Wednesday, November 14, 2001 Edition: #2175
Up to Your Ears in BS!
MALE LANGUAGE TRANSLATIONS:
What men say [and what they really mean].
• “I can’t find it!” [“It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”]
• “That’s women’s work.” [“It’s dirty, difficult and thankless.”]
• “Will you marry me?” [“Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer and there’s no more peanut butter.”]
• “It’s a guy thing.” [“There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”]
• “Can I help with dinner?” [“Why isn’t it already on the table?”]
• “It would take too long to explain.” [“I have no idea how it works.”]
• “I’m getting more exercise lately.” [“The batteries to the remote are dead.”]
• “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.” [“I can’t hear the damn game over the vacuum cleaner!”]
• “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.” [“I forgot our anniversary again.”]
• “You expect too much of me.” [“You want me to stay awake?”]
• “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself. It’s no big deal.” [“I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”]
• “I DO help around the house.” [“I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.”]
• “You really look terrific in that outfit!” [“Please don’t try on another outfit. I’m starving!”]
• “I brought you a present.” [“It was ‘free ice scraper night’ at the hockey game.”]
• “I missed you.” [“I can’t find my socks, the kids are hungry and we’re out of toilet paper.”]
• “That’s interesting, dear.” [“Are you still talking?”]
• “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” [“No one will ever see us alive again.”]
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT CBS-TV airs the first of 3 weekly Garth Brooks concert specials in support of the just-released album ”Scarecrow”, his first in 4 years . . . A new TV sitcom is being developed that features the characters from “The Drew Carey Show” in high school in the ‘80s, with younger actors playing the roles (who would you cast as a teenage ‘Mimi’?) . . . FOX-TV is developing a new 1-hour series about Atlanta’s famous Centers for Disease Control (given the anthrax scare, would this be a drama or a reality show?) . . . Mariah Carey has reportedly been offered a role in a ”Friends”-style TV sitcom after producers saw her ‘great comic timing’ in the upcoming movie “Wise Girls” (oh, that explains it — maybe “Glitter” was supposed to be a comedy, too?) . . . Michael Jackson will ‘co-direct’ a movie with Peterborough ON-born Canadian director Bryan Michael Stoller, “Home Of The Angels”, about an 8-year-old orphaned boy (he’s probably just in it for the casting couch) . . . Meantime, in his latest weird interview, Michael Jackson tells “TV Guide” that he plans to build a ‘computer school’ at his Neverland estate so that his children ‘will not have to enter into society’.
DEBUNKING MYTHS:
Jeff Rovin’s book “Why Do Cowboys Wear High Heels?” shoots down many commonly held beliefs. For example, it turns out an apple a day is NOT likely to keep the doctor away. The average apple provides just .0004 ounces of vitamin C, 20% of what an orange contains. And apples have only .07 ounces of dietary fiber. In fact, the largest single component of an apple is sugar — .7 ounces of it. So where’d the old saying come from? According to the book, it was an early ad slogan cooked up by fruit farmers!
FOR THE RECORD:
Nottingham, England performance artist Mat Hand has broken the world record for ‘eating peas in 3 minutes with a cocktail stick’, eclipsing the old record of 207 set in 1998 by 4 peas. It took him 7 attempts to do it. He then moved on to the ‘world grape-eating record’, which he also broke by eating 133 grapes in 3 minutes with a plastic spoon. (He’s also set a new record for having WAAAAYYYY too much time on his hands.)
AND BABY MAKES SIX:
An Italian woman is currently in the middle of a rare ‘double pregnancy’, due to give birth to a girl NEXT WEEK — and triplets 3 months later. The woman and her husband say the double pregnancy is ‘a gift from God’. (And they expect to catch up on their sleep sometime around 2003.)
GET OUT YOUR SNOW TIRES:
Canadian scientists are puzzled as to why bears seem to be going into hibernation a month earlier than usual. Despite predictions of a warm, dry winter, the bears’ behavior suggests they are sensing a long, snowy winter season. (It’s either that or they’ve just decided there’s really nothing good on TV anyway.)
WHERE TO SIT:
According to the University of California at Berkeley’s ”Wellness Letter”, the middle rear seat of a car is the safest seat in a vehicle, followed by the seat behind the front passenger. One reason being that cars are about 15% more likely to be struck on the driver’s side than on the passenger side. (I’ve been trying to follow their advice but, man, my arms get tired trying to hang onto the steering wheel!)
