Wednesday, November 21, 2001 Edition: #2180
Raging Bull!
After almost a year listening to George W’s drawl, we’ve come to the conclusion – he can make even the most serious statements sound goofy. So here’s some . . .
BS PHRASES THAT SOUND FUNNIER WITH A FAKE TEXAS ACCENT:
• “Pardon me, ma’am. Have you seen my donkey?”
• “Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”
• “I’ll slap you so hard, when you wake up your clothes will be outta style.”
• “Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”
• “Slow that tanker down, boy. This ain’t the ‘Indie 500′.”
• “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
• “What time’s the next tractor pull?”
• “What’s all the fussin’ and fuzzlin’ and wuzzlin’ about?”
• “I do believe you’re wearing my sun-dress.”
• “I’d like to introduce you all to my good friend John Cray-chin.”
UNUSUAL THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS AT OUR HOUSE:
• Bobbing for giblets.
• Main course — Kraft mac & cheese with gravy.
• The create-Angelina-Jolie-in-mashed-potatoes sculpting contest.
• After-dinner game of road hockey — with grandpa’s teeth.
• No dessert until you finish last year’s leftovers.
• The post-dinner methane Olympics.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT on “The Tonight Show”, Jay Leno salutes ‘no respect’ comedian Rodney Dangerfield with special celebrity greetings to celebrate his 80th birthday (which is TOMORROW) . . . The Ohio real estate group that just bought Madonna’s childhood home in Michigan for $331,000 says they won’t make any major changes before trying to resell it (although they are going to get rid of the revolving door to her old bedroom) . . . “West Wing” cast members are supporting a campaign to encourage travel and tourism to Washington DC, but ironically Martin Sheen and Rob Lowe shot the public service announcements — in Burbank, California . . . ‘N Sync’s Chris Kirkpatrick tells “Us Weekly” he can’t believe how his life has changed now that he’s gone from ‘totally poor to totally rich’ (and from ‘totally celibate’ to . . .) . . . DVD peddlers in China and Taiwan are already selling illegal copies of “Harry Potter & the Sorcerer’s Stone” for just over a buck, apparently filmed using a video camera in a theater (a real class production — at one point, an audience member walks through a shot!).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Martin Lawrence stars in the comedy “The Black Knight” as an amusement park employee at ‘Medieval World’ who suffers a blow to the head and wakes up in 14th-century England . . . In the thriller “Spy Game”, Robert Redford plays a CIA operative on the brink of retirement who finds out his protege, played by Brad Pitt, has been arrested for spying in China . . . “Out Cold”, a no-name kid comedy about – snowboarding (gosh, just what we’ve been missing!).
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SOAPS:
According to psychologist Andy Evans, daytime TV soap operas play an important role in the fabric of society because the plots often address important social issues, encouraging viewer discussion. (Plus they can teach you what to do when your ex — whom you thought died in a fiery crash 10 years ago – suddenly shows up at your door claiming to be your brother, who’s about to steal the family fashion business from you and have a child with your best friend’s twin sister.)
AGE OLD QUESTION:
Researchers for the International Longevity Center say that most people now consider ‘old age’ begins at 75. They came up with that figure after conducting a poll and then adjusting results according to the age of the participants. Why the adjustment? The age we consider ‘old’ keeps going up the older we get. (The reason the teacher your first-grader refers to as ‘old Mrs Kimble’ turn out to be 24.)
JUST SNIFFING AROUND:
In her newly-released study “A History of Passionate Kisses”, German academic Ingelore Ebberfeld claims kissing originates from — animals sniffing each other. She says when
humans adopted an upright posture they turned their attention to higher regions of the body. Kissing somebody’s hand or the Inuit habit of bringing noses together in a ‘kiss’ all derive from the same behavior. (Does this explain football players patting each other’s butts?)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A tobacco company is coming out with a breath mint made from tobacco. (For people who don’t want to be a smoker, but want to smell like one?)
• The Audubon Society is worried that ‘Harry Potter’s’ trained owl ‘Hedwig’ will prompt children to ask for a pet snowy owl for Christmas, and warns it’s a wild bird of prey and not particularly bright nor sociable. (This is about as dumb as religious fundamentalists worrying the movie will lead children to devil worship. Next we’ll be hearing from the ‘Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to — Brooms’.)
