Thursday, November 22, 2001 Edition: #2181
The Most Touchdowns in Show Prep!
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why is it people who want to share their religious views with you never want you to share yours with them?
• Is it coincidence that high-priced bottled water ‘Evian’ spelled backwards is ‘naive’?
• Isn’t creating a ‘smoking section’ in a restaurant like making a ‘peeing section’ in a swimming pool?
• Why is it if the shoe fits . . . it’s usually ugly?
• They warn you about everything else, so how come moms never warn you about whizzing on the electric fence?
• If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the ‘Jags’, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers the ‘Bucs’, and the New England Patriots the ‘Pats’, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
• If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that the 5th one enjoys it?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
It’s American Turkey Day and Yankee patriotic fever is running high – TODAY more than 100 newspaper comic strips, from “Beetle Bailey” to “Blondie”, will pay tribute to the heroes, victims and survivors of 9/11 . . . Then TONIGHT, Jay Leno’s “Tonight Show” presents a special live rah-rah US Thanksgiving show for American troops . . . TONIGHT Brad Pitt guest stars on “Friends” and in one scene he’s made to look fat (maybe he’ll be having ‘Rachel’s’ baby) . . . TONIGHT a documentary on Mick Jagger called “Being Mick” airs on ABC-TV and in Britain in which Mick moans about not being knighted like Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Elton John . . . Kristin Davis’ married character ‘Charlotte’ on “Sex and the City” will be seduced this season by a suave dentist played by her real-life boyfriend, Alec Baldwin (hey, it’s an HBO show – we might actually get to see him fill her cavity).
FUTURE FILMS:
Bill Cosby has finished the script for a “Fat Albert” feature film, based on his 1970’s cartoon series (“Heh, hey, hey! What’s this got to do with kids today?”) . . . They worked together on “Out of Sight” and the soon-to-release “Ocean’s 11″, and now it looks like George Clooney and director Steven Soderbergh will co-op on the sci-fi thriller “Solaris”, based on a Russian novel (in this one, George will play a RUSSIAN guy who looks up from under his eyebrows) . . . Martin Lawrence (“The Black Knight”) is looking for $20 million to star in the comedy “The Bomb”, said to be an urban version of the movie “10″ (“She da bomb, phool!”) . . . Nicole Kidman is in talks to star in the mystery thriller “The Forgotten”, about a woman investigating the disappearance of her children (that’s no mystery Nic’, it’s Tom’s week to have ‘em!).
HEAD BANGERS:
Did you know that we use over 16,000 tons of aspirin per year? That’s understandable when you take into account the National Headache Foundation has now categorized 179 different types of headaches. (Actually there’s 180, if you include the ‘Not tonight, dear, I have a headache’ headache.)
HEAD BANGERS II:
German neurologist Stefan Evers says people who rush sex are most likely to suffer serious head pains at orgasm. The syndrome, which causes an explosion-like pain during orgasm, may be linked to migraine. Most sufferers are between 25 and 50, and men are up to 4 times more likely to be affected than women. So what to do? Evers’ research suggests allowing sexual tension to build slowly and total avoidance of ‘quickies’. (Great, now how are we gonna kill time while TV commercials are on?)
MOM WAS RIGHT:
Carrots really are good for your eyes. “Men’s Health” magazine reports that people whose diets include lots of carrots are 40% less likely to develop cataracts later in life. (But more likely to have really, really big ears.)
SENIOR GAMES:
A study in “Longevity” magazine says you actually get BETTER at some sports as you age. For instance, golf, skiing and cycling often improve with age and experience.
OTHER GAMES WE GET BETTER AT AS WE AGE:
• Sag, you’re it!
• Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
• 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
• Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
• Simon says something incoherent.
• Hide and go pee.
• Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
• Musical recliners.
• Kick the bucket.
