Monday, May 22, 2000                                               Edition:  #1812

BS SIGNS YOU’RE IN A REALLY BAD CONVENIENCE STORE:
• Instead of selling lottery tickets, the attendant asks if you want to play ‘Three Card Monty’.
• Their hot dogs are of voting age.
• Still have “New Coke” on their shelves.
• Clerk says they’re temporarily out of milk “until some of the rats get pregnant again”.
• It’s part of a chain called ‘Price Hiker’.
• Offers 10% off anything in the cooler with an expiration date ending in ‘5′.
• Hostess Twinkies and contraceptive sponge seem to be the same product.

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Mr Show Biz” reports that Madonna’s boy toy, British director Guy Ritchie, has been arrested on suspicion of assaulting a stalker outside the pregnant star’s London mansion. (Seems Guy’s suffering from ‘Sean Penn syndrome’.)
• According to “E! Online”, Mick Jagger is planning to leave the home he shares with his ex-wife Jerry Hall, prompting speculation their relationship is finally over. (Forget paying 7½ million, Mick can get lucky free!)
• “People” magazine has a report this week on LeAnn Rimes’ $7 million lawsuit against her father. Pops Wilbur Rimes says it’s his daughter who ran through wads of cash and carries on a relationship with “Party of Five” actor Andrew Keegan, whom he speculates is only interested in her for her money. (Nice to see another happy, well-adjusted show biz family.)
• “National Enquirer” says “Austin Powers” star Elizabeth Hurley has been spotted sucking a pink pacifier. No, she’s not missing her busy actor beau Hugh Grant. Seems she’s trying to quit smoking!
• If you believe “Globe”, 54-year-old “Good Morning America”/”20/20″ TV anchor Diane Sawyer is taking hormones to make her look younger, but they’re having a negative side effect — causing her to be bitchy! (Woman. 54. Hormones. Bitchy. How come this doesn’t seem surprising?)
• Courtney Love is the latest to weigh in on the hot topic of free music downloads. She’s tells “Digital Online” it’s the record companies that are the pirates and that music artists make little or nothing after expenses when they make records. “Working at 7-Eleven would be a better deal,” she claims. (After the interview, she ordered her chauffeur to take her to her West Coast mansion.)

FEMININE ANGST:
What do wives feel most guilty about when it comes to their husbands? 45% of those surveyed by “Ladies’ Home Journal” say it’s that they don’t look as good as they did when they married their men. (Take another look, honey – ol’ sofa slug ain’t no Greek Adonis himself!)

BROADWAY LAW:
Tonight’s “Ally McBeal” 3rd-season finale will be a full-fledged musical in which all of the characters sing. Songs by 9-time Oscar nominee Randy Newman will be featured, including an original tune penned especially for tonight’s show. (Calista Flockhart singing “Somewhere Over the Toilet”.)

BONUS!!!
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THE BULL SHEET 05.22.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1950     [50] Bernie Taupin, Sleaford ENG, lyricist (Elton John’s songwriting partner-Candle in the Wind)
1967    [33] Dan Roberts, Winnipeg MB, pop/rock singer (Crash Test Dummies-Keep a Lid On It)
1970    [30] Naomi Campbell, Streatham ENG, fashion model/movie actress (Girl 6, Unzipped)
1974    [26] Andrei Nazarov, Chelyabinsk RUS, NHL winger (Calgary Flames)
1975    [25] Jaane Niinimaa, Raahe FIN, NHL defenceman (Edmonton Oilers)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is Victoria Day, on the “May Two-Four Weekend.” Holiday fax:
WHEN:  First Monday preceding May 25th.
WHERE: Only in Canada (pity!). It began in 1845 as a celebration of Canadian unity (whazat?).
WHY: Commemorates birth of Queen Victoria May 24, 1819.
WHO: Longest-reigning monarch in British history (1837-1901). Married 1st cousin Prince Albert in 1840 and had 9 children (problems with the Royal Family may be due to inbreeding?).
SYMPTOMS: Radio station phone lines are jammed with people asking, “Where’s the fireworks?”.

Today is “Immigrants Day in Canada”, a day to recognize the contributions of those who came here from elsewhere. (Um, wouldn’t that include most of us?)

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996    “Mission: Impossible” with Tom Cruise opens in theaters (“MI-2″ opens this Wednesday)
    1998    TV stations refuse to air “Jerry Springer” show on bestiality that includes a sicko who married his horse

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1967    [33] “Mr Roger’s Neighborhood” debuts on TV (“Can you say weirdo?”)
1981    [19] Opening of Paramount Canada’s Wonderland near Toronto

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Penny Day
[Wed] National Escargot Day
[Thurs] National Tap Dance Day
Safe Boating Week
National Egg Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: He became Canada’s youngest-ever Prime Minister 21 years ago today (1979). Who is he?
A: Joe Clark, at age 39.

Q: He completed a 26-month, 34-country “Man in Motion” tour in a wheelchair to raise awareness of disabled issues 13 years ago today (1987). Who is he?
A: Rick Hansen, who finished the tour in Vancouver.

Q: Queen Elizabeth II  will complete her 48th year on the throne this year. In what year would she overtake Victoria as Britain’s longest-serving monarch?
A: Victoria ruled for 64 years, so QEII would have to stick around until age 90 in 2016!

THE LAST WORD:
Eat well, exercise, and die anyway.