] Ving Rhames, NYC, movie actor (“Mission: Impossible” films, “Pulp Fiction”)

1962 [46] Emilio Estevez, NYC, movie director (“Bobby”)/movie actor (“The Mighty Ducks”)/son of actor Martin Sheen/brother of Charlie Sheen/wed to Paul Abdul (1992-94)

1970 [38] Mike Weir, Sarnia ON, pro golfer (2003 Masters, 1999 Air Canada Championship)/winery spokesperson (Mike Weir Estate Winery)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day”, the syndrome officially known as myalgic encephalomyelitis, or ‘M-E’. There were some special events planned but the M-E Association was just too burnt out to have the energy to pull them off.

• ”International Nurses Day”, kicking off “Canadian Nurse’s Week”, by commemorating the 1820 birth date of the founder of modern nursing, Florence Nightingale. Here’s to you, RNs!
YOU MIGHT BE A NURSE IF …
– Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal.
– You have weekends off planned a year in advance.
– You believe that ‘too stupid to live’ should be a reasonable diagnosis.
– Your feet are slightly flatter and tougher than ‘Fred Flintstone’s’.
– You compliment complete strangers on the size of their veins.
– You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a Valium salt lick.
– You are not surprised when your patient says, “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”

• “International Nurses Day”, commemorating the 1820 birth date of the founder of modern nursing, Florence Nightingale, and wrapping up “Nurses’ Week”.

• “Kite Day”, a good excuse to tell someone to go fly theirs.

• “Limerick Day”, celebrating the 1812 birthday of Edward Lear, author of the first collection of limericks, “The Book of Nonsense”. You’ll find some ‘Loony Limericks’ here …
NET: http://home.earthlink.net/~kristenaa

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1937 [71] 1st-ever ‘Worldwide Radio Broadcast’ (coronation of Britain’s King George VI)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1978 [30] National Weather Service announces hurricanes will no longer exclusively be given female names

1997 [11] 1st woman to swim the 118 miles from Cuba to Florida (Australian Susie Maroney in a time of 24.5 hours)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1992 [16] 30 men & 2 women from 9 nations all reach the summit of Mount Everest, the most climbers on the peak in a single day (at the top, they’re greeting by a Sherpa with a ‘Stop/Slow’ sign)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] 3rd Shift Workers Day
[Wed] Receptionists Day
[Wed] Dance Like a Chicken Day
[Wed-May 25] 2008 Cannes Film Festival
[Thurs] “CSI” season finalé (CBS)
[Fri] Bike to Work Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Deaf Awareness Week / Detect-A-Leak Week / Flexible Work Arrangements Week / Historic Preservation Week / Nursing Home Week / Police Week / Salute to 35+ Moms Week / Salvation Army Week / Self-Help Book Week / Stuttering Awareness Week / Tourism Week / Transportation Week / Universal Family Week / Women’s Health Week

BULL’S BITS

BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
LEAST POPULAR MOTHER’S DAY GIFTS:
Odds are you failed to score brownie marks YESTERDAY if you resorted to one of these …
• Tickets to “Dr Phil” for an upcoming show on ‘Moms With Big Asses’.
• New cookbook: “Learn To Cook Before You Kill Us All!”
• Re-gifted flowers … sympathy card still attached.
• The ‘Laxatives-Of-the-World Gift Set’.
• Greeting card reading: “Mother … half of my favorite word in the English language!”

“AMERICAN GLADIATOR” OR AMERICAN CAR MODEL … OR BOTH?
• ‘Blaze’ [Gladiator]
• ‘Malibu’ [Both]
• ‘Nitro’ [Both]
• ‘Bronco’ [Both]
• ‘Laser’ [Both]
• ‘Thunder’ [Gladiator]
• ‘Viper’ [Both]
• ‘Atlas’ [Gladiator]
• ‘Storm’ [Both]
• ‘Spark’ [Car]
– Thanks to Sarah Spooner.

BS RANDOM JOKE:
The quickest way to have a family reunion is to win a lottery.

BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the strangest appliance you own?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Between the ages of 2-and-5, the average kid does THIS approximately 400,000 times.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Asks a question.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Computer rule #1: Just because it worked yesterday doesn’t mean that it’s going to work today.