Thursday, May 24, 2001 Edition: #2062
BS WAYS TO TELL YOU’RE A NEW DAD:
• Getting 6 hours of sleep is a privilege.
• The sentence, “Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?” sounds normal.
• You are used to doing everything one-handed.
• The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
• The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
• Your idea of romance is holding hands.
• You answer the question “How are you?” with “WE’RE fine.”
• You decide whether a shirt is wearable based on how well the spit-up stains match the main color.
• You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, “Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in — babysitting?”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT new dad Bono leads U2’s “Elevation” tour into Toronto after a week off to spend time with his wife and new son in Dublin (their 4th child) . . . TONIGHT “This Hour has 22 Minutes” anchor Rick Mercer hosts a cast of musicians, dancers, comedians and actors at a “Music Alert” benefit concert at the University Of Toronto in support of Canada’s health care system (before you get into the show, you have to stay in a waiting room for 2 hours) . . . Just ahead of TOMORROW’S opening, word is Disney is cutting dialogue from “Pearl Harbor” for fear of offending Japanese and German audiences (the line “Let’s beat those bastards” will be replaced with “Let us all learn to coexist in a new world order”) . . . Jeri Ryan, who played sexy cyborg ‘Seven of Nine’ in the just-wrapped “Star Trek: Voyager series, is joining the cast of FOX-TV’s school drama “Boston Public” THIS FALL (the boys’ll be hot for teacher!) . . . For the 3rd year-in-a-row “Worth” magazine has named Jupiter Island, Florida (home to Celine Dion, Burt Reynolds and golfer Greg Norman) the ‘Richest Town in the USA’, where the median house price is just shy of $4 million (yeah but if you want to shop, you have to go slumming in Palm Beach) . . . Flaky actress Angelina Jolie confesses she had a lesbian fling at age 20 before she ever met hubby Billy Bob Thornton saying, “I fell in love with somebody who happened to be a woman” (was she in a movie with Tom Cruise?).
MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
The 1965-71 TV sitcom “Hogan’s Heroes”, which starred Robert Crane as a wisecracking American held in a Nazi POW camp, is being made into a movie comedy (yeah, those POW camps were a real hoot) . . . Meantime, a movie called “Auto-Focus” is in development, about the brutal 1978 murder of Robert Crane in a Scottsdale AZ motel room, where he was found surrounded by homemade sex tapes . . . Will & Grace” star Debra Messing is going to be busy while on hiatus from her sitcom, signing up for Woody Allen’s next comedy (as usual, untitled so far) . . . And a new updated version of “The Wizard of Oz” is in the works with the part of ‘Scarecrow’ being offered to ‘N Sync’s Justin Timberlake (in this version the Scarecrow pretends to date ‘Dorothy’ so his fans won’t think he’s gay).
DID THEY TIP?
Pizza Hut has become the first to deliver to people in outer space. Astronauts living on the International Space Station have been eating the world’s first trans-atmospheric (zero-gravity) pizza, traditional pizza with a crispy crust, pizza sauce and cheese, but no pepperoni because it couldn’t survive a 60-day testing process. (Unfortunately, the pizza had to be sent back after they accidentally put anchovies on it.)
HAPPY BUNS OF STEEL:
A new self-help book called “How to Say Goodbye to Depression” by Hiroyuki Nishigaki claims you can cure depression – by clenching your butt cheeks 100 times a day. In example, a 70-year-old man who’s been doing it for 20 years claims to feel 20 years younger. And, the author notes, it’s a handy method because “you can clinch your cheeks while doing just about anything”. (I do it at work for hours after lunch at Taco Bell.)
FOOL’S PARADISE:
A self-proclaimed ‘Club of Idiots’ based in the village of Saint-Gilles, France has been recognized as a cultural association by the local government. The 80 members must carry an ID card and solemnly swear to be idiots at all times. At their annual general meeting, they set a new world record of 11.78 metres for olive pit-spitting. (When 80 idiots get together in Canada, we call it the Alliance party.)