BENEFICIAL BRAWLS:
Psychologists are saying that meal time confrontations can actually HELP a child’s development. The new study shows that dinnertime arguments provide an opportunity for children to interact in front of their parents and can teach kids self-assertion, negotiation and compromise. (It also helps them sharpen their aim for school cafeteria food fights.)
NEW-CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Dab’ – A handshake whereby one fist is tapped on top of the other, then the two are reversed for a second tap. (”Give me some dab, phool!”)
• ‘Cell Bump’ — A minor collision that occurs when a cell phone user on the move does not watch where he or she is going. (“I lost half my coffee coming out of the lunchroom thanks to a cell bump.”)
• ‘Label Ho’ — A female who only wears brand-name clothes, preferably with the brand prominently displayed. (“Look at that spaz wearing all Abercrombie, what a label ho!”)
THE BULL SHEET 11.14.01
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [53] Prince Charles (Philip Arthur George of Wales), London ENG, heir to British throne who was assaulted by a Latvian pacifist LAST WEEK – with a carnation
1962 [39] Laura San Giacomo, West Orange NJ, TV actress (Maya Gallo-“Just Shoot Me”, since 1997)/movie actress (“Pretty Woman”, “Sex Lies & Videotape”)
1964 [37] Patrick Warburton, Paterson NJ, TV actor (plays an odd superhero in the new FOX-TV comedy “The Tick”)
1966 [35] Curt Schilling, Anchorage AK, MLB pitcher (Arizona Diamondbacks) who was 2001 World Series co-MVP with ‘Big Unit’ Randy Johnson
1975 [26] Travis Barker, Riverside CA, rock drummer (Blink 182-“Man Overboard”, “Josie”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Operating Room Nurse Day”, the highlight of “Operating Room Nurse Week”.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1666 [335] 1st recorded ‘blood transfusion’ (dog-to-dog)
1982 [19] 1st ‘domed stadium’ in Canada opens (BC Place-Vancouver)
1994 [07] The Channel Tunnel (‘Chunnel’) opens, linking Britain & France under English Channel
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1993 [08] Miami’s Don Shula becomes winningest coach in NFL history, beating Eagles for his 325th victory (finishes career in 1995 with 347 wins and is elected to Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1997)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Beaujolais Nouveau Day (worldwide release of France’s new crop wines)
[Thurs] National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
[Thurs] Great American Smokeout
[Thurs] America Recycles Day
American Education Week
[Fri] ‘Harry Potter’ movie released
[Sat] Ramadan begins
[Sat] National Homemade Bread Day
National Children’s Book Week
National Family Cares Week
Diabetes Month
National Epilepsy Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMEN:
• ”So many men, so few who can afford me.”
• “God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.”
• “My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.”
• “Coffee, chocolate, men. Some things are just better rich.”
• “If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!”
• “I’m out of estrogen — and I have a gun!”
• “I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: You work in Eureka, Northwest Territories. What’s your job?
A: You’re likely some form of environmental scientist. Eureka is the most remote weather station in the world, located 600 miles from the North Pole.
Q: “60 Minutes” has announced some of its production staffers will be laid off. Which are the only 2 faces to have appeared on the show throughout its 33 years?
A: Mike Wallace and — the face of the stopwatch.
Q: You have parked illegally In Helsinki, Finland. The good news is, the city’s police rarely give out parking tickets. What’s the bad news?
A: Helsinki police punish parking offenders by deflating their tires.
Q: Which is the only US state to produce coffee?
A: They’ve been growing coffee in Hawaii for 170 years. Every NOVEMBER they celebrate the gourmet Kona coffee beans at the ‘Kona Coffee Cultural Festival’.
Q: You’re in Sweden and you say ‘sup’ to a local. What are you likely to get in return?
A: In Sweden your daily ‘sup’ is a stiff shot, usually vodka.
Q: You’re hosting a formal dinner in the UK to be attended by an Earl and a Duke. Which should get the seat of honor?
A: In the British line of peerage, a Duke is higher than an Earl. The order, from highest to lowest, is as follows — Duke and Duchess, Marquis and Marchioness, Earl and Countess (a
Count is the European counterpart of the British Earl), Viscount and Viscountess, Baron and Baroness.
Q: How come we call them ‘hamburgers’ when they contain absolutely no ham?
A: The name comes from the German city of Hamburg, where the custom of serving ground
meat originated. (It’s just down the road from ‘Cheeseburg’.)
BS TAG LINE:
A lie can be halfway round the world before the truth gets its pants on.
