Monday, May 29, 2000 Edition: #1817
BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Howz come today’s ‘rough times’ always become tomorrow’s ‘good old days’?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
• How come we never hear of a government tax auditor being audited?
• Why is it that when you get a pay raise its just enough to increase your taxes but not enough to have any effect on your take home pay?
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• According to “Star”, George Clooney is hotly pursuing actress Winona Ryder now that she’s no longer dating Matt Damon. He’s reportedly sent her a bouquet of lilacs and a teddy bear dressed in doctor’s scrubs. (Awwwww!)
• “Extra, Extra!” reports Backstreet Boys’ Nick Carter auctioned off 3 autographed sections of his COUCH to benefit the Tampa Children’s Hospital on the weekend. (We’re betting it was well used.)
• Meantime “Star” reports Michael Jackson has hired the Backstreet Boys‘ manager to get his career back on track. (Trust Michael to pick someone who knows how to manage boys.)
• ”E! Online” says it was Pam Anderson who snitched that sometime-hubby Tommy Lee had violated his probation by boozing it up. That’s cost him 5 more days in the slammer and mandatory AA meetings. (Guess you could say she blew the whistle – again.)
• “National Enquirer” says self-professed ‘shy, conservative girl’, Darva Conger (that poor suffering “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire” chick) is getting 400 grand to pose nude for “Playboy”. (14 minutes and counting.)
• If you believe “Star”, actress Angelina Jolie was released from a mental hospital just hours before wedding Billy Bob Thornton. (If you agree to be Mrs Thornton #5, you oughta have your head read.)
TRULY AMAZIN’ FACTS!
• You are more liable to snore if you’re over 40. New studies show 41% of men and 28% of women over 40 are honkers, and the rate increases with age. (Save those odd socks you find in the laundry – you’re gonna need ‘em!)
• Scientists estimate 500 cubic feet of air pass through your nose every day. (And just think — it’s already passed through thousands of other people’s noses!)
• Russia’s “Kommersant” newspaper reports that fully two-thirds of Russian men are drunk when they die. (But they’re happy!)
• About 1 in every 100 animals transported on airplanes are lost, injured or killed, according to new estimates from the US Air Transport Association. (The reason your seat-mate carries yappy little ‘Fifi’ on her lap.)
• Nebraska researchers have found a way to make lawns grow more slowly so we won’t have to mow them every week. (Step 1 – pay a couple grand to re-sod. Step 2 – watch it die.)
BS SOUND STUNTS:
• ‘Bounce Bonanza’ — Just in time for the NBA finals — phone contestants dribble basketball continuously for half-hour to win. Check in on-air every few minutes to see if they cheat.
• ‘Gadget Grab’ — Contestants play sounds from as many kitchen appliances as they can find. Subsequent callers try to beat the total.
Welcome aboard to the ultimate BS subscriber: Bull, drive guy at The Edge FM in Buffalo NY!
THE BULL SHEET 05.29.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1903 [97] Bob (Leslie Townes) Hope, Eltham ENG, former actor/comedian who received honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II in 1998
1958 [42] Annette Bening, Topeka KS, film actress (American Beauty, The American President)/Mrs Warren Beatty (4 kids together)
1959 [41] Rupert Everett, Norfolk ENG, movie actor (The Next Best Thing [provided ‘distant background’ vocals for Madonna’s version of “American Pie”, one of the songs in the movie], My Best Friend’s Wedding)/1999 VH1 Vogue Fashion Award ‘Most Fashionable Male Celebrity‘
1961 [39] Melissa Etheridge, Leavenworth KS, rock singer (I Want to Come Over, Come to My Window)/Mr Julie Cypher (2 children together, both artificially inseminated from David Crosby)
1967 [33] Mike Keane, Winnipeg MB, NHL winger (Stanley Cup finalist Dallas Stars)
1967 [33] Noel Gallagher, Manchester ENG, rock guitarist/songwriter (Oasis-Who Feels Love, Champagne Supernova) who’s abandoned current world tour due to fights with brother Liam
1975 [25] Melanie “Scary Spice” B (Brown), Leeds ENG, pop singer (Spice Girls-Too Much)/new mom of Phoenix Chi/estranged from dancer Jimmy Gulzar who wants millions in a divorce settlement due to be finalized in 3 months
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Tonight’s the gala opening of Canada’s premier Shakespearean theater event, “The Stratford Festival”, with “Due South” actor Paul Gross starring in Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”. Even though some festival productions have been on stage since May 3rd, tonight is when the season really kicks off.
PHONER: 800-567-1600/519-271-4040
NET: www.stratford-festival.on.ca
In England, today is “Oak-Apple Day” or “Shick-Shack Day”, the anniversary of the restoration of Charles II to the British throne in 1660, traditionally marked by wearing an oak leaf or twig. Prince Charles has let it be known that if and when he becomes king, he’d rather be called ‘King George VII’ rather than ‘Charles III’ because the previous Charlies were lousy leaders – Charles I was beheaded, and Charles II fathered so many illegitimate children that he was known as the ‘Father of his People’.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1993 [07] LA Kings beat Toronto Maple Leafs 5-4 to advance to Stanley Cup final (Gretzky gets hat trick for record 8th time in playoff career)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1900 [100] Otis Elevator Co trademarks the name ‘Escalator’ (next day, 1st toe gets eaten)
1998 [02] Shania Twain kicks off 1st-ever world tour with a 2-night stand in Sudbury ON
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] World No Tobacco Day
[Wed] Seniors Health and Fitness Day
National Bathroom Reading Week
Hydrotherapy Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: What trophy is awarded annually to the NHL’s top goal scorer?
A: The ‘Maurice Richard Trophy’, created in 1998 and honoring Maurice “The Rocket” Richard who died Saturday at 78.
THE LAST WORD: Life’s easy – fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches.
