Friday, November 14, 2003        Edition: #2666
Sheet, Featuring Bull

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY in Dallas TX, Heritage Galleries will auction the complete collection of an Arnold Schwarzenegger memorabilia fan, including props, costumes & other items from the Governator’s movie career (starlets’ dresses with his handprints?) . . . SUNDAY Carmen Electra & hubby-to-be Dave Navarro will celebrate his bachelor party TOGETHER at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas and word is the invitations feature she & he lying naked side-by-side in a morgue, with the inscription ‘Til Death Do Us Part’ . . . Actor Christian Slater is trying to prevent wife Ryan Haddon from going to jail for that Hard Rock Hotel incident where she bonked him on the head with a glass, claiming she only meant to throw the water at him – the glass slipped out of her hand (better hope she isn’t trying throw a holster next time) . . . THIS YEAR’S “CMA Award” male & female vocalists of the year, Alan Jackson & Martina McBride, will launch a nationwide concert tour NEXT YEAR, dates and venues to be announced soon . .  . Beyonce Knowles tells German magazine “Bild” she has trouble finding clothes that fit her butt (call J-Lo – she’ll have some hand-me-downs … including a wedding dress) . . . 81-year-old actor Christopher Lee, who plays ‘Saruman the White’ in “Lord Of The Rings”, is fuming that ALL of his scenes have been cut from the upcoming final episode, “The Return Of The King”, and vows he’ll boycott the movie’s premieres . . . Wildman actor Leonardo DiCaprio is offering a whopping $20,000 reward for the return of an inexpensive camera he lost in LA’s trendy Shelter nightclub – prompting speculation as to exactly what kind of pictures are on the film (no doubt Larry Flynt will let us know).

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Master & Commander: The Far Side Of The World” (Action/Adventure): Russell Crowe stars as ‘Lucky Jack Aubrey’, captain of the ‘HMS Surprise’ during the early-19th-century Napoleonic Wars in this $130-million epic. Crowe’s “A Beautiful Mind” co-star and real-life friend Paul Bettany co-stars as the ship’s surgeon. (Is this not the clumsiest title of the year?)
• “Tupac: Resurrection” (Documentary/Bio): Even though he was murdered 7 years ago, Tupac narrates this collection of musical clips, interviews, home movies, and unreleased concert footage himself. This speaking-from-beyond-the-grave trick was pulled off by scrounging through hours of tapes recorded during the course of his brief career. The executive producer is his mother, Afeni Shakur.
• “Looney Tunes: Back In Action” (Animated/Live Action Comedy): A fired stuntman (Brendan Fraser) teams up with disgruntled ‘Daffy Duck’ (who’s quit show biz ‘cause Bugs Bunny gets all the attention) and head for Las Vegas and Africa, where they search for the mythical ‘Blue Diamond’. A studio executive (Jenna Elfman) & ‘Bugs Bunny’ (Bugs Bunny) chase after them, trying to get ‘Daffy’ to return to Hollywood.

31ST AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS:
• SUNDAY live on ABC-TV from the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, hosted by comedian/talk show host Jimmy Kimmel.
• The Dick Clark-created awards honor the top performers in popular & country music.
• Performers include Sheryl Crow, Hilary Duff, Pink, Metallica, Alan Jackson, Britney Spears, Kid Rock, Ashanti, Toby Keith, Ricky Martin, OutKast, Ruben Studdard & Clay Aiken.
• Multiple nominees include Justin Timberlake, Beyonce Knowles, Shania Twain, Kid Rock, Ashanti, R Kelly, Tim McGraw, Toby Keith, 50 Cent & Sean Paul.
• Winner of the ‘Fans’ Choice Award’ will be determined by an Internet vote …
NET: http://www.abc.com
• Gift baskets for participants contain about 150 items worth an estimated $31,000, including 1st-class round-trip airfare, vacation getaways to Jamaica, karaoke machines & gift certificates for laser eye surgery.

