Monday, May 14, 2001 Edition: #2054
BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why is it as soon as you’re doing what you want to be doing, you want to be doing something else?
• If you keep you eye on the ball, your shoulder to the wheel, your nose to the grindstone, your feet on the ground and your head on your shoulders, how the hell are you supposed too get anything DONE?
• Howz come the severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it?
• How do you throw away a garbage can?
• Is Microsoft Windows just a virus with mouse support?
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Variety” reports that actors Tom Poston and Suzanne Pleshette, who first met 30 years ago on the set of “The Bob Newhart Show”, will finally wed TODAY. He’s 79, she’s 64. (Cradle robber!)
• ”Star” claims Celine Dion enjoys topless sunbathing so much she recently shelled out an extra $5,000 a day to rent the entire pool at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas so she could have some privacy. And word is her much-older hubby Rene Angelil dropped his trunks to go skinny dipping. (How ugly is that mental picture?)
• If you believe “Globe”, “The Weakest Link” host Anne Robinson used to be a heavy drinker who once tried to embarrass a boyfriend by walking into his favorite hangout wearing nothing but a smile and a pair of heels. (Ohmygawd, and how ugly is THAT mental picture?)
• “Beam me up, Scott!” ”Sun” reports former “Quantum Leap” star Scott Bakula will take the lead role as ‘Jonathan Archer’ in the next “Star Trek” TV series, “Star Trek: Enterprise”. However, Brit actor Patrick Stewart, who played ‘Captain Jean-Luc Picard’ in “Star Trek: The Next Generation” will still appear next year in the next “Star Trek” movie. (He knows where his head is buttered . . . er, make that bread.)
• According to ”Mr Showbiz”, 70-year-old media mogul Rupert Murdoch is about to become a dad again as he and 36-years-younger 3rd wife Wendi Deng are expecting their first child together. (Look for the FOX-TV reality special “Who’d Want to Sleep With a Multi-Millionaire Who’s Old Enough to Be Your Grandpa?”)
• In a new interview with “Playboy”, reformed Hollywood party dude Charlie Sheen claims, “Two women is a big guy fantasy that looks better on paper.” (On the other hand, with THREE Playmates, a cattle prod, a scuba mask and a bowl of mashed potatoes, things can get interesting!)
• According to “Star” 6-months-pregnant Shania Twain recently took a 3-day vacation in France where she was spotted zooming through the countryside at speeds up to 100 mph in her Mercedes. (She may ‘feel like a woman’ but she drives like a wildman.)
• “Globe” claims Oscar-winning “Gladiator” actor Russell Crowe is having second thoughts about his break-up with Meg Ryan and is now bombarding her with expensive gifts, including a $17,000 diamond bracelet, a silver floating heart necklace and an upscale Mercedes-Benz bicycle. (Let’s face it, you can only sleep with a wallaby for so long before it becomes old hat.)
ARE YOU ON THE PATCH?
A new patch which secretes contraceptives has been developed that can be used as an alternative to the birth control pill. Though not yet on the market, testing shows it’s just as effective as the pill and it seems easier to use. (Then after sex, you and your partner roll over and put on a nicotine patch.)
CAT SCRATCH FEVER:
According to a new study by British veterinarians, as many as 1 in 20 pets are allergic — to their owners! The signs to look for include sneezing fits and skin irritation, which can lead to them scratching themselves until they bleed. (But don’t worry, your cat barfing daily on the Persian rug is just a sign of affection.)
A REAL BIRDIE COURSE:
Scotland’s Elmwood College is now offering what’s believed to be the world’s first credit course — in golf caddying. The gruelling program entails 40 hours of classroom instruction and 30 rounds on a golf course. (Students learn about the etiquette and technical requirements of golf as well as how to follow intricate instructions like, “Hand me that 9-iron.”)
BASHFUL BACHELORS:
4 out of 5 guys in a study published in “Men’s Fitness” say they’d feel uncomfortable having naked women at their bachelor party. ( . . . if it was a ‘Stag & Doe’ and their future wife was there.)
FORGET SNAIL MAIL:
How do we keep in touch with friends these days? Here’s what a survey of over 1000 adults finds —
• Talking on the telephone (60%)
• Meeting at a restaurant (37%)
• Using e-mail (34%)
• Writing traditional letters using pen and paper (17%) [When you write something of any length, don’t you find your hand cramps up from being out of practice?]
(Source: Shell Oil poll)
SWEETS ARE SWEETER FOR FEMALES:
Yale University research finds that women are much more likely to be ‘supertasters’ than men, with a greater number of receptors on their tongue for two of the basic tastes — bitter and sweet. (Does this explain that whole chocolate craving thing?)
