Tuesday, May 29, 2001 Edition: #2065
BS LIST:
Every husband, boyfriend or significant other knows there are certain times when saying the wrong thing can get you into a lot of trouble. So, as a public service, here’s the BS . . .
“HORMONE HOSTAGE” LANGUAGE GUIDE:
DANGEROUS: “What’s for dinner?”
SAFER: “Can I help you with dinner?”
SAFEST: “Where would you like to go for dinner?”
DANGEROUS: “Are you wearing THAT?”
SAFER: “Gee, you look good in brown.”
SAFEST: “Wow! Look at you!”
DANGEROUS: “Should you be eating that?”
SAFER: “You know, there are a lot of apples left.”
SAFEST: “Can I get you a glass of wine with that?”
DANGEROUS: “What did you DO all day?”
SAFER: “I hope you didn’t overdo it today.”
SAFEST: “I’ve always loved you in that robe.”
DANGEROUS: “What are you so worked up about?”
SAFER: “Could we be overreacting?”
SAFEST: “Here’s 50 dollars.”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT A&E’s “Biography” profiles Tim McGraw, including interviews with wife Faith Hill, his mom and sisters (and the Orchard Park NY sheriff?) . . . There’s a rumor circulating that Mr & Mrs Brad Pitt are expecting a baby (if it’s a girl, they’ll name her ‘Olive’) . . . Buzz has it classic rocker and sometime actor Meat Loaf and his 26-year wife Leslie Loaf are divorcing (perhaps it’s MORE than just a nickname?) . . . Meantime, “Spin City” star Heather Locklear may cash in on a celebrity split, trying to talk rocker-hubby Richie Sambora into buying a summer house on Long Island – the one owned by divorcing duo Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Academy Award-winner Benicio Del Toro headline “Traffic”, a look at the war against drugs that won Steven Soderbergh the 2001 ‘Best Director’ Oscar . . . Willem Dafoe got an Oscar nom for his role in “Shadow of the Vampire”, the scary story of the 1921 filming of the epic vampire movie “Nosferatu” . . . Gillian Anderson & Dan Aykroyd in the period drama “The House of Mirth”, a tragic love story set in turn-of-the-last-century New York.
21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘Urban Explorers’ — Adventurers who visit off-limits areas in cities around-the-world, places like subway tunnels, closed factories and abandoned buildings. The illegal practice has spawned several magazines and Websites. (And oodles of trespassing charges.)
• ‘Temporal-3′ – The international standard warning for ‘building evacuation’, it’s a repeated sequence of 3 continual warning tones (BEEP BEEP BEEP) and then a break. This has been Canada’s official building-evacuation signal since 1995, but a recent poll finds only 5% of us know what the heck it means. (The fries are done?)
• ‘Time Stacker’ – Someone who is constantly juggling 2 or more tasks at the same time. (Driving on the freeway, talking on the phone while drinking a cup of coffee.)
WILL WORK FOR COOKIES:
The children’s television market has become so competitive “Sesame Street” has laid off 70 people, 20% of its workforce. (‘The Count’ has been counting, “ONE pink slip! TWO pink slips! THREE pink slips! Ha ha ha!”)
GOOFY GIZMOS:
• The new ‘Invisible Jim’ doll is now on sale in Britain for about 2 bucks. That’s right, it’s an INVISIBLE action figure that the dollmaker claims ‘encourages children to use their imagination’. Incredibly, the empty packages are selling well and the distributor has received no complaints from consumers. (Geez, next they’ll be selling rocks in boxes as pets. Oh wait, they already did that.)
• A prototype ‘RADAR’ flashlight has been developed by scientists at Georgia Tech. When pressed against a wall, it sends a signal through that determines if there’s someone on the other side. After it’s perfected, the $1,500-device will be marketed for police use. (Eliminating the exhausting procedure of knocking and asking, “Anybody in there?”)
WACKY WORLD OF BS:
• New Zealand is planning what may be the world’s first ‘flatulence tax’. Farmers will be charged for each cow or sheep they own to offset damage to the ozone layer from the gases they produce. (If [your co-host] was a New Zealander, he’d be broke!)
