Friday, May 25, 2001 Edition: #2063
THE MONTH’S WACKIEST TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Miracle Baby Crawls on Water!”
• “Einstein Was a Chick Magnet!”
• “Gal Coughs Up 4½ Pound Hairball — During Job Interview!”
• “Man Gets Sex Change, By Mistake!”
• “Donkey Man Banned From Drive-in Movies!”
• “Stairway to Heaven Found!”
• “Dead Grandfather’s Image Appears on Ultrasound of Fetus!”
• “Swimming Pig Saves Boy From Watery Grave!” (Makes you wonder – is Pam Anderson back with “Baywatch 2″?)
(Thanks to the ever-inventive “Weekly World News”)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT and tomorrow Alanis Morissette is warming up for a 12-country tour of European festivals, arenas and clubs with 2 shows at Los Angeles’ El Rey Theater . . . TOMORROW the Guess Who receive honorary Doctor of Music degrees at Brandon University’s spring convocation ceremony (Dr Bachman?) . . . For the 2nd year in a row, a poll in British men’s magazine “FHM” has picked Jennifer Lopez as the ‘Sexiest Woman in the World’ (narrowly beating out Tom Cruise) . . . A company that conducts tours of infamous Hollywood crime scenes has already added key sites involved in the Bonny Lee Bakley murder . . . Word is Rick Schroder is leaving the cast of “NYPD Blue” after 2½ seasons as ‘Detective Danny Sorenson’, returning only briefly THIS FALL (he’s sick and tired of looking at Dennis Franz’s butt) . . . “Pearl Harbor” star Ben Affleck has reportedly been boasting that he’s been juggling 5 girlfriends at one time — and wants more! . . . And Christina Aquilera tells “Now” magazine she’s no virgin, claiming, “All this do-not-touch nonsense is not me. I’m a proud, sexual girl — a woman actually” (unfortunately, with the body of an 8 year-old).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENING:
No one has the guts to open against “Pearl Harbor”, touted as THE blockbuster of the summer.
• The $140 million film, starring Ben Affleck, Kate Beckinsale and Josh Hartnett, cost MORE than the actual Japanese invasion.
• THIS WEEK’S $5 million premiere party was likely the most expensive ever.
• The movie’s vintage-style posters, mimicking the artwork of World War II propaganda posters, are going for more than $250 on the Internet and being stolen wherever they’re posted.
• The film runs 2 and three-quarter hours. One criticism has been that the actual attack does not come until 1 hour, 40 minutes into the film.
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• Egyptian doctors report they have successfully removed a 100-LB CYST from the stomach of a 17-year-old girl. (She’s said to have recovered well enough to sign a contract to appear in “Alien 5″)
• A German man has divorced his wife of 18 years because she refused to kick their SNORING DOG off the bed. (Didn’t I see this in the comic strip “Marmaduke”?)
• Carbon Canyon Christian School in California recently gave an object lesson on where meat comes from. Students as young as 5 watched as a butcher STUNNED AND SKINNED a half-ton bull, then removed its organs to show them. (The impressionable young minds now also have a fuller understanding of where nightmares come from.)
• British police are investigating what they call “a racially-motivated hate crime” in which a Scottish woman living in Manchester, England was the victim of a ‘HAGGIS ATTACK’. Seems a clump of the traditional Scottish dish made from sheep stomach was thrown through her front window. (Usually you have a ‘haggis attack’ after eating the stuff.)
“NO GRANDPA! DON’T GIVE ME A KISS!”
Here’s a piss-poor excuse for a fitness plan — a 68-year-old Indonesian retiree says drinking and bathing in his own urine fights the aging process and various diseases including cancer. Iwan Budiarso of South Jakarta says, “I’ve found that drinking one litre a day is enough. The rest I use for massage.” (Um, anyone want the rest of my lemonade?)
FISH BRAINS:
Researchers at Washington University say that eating seafood can make you smarter. Their
findings suggest there is a link between ‘DHA’, a fatty acid found in seafood and IQ. Results show a seafood diet can increase a person’s IQ by 20%! (Hmm, I wonder if this includes the ‘Bearded Clam’?)