FOR THE RECORD:
• TODAY 37-year-old Mark McGowan from Peckham, England is scheduled to begin a 12-day stay in the shop window of the House Gallery in London. No sweat? Well, he’ll be sitting in a bathtub filled with baked beans, with a fried potato in each nostril and sausages wrapped around his head. All of this to set a world record and celebrate – English culture.
• The feathers will be flying at Oregon State University TONIGHT as students try to break the record for the ‘World’s Largest Pillow Fight’. The fight has to last at least 60 seconds and involve 646 people.

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Police in the Vietnamese capital Hanoi have a new way to deal with illegal street racing. Beat officers are now armed with paintball guns! The thinking is that blasting drivers with a bright color will make it easier to track the motorbike racers. (“The Fast & the Purple”)
• Opera director Gerald Thomas was so furious a Rio de Janeiro audience booed his sexed-up production of Wagner’s “Tristan & Isolde”, he dropped his pants and mooned them from the stage. Thomas claims the audience ‘didn’t understand‘ the show which featured a woman masturbating on a sofa and a Sigmund Freud character sniffing cocaine. He’s been charged with public indecency. (And for those of you out there poo-pooing this show, we offer you this [zip SFX])
• Trondheim, Norway cops have been foiled in an attempt to catch burglars in a candy factory. They let their police dog ‘Varg’ loose to track the crooks down but the pooch got sidetracked by all the candy and ate himself sick. (On the next “Karen Sisco”, the marshal eats her way through Hershey, Pennsylvania …”)

BS AMAZING FACT:
Over 11,000 people have visited a tortilla chip in New Mexico that appeared to have the face of Jesus burned into it.

THE BULL SHEET 11.14.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [55] Prince Charles (Philip Arthur George of Wales), London UK, heir to British throne who was invested Prince of Wales in 1969, wed Lady Diana Spencer in 1981 and divorced her in 1996/father of princes William & Harry (Jay Leno says recent news stories prove that being the Prince of Wales is a royal pain in the ass!)

1954 [49] Condoleezza Rice, Birmingham AL, US National Security Advisor in the Dubya administration since 2001 (ever notice how National Security Advisor ‘Nancy McNally’ bears a bit of a resemblance on “The West Wing”?)

1975 [28] Travis Barker, Fontana CA, rock drummer (Blink 182-“First Date”, “What’s My Age Again?”) who often performs topless to show off his tattoos

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1929 [74] Ed Asner, Kansas City MO, movie actor (‘Santa’ in “Elf“)/former TV actor (“Lou Grant”, “Mary Tyler Moore”) whose 7 Emmy Awards make him the most honored male TV actor
1940 [63] Sam Waterston, Cambridge MA, TV actor (‘Executive Assistant DA Jack McCoy’-“Law & Order” since 1994)

1957 [46] Kevin Eubanks, Philadelphia PA, guitarist/bandleader (“Tonight Show With Jay Leno” since 1995)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Operating Room Nurse Day”, the highlight of “Operating Room Nurse Week”. Forceps! Sutcher! Bucket!

TODAY is “Leftovers Trading Day”, a day to swap all the leftovers lurking in the back of your refrigerator to a friend for the leftovers in theirs. And then …

TODAY is “Pack Your Mom’s Lunch Day”, when kids with a mother who’s gone back to school  are encouraged to honor her by making her lunch. (Or could it be a chance to get back at mom for all those baloney sandwiches and the embarrassing wiener-on-a-string in a Thermos that you were forced to take to school in Grade 3?) And then when you’re done that …

TOMORROW is “National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day”, a day to hunt down and throw out those green-encrusted remains lurking in the depths. And would it kill you to wash out the vegetable crisper for once? What’s the oddest thing in your fridge?

TOMORROW is “George Spelvin Day” (female variation ‘Georgette’ or ‘Georgina’), commemorating the 1886 invention of the name used on Broadway for actors who have more than one role in a play. The fictitious name has appeared in over 10,000 Broadway programs. (The name “Walter Plinge” is similarly used on the British stage.)