THE BULL SHEET 11.22.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1921 [80] Rodney Dangerfield (Jacob Cohen), Babylon NY, ‘no respect’ standup comedian/movie actor (“Little Nicky”, “Caddyshack”)
1956 [45] Richard Kind, Trenton NJ, TV actor (Paul Thomas Lassiter-“Spin City”)
1958 [43] Jamie Lee Curtis, LA CA, movie actress (“Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later”, “True Lies”)
1961 [40] Mariel Hemingway, Mill Valley CA, movie actress (“First Daughter”, “Deconstructing Harry”)/Ernest Hemingway’s granddaughter
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] “Thanksgiving Day” (traditional NFL games in Detroit and Dallas)
TODAY is “Start Your Own Country Day”, a good excuse to ask listeners what 3 things would be different if they ran their own nation. (Let’s see – no taxes, um, no taxes, and no taxes.)
TODAY is “St Cecelia’s Day”, the patron saint of music and purported inventor of the organ. A disproportionate 73% of women with the name ‘Celia’ are left-handed according to a recent study. Psychologists say they have no idea why.
TODAY is “National Stop The Violence Day”, observed annually on the anniversary of the assassination of US President John F Kennedy.
THIS WEEK the 14th annual “Cannabis Cup” is under way in Amsterdam, Holland where blowin’ on a doobie is legal. Judges rate the top weed from around-the-world, while participants attend seminars and ‘sample’ product.
NET: http://www.hightimes.com/Events/CannabisCup/
ON THIS DAY . . .
1999 [02] NHL great Wayne Gretzky inducted into Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1917 [84] ‘National Hockey League’ 1st organized at Board of Governors meeting at Montréal’s Windsor Hotel (Montréal Canadiens, Montréal Wanderers, Toronto Arenas, and Ottawa Senators begin play December 19, 1917, then Wanderers drop out after Westmount Arena burns down)
1968 [33] 1st-ever ‘interracial kiss’ shown on TV (‘Captain Kirk’ & ‘Uhura’ on “Star Trek”)
1981 [20] 1st team to win 4 consecutive Grey Cups (Edmonton Eskimos, who go on to win a 5th in 1982)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Sinkie Day (for people who eat over the sink)
[Sun] 89th Grey Cup (Winnipeg vs Calgary in Montréal)
[Sun] Shopping Reminder Day (like we need one)
Marrow Awareness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS GREY CUP QUICK PICKS:
• Who performed the national anthem at LAST YEAR’S Grey Cup?
a) The Guess Who
b) The Maximum Blue Military Band
c) Leonard Cohen
[It was inaudible on TV, but the Canadian Forces military band did the honors. The Guess Who performed at half-time.]
• The 1989 Grey Cup was played indoors at —
a) Toronto’s Skydome
b) Vancouver’s BC Place
c) Calgary’s Saddledome
[SkyDome 1st hosted the 77th Grey Cup in 1989.]
• The 1962 Grey Cup was postponed by –
a) Fog
b) Power failure
c) Lack of interest
[The game was stopped by fog on Saturday, December 1st and the final 9 mins, 29 secs were played the next day, when Winnipeg edged Hamilton 28-27.]
• Where would you find the Canadian Football Hall of Fame?
a) Toronto
b) Hamilton
c) Green Bay
[The Canadian Football Hall of Fame opened in Hamilton in 1972.]
• What football equipment was made compulsory in 1949?
a) Athletic supporters
b) Helmets
c) Pants
[Helmets]
(Sources: “The 55 Yard Line”, CFL.ca, Slam! Sports)
FIND THE FAKE:
One of the following is NOT an actual tabloid headline, but which?
• “Scientists Confirm Human Soul Lives Forever and the Mind Never Dies!”
• “Batter-Fried Turkey Wattles a Big Hit on American Thanksgiving Tables!” (FAKE)
• “Talking Coconut from Brazil Answers Every Question!”
(Source: “Weekly World News”)
BRITISH TO CANADIAN DICTIONARY:
Have contestant try to come up with the translation . . .
• waistcoat . . . vest
• vest . . . undershirt
• rubber . . . eraser
• knock you up . . . wake you up
• pantechnicon . . . moving van
• fresher . . . freshman
• dual carriageway . . . divided highway
• caravan . . . house trailer
• crisps . . . potato chips
• chemist . . . pharmacist
(Source: Princess Cruises)
BS RELIGIOUS TRUTHS:
• Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
• Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
• Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or in strip joints.
BS TAG LINE: Say nothing and they think you’re stupid. Talk and they know for sure.