THE BULL SHEET 05.14.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [57] George Lucas, Modesto CA, really rich filmmaker (“Star Wars” series) NEXT FILM: “Star Wars: Episode II” scheduled to open May 22, 2002
1952 [49] David Byrne, Dunbartin SCOT, classic rock singer (Talking Heads-“Burning Down the House”)/composer (Oscar-“The Last Emperor”)
1953 [48] Tom Cochrane, Lynn Lake MB, classic rock singer (“Life is a Highway”)
1961 [40] Tim Roth, London ENG, film actor (“Rob Roy”, “Pulp Fiction”) NEXT FILM: Plays ‘General Thade’ in “Planet of the Apes” remake coming July 27
1969 [32] Cate Blanchett. Melbourne AUS, movie actress (“The Talented Mr Ripley”, “Pushing Tin”) NEXT FILMS: Plays ‘Galadriel ‘ in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, the first film opening December 19/now shooting “The Shipping News” with Kevin Spacey in Newfoundland
1973 [28] Natalie Appleton, Toronto ON, pop singer (All Saints-“Never Ever”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Online Romance Day”, a day to fall in love in a chat room with a gorgeous 21-year-old model who in reality turns out to be a 300-lb, 56-year-old male truck driver who’s into S&M.
TODAY is “National Dance Like A Chicken Day”. Everybody now – “Dadda dadda dadda dah, dadda dadda dadda dah, dah dah dah dah . . .”
TOMORROW is “Canada Census Day”, the day the feds take a snapshot of the country to see how many new international terrorists have taken up residence here in the past 5 years. 80% of us have received the ‘short form’ with just 7 questions, while 20% got the ‘long form’ with 56 questions. One good reason to fill them out – the census is costing us $34.79 per household! The Census Help Line features instructions in some 60 languages.
PHONER: 800-591-2001
ON THIS DAY . . .
1996 [05] Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas wed in London
1998 [03] Frank Sinatra dies of a heart attack at age 82
1998 [03] Ad rates run over $2 million per minute for much-hyped “Seinfeld” finale on NBC-TV after 9 seasons
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1874 [127] 1st admission charge and 1st goal posts used in a football game (Harvard U beats Montreal’s McGill University 3-0)
1904 [97] 1st time Canada competes in Olympics and Montreal policeman Etienne Desmarteau wins the hammer throw for Canada’s 1st medal (St Louis MO)
1973 [28] 1st ‘space station’ launched (‘Skylab’)
1993 [08] 1st pro sports team to wear ‘designer uniforms’ (NBA’s Charlotte Hornets don sleeveless pinstriped teal shirt and pleated shorts ensemble by Alexander Julian)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1991 [10] World’s largest burrito weighs in at 1,126 lbs (later causes world’s biggest smog)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Victoria Day (aka ‘May 2-4′, no matter what date it falls on)
[Wed] BC Election
[Thurs] Pack Rat Day
National Bike Week (Friday is National Bike to Work Day)
National Radio Month (do we get a holiday or what?)
BULL’S BITS . . .
THE BS GAME:
Each of the 2-word answers to the following begin with the initials ‘BS’ . . .
• He co-starred with Robert De Niro in the movie “Meet the Parents”. (Ben Stiller)
• What the doctor takes when pricking your finger. (Blood Sample.)
• The 51-year-old rock star who’s nicknamed ‘The Boss’. (Bruce Springsteen)
• The 1999 movie comedy starring Martin Lawrence as a jewel thief. (“Blue Streak”)
• An ice cream sundae made with fruit. (Banana Split)
• Where you get to go at a concert if you have a special pass. (Back Stage.)
• Slang for getting bad advice. (Bum Steer)
• The classic rocker who went “Against the Wind”. (Bob Seger.)
• A nickname for the state of Montana. (Big Sky)
• Your kid’s least favorite vegetable. (Brussels Sprouts.)
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What makes you want to kiss someone?” (A worldwide “Glamour” poll finds the qualities that most often lead to a kiss are — good looks, a winning smile, a positive attitude, and beautiful lips & teeth.)
• “What is your least-favorite household chore?” (In a poll by Montreal-based analysts Anderson Consulting, vacuuming rated the least-favorite of 25 common household chores. Well obviously, it sucks!)
• “Who does the worrying about money in your relationship?” (A “Money” magazine poll finds that 33% of women worry about money, while only 17% of men do.)
BS TAG LINE:
Only a baseball player’s errors are published every day. (Ours are just broadcast.)
