Wednesday, May 30, 2001 Edition: #2066
BS SIGNS YOU OWN A CRAPPY CAR:
• A full tank of gas doubles the Blue Book value.
• Thieves steal your ‘Club’, leave the car.
• ‘New car smell’ has been replaced with far less pleasing ‘old person smell’.
• Accelerates from 0 to 100 in just under 37 minutes.
• It failed emissions test — when it wasn’t running.
• Owner’s manual includes several prayers.
• Has digital display indicating number of people now laughing at you.
• Every time you take it out for a drive, tow trucks circle it like vultures.
• You have to change gears 3 times to get over a speed bump.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Actor-producer John Stamos is teaming up with MTV to produce a reality show called “The Virgin Chronicles” in which music stars talk about their ‘first time’ (who really wants to hear about when Christina Aguilera was 10?) . . . Christina Aguilera has bought her family a new $1.5-million high-security mansion after fans were found pawing through the trash at their previous Pennsylvania house (now the only visible trash is when Christina comes home to visit) . . . Limp Bizkit wild man Fred Durst is going to be a father — not with Christina Aguilera, Carmen Electra, or any of the other babes he’s reportedly been nailing – but with girlfriend Jennifer Rovero, and they’ll reportedly name the nipper ‘Dallas’ after the city where the l’il Bizkit was conceived (thank goodness it wasn’t Peoria) . . . George Clooney’s Brit girlfriend, model/MTV host Lisa Snowdon, says she’s been asked twice to pose for “Playboy” and she’s ready to lay it out — as soon as the price is right . . . Meantime, Leonardo DiCaprio’s fiancée, model Gisele Bundchen, has posed for one of those milk ads — wearing little more than the moustache (it’s up to her to wear it, ‘cause he still can’t grow one) . . . Word is Madonna will open her upcoming tour in Barcelona June 9th by FLYING on stage.
FLY BRAINS:
According to new British research, flying can lead to brain shrinkage. A University of Bristol study of frequent fliers who regularly traveled across multiple time zones for at least 5 years found that repeated exposure to jet lag shrinks the brain and can permanently affect memory
and thinking ability. (Well let’s see, politicians travel a lot . . .).
RETURN OF THE MIDDLE AGES:
The chastity belt is making a comeback, thanks to people in committed, long-term relationships who wish to make a statement. Some wear them only at parties or other occasions where they wish to remain chaste, while others are wearing them for weeks at a time as a sign of affection. One manufacturer is selling women’s models for $375, and men’s for $440.
PHONER: 631-226-7935 (Paul Tooker, Access Denied-Lindenhurst N.Y)
NET: http://www.chastitybelt.net
BOTTOM’S REALLY UP:
According to the “Wall Street Journal”, the markup on liquor in bars is now between 500% and 800%, double what it was just 4 years ago. In example, a ‘Gray Goose’ vodka and tonic now costs $11.50 at Atlanta’s Ritz-Carlton, a ‘Kumquat Martini’ will set you back $15 at Miami’s Rumi bar, and at trendy Betelnut Pejiu Wu in San Francisco, an exotic ‘Scorpion Bowl’ now costs an amazing $24. (No, I’m SURE it’s your round.)
GOOFY GIVEAWAY:
Those tacky plastic pink flamingos have become a hot fad again. First developed in 1957 by Fitchburg MA inventor Don Featherstone as a lawn ornament, they’ve now become a kitschy form of art nouveau. What makes them a great ‘booby prize’ is they’re cheap – give ‘em away by the dozen as a consolation. Or take nominations from listeners on who deserves to be ‘flamingo-ed’, then pick a weekly ‘winner’ who’ll wake up with a front lawn full of ‘em!
DIRTY MONEY:
A new study says a fistful of germs is handed over whenever money change hands. After testing multiple samples of used money, microbiologists report they found significant amounts of bacteria which commonly cause infections in healthy people. (So for the sake of your health, spot me a 20 would ya?)
