Monday, May 7, 2001 Edition: #2049
LEAST POPULAR MOTHER’S DAY CARDS:
• “Roses are red, my childhood was blue, Get out of my basement, your rent is past due.”
• “You’ve lovingly looked after me since I was just a baby, so now I don’t resent the fact that both my moms are ladies.”
• “I’ll always love you Mother dear ‘cause you gave me joy and lovin’, but now I need to come back home ‘cause my own bun’s in the oven.”
• “I often think of you dear Mom while in my cell alone, and miss the way you always made our crack house a crack home.”
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• This sound familiar? According to “Fox News”, a future episode of “Law & Order” will feature a storyline about a hip-hop recording star with his own fashion line who gets in trouble with the law. (Then, just as he goes to court, his big-assed girlfriend dumps him.)
• Brit tabloid “Sun” says the much-troubled May 11th “Miss Universe” pageant has yet another problem — 22-year-old ‘Miss Brazil’, Juliana Borges, admits to 19 plastic surgery operations, including liposuction and collagen injections, plus chin, cheekbone and boob jobs. Other contestants are furious, but there’s no pageant rule against it. (Coming soon — the ‘Miss Universe Barbie’, with interchangeable parts.)
• MSNBC reports Russell Crowe has often been spotted carrying his ‘Best Actor’ Academy Award around with him — in a gym bag. (So Oscar actually SMELLS like a “Gladiator”?)
• Thanks to her critically acclaimed role in the revival of “Annie Get Your Gun”, country queen Reba McEntire will announce this year’s Tony Award nominations for the best of Broadway in NYC TODAY, says “E! Online”. (We’re betting she’ll announce her own name.)
THE JOY OF PEPSI:
The ‘Pepsi Youth Convention’ in Montreal had to close ticket windows SATURDAY afternoon because Olympic Stadium was filled beyond capacity. After a mini-riot, 2,000 tickets to Saturday night’s Expos game were handed out as compensation for those turned away. (In related news, the Expos set a new 10-year home attendance record of 2,023 fans on the weekend . . .)
CYBER HYPE:
In what may a first for the Internet, an intricate online game has been created to promote the upcoming Steven Spielberg film “AI” (Artificial Intelligence), which is set in the year 2142 in a fictional world where robots have reached an advanced level. “Wall Street Journal” reports there are at least 30 Web sites involved, like the one hosted by the ‘Coalition for Robot Freedom’, that can be found by entering the character name ‘Jeanine Salla’ into a Web search engine. Some players who’ve uploaded personal information onto them have received mysterious phone calls from robot-style voices. (You get a call from ‘Dubya’?)
GARDEN BEETLE:
A Frankfurt, Germany man has unearthed a VW Beetle that was buried in his garden for 10 years. Neighbors say the property’s previous owner buried it following a dispute with the motor vehicle registration department. Amazingly, when the battery was replaced the Bug started right up! (Even more amazing – as soon as the guy’s shovel clanked against the vehicle’s roof, a swarm of neighborhood kids assaulted him yelling, “Punch Buggy, no punch back!”)THE BULL SHEET 05.07.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
(No one of any contemporary significance was born on this day!)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Privy Diggers Day”, honoring those who use the unconventional method of excavating outhouses to explore the past. Many ‘important historical discoveries’ have apparently been made using this method. (Yeah, but what a crappy job!)
TODAY is “International Paste-up Day”, honoring those who paste up newspapers, magazines, books and other printed materials. (Such as your 3-year-old.)
TODAY is “Beaufort Scale Day”, honoring the 1774 birth of Sir Francis Beaufort who, as any sailor knows, invented the scale that measures wind speed from 0 (calm) to 12 (hurricane), adopted as an international standard in 1874.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1998 [03] Daimler-Benz buys Chrysler Corp for $37 billion+ in largest industrial merger on record
1999 [02] “The Mummy”, starring Brendan Fraser, opens in theaters
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1660 [341] 1st ‘macaroni’ patented by Isaack Fubine (next day, a synthetic orange powder is invented containing no real cheese)
1988 [13] 1st convention of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1994 [07] 555 guitarists simultaneously play BTO’s “Takin’ Care of Business” for 68 mins (Vancouver)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] No Socks Day
[Tues] National Teacher’s Day
[Wed] National Third Shift Workers Day
[Sun] Mother’s Day
National Pet Week (http://www.nationalpetweek.org.uk/)
Good Carkeeping Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
QUICKIE MOM’S DAY CONTESTS:
• ‘Mystery Moms Mix-Up’ — Edit together a collage of famous TV moms. The contestants who correctly identify them win a prize for their moms and themselves. Get sound bites of classic TV mothers here – http://www.archervalerie.com/mothers.html
• ‘Say the Word’ — Contestant conferenced with mom on phone must coax her into saying the ‘word of the day’ (or phrase) through normal discussion and without prompting.
BS PHONE STARTER: “What tacky or horrendously ugly gift do you feel forced to haul out and put on display when whoever gave it to you comes to visit?”
BS TRIVIA: What’s a mother sheep called? [A female sheep is a ‘ewe’, but when she becomes a mom, she’s a ‘dam’.]
BS TAG LINE: Some people confuse boredom with security.