• University of Chicago scientists have discovered that the final size of a crumpled paper ball depends more on how long its squeezed than on how hard. The researchers came to that conclusion after repeatedly crumpling sheets of paper into balls over a 3-week period. (More importantly, they also found they can consistently make about 7 out of 10 shots into their wastebaskets.)
• A Sydney-based company is offering online daily financial market reports read by — naked women. (In Australia, the dollar isn’t the only thing that’s up!)
THE BULL SHEET 11.21.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1927 [74] Georgia Frontiere, NFL team owner (moved Rams from LA to St Louis)
1944 [57] Harold Ramis, Chicago IL, movie director (“Analyze This”, “Groundhog Day”)/sometime actor (“Ghostbusters”, “SCTV”) NEXT FILM: Directs Robert De Niro & Billy Crystal in the comedy sequel ”Analyze That”, opening 2002
1945 [56] Goldie Hawn (Btudlendgehawn), Washington DC, movie actress (“First Wives Club”, Oscar-“Cactus Flower”)/Kurt Russell’s longtime partner/Kate Hudson’s mom NEXT FILM: Co-stars with Susan Sarandon in the comedy “The Banger Sisters”, due NEXT YEAR
1965 [36] Bjork (Gudmundsdottir), Reykjavik ICE, film actress (2000 Cannes festival winner-“Dancer in the Dark”)/rock singer (“Selmasongs”)
1966 [35] Troy Aikman, West Covina CA, FOX-TV NFL analyst (with former teammate Daryl Johnston & play-by-play announcer Dick Stockton)/retired NFL QB (Dallas Cowboys)
1971 [30] Michael Strahan, Houston TX, NFL DE (NY Giants) who has a league-leading 15 QB sacks this season
1974 [27] Kelsi Osborn, Magna UT, country singer (SHeDAISY-“This Woman Needs”, “Little Good-byes”)/group’s name is Native American word meaning ‘my sisters’
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is the 29th “World Hello Day”, observed in some 180 countries. Participants are asked to spread goodwill by saying ‘hello’ to at least 10 people. Try conferencing 10 different people to say ‘hello’ to one eager-beaver listener, or having your listeners call in to say ‘hello’ in another language.
NET: http://www.worldhelloday.org
And here’s a Website telling you how to say ‘hello’ in more than 700 languages.
NET: http://www.elite.net/~runner/jennifers/hello.htm
TODAY “Grey Cup Week” begins in Montréal with various shows and activities held under huge heated tents in the specially-created ‘Grey Cup Village’. There’s a main event tent called the ‘Big Top at the Village’, a ‘Bistro Tent’, the ‘Village Show Tent’, etc — a unique idea that deserves to become a Grey Cup tradition. With Calgary in the final, you can bet there’ll be horses in hotel lobbies again.
NET: http://www.cfl.ca/GreyCup/home.html
TOMORROW’S 75th annual “Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade” in NYC features performances by O-Town, Tony Bennett, Billy Gilman and Jon Secada.
The original “Thanksgiving” festivities date back 2,000 years to Celtic priests, the Druids, who celebrated a harvest festival. “Thanksgiving” was declared a US national holiday in 1863, following an intense campaign by Sarah Josepha Hale, editor of a ladies’ magazine. President Abraham Lincoln officially set the date as the last Thursday of November. The date was moved up a week by President Franklin D Roosevelt in 1939, to stimulate the Depression economy. 2 years of public protest followed. Congress then passed a law establishing the fourth Thursday in November as the official holiday.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1990 [11] Mick Jagger weds Jerry Hall in Bali (man, was that an expensive idea)
1995 [06] Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong is arrested and fined $141 at a concert in Milwaukee – for dropping his pants
2000 [01] Backstreet Boys release “Black & Blue” album
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1783 [218] 1st ‘human flight’ (Jean Francois Pilatre de Rozier & the Marquis Francois Laurant d’Arlandes make 1st flight in a balloon, about 6 miles around Paris FRA)
1871 [130] 1st ‘human cannonball’ (Emilio Onra, also known as ‘Flathead’)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1976 [25] Vernon Bass of Sarasota FL becomes ‘world champion oyster-eater’ by inhaling 684 in 20 minutes
1991 [10] Frenchman Gerard d’Aboville completes 4-month solo Pacific crossing — in a rowboat
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] US Thanksgiving Day (get your NFL pool picks in today!)
