Tuesday, May 30, 2000 Edition: #1818
BS SIGNS THE HONEYMOON IS OVER:
• She stops shaving above her lip.
• Her ‘erotic attire’ now includes flannel.
•.You begin noticing his repulsive orange teeth after he scarfs another entire bag of Cheetos.
• Instead of leaving a rose on your pillow, he leaves a scrub brush.
• Nylons hanging in bathroom no longer seem as romantic.
• Rarely joins you in the top bunk these days.
• Scrabble to sex ratio now at 1-1.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“New York Times” reports that nearly every major record company is now scouting teen pageants, talent contests and theme park chorus lines to find their very own Britney Spears (applicants must be able to sing and dance, or learn quick — baby fat optional) . . . Stealing a page from Michael Jordan, Carlos Santana is getting his own shoe deal as the people who make ‘Buster Brown’ shoes will market ‘Carlos’ fashion footwear . . . Not hard to believe with the weekend performance of “M:I-2″ — Hollywood studios are expecting a record box office year for the 3rd year in-a-row . . . “Friends” Matthew Perry just finished denying he has a serious liver problem requiring a life-saving transplant and now the rumor’s being floated his recent hospital stay was due to pancreatitis (why doesn’t he just tell the truth and kill the speculation — severe bloating from too many burritos on-the-set).
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Jim Carrey tries his wacky best to breathe some life into the true story of late eccentric comedian Andy Kaufman in “Man on the Moon” . . . Ethan Hawke in the drama “Snow Falling on Cedars”, the story of the murder trial of a Japanese man charged in the death of a fisherman in the waters off Washington state.
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Necromass’ . . . High falutin’ new word for useless people in an organization, formerly known as ‘dead wood’.
• ‘Clicks-and-Mortar’ . . . Businesses that operate both in the virtual Internet world and from an actual physical site.
• ‘Ageism’ . . . Discrimination against seniors, according to the organization ‘National Silver Haired Congress’ who are upset about a Website called geezer.com.
• ‘Egosurfing’ . . . Scanning the Internet or print media looking for mention of your own name.
ONLY IN CANADA:
• Toronto mayor Mel Lastman has declared war on vandals who’ve been tearing the antlers off the city’s outdoor exhibit of fiberglass moose. (An all points bulletin has been issued for ‘Bob & Doug McKenzie’.)
• A new ranking of Canadian urban center health services in “Maclean’s” finds Edmonton is tops in the country. (Significantly ahead of Walkerton ON.)
SOCIAL STUDIES:
• A new study shows that restaurant employees often develop bad hearing from exposure to constant noise. (“I said, COULD I POSSIBLY GET ANOTHER DRINK?!?!?”)
• A new Australian study disputes the age-old notion that women lose their memory and concentration during pregnancy. (The study shows it actually occurs much earlier – during spousal sex.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.30.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [54] Don Ferguson, Montréal PQ, radio/TV comic (the ‘youngster’-Royal Canadian Air Farce)
1964 [36] Wynonna (Christina Ciminella), Ashland KY, country singer (Love Like That, Can’t Nobody Love You Like I Do) FACTOID: Took her name from town of Wynona OK
1964 [36] Tom Morello, rock guitarist, (Rage Against The Machine-Sleep Now in the Fire)
1971 [29] Patrick Dahlheimer, York PA, rock bassist (Live-Run to the Water, Lightning Crashes)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “Joan of Arc Feast Day” in France, honoring the ‘Maid of Orleans’ who was condemned as a heretic and burned at the stake at age 19 in 1431 (to celebrate, burn a steak on the BBQ). Leelee Sobieski and Milla Jovavich played her on screen in 1999, Mira Sorvino will portray the ‘Virgin Warrior’ later this year.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 [04] Prince Andrew & Fergie divorce
1997 [03] Former NHL all-star goalie Ken Dryden becomes president of Toronto Maple Leafs
1997 [03] Neil Young forced to cancel tour after cutting finger while slicing a ham sandwich
1999 [01] Kenny Brack avoids mishaps of race favorites and wins crash-marred “Indianapolis 500″ (the 1st Indy 89 years ago today in 1911 was won by Ray Harroun, averaging 74.6 mph)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1889 [111] 1st ‘brassiere’ invented
BRAS AND RELIGION:
• The Catholic bra supports the masses.
• The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen.
• The Baptist bra makes mountains out of mole hills.
1896 [104] 1st ‘auto accident’, as motorist Henry Wells of Springfield MA hits bicyclist Evelyn Thomas on a NYC street, breaking her leg (hounded at hospital by 1st ‘ambulance chaser’)
1981 [19] ‘Compact Disc’ (CD) 1st introduced (including 1st un-openable shrinkwrap on jewel box)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] World No Tobacco Day
[Wed] Seniors Health and Fitness Day
[Wed] National Macaroon Day
National Mental Health Month
National Moving Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTERS:
• “If you could make a major change in your life, what would it be?” (In a “Self” magazine poll, 29% say they’d start a fitness program, 28% would move somewhere new, 15% would get a new job, 13% would go back to school and get a degree, and 10% say they’d end their current relationship and start a new one.)
• “What’s the one big way your family differs from your partner’s family?”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: You ask your favorite bartender for a ‘Martini Sandwich’. What do you get?
A: A dry Martini between two glasses of beer. (And, hopefully, a cab.)
THE LAST WORD: It’s only 18 inches between a pat on the back and a kick in the pants.
