Tuesday, May 15, 2001 Edition: #2055
TODAY is “Census Day” in Canada. Among other things, the $374-million head count determines how much money each community gets from the feds in transfer payments. Did you know you are required BY LAW to fill out your census form and send it back by today’s deadline? Just in case you get a visit from the census police, you need . . .
BS EXCUSES FOR NOT FILLING OUT THE CENSUS FORM:
• Thought going to the window and yelling “Here!” was good enough.
• Waiting until after operation so I can list self as ‘woman’.
• Thought it was an application for Club Zed.
• You can’t even win anything.
• Wasn’t sure if, like on “Jeopardy!”, answers had to be in form of a question.
• Too shy.
• Didn’t know whether to count hostages in basement as boarders.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Sean Puff Daddy Combs now says he was ‘only kidding’ when he announced he was changing his name to ‘P Diddy’ and now wants to be called simply Sean Combs (we predict that within a year we’ll be referring to him as ‘that rapper guy that used to boink J-Lo’) . . . Meantime, Jennifer Lopez has a new deal to develop a TV sitcom based on her family experiences growing up in the Bronx (“Big Butt Momma’s House”) . . . Janet Jackson admits she has piercings in her navel, tongue, septum, nipple and — um, elsewhere, and for kicks throws ‘piercing parties’ where she and friends sit around and watch each other bleed (only things left for her to pierce are her eardrums) . . . And actress Liz Hurley tells “Elle” magazine’s JUNE issue that one way she stays svelte is by making her own watercress soup, which is ‘fat-free, low-calorie, full of vitamins and delicious enough to serve at a dinner party’ (but only slightly tastier than ‘wiener water’).
TODAY’S DVD & VIDEO RELEASES:
Christopher Guest’s mock documentary “Best in Show” takes a hilarious swipe at the weird world of dog shows . . . Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt & Haley Joel Osment in the drama “Pay It Forward”, about a kid who spreads the idea of repaying favors with good deeds to 3 new people . . . Jeremy Irons stars in the movie version of the world’s most popular RPG (role playing game), “Dungeons and Dragons” . . . Ryan Phillippe & Rachael Leigh Cook in “Antitrust”, a sci-fi thriller based in the computer industry.
ONLY IN CANADA:
• The Canadian Armed Forces is considering using unmanned aircraft called UAVs (Uninhabited Air Vehicles) as a cheaper method of patrolling our coastlines. Makes you wonder, will SUVs replace tanks? (To reduce peacekeeping expenses, next time there’s a trouble spot we’re sending in a bunch of empty uniforms.)
• YESTERDAY Halifax police negotiators were trying to regain control of JL Ilsley High School, which was seized by a group of militant — janitors. (“This is your last chance, put down the floor polishers and come on out!”)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• During a fistfight in Jordan’s parliament over the weekend, one legislator bit off a chunk of another’s ear. (Apparently there was a caucus meeting of the Jordanian Alliance Party.)
• The Education Ministry in Iran has fired a school principal who set fire to a hamster in his school’s playground. (The act was in direct contravention to the school’s no smoking policy.)
• A Philadelphia judge is recommending that a 66-year-old male bank robber should serve out his sentence in a — women’s prison. Although ‘Patricia McGrath’ takes female hormones and has been living as a woman for 35 years, he/she/it still has male genitalia, which might lead him/her/it to be victimized in a men’s prison. (Ya think?)
‘BIG D’ DATA:
StatsCan figures show that when it comes to being married, 7 years isn’t a big deal. The average length of a marriage before divorce in Canada is closer to a dozen years. (Forget the ‘7-Year-Itch’, it’s the full-blown ‘12-Year Rash’ you gotta worry about!)
DOT COM REPOS:
The high-tech meltdown in California’s Silicon Valley has caused a 50% jump in the number of new car owners who can’t even make the FIRST payment. According to the “Wall Street Journal”, the repossessed cars include Cadillacs, Mercedes and Porsches, some so new they still have dealer tags!
YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?
Mattel has just unveiled the new ‘McDonald’s Barbie’. Yup, she wears the famous red and yellow uniform and comes with a little plastic food tray for a teeny ‘Happy Meal’. (Other accessories include a mini-defibrillator and her general arts college diploma.)
DOES YOUR BUTT STILL HANG OUT?
Here’s an idea long overdue – the designer hospital gown! Fashion maven Nicole Miller has put together a collection of stylish gowns, robes and drawstring pants for a private New Jersey hospital. Although they only come in hospital green, they’re printed with tiny medical symbols like stethoscopes, medicine bottles and pills. Perfect for the upscale Hackensack University Medical Center, where patients are referred to as ‘guests’.
THE BULL SHEET 05.15.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [65] Wavy Gravy (Hugh Romney), East Greenbush NY, counterculture icon who did stage announcements at original “Woodstock” festival in 1969 (we mention it just to make Boomers feel REALLY old)
1951 [50] Chazz Palminteri, Bronx NY, movie actor (“Analyze This”, “The Ususal Suspects”)
1964 [37] Dave Reid, Toronto ON, NHL winger (Colorado Avalanche)
1969 [32] Emmitt Smith, Pensacola FL, NFL RB (Dallas Cowboys)
1967 [34] John Smoltz, Warren MI, MLB pitcher currently rehabbing from DL (Atlanta Braves)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• [UN] “International Day of Families”
• [RC] “San Isidro Day” (patron saint of farmers and other agricultural workers)
• [RC] ”St Dympna Day” (patron of the insane, asylums, against epilepsy, insanity, sleepwalking)
• TODAY is “National Chocolate Chip Day”. Hey, any excuse to mow down on a dozen cookies is cool.
• TODAY is “Peace Officer Memorial Day” observed by more than 21,000 police departments across North America to honor colleagues who’ve been killed in the line of duty. This is also “National Police Week”.
• TODAY is “Hug Your Cat Day”, a day for humans to hug their cats without fear of scratches or hisses. Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
• TODAY is “True Confessions Day”, a day to confess all those little secrets you’ve been keeping for years. (Coincidentally its also ‘Pack Up Your Clothes and Get Out, You Lying Bastard Day’.) Open the phone lines for some true confessions. You’ll be surprised what you get!
ON THIS DAY . . .
1992 [09] Part of Cruger Avenue in the Bronx is renamed “Regis Philbin Avenue” (7 years BEFORE “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”)
1994 [07] Toronto NBA franchise unveils ‘Raptors’ nickname, picked by Canada-wide poll
1997 [04] Space shuttle ‘Atlantis’ blasts off for ‘Mir’ packing tapes of the Canadian TV comedy “The New Red Green Show”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1993 [08] 1st Montreal Expo uniform retired (Rusty Staub’s #10)
1995 [06] 1st Canadian magazine to go online (“Maclean’s”)
1995 [06] 1st casino gambling site launched on the Internet (lose your shirt in the comfort of your own home!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] BC Election
[Fri] International Museum Day
[Fri] Visit Your Relatives Day
[Mon] Victoria Day
National Historic Preservation Week
National Asparagus Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS AD SLOGAN TRIVIA:
You give contestants the slogans, they try to give you the products . . .
• “Snap! Crackle! Pop!” (Kellogg’s Rice Krispies)
• “Good to the last drop.” (Maxwell House Coffee)
• “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!” (Chiffon Margarine)
• “They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.” (M&Ms)
• “Shhh. Ancient Chinese secret!” (Calgon Detergent)
• “Hey little brother, where’d ya learn that trick?” (7-Up ads with Wayne & Keith Gretzky)
• “Does she or doesn’t she?” (Clairol)
• “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.” (Timex)
• “Get a piece of The Rock” (Prudential)
• “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is.” (Alka Seltzer)
BS TAG LINE:
Most addictions have side effects. Overeating, however, has side, front, and rear effects.
