Tuesday, May 16, 2000 Edition: #1808
BS ADVANTAGES OF HIGH DEFINITION TV:
• Can now clearly see Rosie O’Donnell’s chin hair.
• Possible to fix your makeup using Peter Mansbridge’s head.
• Can now see right THROUGH Calista Flockhart.
• Janet Reno’s erections more clearly visible through skirt.
• Much better view of the greed in the eyes of “Friends” cast.
• Can play ‘Spot the Stretch Marks’ drinking game during “Baywatch”.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The town of St Augusta MN is now officially ‘Ventura’, named after governor Jesse Ventura (local lake is called ‘The Body’ of water) . . . Bo Derek is denying reports that she’s having an affair with Ted Turner, claiming she hasn’t done the nasty with ANYONE in 2 years (too MUCH information?) . . . It doesn’t even open until next Wednesday (24th) but already experts are saying Tom Cruise’s “Mission Impossible 2″ (flogged as “MI-2″) will DOUBLE the Memorial Day weekend box office record to the tune of $80 million . . . Action actor Wesley Snipes is looking to set up a camp in rural Georgia to train security guards for VIPs (didn’t Pam Anderson already do this?).
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Pierce Brosnan (see Today’s Celebrity Birthdays) is back as ‘James Bond’ for the 3rd time in “The World Is Not Enough”, featuring the longest and arguably best pre-title opening stunt scene in the ‘007′ series (Brosnan actually drove the boat) . . . Atom Egoyan’s first international picture, the drama “Felicia’s Journey”, stars Bob Hoskins a charming serial killer . . . Hank Azaria in the 1930s drama “Cradle Will Rock”, which follows the political pressures confronting legendary director Orson Welles as he tries to stage a musical on a steel strike.
TOP VIDEO RENTALS:
1. “Galaxy Quest”
2. “Fight Club”
3. “Dogma”
BIG BLOW:
Yesterday Vancouver Symphony Orchestra’s new music director Bramwell Tovey eclipsed the Guinness record for ‘world’s largest orchestra’ — 3,503 musicians 2 years ago in Birmingham, England — by conducting the VSO and 10,000 students at BC Place. (Which became the world’s largest swimming pool when 4,582 wind instrument players simultaneously emptied their spit valves.)
BS WRESTLING ROUND-UP:
• The ‘Christian Wrestling Federation’, an organization of about a dozen grapplers for God, just made its debut in North Texas. Stars of the circuit include ‘Apocalypse’, ‘Angel’, ‘The Beast’ and ‘Jesus Freak’. Its founder says “We leave out the parading women and all the negative stuff.” (We just pummel the bejesus outta each other.)
• For the first time ever a Japanese Sumo wrestler has been forced to forfeit a match — because his loin cloth fell off. Asanokiri apparently didn’t wrap his ‘mawashi’ belt tight enough and ended up exposing his manhood on national television over the weekend. (As if showing his cheeks wasn’t embarrassing.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.16.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1953 [47] Pierce Brosnan, Navan IRE, movie actor (James Bond-The World Is Not Enough, Tomorrow Never Dies) NOTE: Some sources say he’s 48 – we went with the majority
1954 [46] Dafydd (Dave) Rhys-Williams, Saskatoon SK, NASA space shuttle astronaut (STS 90)
1966 [34] Thurman Thomas, Houston TX, Pro Bowl RB (Buffalo Bills)/NFL Player of Year 1991/4 consecutive Super Bowl losses 1991-94
1966 [34] Janet Jackson, Gary IN, R&B/pop singer (Every Time, Go Deep)/9th and youngest child in Jackson family
1973 [27] Tori Spelling, Beverly Hills CA, bug-eyed, plastic-chested actress (ex-Donna Martin-Beverly Hills 90210, Scream 2)/producer Aaron Spelling’s daughter
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “International Wear Something Purple for Peace Day”. (I tried to keep the peace in a bar fight last night so I’m wearing a purple shiner around my favorite eye.)
Today is “Biographers Day”, a day to start reading or writing a biography. (“I was born Madonna’s illegitimate daughter . . .”)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1866 [134] 1st “root beer” created (Charles Elmer Hires)
1929 [71] 1st ‘Academy Awards’ (“Wings” wins ‘Best Picture’)
1965 [35] ‘Spaghetti-Os’ 1st marketed (pink goo in a can)
1995 [05] 1st ‘on-line interview’ of a Canadian PM (Jean Chrétien on Maclean’s CompuServe site)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Pack Rat Day
[Thurs] International Museum Day
[Thurs] Visit Your Relatives Day
[Fri] National Bike to Work Day
[Sat] Eliza Doolittle Day
[Mon] Victoria Day (commonly known as ‘May 2-4′)
National Emergency Medical Services Week
National Salad Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTERS:
• “Where’s the strangest place you have fallen asleep?”
• “Your partner buys you an outfit you can’t stand — what do you do ?”
SPEAKIN’ CANADIAN, EH?
Q: What do you call a person who lives in Canada’s new Nunavut territory?
A: A Nunavut resident is known as a ‘Nunavummiut:’.
(Source: “2000 Canadian Oxford Paperback Dictionary”)
Q: You have an uncle who is a ‘stubble-jumper’. What does he do for a living?
A: He’s a Canadian prairie farmer.
(Source: “1998 Canadian Oxford Dictionary”)
THE LAST WORD:
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