• Nightclubs in Leicester (LES-ter), England are playing theme songs from children’s TV shows at closing time in an attempt to make patrons less likely to fight as they leave the club. (When I’m reminded of my childhood, I think of how often I was picked on and it makes me want to kick some ass!)
• The notoriously snooty waiters of France are being asked to sign contracts — agreeing to be NICE to foreign customers. The French government hopes the agreement will encourage more people to visit France and help boost tourism revenue. (How about adding a rider to the contract forcing them to bathe?)
THE BULL SHEET 05.29.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1903 [98] Bob (Leslie Townes) Hope, Eltham ENG, former actor/comedian who received honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II in 1998
1958 [43] Annette Bening, Topeka KS, film actress (“American Beauty”, “The American President”)/Mrs Warren Beatty (4 kids together)
1959 [42] Rupert Everett, Norfolk ENG, movie actor (“The Next Best Thing”, “Inspector Gadget”)
1961 [40] Melissa Etheridge, Leavenworth KS, rock singer (“I Want to Come Over”, “Come to My Window”)/Mr Julie Cypher (2 children together, both artificially inseminated from David Crosby)
1967 [34] Noel Gallagher, Manchester ENG, rock guitarist/songwriter (Oasis-“Who Feels Love”, “Champagne Supernova”)/Liam Gallagher’s brother NOTE: Their parents divorced when Noel was 15 after their father hit their mother over the head with a hammer (which may explain how they became such !*%holes)
1975 [26] Melanie “Scary Spice” B (Brown), Leeds ENG, pop singer (Spice Girls-“Too Much”) who’s been spending beyond her means, forcing her to sell her UK country estate
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
In England, TODAY is “Oak-Apple Day” or “Shick-Shack Day”, the anniversary of the restoration of Charles II to the British throne in 1660, traditionally marked by wearing an oak leaf or twig (wearing the whole tree is considered ostentatious). Prince Charles has let it be known that if and when he becomes king, he’d rather be called ‘King George VII’ rather than ‘Charles III’ because the previous Charlies were lousy leaders – Charles I was beheaded, and Charles II fathered so many illegitimate children that he was known as the ‘Father of his People’.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1992 [09] Sad day in music history as Billy Ray Cyrus hits #1 with debut single “Achy Breaky Heart”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1900 [101] Otis Elevator Co trademarks the name ‘Escalator’
1953 [48] 1st to scale Mt Everest (Sir Edmund Hillary & Sherpa guide Tenzing Norkay) NOTE: A 15-year-old Sherpa boy who lost 5 fingers to frostbite has just become the youngest climber to conquer Everest (ya know, puberty is a hell of a time to lose 5 fingers)
1998 [03] Shania Twain kicks off 1st-ever world tour with a 2-night stand in Sudbury ON
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1988 [13] Longest knitted scarf completed (20 miles, 13 feet)
1996 [05] Odd record set for longest names of 2 starting pitchers in one MLB game (San Francisco Giant William VanLandingham and NY Met Jason Isringhausen – 37 letters)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] World No-Tobacco Day
National Bathroom Reading Week
Hydrotherapy Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
SNARKIEST “PEARL HARBOR” REVIEWS:
• “When the smoke clears we’re left with a love story that drags from here to eternity.” (“Charlotte Observer”)
• “Two of the three longest movies we’ve ever sat through.” (Chuck Schwartz, “Cranky Critic”)
• “A two hour movie squeezed into three hours.” (Roger Ebert)
• “Better to wait until it’s available on video and you have the option of using the fast-forward button.” (James Berardinelli’s “Reelviews”)
• “Perhaps they should have called this ‘Bore-a Bore-a Bore-a’.” (“Washington Post”)
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What is the creepiest creature?” (In a new Zogby poll of adults, 34% say snakes, 20% pick spiders, and 17% rats [just ahead of Michael Jackson].)
BS BODY FACTS:
• The cartilage in your nose doesn’t stop growing. Expect it to grow a half-inch longer and wider as you age.
• New freckles generally stop appearing after age 19 or 20.
BS TAG LINE:
Reputation is what you need to get a job. Character is what you need to keep it.