SATURDAY is “America Recycles Day”, a day to pledge to recycle, buy recycled products and support local recycling events.
NET: http://www.americarecyclesday.org

THIS WEEKEND is the annual “Elephant Round-Up” in Surin,  the ‘Elephant Capital’ of Thailand. Highlights include a mock battle featuring smoke, swords, and more than 100 mighty elephants and dozens of costumed warlords, and special elephant competitions in strength, skill, and obedience. There’s also a party for 200 elephants that will include a 60-ton buffet. (Man, you oughta see the sneeze-guards!)
NET: http://www.thailandgrandfestival.com

SUNDAY the 91st “Grey Cup“ is played in Regina between the Edmonton Eskinmos & Montréal Alouettes, a rematch of the 2002 dame (Alouettes won 25-16). “Canadian Idol” winner Ryan Malcolm is scheduled to sing the national anthem. Bryan Adams and Sam Roberts headline the halftime show. You can download the “Grey Cup Theme Song” by Wide Mouth Mason here …
NET: http://www.cfl.ca/CFLGreyCup/home.html

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1666 [337] 1st recorded ‘blood transfusion’ (dog-to-dog)

1896 [107] 1st ‘hydro-electric power plant’ at Niagara Falls begins operation

1982 [21] 1st ‘domed stadium’ in Canada opens (BC Place in Vancouver)

1994 [09] The Channel Tunnel (‘Chunnel’) opens, linking Britain & France under the English Channel

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1993 [10] Miami’s Don Shula becomes winningest coach in NFL history, beating Eagles for his 325th victory (finishes career in 1995 with 347 wins and is elected to Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1997)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Button Day
[Mon] Take A Hike Day
[Mon] Homemade Bread Day
[Mon] National Farm Joke Day
This Week Is . . . Random Acts of Kindness Week / National Farm Week
This Month Is . . . Stamp Collecting Month / Family Stories Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
• Rabbits can live up to 10 years. [TRUE!]
• 31% of employees skip lunch entirely. [TRUE!]
• The hottest new toy this Christmas is expected to be the Paris Hilton Action Figure. [BS]
• The “Mexican Hat Dance” is the official dance of Mexico. [TRUE!]
• Due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain, staring at a blue surface during sex greatly increases the intensity of orgasms. [BS]
• A can of cola contains the equivalent of about 7 teaspoons of sugar. [TRUE!]
• Montréal is the second-largest French speaking city after Paris. [TRUE!]
• The sport of jai alai originated from a game played by Aztec priests who held cats by their tails and swung at leather balls. [BS]
• A chicken is 75% water. [TRUE!]
• Watching an hour-long soap opera on TV burns more calories than watching a 3-hour hockey game on TV. [BS]

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “If you could change just one thing about your appearance, what would it be?”
• “Is spam making e-mail more trouble than it’s worth?”
• “The world would be a better place if we could just get rid of … “

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• A woman in a bar turns down a guy trying to pick her up saying, “No thanks, I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I truly love.” “That must be really tough,” the guy says. “Oh, I don’t mind too much,” says the woman. “But it has my husband pretty upset.”
• Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• That interlude of silence was my fault … you can stop smacking your radio.

BS FIND THE FAKE:
Which of the following is NOT an actual article from a women’s magazine?
GAME #1 –
• “Finding Your Me-Spot”
• “When It Comes to Moaning, Practise Makes Perfect!” [FAKE]
• “The Crucial Piece of Info Your Gyno Hasn’t Told You”

GAME #2 –
• “Get Lippy & He’ll Love It!” [FAKE]
• “Lock the Doors, Dim the Lights & Try this Naughty Number Tonight!”
• “The Toy Women Can’t Keep Their Hands Off!”

GAME #3 –
• “Sexy Party Clothes Guaranteed to Jingle His Bells”
• “What His Favorite Mattress Move Reveals About His Feelings for You”
• “He’ll Be So Happy After This He’ll Help You Clean House” [FAKE]
Sources: “Cosmo”, “Cleo”, “Chatelaine”

CANADIANA QUIZ:
The following are actual Canadian placenames. In which province would you find each?
Poopoo Creek [British Columbia]
Community Punch Bowl [Alberta]
Billy Butts Pond [Newfoundland]
Pugwash Junction [Nova Scotia]
Bastard [Ontario]

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 17% of men think about THIS every single day. What’s on their mind?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A former lover.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.