Tuesday, May 30, 2006 Edition: #3293
Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT “Yes, Dear” star Anthony Clark hosts the new season debut of NBC-TV’s “Last Comic Standing” (which is somehow the 4th), in which comedians battle it out to win a talent contract (this is the show the network dropped in its 2nd season – the week before the finalé) . . . NBC-TV will be the first network to sell news programming at the Apple’s iTunes Music Store, at $1.99 per download (by offering news at a website where the average age is 14, they hope to develop a new revenue stream of … oh, 10 bucks or so annually) . . . Actress Denise Richards is ditching the Westlake Village CA neighborhood she shares with former best friend Heather Locklear – whose ex-hubby she’s now dating – and moving to an English-style ranch in Hidden Hills CA because the tension between them is too much to bear (we’re no experts on architecture, but we’re guessing an ‘English-style ranch’ is similar to a ‘mock Tudor split-level’) . . . Actor Orlando Bloom is planning to reward himself for enduring a grueling promotional schedule for the “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequel THIS SUMMER by hiking Mount Everest, but likely only as far as the Base Camp (and more likely only as far as a plush hotel with a view of it) . . . Actresses Meryl Streep, Vanessa Williams, Helen Hunt & Kate Winslet are among those reaching out to teen girls struggling with body image problems by writing essays for author Willa Shalit’s new girl-power book, “Becoming Myself” (hey, where’s Mary-Kate?) . . . Legendary tenor Luciano Pavarotti has been forced to postpone his JUNE farewell concerts in Canada & Washington DC due to too much back pain (caused by too much front) . . . Bill Gerber, the producer to blame for LAST YEAR’s lame “Dukes of Hazzard” movie, is working on a prequel and considering 19-year-old former “Laguna Beach” star Kristin Cavallari to fill out the ‘Daisy Dukes’ (yep, the same micro-star who was linked to Jessica Simpson’s ex-, Nick Lachey, at one time).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bubba Sparxxx – TONIGHT he guests on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Dave Matthews Band – TONIGHT they kick off a 37-city tour summer tour in Maryland Heights MO, with more stops likely to be added as it gets rolling.
• Hoobastank – TONIGHT they’re on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• INXS – Johnny Depp will play late frontman Michael Hutchence in an upcoming biopic. Even more intriguing: he’s agreed to allow his real-life former girlfriend, model Kate Moss, to play the role of Hutchence’s girlfriend Paula Yates. Hutchence was found dead in a Sydney, Australia hotel room in 1997.
• James Blunt – After he recently suggested that anyone who doesn’t like his music should simply switch off the radio, Britain’s Essex FM has announced it’s no longer playing “You’re Beautiful”. Thanks! We want to live there.
• Mariah Carey – TODAY a 16-foot-tall poster of her legs will be unveiled at a Radio City Music Hall press conference in NYC as part of Gillette’s ‘Legs Of A Goddess’ ad campaign which she’ll front. As a further publicity gimmick, it will be announced her gams are being insured for $1 billion. Think they’re worth it? Perhaps by the pound.
• Nirvana – According to psychic Victoria Bullis in “Stuff” magazine, Kurt Cobain will be reborn within 15 years as a classical piano child prodigy. She also reveals that he spent his last life tortured & depressed because of a previous life in the 16th century when he herded a bunch of people into the dungeon beneath a castle and let them all suffocate. Really? Smells like a story.
• On CD TODAY: George Thorogood’s “The Hard Stuff”; Kris Kristofferson’s “Live from Austin, Texas”; Les Claypool’s “Of Whales & Woe”; Ralph Stanley’s “A Distant Land to Roam: Songs of the Carter Family”; the “Rescue Me” soundtrack; and “By Request: 80s Hits Stripped”.
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Date Movie” ( Comedy ): In this spoof of romantic comedies, Alyson Hannigan plays the frustrated romantic looking for love in the all the wrong movies until she meets the man of her dreams (Adam Campbell) and a whole new set of complications. Written by members of the “Scary Movie” team. Co-stars Fred Willard & Carmen Electra.
• “Freedomland” ( Suspense Thriller ): In this movie adaptation of Richard Price’s novel about a neighborhood on the verge of racial war, Samuel Jackson plays a street-smart detective & Julianne Moore a mother in shock after a carjacking takes her infant son away. Edie Falco (“The Sopranos”) co-stars.