WEIRD SCIENCE:
• Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. (This might get confusing — when someone says roll up the window, they might mean ROLL UP the window!)
• A frog with 15 legs is causing a stir in Mississippi. The amphibian has sprouted limbs from all over its body, including its head. The Scranton Nature Center in Pascagoula says the deformity is probably caused by a genetic mutation. (Guess the frog had good looking relatives. A frog like that could feed a Frenchman for a week.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.24.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1938 [63] Tommy Chong, Edmonton AB, TV actor (Leo-“That ‘70s Show”)/ex-comedian/movie actor (Cheech & Chong-“Up in Smoke”)/Rae Dawn Chong’s dad
1941 [60] Bob Dylan (Zimmerman), Duluth MN, folk/rock/pop singer/songwriter (2000 Golden Globe & Academy Award-“Things Have Changed” from “Wonder Boys”/1998 Grammy Award-“Time Out Of Mind”)/Rock and Roll Hall of Fame-1988
1945 [56] Priscilla Presley, Brooklyn NY, ex-Mrs Elvis Presley (1967-73)/Elvis Presley Enterprises chairman/sometime film/TV actress (“Naked Gun” series)
1960 [41] Kristin Scott Thomas, Redruth ENG, movie actress (“The Horse Whisperer”, “The English Patient”, “Mission: Impossible”)
1967 [34] Heavy D (Dwight Myers), JAM, 260-lb hip hop artist (“Heavy”)/TV actor (Bob Lick-“Boston Public”)/movie actor (“The Cider House Rules”)
1969 [32] Rich Robinson, Atlanta GA, rock guitarist (Black Crowes-“Hard to Handle”)/lead singer Chris Robinson’s brother/Kate Hudson’s brother-in-law
1988 [13] Billy Gilman, Westerly RI, country singer (“Oklahoma”, “One Voice”)/youngest-ever Grammy Award nominee at age 12 in 2001/’Best New Country Artist’-2001 American Music Awards
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Escargot Day”, celebrating the only gourmet food you can harvest off your driveway.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Michael J Fox’s final appearance on TV’s “Spin City” as he retires to fight Parkinson’s disease
2000 Tom Cruise blockbuster “Mission: Impossible 2” opens in theaters, earning $93 million in its 1st week
2000 Ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in “The Wizard of Oz” sell for $600,000 at Christie’s auction
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1932 [69] CBC established (next day, the first layoffs are announced)
1991 [10] Pittsburgh Penguins win their 1st-ever Stanley Cup (vs Minnesota North Stars)
2000 [01] 1st ‘gay romantic kiss on TV’ occurs on season finale of “Dawson’s Creek” as ‘Jack’ (Kerr Smith) and ‘Ethan’ (Adam Kauffman) lock lips (producers claim previous gay kisses on TV were ‘jokes’ not ‘romantic’)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1982 [19] Christina Samane of South Africa gives birth to heaviest-ever baby — 22-lb, 8-oz boy (she names him UMMPPHHHH)
1986 [15] Montreal Canadiens defeat Calgary Flames 4-3 to capture franchise’s 23rd Stanley Cup, at the time most championships by any North American pro sports team (they add another in ‘93, but NY Yankees have since added 4 World Series championships for total of 26)
1988 [13] John Moschitta sets “Guinness World Record” for fast talking — 586 words per minute
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] National Tap Dance Day
[Mon] National Hamburger Day
[June 17] Father’s Day
National New Friends, Old Friends Week
Better Hearing and Speech Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SMALL FRY GAME:
What do you call the babies of the following animals?
• turkey (poult)
• spiny anteater (puggle)
• firefly (glow worm)
• swan (cygnet)
• bat (pup)
• mackerel (spike)
• giraffe (calf)
• pigeon (squab)
• gorilla (infant)
• mouse (pinky)
(Source: “A Pinky is a Baby Mouse”)
BS TAG LINE:
Never wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty and the pig likes it.