[Thurs] Start Your Own Country Day (aka ‘Parti Québecois Day’)
[Sun] 89th Grey Cup (Calgary vs Winnipeg in Montréal)
[Sun] Shopping Reminder Day (1 month till you know what)
National Raisin Bread Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONER:
Chuck Ranum of Harvey, North Dakota has converted his home heating system and his van to run on — vegetable oil. Why? He claims it’s more environmentally friendly. The downside – it smells like french fries or doughnuts. And wouldn’t it cost just as much as regular oil?
PHONER: 701-324-4145
BS GREY CUP QUICK PICKS:
• What did the Regina football team officially changed it’s name to on April Fools Day, 1950?
a) The Regina Roughriders
b) The Saskatchewan Roughriders
c) The Ottawa Rough Riders
[Saskatchewan Roughriders]
• Who partnered with Bruce McNall and Wayne Gretzky to buy the Toronto Argos in 1991?
a) John Candy
b) Dan Aykroyd
c) Pinball Clemons
[Late comedian John Candy.]
• What current NFL quarterback led the Calgary Stampeders to victory in the 1992 Grey Cup?
a) Jeff Garcia
b) Doug Flutie
c) Carlos Santana
[Doug Flutie, now the San Diego Chargers QB. Jeff Garcia, now a San Francisco 49er, led Calgary to the 1998 Grey Cup championship.]
• Which of the following has NOT been a Canadian Football League team?
a) Las Vegas Posse
b) Shreveport Pirates
c) Melfort Flatlanders Athletic Club
[Melfort]
• Who donated the Grey Cup trophy in 1909?
a) Lord Earl Grey
b) Lady Jane Grey
c) Macy Gray
[Lord Grey, the Governor General of Canada, donated the trophy to be awarded for the ‘Rugby Football Championship of Canada’.]
(Sources: “The 55 Yard Line”, CFL.ca, Slam! Sports)
BS SFX THEATER:
You tell the story, a studio guest or listener on the phone provides the SFX. Today’s story is called “A Family Thanksgiving” . . .
It’s Thanksgiving morning and mom’s alarm clock goes off (SFX). She sits up in bed, stretches and yawns (SFX). She goes downstairs to the kitchen and plops the turkey onto the counter (SFX), then fills it with stuffing (SFX), jams it in the oven and closes the door (SFX). A few hours later, the first guests arrive and ring the doorbell (SFX). It’s your Aunt Martha who gives you a huge wet kiss (SFX), and rude Uncle Bill, who follows her in and immediately invites you to pull his finger (SFX). As the family sits down to dinner, the football game can be heard in the background from the living room TV (SFX). Your dad mumbles grace (SFX), then the whole family enthusiastically devours the feast (SFX). As the last piece of pumpkin pie is inhaled, rude Uncle Bill undoes his belt buckle to get comfortable (SFX), then let’s out his famous post-dinner burp (SFX).
TURKEY TRUTH OR BS?
• The turkey traditionally ‘pardoned’ by the US President on the eve of ”Thanksgiving” is later raffled off to the White House staff. (BS. The lucky gobbler is given to Kidwell Farm, a petting zoo at Frying Pan Park in Herndon VA. The traditional White House ceremony dates back 50 years to Harry Truman.)
• As well as the bald eagle, the turkey was also considered to become a national symbol of America. (TRUTH. Think we’d be eating them if they’d become the national bird?)
• More than 45 million turkeys are cooked and eaten in the US at Thanksgiving. (TRUTH, according to the US Department of Agriculture.)
• A turkey under 16 weeks of age is called a ‘turklet’. (BS. It’s called a ‘fryer’. And a baby turkey is called a ‘poult’.)
• Last year, some 2.7 billion lbs of turkey was processed in the USA. (TRUTH)
• Turkeys are the only breed of poultry native to the Western Hemisphere. (TRUTH)
• Turkeys can drown if they look up when it’s raining. (TRUTH. No one said they were smart.)
• The term ‘turkey’ was used by New England pilgrims to mean any sort of wild fowl. (TRUTH. Just think, you could be sitting down to a big meal of seagull!)
• That flesh-like appendage that hangs over a turkey’s beak is called the ‘wattle’. (BS. It’s the ‘snood’. The ‘wattle’ is the bright red appendage on the neck. We wonder, can you batter-fry them?)
BS TAG LINE: You’re only as old as other people think you are.