• Also on DVD TODAY: “The Bette Davis Collection, Vol 2″; “The Dukes of Hazzard: The Complete 6th Season”; “John Wayne: An American Icon Collection”; “Platoon: 20th Anniversary Collector’s Edition”; ”Queer as Folk: The Final Season”; and “Will & Grace: Series Finalé”.
DID YOU KNOW?
• Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.
• More than 20,000 brands of beer are in existence.
• The Statue of Liberty’s mouth is 3-feet-wide.
• Maine is the only state in the US whose name has 1 syllable.
• In case of a crash, Prince Charles & Prince William never travel on the same airplane.
• Men laugh longer, louder and more often than women.
A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … the combination of caffeine & alcohol seems to protect lab rats from suffering brain damage following a stroke. (How the heck did the Texas researchers distinguish brain-damaged rats from those wasted on Kahlua?)
• Scientists say … the designer drug Ecstasy can cause depression in pigs. That’s the conclusion of researchers at Arhus Hospital in Copenhagen, Denmark after a 3-year study. (They stink, they’re physically incapable of looking up, and they spend their lives in a sty fulla crap and you think it’s the E that makes them depressed?)
• Scientists say … tofu leads to drooling. According to a study in the “Journal of the American College of Nutrition”, the more tofu eaten, the greater likelihood of mental decline years later. (Always thought anyone who would eat that ucky stuff was out of their mind.)
HOW TO HANDLE A BITCHY INSULT:
• Take it as a suggestion: “That’s interesting. I never thought about it that way. The way you just said it, however, isn’t the best way for me to get your point.”
• Laugh it off: “Oh, you’re hilarious! For a second I thought you were being serious.”
• Ask for an explanation: “What would make you say something like that?”
• Slap ‘em with a comeback: “Is that comment supposed to be helpful?”
JUST IN TIME FOR THE WORLD CUP:
Dutch inventors are working on a sound system that will drown out chanting soccer hooligans by blasting their own screams back at them after a slight delay. Experiments have found that a carefully timed echo of a crowd’s chanting played back to them screws up their brains enough to make it almost impossible to launch abuse at players or opposing fans. (And that’s when the fistfights break out.)
– “New Scientist”
WORST SONGS OF ALL-TIME:
This is a good argument starter if nothing else. What makes a song truly awful likely varies from person-to-person, but here’s one network’s breakdown of the all-time tackiest tunes …
5. Vanilla Ice, “Ice Ice Baby”.
4. Limp Bizkit, “Rollin’”.
3. Wang Chung, “Everybody Have Fun Tonight”.
2. Billy Ray Cyrus, “Achy Breaky Heart”.
1. Starship, “We Built This City”.
According to a new Brides.com survey, about 33% of brides-to-be expect to hop in the sack after the wedding reception – and sleep. About 10% say they anticipate staying up late with their new husbands to – swap stories. That means that close to half of all marriages will not be consummated on their first night. (That way they can easily be annulled in the morning.)
– “Atlanta Journal-Constitution”
A Nepalese mountain guide has set at least an unofficial record for climbing to the top of Mount Everest, stripping down, and standing naked on the summit in sub-zero temperatures for 3 minutes. The temperature at the peak this time of year varies from -7C (19F) to -25C (-13F). But 25-year-old Lakpa Tharke Sherpa is taking a lot of grief for his feat. The Nepal Mountaineering Association is condemning it because the mountain is considered sacred to many locals. (Maybe that’s why he almost sacrificed the family jewels.)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case in which an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
• One of the earliest sightings of ‘Sasquatch’ footprints was in 1811 by a Canadian trader in Alberta.
THE BULL SHEET 05.30.2K6
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946  Don Ferguson, Montréal QC, TV comic (“Royal Canadian Air Farce” since 1973)
1964  Wynonna Judd (Christina Ciminella), Ashland KY, TV host (“Nashville Star”)/country singer (“Woman To Woman”)/5 Grammy Awards with mom Naomi as The Judds (“Love Can Build a Bridge”)/sister of actress Ashley Judd
1964  Tom Morello, NYC, rock guitarist (Audioslave-“Doesn’t Remind Me”)
1971  Patrick Dahlheimer, York PA, alt-rock bassist (Live-“Lightning Crashes”)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Joan of Arc Feast Day” in France, honoring the ‘Maid of Orleans’ who was condemned as a heretic and burned at the stake at age 19 in 1431. To celebrate, grill a steak!