THE BULL SHEET 05.25.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [57] Frank Oz, Hereford ENG, movie director (Bowfinger, In & Out)/Muppeteer (voice of ‘Miss Piggy’, ‘Fozzie Bear’, ‘Animal’, ‘Bert’, ‘Grover’, ‘Cookie Monster’) NET: ‘Miss Piggy’ sound clips here – http://www.hometurf.com/ladies3.html
1963 [38] Mike Myers, Scarborough ON, movie actor (“Shrek”, “Austin Powers” series, “Wayne’s World”)
1969 [32] Anne Heche, Aurora OH, film actress (“6 Days 7 Nights”, “Wag the Dog”)/Ellen DeGeneres’ ex-partner
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [53] Stevie Nicks, Phoenix AZ, classic rock singer (Fleetwood Mac-“Dreams”)
1949 [52] Hank Williams Jr, Shreveport LA, country singer (“Monday Night Football” theme, “Family Tradition”)
1962 [39] Bobcat Goldthwait, Syracuse NY, comedian/actor/cartoon voice
1964 [37] Lenny Kravitz, NYC, rock musician (“American Woman”, “Are You Gonna Go My Way”)
1966 [35] Helena Bonham Carter, London ENG, film actress (“Fight Club”, “Howard’s End”)
1970 [31] Joseph Fiennes, Salisbury ENG, movie actor (“Shakespeare in Love”, “Elizabeth”)/brother of actor Ralph Fiennes
1975 [26] Lauryn Hill (as in ‘Whatever happened to?’), South Orange NJ, pop/R&B singer (“Everything Is Everything”, “Doo Wop [That Thing]”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Morning Radio Wise Guy Day”, honoring you dedicated fools who get up before 5 am to start the day with humor, music and information.
TODAY is “Flirting Day” (aka ‘Get Your Ass Slapped With a Harassment Suit Day’).
TODAY is “National Missing Children’s Day”, promoting awareness of the problem and safety tips for kids and parents. Actress Jamie Lee Curtis is in Washington DC TODAY promoting the cause.
TODAY is “National Tap Dance Day”, honoring the birthday of Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, ‘King of Tap Dancers’, in 1878.
SUNDAY is the 85th “Indianapolis 500″, known as ‘The Greatest Spectacle in Racing’. Some highlights . . .
• Aerosmith’s Steve Tyler will sing the national anthem.
• Model Elaine Irwin-Mellencamp, wife of rock singer John Mellencamp, will become the 1st-ever woman to drive the pace car. Kim Basinger was scheduled but became ill with bronchitis.
• Scott Sharp, a ‘son of Indianapolis’, has the pole position, qualifying at just over 226 mph.
NET: http://www.indy500.com
ON THIS DAY . . .
1995 [06] NHL’s Quebec Nordiques are sold to Americans who move the team to Colorado (otherwise we might be cheering for another Stanley Cup for a Canadian team)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1977 [24] 1st “Star Wars” movie is released (#5 movie all-time, grossing $798 million worldwide)
1987 [14] 1st harness racing driver to win 10,000 races (Canada’s Hervé Fillion)
1989 [12] 1st (and only) Stanley Cup won by Calgary Flames (vs Montréal Canadiens)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] National Hamburger Day (it’s estimated 60 million lbs of beef will be cooked in the USA)
[Mon] Memorial Day (USA)
Canadian Aboriginal Awareness Week
More Than Just a Pretty Face Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SENSITIVE GUY GAME:
Have male contestants attempt to answer these household-type questions —
• What can you put in hardened brown sugar to soften it? [No, not Vaseline. A slice of apple.]
• To prevent eggshells from cracking, what do you add to the water before hard-boiling? [Silcone caulk ruins flavor. A pinch of salt is more advisable.]
• What should you put on your Tupperware to prevent it from staining when storing tomato-based sauces? [Paint is too stinky. Try non-stick cooking spray.]
• If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it’s still cooking, what can you add to fix it? [An entire bottle of Tabasco might mask the problem, but a peeled potato will absorb the excess salt.]
• Candles will last a lot longer if you do this for 3 hours prior to burning them. [Marinating them in kerosene is ill-advised. Put them in the freezer.]
• How do you determine if an egg is fresh? [A cordless drill may work, but it’s less messy to immerse it in cool, salted water. If it sinks it is fresh, if it floats — throw it away!]
• How can you extend the shelf-life of celery? [Varnish makes it too crunchy. But if you wrap it in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator, it will keep for weeks.]
BS QUICK PICKS:
• What does ‘Honolulu’ mean in the Hawaiian language — ‘sheltered harbor’, ‘darkening skies’, or ‘big box office’? [Sheltered harbor.]
• Which has more islands – Japan, the Philippines, or the St Lawrence River. [The St Lawrence is famous for its ‘Thousand Islands’, namesake of the salad dressing. Japan consists of 4 large islands and about 3,000 smaller ones. But the Philippines is an archipelago of over 7,000 islands.]
• Who was the first driver to win the “Indy 500″ 4 times — AJ Foyt, Al Unser, or Rick Mears? [Those are the only 3 drivers to win 4 times. AJ Foyt was the first (1961-64-67-77).]
BS TAG LINE:
EVERYWHERE is within walking distance – if you have the time.