THE BULL SHEET 05.30.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [55] Don Ferguson, Montreal PQ, radio/TV comic (the ‘youngster’-“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)
1964 [37] Wynonna [Judd] (Christina Ciminella), Ashland KY, country singer (“Love Like That”, “Can’t Nobody Love You Like I Do”) FACTOID: Took her name from town of Wynona OK
1964 [37] Tom Morello, rock guitarist, (Rage Against The Machine-“Sleep Now in the Fire”)
1971 [30] Patrick Dahlheimer, York PA, rock bassist (Live-“Lightning Crashes”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Joan of Arc Feast Day” in France, honoring the ‘Maid of Orleans’ who was condemned as a heretic and burned at the stake at age 19 in 1431 (to celebrate, burn a steak – on the BBQ).
For some unknown reason, someone somewhere has declared TODAY “My Bucket’s Got A Hole In It Day” (which is far preferable to the other way around).
ON THIS DAY . . .
1997 [04] Former all-star Montreal Canadiens goalie Ken Dryden becomes president of Toronto Maple Leafs (how’s his report card lookin’ so far?)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1889 [112] 1st ‘brassiere’ invented NOTE: San Francisco Bay area artists Emily Duffy and Ron Nicolino are dueling to see who can create the largest ‘artwork’ made from a giant ball of bras. Currently hers weighs 650 lbs, while his is up to 1,300. Both keep growing through ‘spontaneous donation’.
PHONER: 415-362-5125 (Pier 23 Café, close to Nicolino’s ‘exhibit’)
1896 [105] 1st ‘auto accident’ as motorist Henry Wells of Springfield MA hits bicyclist Evelyn Thomas on a NYC street, breaking her leg (she’s immediately contacted by 1st ‘ambulance chaser’)
1911 [90] 1st “Indianapolis 500″ race, won by Ray Harroun in 6 hrs, 42 mins averaging 74.59 mph
1981 [20] ‘Compact Disc’ (CD) 1st introduced (next day, 1st consumer pitches a fit trying to open the damn shrinkwrap)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Seniors Health and Fitness Day
[Thurs] National Macaroon Day
National High Blood Pressure Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WEB GOODIES:
• Perform your own numerology readings on-air! Work out a persons ‘number’ by adding their birth date together, then click on the number table on this Website for an instant reading.
NET: http://www.palmistry.office2000.com.au/numerology.htm
• This Website gives you pay phone numbers all over the planet so you can talk to someone on-site wherever something’s going on.
NET: http://www.payphone-project.com
• Get the lyrics to thousands of popular songs here. Great resource if you’re writing parodies.
NET: http://lyrics.astraweb.com
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the worst thing men/women do after sex?”
TRUTH OR BS?
• The reason tennis balls are fuzzy is because live hamsters were originally used when the game was developed in the 17th century. (Um, total BS. The fuzz is to slow the ball down and increase racket control.)
• About 40% of the pure water you use in your house is flushed down the toilet. (Sad but TRUE.)
• Dandelions are more nutritious than spinach. (TRUE says “Yankee” magazine, but don’t you find you always cough on the furballs?)
• About 1 in 500 humans have one blue eye and one brown eye. (TRUE, while about 1 in 5 NHL players has one blue eye and one black eye.)
• If you’re average, you’ll sleep about 220,000 hours in your lifetime. (TRUE, but only 110,000 if you’re a morning radio personality.)
• The 1st coin-operated vending machine ever designed was for condoms. (BS. Actually it was a holy water dispenser in Greece that required a 5 drachma coin to operate.)
• The average person will spend 2 weeks of their lifetime waiting for traffic lights to change. (TRUE. And if you wanna get it over with all at once, just head to [busy local intersection] during rush hour.)
BS TAG LINE:
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
YOU’RE ON COMMISSION! WE’LL BONUS YOU ONE FREE MONTH FOR EACH AND EVERY NEW BS SUBSCRIBER YOU REFER!