• “Water a Flower Day”, because nourishing a little bit of natural beauty may be the only worthwhile thing you do all day today … loser.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1996  After a 10-year stint with Mary Hart, John Tesh co-anchors his last edition of TV’s “Entertainment Tonight” before pursuing a career as a New Age music composer, and eventually … syndicated radio jock
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1981  The ‘Compact Disc’ (CD) is introduced (and 1st consumer pitches a fit trying to open the shrinkwrap)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1889  1st ‘Brassiere’ is invented (next day, the 1st teenage boy has trouble fumbling with the clasp)
1896  1st ‘Auto Accident’ as motorist Henry Wells of Springfield MA hits bicyclist Evelyn Thomas on a NYC street, breaking her leg (she’s immediately contacted by the 1st ‘Personal Injury Attorney’)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Senior Health & Fitness Day
[Wed] Macaroon Day
[Wed] Save Your Hearing Day
[Wed] World No-Tobacco Day
This Week Is … International Pickle Week
This Month Is … Better Hearing Month
ACTUAL TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Cannibals Order Pizza … Then Eat the Deliveryman!”
• “Dentist Kills Werewolf by Giving Him Silver Fillings!”
• “Woman Trapped Under Utility Pole Chews Off Arm to Escape!”
• “Crazy Crook Robs Bank at Skunk-Point!”
• “Dingbat Jet-Setters Sniffing Lizard Poop to Get High!”
BS ‘CAPITAL CODES’:
Your contestant must crack the code to identify what the following terms spelled in capital letters mean. Some are ‘acronyms’ (words formed from the initial letters of a name), some are ‘initialisms’ (abbreviations consisting of the first letter or letters of words in a phrase). A clue is provided for each. To avoid repeating them several times on-air, ask the contestant to write them down as you list them off. Then come back for the answers after a break.
1. C-P-C (thank goodness they’re no longer CRAP) … ‘Conservative Party of Canada’.
2. CUPE (‘KEW-pee’, the servant of civil servants) … ‘Canadian Union of Public Employees’.
1. M-I-T (where East Coast geeks gather) … ‘Massachusetts Institute of Technology’.
2. U-S-M-C (they’re motto is ‘Semper Fidelis’) … ‘United States Marine Corps’.
3. T-G-I-F (you hear this at the end of every week) … ‘Thank God It’s Friday’.
4. U-B-C (the home of the Thunderbirds) … ‘University of British Columbia’.
5. C-I-B-C (at one time, it owned a chunk of the Toronto Blue Jays) … ‘Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce’.
4. SCUBA (‘SKOO-buh’, this word is now so common many forget its letters stand for something) … ‘Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus’.
5. I-B-M (they no longer sell PCs but they still compute) … ‘International Business Machines’.
6. GLAAD (‘Glad’, they’re pink and proud) … ‘Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation’.
7. P-M-O (the people in Ottawa who are really in charge) … ‘Prime Minister’s Office’.
7. A-C-L-U (they stand up for rights) … ‘American Civil Liberties Union’.
8. M-S-R-P (you see this in some product ads) … ‘Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price’.
9. SNAFU (‘sna-FOO’, this now common word began as military slang) … ‘Situation Normal All Fouled Up’ (polite form).
10. C-P-A (maybe you hired one to do your income tax?) … ‘Certified Public Accountant’.
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Ever notice? A lot of rich guys owe their success to their 1st wife … and their 2nd wife to their success.
• I’m in shape … round’s a shape, isn’t it?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 50% of the world does THIS at least once a day.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Sneezes.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
BS FRESH MEAT:
A big moo-out to George Flexter @ The X Radio (WXEF) Effingham IL, who’s re-upped for another full year of “BS”; we also welcome new subscriber Russell MacKenzie @ Today’s Best Country AVR (CKEN) Kentville NS; and samplers this week that include Todd Zilla @ Star 102.1 (WWST) Knoxville TN; Mike Ciccone @ Mountain FM (CISQ) Squamish/Whistler BC; Rick Charwin @ WDVR Sergeantsville/Princeton NJ; and Sue Vite @ KGVL Greenville TX. As always, you can subscribe or renew your subscription right here – http://thebullsheet.com/location.html